


Everything's Better With Webs

by scapegoat



Category: Avengers (Comics), Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes, Deadpool (Comics), Fantastic Four (Comicverse), Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, Nova (Comics), Spider-Man (Comicverse), X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Accidental Bonding, Advanced Idea Mechanics, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Reality, Alternate Universe, Angst, Avengers Family, Avengers Merchandise, Bets & Wagers, Bromance, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Deadpool Thought Boxes, Deaf Clint Barton, Disney Movies, Earth's Mightiest Goofballs, Families of Choice, Fantastic Four Family, Fantastic Four Merchandise, Gen, Getting to Know Each Other, Heroes for Hire, Hulk Talks, Hydra (Marvel), Identity Issues, Identity Porn, Identity Reveal, Masters of Evil, Mercenaries, Mercenaries Of The Month Club, Mild Language, Multi, Neutrality, Nick Fury Knows All, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, SHIELD, Science Bros, Secret Identity, Sinister Six - Freeform, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Superheroes, Superneutrals, Supervillain Team Ups, Supervillains, Symbiotes - Freeform, Taskmaster & Deadpool Bromance, Taskmaster's "Hero" Babysitting Service, Team Bonding, The Quartet Of Neutrality, The Trio Of Neutrality, Tony Being Tony, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, X-Men Merchandise, X-men Family
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-02-11 06:10:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 85,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2056794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scapegoat/pseuds/scapegoat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On the surface Peter Parker is simply a college student but in reality/secrecy he’s a superhero named Spider-Man with good intentions but a terrible rep. His rep gets thrown for a loop when a group of superheroes called The Avengers step into Spidey’s hometown. He doesn’t think much of them stealing his thunder... until Peter gets to know them behind their superhero personas and they ask Spider-Man to join their group.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spider vs Spider?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Spider-Man series – though I do have this kick ass Spidey hoodie and a classic-ish Spider-Man poster but that is irrelevant; I also do not own The Avengers [in any form mainly the comics or the series Earth's Mightiest Heroes] nor do I own any other marvel series here and who really knows what series I could be talking about at any given moment since they all exist in the same universe and often blend together? Having said that I own nothing – remember that – and I make absolutely no money from writing – remember this too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New York is a one costumed Spider state! This spider chick has to go!

“Super” powers, apparently, held no real world application when it came to starting contests, and why should they? It wasn’t as though his eyes got stronger, okay that wasn’t entirely true – he didn’t need glasses full time anymore but still wore them infrequently. Couple that with the fact that the other participant of this staring contest seemed to be a professional, his unusual gifts were not aiding him at all.  
  
Peter felt his eyes straining to stay open but Gwen’s seemed unblinking. Eventually, he caved giving his eyes some much needed relief. Hearing the expected cheering of his blonde friend, the brunet – after rubbing and closing his eyes for a few seconds – looked at her happily nuzzling her pudding cup. The stupid crap the two of them did just for fun. Peter had to think: were they really college students sometimes?  
  
“You’re usually better than that Petey, something happen?” She inches closer to him. “Something... _super_.”  
  
Peter sighed, “I...” He glanced around the mostly empty university cafeteria before looking back at her. “I told you there is nothing ‘super’ about me.”  
  
The blonde rolled her eyes. “You say that yet I saw you lift that bank truck with one hand.”  
  
“Oh, is that right? I don’t think they heard you in Jersey!” Sheepishly, Gwen covers her mouth. “Five years with these stupid ‘powers’ and I’m still not good at using them.” He mutters.  
  
“But you’re doing good with them, right? Shouldn’t that be what counts?”  
  
The brunet had to admit, even though he wanted to keep his “super” hero, crime-fighting, vampire-hour lifestyle as far away from mild-mannered, just work and school, boring Peter Parker lifestyle, Gwen Stacy impacted both lives; immensely. Peter Benjamin “Wonderful Social Butterfly” Parker met her during a field trip; the very same trip that gave him the powers of a _spider_ of all things. It doesn’t sound interesting, but he’s a human-sized spider that, due to his size, doesn’t have to worry about getting squished. Evidently, one “spider power” he received was the fear of getting stepped on, but he only had to worry about that if he gets surrounded by giants. He also received “super” strength, and the ability to crawl walls – a handy thing to have. Because he could not fly (and what spider _could_?) he invented these web shooter things to get him from place to place. He even had a costume and everything! Yup, a run of the mill freak under the guise of a hero.  
  
Now, after Gwen told him off once they met again a few years later (he couldn’t remember _why_ but the blonde did enjoy chewing him out so it could have been anything), they started getting closer. When she stumbles upon him webbing his torn notebook together (not a good use of webs that were not cheap) questions had to be answered. That was almost six months ago, and ever since Gwen made it her mission to be his “super” powerless sidekick Peter vehemently refused to put in the line of fire regardless of her incredible arguing skills.  
  
Despite being the daughter of a cop, Gwen seemed more on Peter’s side than her old man’s. Perhaps it was post-teenage rebellion?  
  
“Stop with all the angst.” Gwen sighed flicking him on the forehead, “you don’t have work today so let’s do something that’ll put something akin to a smile on your face?” She beamed at him. “Maybe we can check out those Avengers guys?” Peter groaned.  
  
As if New York wasn’t filled with enough costumed weirdos, these guys who call themselves _“Earth’s Mightiest Heroes”_ show up out of the blue stealing Peter—uh, _Spider-Man’s_ —thunder. Yes, his “hero” alter-ego was named Spider-Man. After all, he was a man that had powers of a spider. That and Spider- _teen_ didn’t sound right. ~~Not that he could still be that, as he’s twenty now.~~  
  
Now “The Avengers” – they were an army, so that was fine (possibly). They had more experience in the crime-fighting field and blah, blah, blah. They didn’t care about a lone ~~wolf..~~. _spider_. He was a small fry compared to the mighty Avengers; hell, every non Avenger hero was. Personally, Peter never heard of the majority of these “big named heroes” before they decided to form a “superhero” band. Once he saved one of them, and they told him not to get in their way! Who does something like that!?  
  
“Pass. What makes them so great anyway?”  
  
Gwen shrugged taking a sip of her drink. “You work for Iron Man, though.”  
  
Don’t even get him started on that. Iron Man, not so secret identity of billionaire philanthropist and a bunch of other things, Anthony “Tony” Edward Stark hired mild-mannered Peter Parker (science major/part-time photographer) as an assistant to help him with research and whatnot.  
  
It’s a good damn thing Spider-Man kept every non Gwen Stacy bit of his crime-fighting and personal life separate, because if they knew he was Spider-Man not only would he be fired, but he’d be imprisoned – or worse. He read newspapers (both Internet and real paper ones) and watched the news about what happened to rogue heroes or anyone that crossed the Avengers. They seemed more like the mob than a group of heroes.  
  
The only “superheroes” from the Avengers he interacted with (or saw up close) were Iron Man [the guy he worked for, who suit or no suit had no shame] and some guy named Clint. The blond was referred to (in the field) as “Hawkeye” and Peter only knew this bit because Tony told him when Clint wouldn’t stop harassing him [Peter, _not Tony_ ]. Peter was sure that with enough liquor Tony could spill all the Avengers “secret” identities – surely, the other members had them, right? They weren’t walking or _flying_ around in costumes or suits of armor swearing they were the best thing since sliced bread. And he hoped they didn’t go to the grocery store or movies with their costumes. Peter nearly got arrested for going into a fast food restaurant dressed as Spider-Man!  
  
“I don’t want anything to do with them. I have enough problems without all that.”  
  
“That’s the spirit! Let’s take a tour of Stark Towers and if anyone asks flash your badge and tell them you work there.” Gwen shrugged at the incredulous look she received. “What? It’s not lying.”  
  
“What’s with the sudden interest?”  
  
“ _Sudden?_ Peter Benjamin Parker, you haven’t been paying attention to anything, as usual!” He could swear he saw Gwen pout, but she often claimed to be above that instead she pursed her lips. “JJ?” Peter’s eyes narrow. Even more infuriating than the Avengers was his [second] job at the Daily Bugle – especially with J. Jonah Jameson as his boss. In a way, that man was more of a threat than any “super” villain Spider-Man took on. “Seems you two finally agree on something. He thinks the Avengers are more of a threat than Spider-Man.”  
  
“Why am I not surprised?”  
  
“Only slightly, though. He stopped me on the street one day and just offered me a job taking pictures of the Avengers. I don’t have to work at the Bugle or anything, but he just wants pictures and said he’d pay for them so who was I to refuse? I like taking pictures, and I enjoy this hero business so it’s a win-win.”  
  
“The Avengers are not going to let you take pictures of them.”  
  
“Ha ha. Don’t be so sure.”  
  
“They almost had a mailman arrested.” Gwen’s grin instantly deflated. “And having JJ as your resource is not a good place to be, trust me I speak from personal experience on that one.”  
  
“Well, it wasn’t just me. Apparently he’s asking all university students to take pictures or get some dirt on the Avengers. Good news for you, though. Since these guys showed up out of the blue it’s less work for your Spider-Man picture taking...”  
  
Peter saw a couple of people walk by the table. Either Gwen had spider sense of her own or her peripheral vision was downright ethereal. Oh right! The spidey sense – another wonderful gift from the radioactive spider bite: in addition to improved reflexes, enhanced strength and the whole mind of a spider/wall crawling thing; Peter also got a sixth sense as it were. Aptly named the spider sense it gives Peter a warning of something – usually bad – about to happen _to him_. Most of the time it works, but sometimes the darn thing seems to be on the fritz or gives a delayed reaction. However, the spider sense doesn’t work for other people. He was minding his business walking when a car swerved off the road and hit a guy – no spidey sense there, but when a stray cat jumped out of an alley at him, it reacted! Yes, stray animals are potential threats, but that guy got his entire left side crushed. Maybe there was a way to hone it but who could he train with? The only person who knew about his powers was Gwen. ~~If you want to get technical the spider that bit him also knew (but who was to say the spider was alive or even cared that it was radioactive).~~  
  
Once the people were out of an earshot, Gwen leaned closer to the table. “Let’s pay the Avengers a visit anyway? If we tell them we’re not here to take pictures they’ll let us in.”  
  
“How can you be so sure?”  
  
Gwen shrugs leaning back. “If that fails we still have your employee badge.”  
  
“What are the chances that you’ll drop this?”  
  
Gwen pauses then leans back tapping her chin. She leans forward again frowning. “Very low.” Peter sighs as she looks at him smiling.  
  
“Fine. I had to go there anyway, apparently my boss prefers the good old fashioned way of throwing money in one’s face, so he—”  
  
“Pays you with a check?” Peter shrugs noncommittally then shakes his head, “are you trying to tell me he flat out gives you _cash? Weekly?_ Then how is it that you’re always so damn broke?”  
  
“Bills, the occasional school stuff, food, helping Aunt May, replacing the web shooters you seem to enjoy destroying.” He muttered that last part, but judging by the glare he was getting she heard him. As an added defense mechanism, since Gwen Stacy enjoyed palling around Spider-Man a little too much, he gave her a web shooter to defend herself if necessary but mostly just to hightail it out of danger. However, he saw her use them in several non-defensive methods. Some he thought about using after seeing her pull them off. He had to admit she had more skill than he did, but she kept breaking or using them all up. Which was exactly what he did when he first made them.  
  
It was a miracle in itself that JJ hadn’t asked for pictures of Gwen since he was so keen on destroying Spider-Man’s not so credible reputation already. Surely, people _knew_ she hung around Spider-Man. But Gwen usually wasn’t in the crossfire, just on the sidelines – most of the time. Peter had no idea how she managed to get through the yellow tape or catch him at the end of a fight right when he was taking down the bad guy. The good thing about having Gwen along was she was able to take pictures closer than some of the cameras he had stationed around alleyways and the sides of buildings.  
  
JJ usually paid according to the quality of the photo – key word being _usually_. But whenever Gwen took a shot worthy of a couple hundred bucks he gave the full amount to her, otherwise they split the pay down the middle. Peter is broke and living on his own. He needs all the money he can get. However, he doesn’t know whether Gwen is still living with her parents or not.  
  
“Still living with dear old dad?” Gwen scoffs, so Peter takes that as a no.   
  
The only reason Peter moved out of his aunt’s place was to keep her from fretting over his mysterious bruises. She knew he was clumsy, but not clumsy enough to be that bruised so often. He couldn’t possibly (ever) tell her he is Spider-Man for a number of reasons, specifically putting her at risk. Some super-powered criminal or wannabe criminal would attack her just for kicks to get to him. Or, if she knew, she’d just worry more.  
  
Moving out didn’t stop her from worrying, but it eased Peter’s conscious a little. For four years, he crept into his room trying not to wake her up while constantly worrying if a super villain followed him home. He couldn’t bear the thought of losing his remaining family member, so he moved out to protect her. They still kept in touch and he visited her all the time sneaking money into her cookie jar trying to pay her back for all the years she took care of him. She was a stubborn woman – clearly where he got it from – and refused to take any money from him, but he couldn’t get yelled at if he wasn’t around after she already got the money.  
  
“No.” Gwen says standing up. “Dear old dad and I aren’t on speaking terms since that last news report with me and Spider-Man.”  
  
Peter grimaced. That was six months ago! It was right after Gwen found out and would not leave his side until she got the whole truth. It took him two weeks to shake her. Even the news crew couldn’t separate them, but her face was mostly covered then and with all the crazy stuff that went on after that time period it was likely to be old news no one referenced.  
  
“Peter!” The brunet flinched when a hand harshly clasped him on the shoulder. Peter glanced to the left seeing a blond occupy the seat next to him. “Done for the day or do you have other classes?”  
  
Gwen rose an eyebrow sitting back down. She was under the impression that, due to Peter’s lack of social etiquette, he didn’t have many (if _any_ ) friends in ESU, but evidently she was wrong. The newcomer seemed to notice her for the first time because he blinked at her before letting out a low whistle. “You... you’re sitting _with_ Pete?”  
  
“Uh, yes?”  
  
“Interesting.” The blond glanced at Peter who rolled his eyes. “In that case allow me to introduce myself. Jonathan Storm at your service.” He held out his hand that Gwen shook but immediately recoiled. “Oh right!” He facepalmed. “Stupid me. Hold on a second.” He rubbed his hand against his shirt then stuck it out again, “it’ll be better this time. Promise.” Glancing at the hand, Gwen tried shaking it again – it was slightly warmer than last time, but still pretty damn hot so she settled for a short handshake then released. “Sorry. High body temperature.” As Peter mumbled something the blond elbowed him. Gwen didn’t miss that little exchange then it hit her. The blond was one of Peter’s _super-powered_ friends but who the hell knew Peter’s secret identity other than her? Did Peter ever mention a Jonathan to her?  
  
“I’m Gwen.”  
  
“Gwen, sweet.” The blond nodded then nudged Peter. “Done for the day?”  
  
“Yeah, but we’re going to Stark Tower.” Gwen didn’t miss _that_ exchange either. She doubted Peter would be cordial with a super villain, so this guy had to be on the hero or at least anti-villain/neutral side of the spectrum. Because some neutral super-powered, or otherwise better than normal folk, costumed individuals often acted differently depending on their interest. That Taskmaster guy was the basic definition of neutrality, and he was quite the gentlemen when he wanted to be. He was also, you know, civil – to a certain degree. He and Peter even cracked a few jokes at one another’s expense before Peter got the ever-loving shit beat out of him _with his moves no less_! Gwen should have been shocked, really shocked, but Taskmaster saved her because she was on his bounty. Like _literally_ sitting on some passed out dude who got knocked out during the Spider-Man – Taskmaster brawl (technically, he actually got knocked out by Gwen getting knocked off the building landing on him). As they were hanging precariously over something Taskmaster stepped in and none too gently pulled her to safety then disappeared with the guy. Not exactly the best reason to be chivalrous but whatever.  
  
“Sure. That sounds great.” Caught up in her own thoughts, Gwen frowned as the two guys were standing talking with the blond grinning. Peter turned to her. “Come on Gwen, we’re going.” Schooling her features, Gwen stood she then deposited her discarded lunch into the basket then grabbed Peter’s arm as he went to do the same.  
  
“What superhero friend is that?”  
  
“Wha—”  
  
“Don’t play dumb with me, Parker. We could do this the easy way or the hard way.”  
  
Peter sighed releasing his arm from Gwen’s grip. Which was a lot more difficult than he thought it would be – and he has “super” strength! “We can talk on the way to the tower.”  
  
++  
  
“She sure is happy.” Peter couldn’t help but nod. Before Peter got the opportunity to tell Gwen anything the blond sneezed and fire came out of his nose, then everywhere else. It was a good thing, early on, he learned to walk around with fire-proof clothing or things would be super awkward with the blond running around in the nude. As expected, Gwen was shocked at the sudden revelation of a man being on fire next to her, and before she set out to get a fire extinguisher Peter assured her it was somewhat normal.  
  
Jonathan “Johnny” Storm, otherwise known as The Human Torch, is a member of The Fantastic Four along with his sister Sue Storm – The Invisible Girl, Reed Richards – Mister Fantastic and Ben Grimm – The Thing. Ben’s wasn’t the most flattering superhero name given but he got by, begrudgingly. The FF, along with Spider-Man, were the resident “superheroes” (i.e. costumed weirdos) of New York, dealing with super-villains (or _regular_ villains) on a daily basis before the unscheduled and unwanted arrival of these _Avenging_ people. The five of them weren’t the _only_ costumed heroes around, but they were a few of the better known ones whether it was in a good way or, in Spider-Man’s case, bad. Spider-Man worked with The Four on occasion and he got along pretty well with Johnny; he got along great with all of them. He didn’t _always_ get along with them (Johnny in particular), but that was in the past.  
  
About a year ago – three years after Johnny got his powers from space rays or something (Peter didn’t remember) – Spider-Man was swinging by minding his business when The Human Torch _literally_ flew into him. Since he was _on fire_ and all that, Spider-Man’s suit disintegrated; mostly the suit itself but parts of the mask too. Johnny and Peter knew each other from shared classes, so it was quite the reaction the blond gave when he instantly recognized the brunet. _Then_ , if matters could not possibly get worse, Johnny de-flamed (due to shock?) nearly falling into the Hudson River had Spider-Man not caught him with his webs. The rest is history. Peter learned an important lesson that day and made sure his future suits were created with fireproof material whenever he was around Johnny. They were just a good thing to have in general because there were villains harboring pyromaniac tendencies.  
  
Peter, Johnny, and Gwen stopped in front of Stark Tower. There wasn’t a crowd of news reporters. That could be a good sign. Or a terrible one. Peter bet on the latter.  
  
As they headed inside the brunet flinched, which went unnoticed by Gwen and Johnny who were looking around; both of them mentioning never being inside the building before. Peter’s spider sense tingled like crazy and that meant trouble was brewing. He just hoped it wasn’t another stray. Not that he couldn’t handle a stray, but they were just a hindrance. Whatever this was it made the hairs on the back of his neck prickle until it escalated to a tingling of his spine that turned into a full body shudder. Gwen, the ever perceptive one, noticed and even Johnny was staring at him in concern.  
  
Peter was set on shrugging off their concern until a strong gust of wind blasted the tower doors wide open propelling Gwen, Peter, and Johnny into the reception desk, yet left the doors hinged. Peter always hated that damn desk and now he had another reason to.  
  
Johnny was the first to recover and gasped as a rather large (which was quite the understatement) blond loomed over them with the strangest get-up imaginable. Being in New York all his life, he’s seen some unbelievable shit, but nothing as unbelievable as _this_. If the man’s unusual outfit as a whole didn’t complicate things, his large hammer did. He looked down at Johnny whose hair started tinting orange. ~~Ghost Rider literally had nothing on him.~~  
  
Johnny only slightly had the ability to stop himself from just setting on fire. Spider-Man wasn’t all that keen with his powers either and he had them longer. “Ah! I know you!” He said, _loudly_ , hoisting Johnny off the ground with his hammer-free arm. The media hadn’t been kind on the Fantastic Four’s reveal four years ago, and Johnny (and by extension the rest of them) were still catching hell because of it. “Flame... Fire, _The Human Torch_.” The man laughed heartily setting Johnny on the floor patting him on the back. If Gwen didn’t know his identity before she would have found out now. She hazily glances up at the giant as he set Johnny on the floor. “You must have a meeting with my comrades.”  
  
“W—Wha? Oh! No!” The blond waved his arms defensively. “I have no meeting. I’m here with...” He glanced at the brunet rubbing his back, “this guy. He works for Tony Stark.”  
  
The tall man’s eyebrows drew together briefly. “Ah! You need to speak to Anthony then. I will take you to him.”  
  
“Excuse me?” The tall man scooped him, Gwen, and the semi-conscious Peter up then the doors opened with the harsh wind. A loud crackle of lightning was heard as the skies darkened suddenly.  
  
“Thor!” The blond paused turning around causing the skies to clear up and the door to shut. He, still carrying the three of them, turned to the elevator were a redhead was standing with her hands crossed over her chest. “On Earth, we use elevators to go up.” She looked in his hands, “and we don’t grab kids and fly them to the top floor.”  
  
“Ah!” He released them and the redhead winced as they all fell unceremoniously out of his arms and onto the floor. “Of course. _Oh!_ ” He helped Johnny and a dizzy Peter up as Gwen quickly picked herself up. “They are here for Anthony.”  
  
“Right...” She looked them over. “Well Tony is in the labs, as usual.” She sighed, “oh! Where are my manners? Pepper Potts. Oh! _Peter?_ ” The brunet nodded slowly giving her a thumbs-up even though he wasn’t sure where she was, at this point he wasn’t sure where _he_ was. He might have inhuman equilibrium but everything seemed out of balance right now. That Thor guy was freakishly... _everything_!  
  
“Peter?” Thor looked down, “the assistant Anthony speaks so highly of?” Thor hoisted him over his shoulder either not hearing or unconcerned with the undignified squawk that followed suit. “Then there is not a moment to lose. By the power of Mjol—”  
  
“Let’s just take the elevator.”  
  
++  
  
After the elevator ride and being slung over Thor’s insanely broad shoulders, Peter found his lost equilibrium but he still was slightly afraid of the huge guy that had his spider sense on edge since his unusual arrival. Johnny and Gwen were each at his side also weary of this Thor fellow and what rational minded individual wouldn’t be?!  
  
“ _Mr. Stark._ ” Pepper walked over to a desk and stuck her foot out grabbing a board pulling her boss from under said desk. “You have guests.”  
  
“I thought you left, _Ms. Potts_?” He said making grabby hands, trying to get back under the desk.  
  
“I did...” She pulled the board back as he was getting closer under the table, “and now I’m back, but I’m leaving again. _Please_...” She glared at him, “refrain from doing any suicidal or explosive experiments/missions until I return in two days. In fact, don’t do any after either.”  
  
He gave her a two-fingered salute and she sighed walking off. She sympathetically pats Peter on the shoulder before going in the elevator. The infamous genius, billionaire, philanthropist, semi-insane, incredibly flirtatious, techno-alchemist (not techno- _wizard_ due to his disdain of anything magic), futurist Tony Stark was clad in a pair of faded jeans and a gray a-shirt covered in grease and oil. The material of his shirt was thin enough to see the bright glow of the arc reactor in his chest, or perhaps the light was so bright it could be seen through his clothes. Obviously, he wasn’t one of those billionaires who perished the mere thought of getting their hands dirty. That was one of the things Peter liked about the guy. Tony was _always_ getting his hands dirty. Tony had serious trust issues about just anyone touching his stuff and Peter felt kinda good that Tony trusted him (or more specifically his brain) around his stuff. And what great stuff did Tony have to touch! Wait, that didn’t sound right.  
  
“Ah! My assistant’s here and he brought friends.” Iron Man _had_ to know The Fantastic Four; Reed is a science nut, so they must have bonded over science stuff. In fact, Reed was often a visitor here. He didn’t know Peter’s secret identity like Johnny did so they met on occasion; as Peter Parker and as Spider-Man. The Fantastic Four (like Iron Man) didn’t have secret identities like Spider-Man did, but having Spider-Man related thoughts around people that didn’t know he was Spider-Man is not the best thing to do.  
  
“Yup. Nice digs you got here, Stark.” Johnny said appreciatively. “I can see why Reed’s always gushing.” Well, that confirmed just about every thought Peter entertained.  
  
Gwen blinked as all eyes fell on her. It was kind of unfair that everyone was so damn buddy-buddy but her; of course, she is the only non-super-powered or altered being here. Sure, she was in the news being around Spider-Man all the time and whatnot, but she steered clear of that for a while so they might not know who she was. “I’m Gwen.”  
  
“You were in the news palling around with that Spider fellow.” Tony picked up a rag and wiped his hands off – though they were still pretty greasy when he was finished. “You’re also Captain Stacy’s daughter.” With a sigh, Gwen nodded. “Oh! And you brought Thor?”  
  
“We didn’t bring him, he sort of brought us here.” Johnny said rotating his left shoulder.  
  
Tony blinked as the large man patted him on the shoulder. “I have come for a visit, to see my fellow Avengers of Midgard!”  
  
“Is that so?” Tony smiled patting Thor on the shoulder. “Then by all means visit away. I don’t exactly know where everyone is but...” He shrugged trailing off. Tony didn’t exactly build his tower with the intent of housing superheroes (or the occasional anti-hero). However, it was convenient for people who, more or less, worked together to live in the same damn building whenever they were in the city or in Thor’s case planet (or was it _world_?). It also saved a lot of time having to call/track these damn people down putting them in proximity, but not close enough that they wanted to kill each other... constantly. They already had hoards of villains trying to kill them, they didn’t need to add trying to kill one another to the list. Everyone used to be at Stark Mansion, but with so many super villain threats and different people coming in and out the tower was probably the best place for some kind of hero gathering. _Plus_ , with all the attacks the mansion was dealing with repairs _once again_.  
  
“Aye, I shall locate them but...” Peter stiffened when he felt Thor’s hands, hammer and all, on his shoulder. “Your assistant is particularly small... and stringy.” Tony, Gwen, and Johnny stifled their laughter at that. Peter scowled. He wasn’t small! He was just two inches away from six feet! _Plus,_ he was still growing! And why Johnny was laughing was beyond him since they were the same height! “Does he require sustenance?”  
  
“Oh, no. Well...” Tony shrugged, “possibly—” He ignored the glare Peter was giving him. “I prefer the small stringy assistants; they move around the lab faster.”  
  
Thor nodded, “but we shall prepare a meal just in case.”  
  
“A fine idea. Assemble the Avengers in the kitchen for some, uh, team cooking exercise or something.” Tony winced as Thor patted him on the back before sprinting off. “Petey, my darling, I require your assistance once more.” Tony walked over to the brunet swinging an arm over his shoulder. “You two can look around but Storm if you break something, so help me, it’ll be on your ass.”  
  
“Why are you warning me?” The blond said with a huff folding his arms over his chest.  
  
“My last lab was set on fire.” Still huffing, Johnny put his arms at his sides. “And I don’t even want to know how you managed to set my hot tub on fire last time.” Johnny grimaced. Truthfully, he didn’t know how that happened either. He figured he’d go out when he hit the water not set it on fire. He’d make a mental note to ask Reed if that were physically possible; well it had to be possible since it happened. But was it likely to happen again? That sort of thing. Of course it would take a while to ask – at least until Sue didn’t destroy things with the mere mention of Reed’s name. It would be easy to understand if they went through a tough breakup but they weren’t even dating! As smart as Reed was when it came to science he was unbelievably stupid when it came to people; particularly perhaps the only individual in any planet that possessed romantic feelings for him. Johnny told his sister she could do better and got a black eye because of it! So he and Sue were sort of taking a break from the Baxter Building (i.e. staying the hell away from Reed and, unfortunately – sort of, by extension Ben). It was mainly for Sue’s benefit but Johnny wasn’t about to stay with them over his sister. Still, when the Fantastic Four were called upon for whatever reason the siblings joined up with Reed and Ben, albeit begrudgingly. Sue usually didn’t talk to Reed though... unless it was absolutely unavoidable. And when she did talk it was brief and with some kind of sarcastic remark. Johnny was a bit proud of her during those moments.  
  
Tony glanced at Johnny once more before turning to Gwen. “Fire extinguishers are all around so don’t hesitate to put him out should the need arise.” Gwen nodded watching Peter and Tony walk off.  
  
“You set a few rooms on fire and you’re branded for life!” Johnny sighed. Just as he felt himself heat up (and Gwen may or may not have been inching toward the closest fire extinguisher), his cellphone started ringing. He fished it out of his pants raising an eyebrow at the phone eyeing the picture of him and his sister together smiling making silly faces with bunny ears over the other’s head. Above the picture was the name and number of _Sue_. He glanced at Gwen who was still by the extinguisher but made no move to grab it. “I gotta take this.” She nodded then he pressed the talk button. “What’s up Sue?”  
  
 _“Are you in the Avengers Tower?”  
  
_ Johnny bristled. “You didn’t take that tracking device off me?”  
  
He heard the distinct laughter of his sister, making his eyes narrow. “Duh!” She stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. _“Of course I didn’t. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know how! Besides, you’re always getting into trouble; this’ll help me find you faster. Now then, why didn’t you tell me you were heading there? Didn’t you think I wanted to meet those Avenging people too?”  
  
_ “It wasn’t premeditated sis, it was all Petey.”  
  
“ _Petey? You mean that kid you followed to ESU because he beat you in some stupid game like six years ago?_ ” Johnny grit his teeth. Why he told Susan _everything_ was beyond him. Of course she, in turn, told him everything. It was a pretty fair deal – she even told him things he didn’t want to know. Things he _really_ didn’t want to know. Things he could never un-know. Well, they only had each other so if he didn’t tell her he’d have no one to talk to and vice versa. The Storm siblings were a packaged deal. “ _Luckily I’m not too far_.”  
  
“I know you got the tracking device in me, but I really thought you were above stalking. For shame, Sue.”  
  
“ _Please. I have better things to do than stalk my little brother. I’m already in the city and Stark Tower is in the middle of Manhattan. It’s not too far from anywhere. Just find some way for me to get in there._ ”  
  
“Why should I? You’re the Invisible Girl!”  
  
“ _My clothes don’t turn invisible Johnny and while I’m sure you’ll say something about it being perfectly good streaking weather, I absolutely refuse to get naked in the middle of the day on the street!_ ”  
  
“Fine. I’ll meet you by the entrance. Just make sure some hammer wielding handsome blond guy doesn’t blow the doors down.”  
  
“ _Some_ **what**?”  
  
Grinning, Johnny pressed the talk button on his phone ending the call. “I gotta get my big sis. Tell Stark not to lock me out.” Gwen nodded as Johnny sprinted toward the elevator. She turned back to Peter who was talking/laughing with Tony then some new guy came out from one of the halls or something. Trying to eavesdrop without seeming like she was trying to eavesdrop, Gwen inched a bit closer.  
  
Peter flagged the guy who was surprisingly shorter than he was. “Doctor B, good seeing ya.” Gwen glanced at them while simultaneously checking the elevator for Johnny’s reappearance with his sister. Peter went on about this “Doctor” guy – Banner if she remembered. He didn’t seem all that super-power- _y;_ then again, neither did Peter out of his costume.  
  
“You too, Peter.” He glanced at Tony then rose an eyebrow. “I hope Mr. Stark didn’t call you here for some mundane reason like asking where his car keys were or something?”  
  
“Brucie, your words _wound_ me.” He said shaking his head, “and that only happened once.”  
  
“Once at four in the morning.” The shorter man countered.  
  
“Actually, I came here for payday, Doc.” Peter didn’t really want to get into that awkward albeit hilarious phone call with his boss a few weeks ago. He didn’t know if Tony was wasted or just simply disoriented; Peter’s seen both and truly couldn’t differentiate between the two unless there was a bottle (or two) of liquor on Tony’s person. No, even then he really couldn’t differentiate.  
  
Gwen returned her attention to the elevator in time to see Johnny and a beautiful blonde step out laughing. “So this is Tony Stark’s building?” The blonde wondered aloud. “Well, _one of them_?” She looked around then her eyes fell on Gwen who inadvertently stiffened. “Hi.” She said walking toward her holding out her hand that Gwen shook. “Susan Storm.”   
  
“Gwen Stacy.”  
  
“Captain Stacy’s daughter?” Gwen nodded, then Sue elbowed Johnny who hissed. “As you can probably tell Johnny is my idiotic little brother.”  
  
“And Sue is my nagging older sister.” The blond winced as his sister elbowed him again.  
  
“See? What did I tell you? Idiotic, right?” Gwen chuckled. “Where’s Mr. My Home is Far Nicer Than Anything You Can Afford?” Gwen jerked her thumb toward the trio still talking.  
  
She hooked elbows with both Johnny and Gwen then approached the trio. “Ms. Storm, wonderful to see you as always.”  
  
“The feeling is mutual, Mr. Stark.” She let go of Gwen and Johnny as she and Tony hugged briefly then kissed on the cheek, professional and whatnot. “Good seeing you as well, Doctor Banner.”  
  
“The same to you, Susan.”  
  
“Yeah, always a pleasure, Doc.” Johnny chimed in, “can’t forget about the last science nerd convention where Re— _ow!_ ” Johnny yelped as Sue stepped on his foot, acting like she hadn’t moved at all. She then turned to Peter.  
  
“Oh, this is your assistant? Hi! Sue Storm.”  
  
“Peter Parker.” They shook hands. “Can’t believe Johnny’s your brother.”  
  
“I know, it’s hard to believe myself sometimes.” She laughed. “But you’re not supposed to understand family.”  
  
“You’re not supposed to follow them either.” Johnny mutters rubbing his foot.  
  
Bruce glances at him then turns to Susan. “I take it you never took that tracker off Johnny then?” He asked raising an eyebrow. Frowning slightly, Sue shakes her head. “I can take a look at it, if you’d like?”  
  
“I’d like to be able to know where Johnny is but...” She inched closer to Bruce then cleared her throat. “I don’t exactly know _where_ the tracker is on his body.” She whispered then moved back frowning. “Or _in_ – if you get my drift.”  
  
“Wait— _Oh_!” Bruce blushed slightly then waved off the concerned glances he was getting. “That is a problem, but I’ll still take a look. Tony?”  
  
“Hm?”  
  
“We need to borrow an x-ray machine.” Johnny’s jaw dropped. Gwen and Peter stared wide-eyed at Bruce who was vehemently avoiding eye contact with anyone.  
  
Tony whistled, “I need to see this.”  
  
“No you don’t! Please don’t tell me that x-ray machine is for me, Doc.”  
  
“Okay, I won’t tell you.” Johnny stared at him who was still avoiding looking at anyone.  
  
“Tony!” Everyone looked up at the man leaning on the rail frowning. “Did you see the news?” When Tony shook his head the man jerked his head upward. “You guys might want to take a look at this.”  
  
When everyone got upstairs via elevator Gwen, Sue and Johnny were introduced to James Rhodes or “Rhodey” as Tony – and by extension everyone who seemed to gravitate around the billionaire – liked to call him. Peter met Rhodey the first time he visited Stark Tower a year ago. Hard to believe he was working here for a whole freaking year! The man had been the one interviewing him since he knew Tony better than anyone and Tony wasn’t available for some reason or another. It turned out that Tony had the uncanny ability to scare potential employers away so Rhodey thought it would be the safest option if someone else interviewed new hires. But that wasn’t why they were here. On the enormous Thor sized, flat screen TV was Spider-Man only it couldn’t possibly be Spider-Man since Spider-Man was watching himself on the TV. It wasn’t the first time someone tried to emulate the costume; imitation was the sincerest form of flattery after all. Only this _“Spider-Man”_ wasn’t _a man_ at all. Judging by the skin tight suit this spider thing was definitely a woman – and a woman in great shape to boot. But as nice as she looked, New York was a one costumed Spider state; this spider chick had to go.  
  
Naturally, the newscast was brought on by the one and only J. Jonah Jameson who kept shouting things. Since Peter couldn’t stop himself from tuning out JJ if he tried he only heard the word _menace_ a few times then he was sure he heard him say something about gender confusion. “ _—All this talk about how_ great _Spider-Man is when he can’t even decide whether or not he really is a_ _ **he**_ _?! If this is what—”_ JJ gaped as the mic was snatched from him.  
  
“I’m not Spider-Man.” The costumed woman said standing atop the news desk. “ _Obviously_.” Peter could tell she rolled her eyes, even if the mask was covering that part of her face. “I’m Spider-Woman. Not really original but whatever.” She kicked JJ’s chair pushing him out of the camera screen then inched closer to the camera. “Eyes up here big boy.” She whistled then the camera moved up to her grinning masked face. “Now then.” She cleared her throat. “Hey, hey Spidey, I know you’re watching, kid, so I’ll get to the point. New York may have a population of eight million, but it’s not nearly big enough for two super spiders to call it home. So, I’m calling you out Spider-Man. I want a good old fashion Spider to Spider duel.”  
  
“Ever hear of a Spider-Woman?” Rhodey asked Tony who shook his head. “Isn’t S.H.I.E.L.D. supposed to have data on _every_ New York hero and villain?”  
  
“Supposed to and I don’t think it’s just New York. In any event, they don’t even have info on Spider-Man let alone a Spider-Woman.”  
  
They weren’t exactly whispering, since everyone else was too absorbed in the news feed, but Peter heard them perfectly clear; though he was confused about what a shield had to do with data? Was it a special kind of shield or was it some superhero thing he didn’t understand? More importantly the less info they had on Spider-Man the better – and _no_ info was great!  
  
He frowned at the screen balling up his fists. If Spider-Woman wanted a good old fashion duel, she was going to get one.  
  
“By the way...” Bruce cut in, “Thor’s in the kitchen with Natasha and Carol.” He glanced at Tony who took a sip from a mug he was not holding a second ago. “He said something about preparing a feast? You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” Tony merely shrugged and Rhodey glanced at him then his empty hands.  
  
“Did you not only steal but drink from my cup?” He asked taking the cup back glancing down at it noticing it was a lot emptier than when he had it a few seconds ago.  
  
Tony shrugged again then reached for the cup Rhodey moved out of his reach, “it wouldn’t be the first time.” He muttered. Rhodey glanced at him then shrugged drinking from the mug ignoring Tony’s complaining.  
  
“Hey, we can stay for a feast right?” Johnny asked locking his hands behind his head.  
  
“You might not be able to eat after we extract that tracking device from your body.” Tony said behind the mug, drinking. Johnny glared at him.  
  
“I think it would be best...” Bruce coughed, still glancing at the television where cops were now unsuccessfully chasing Spider-Woman around the news station, “to look over Johnny before he puts anything else into his body.”  
  
“Is that your diagnosis, Doc?” The blond asked.  
  
“Uh, sure. Let’s go with that. In any event, we should head to that x-ray machine now.” The group headed into the elevator and down a few floors before reaching their destination down the hall. “Before we enter you guys might want to suit up.” Bruce said pointing to a couple of containment suits lined up against the wall. When Johnny walked toward them, Bruce held him back shaking his head.  
  
“Does that include me?”  
  
Bruce sighed. “Yes, Tony, you too.” Grumbling under his breath, Tony put on his suit then put the goggles over his head.  
  
“What if he sets it on fire?” Sue asked adjusting the goggles over her face.  
  
“Yeah...” Tony punched a couple of keys into the keypad by the door. “Let’s just say, it’s in all of our best interest if he doesn’t.” Johnny gulped. “The most we can do if it did come to that is the fire extinguishers.”  
  
“Doctor B, aren’t you gonna put on your suit?” Peter asked pulling his suit over his body. Bruce blanched briefly then schooled his features reaching for a suit slowly putting it on. It would be suspicious being the only non-tested person not to don a suit, even if he didn’t need one. But how did you explain that you couldn’t get possibly any more radiated than you already were? That you were immune to all – _other –_ radiations? Yeah, he was fond of Peter so he didn’t want to scare him off. Even though Peter proved he didn’t scare easily since he was constantly exposed to Tony’s general ...Tony- _ness_.  
  
As they entered the room Sue, Gwen, Peter and Rhodey were standing on a second floor watching the x-ray machine and Tony and Bruce below talk science stuff to one another. They offered Peter the chance to join them but he politely refused. Not because he was afraid but he was more interested in watching. And if he was working and being “serious” he couldn’t get the grand opportunity to make fun of Johnny.  
  
Johnny stood against the wall in nothing but his boxers, which earned a few whistles from both Sue and Peter that made him blush. He was all for being partially dressed but not like this. “Why am I almost naked?”  
  
“You’re lucky you’re not fully naked. Of course—”  
  
Bruce sighed elbowing him. The last thing he needed was _another_ Tony Stark story about being half, almost or fully naked somewhere. “Well we need to x-ray your entire body.”  
  
“I’ve gotten x-rays before and I was fully clothed with that weird mat over my body—”  
  
“Ever get a full body scan?”  
  
“No, but—”  
  
“Start up the machine, Brucie.” Nodding, the shorter man pulled a rather large lever. The damn thing looked more like a laser an x-ray machine. “If I were you, Jonathan...” Tony put his goggles over his eyes, “I wouldn’t move.”  
  
Gulping, Johnny nods standing still as the x-ray scanned him. Tony was known for screwing around but with a machine that large and potentially dangerous he wasn’t about to call his bluff.  
  
Bruce turned to Tony raising an eyebrow. “I can’t say I remember the last time I got an x-ray, but I’m pretty sure doctors don’t let their patients strip down to their underwear to get an x-ray.”  
  
“Then it’s a good thing this isn’t a doctor’s office, Doctor Banner.” Bruce frowned but didn’t miss the smirk Tony was giving him, even though Tony was still looking at the x-ray machine. “Besides, what fun would it be getting x-rayed fully clothed? Furthermore, I don’t have any hospital gowns so his clothes – being fireproof I’m sure – might have very well affected the machine’s ability to x-ray him fully.”  
  
“Yeah, I think you’re full of it, Tony.”  
  
“You might be right about that, Bruce.” Bruce held up some x-rays that came off the machine showing them to Tony who whistled. “You might want to get his sister.”  
  
Sue blinked as Bruce motioned for her after turning off the machine. “Uh-oh.” She said frowning behind her suit. She wondered if she even needed on. She got hit by cosmic rays after all so any other radiation seemed kind of impossible, right? Nevertheless, she didn’t want to grow an extra limb or something just because she got radiation atop radiation. She was content with occasionally turning invisible, thank you. She walked down the small staircase and approached Tony and Bruce. “Y-Yes?”  
  
Tony wordlessly hung the x-ray in Sue’s face who almost immediately started laughing. “Exactly.” Tony said taking the x-ray back. “Should I ask?”  
  
“I wouldn’t know.” She said in between laughs.  
  
“I suppose it’s in _everyone’s_ best interest if we just let it pass.” Bruce said even toned even though he looked like he was struggling with containing his laughter. “Might as well show the others; they’ll find out eventually right? Did you use a fireproof tracker?”  
  
Sue nodded clearing her throat once her laughter ebbed. “It was hard to find online but not impossible.” After being gestured to come down, Sue held up the x-ray for Gwen, Rhodey and Peter.  
  
“How did the tracking device get _there_?” Peter asked pointing at the x-ray.  
  
“It goes through the bloodstream.” Bruce explained. “We’re lucky it’s in his stomach and not somewhere more... intimate.”  
  
“Like his ass, which is where it’ll end up eventually.” Bruce elbowed Tony then sighed. The six of them looked at Johnny who was still standing completely motionless. “We should let him move, right? We don’t _have_ to but—”  
  
“Johnny.” He cracked an eye open staring at the six identical suits. The shortest one had to be Susan – or was it Gwen? He got his answer when one of the suits took a step forward and took off its helmet revealing his sister’s face. “Put your clothes on.”  
  
++

  
“Hell of a meal...” Clint looked around before approaching the table, “and it’s not even my birthday.” He reached for a plate when a hand slapped his. “Dammit, Natasha.” He winced rubbing his hand as the redhead stood beside him leaning against the table shaking her head.  
  
“Do not touch, Barton.” As another hand reached for the food she slapped that away too. “That goes for you too, Wilson.”  
  
“But I _helped_!” He protested sitting on the floor.  
  
“Doesn’t matter. We can’t eat until Stark gets here with that kid he seems to be fond of torturing. At least that’s what Thor said; some Asgardian rule or something.” She shrugged. “I’m not sure.”  
  
“That’s a lie. You know everything.”  
  
“Not about Asgard.”  
  
“Anyway...” Clint rubbed the back of his neck. “Where is Stark anyway?”  
  
“Apparently, Jonathan Storm is here getting an x-ray.”  
  
“For that tracking device?” Natasha rose an eyebrow. “Common superhero knowledge. It’s not like I had a hand in it or anything.”  
  
She looked him over still raising an eyebrow. “Speaking of superheroes, there was a news report about some Spider-Woman. Hill tell you anything about that?”  
  
“ _Former_ S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, remember?” Natasha rolled her eyes, “guess you really don’t know everything. I did see the news though and I have to say she might give you a run for your money in the looks department.”  
  
“She was wearing a mask, Clint.”  
  
“Yeah, but her face is only one point of looks.” Natasha shook her head. “If there is a bug duel going on you should definitely join being _Black Widow_ and everything.” She folded her arms over her chest. “Don’t look at me like that.” Clint looked around. “Now not that I don’t enjoy free food but why is it all here? For Petey?”  
  
“You know him?”  
  
“More or less. When he’s here with boring ass Stark I show up from time to time and make his job a little more bearable.”  
  
“How noble of you.”  
  
“Isn’t it? Now I need to get some food in me before I pass out. Come on Sam, let’s raid the fridge.” He gave her a two-fingered salute before venturing in the kitchen. The man formerly sitting on the floor got up and happily trotted off after Clint.  
  
A blonde came out of the kitchen wiping her hands. “Who invited Hawkeye? He nearly knocked me down! Falcon too.”  
  
“He just shows up from time to time, Carol. Have you ever met Stark’s assistant?”  
  
“Peter?” Carol nodded. “He’s sweet.” Natasha rose an eyebrow. “Don’t look at me like that. Anyway, you’re not worried about that spider duel are you? I’m sure you’ll get invited to the next one.” Natasha sighed. “Oh! Or are you _indifferent_ because you haven’t met him yet? Peter, I mean. He doesn’t treat us like superheroes just like regular people. Its nice – kind of humbling. Of course, he doesn’t know most of us are Avengers anyway. At least I don’t think he knows. I’m not a telepath or anything.” She shrugged.  
  
Though Natasha’s facial expression had not changed in the slightest, Carol was certain the redhead was frowning but like she said she isn’t a telepath. Either way, Natasha walked into the kitchen grabbing Clint by the back of his collar. He looked up and his cheeks were puffed from obvious face stuffing. Sam was on his left, sitting on the counter, munching away on some chocolate chip cookies in a box with Jen next to him eating as well. She looked down at Clint before her head snapped up to the large green-skinned woman leaning over the counter. “What are you doing here, Jen?”  
  
“Hm?” She said standing and stretching. “I was in New York and no better place to crash than Stark Towers. Beats the hell out of any hotel. Plus, who’d pass up and all that food out there? Oh and I also came here to see Bruce about some stuff.”  
  
“Doctor B is with Mr. Stark.” Sam said in between bites. He swallowed then took a handful of cookies out of the box. “They’re doing x-rays on Johnny Storm for that tracking device. I saw Mr. Rhodes with them too. And a few other people I don’t know.”  
  
“Kid, you gotta stop being so formal.” Clint said standing up. “Mind not stretching out my clothes.” Natasha reluctantly released him. “It’s not time to eat already is it?”  
  
“Walk with me, Barton.” With a sigh, he nods but not before grabbing the box of cookies from Sam’s hands then leaving the kitchen.  
  
“You’ll get ants if you eat outside the kitchen!” Jen hollered then paused when she saw Hank Pym walk by the kitchen. “You see!” Clint turned around laughing until Natasha grabbed him making him walk off.  
  
As they were walking, Clint leaned the box closer to Natasha who took a few cookies out eating them. “What’s up, Nat? Wanna spar or something? Too hungry to do it now though.”  
  
“How could you possibly be hungry? You must have eaten half the box by now.” Clint shrugged. She took the cookie box from him, and before he could protest she thrust a file in his hands.  
  
He skimmed through. “A _blank_ file?”  
  
“You and I are going to scope out the spider fight. You find out whatever you can on Spider-Man and I’ll take Spider-Woman.”  
  
“Not really a spider but sure, what the hell, you got it, Partner.” They shook hands then Clint grabbed the cookie box from Natasha. “Gotta ask, why me?”  
  
“I’d prefer not to get killed in the crossfire and I need someone I can trust as backup.”  
  
“You trust me? That’s so cute.” Natasha rolled her eyes taking some more cookies. “You’re gonna ruin your dinner, young lady.” She shrugged, “you just want me there in case the thing turns out to be a bust. At least you won’t be completely bored and you’ll have my handsome face to look at.”  
  
“Something like that.” She smirked as he shook his head.  
  
“How do you know the fight will be tonight? Spider-Woman wasn’t exactly...” He frowns, “the whole thing didn’t seem that well thought out.”  
  
“We need to be prepared in case it is tonight.” Clint nods. Then the elevator pings and Tony came out with Bruce and a few other people. “Stark.”  
  
“Romanoff.” He eyed the box of cookies before looking at Clint. “How many does that make this month, Barton?”  
  
“Dunno. You’re the genius, Stark.” Natasha elbowed him. “Oh, Petey, come here.” The brunet complied walking over to them. “Peter Parker, this is Natasha Romanoff. She’s my best friend and work-sister. That’s a real thing, right?”  
  
“Nice to meet you.” Natasha said shaking hands with him.  
  
“You too.”  
  
Clint slung an arm around Peter’s shoulder. “So... the tracking device, was it in his dick?”  
  
“Stomach.”  
  
“Seriously?” He leaned back off Peter slightly grinning at Tony. “You owe me cash, Stark.”  
  
“Yeah, yeah.” Tony waved him off.  
  
“Wait, you two seriously bet on where the tracking device would be?!” Johnny cradled his face in his hands groaning.  
  
“Yup. It wasn’t just us, a few of us were there.” He offered the box to Peter who happily accepted it thanking him before stuffing his face.  
  
Tony walked over to Peter and Clint snatching the box of cookies, “you’re gonna ruin my assistant’s appetite. Thor put this whole damn thing together for Peter and Carol sent me a text saying he’s flying up and down the tower talking about meal time so we should head to the kitchen.” He took out a few cookies eating them while glaring at Clint who returned the glare.  
  
The kitchen was huge and Peter stared in awe of it every time he came into it or around it. Introductions were given all around though Peter knew a couple of people by coming her almost every day. Gwen didn’t know anyone and some people didn’t know Susan either, but Johnny’s reputation preceded him so damn near everyone knew about him – or at least about the tracking device.  
  
Stark Tower – or Avengers Tower, whichever – fittingly had a table suited for superheroes. The table was huge and filled with food Peter couldn’t wait to devour. He’d take the stringy comment if it meant he got to eat like this from time to time.  
  
“Friends!” Thor boomed standing in front of the largest food filled table. “It is a pleasure to have you all here. Tonight we feast in honor of Anthony’s assistant, Peter.” Peter blushed as everyone started clapping and he heard a few catcalls coming from Clint’s direction.  
  
“I’d like to say a few words.” Clint begins holding up his glass, “why aren’t these glasses full?” He put the glass down then poured some wine into it. “It isn’t easy hanging around Stark.” He lifted his glass again sending a wink at Tony earning a few chuckles. “And working for him is sure to be hell. Hell, working _with_ him is hell—”  
  
“What Clint means to say is... raise your glasses ladies and gents as we toast Peter and me, of course, for hiring him. Well Rhodey hired him but whatever. And of course we can’t forget Thor for putting this whole thing together, now can we?” Everyone raised their filled glasses and chanted in unison - _To Peter-_ before emptying their glasses; most people in a single gulp. Since this thing was for Peter they did allow him to get a glass of wine but since he was underage they didn’t fill his or Gwen or Johnny’s glasses. Peter wasn’t sure if Johnny was of legal drinking age yet, but they probably didn’t want to give him alcohol since he could set himself on fire on a whim – and sometimes when he didn’t want to. “Dig in ladies and gentlemen! Oh wait, we gotta let the guest of honor get in first. Asgardian rule, right Thor?”  
  
Peter blushed as everyone was watching him smiling, patting him on the back and whatnot as he walked by. Nodding, approached the table – approached Thor who was still setting off his spider sense – and happily accepted the plate the big guy was holding for him. Peter figured it was that whole squishing thing that made Thor’s presence cause his spidey sense to act up because if the guy wanted to hurt him he would have done it already with gusto. He was probably the gentle giant type and speaking of giant.... there was a large green woman next to Carol that Peter _needed_ to be introduced to; like pronto. Thor clasped a hand over his shoulder nodding with a grin. “Thank you, for the feast. I appreciate it.”  
  
“It was my pleasure, you have my thanks for your assistance to Anthony.” Peter beamed. “His disposition brightened significantly with your arrival I have been told. I only wish I could have witnessed the momentous occasion first hand.” Peter didn’t think he had that much of an impact, he was just helping the guy with experiments but he’d take thanks where he got them. “Friends! The time has come to engorge ourselves!” The group cheered approaching the table. Peter was grateful for his “stringy” body since he managed to slip through the crowd of much larger individuals making a beeline for the food. There were other tables around the eating area – in some cafeteria style way, but it was still nicer than anywhere Peter could eat normally.  
  
Suddenly, the giant green woman took a seat next to him. “You’re Tony’s hired help? Didn’t think you’d be so cute.” Peter winced as the woman pinched his cheeks. “Jennifer Walters, Jen, or She-Hulk if you prefer, whichever.” She shook his hand and Peter had to try and not wince (again) as she practically broke a few bones in his hands with her massive strength. Sure, Spider-Man had “super” strength too but he wasn’t as strong as this lady. Even if he was Peter Parker shouldn’t be. “I guess you can call me an intermittent Avenger. On the subject of intermittent...” She looked around, “where the hell is Bruce?”  
  
“You mean Doctor B? You know him?”  
  
“ _Know him_? He’s my cousin.” Peter spit his water out. “Don’t choke now.” She pats him on the back grinning. “I don’t look like this all the time. Gamma radiation, you know. Long story. I’ll tell you someday.”  
  
“Doctor B was with Tony when they did the x-ray on Johnny.”  
  
“Right.” She scanned the room again, “he must have scurried off somewhere. He’s not much for parties. Damn!” She slammed her hand on the table then grimaced as she noticed it cracked. “Oops.”  
  
Tony turned around as he was getting his plate and came face to face with Natasha. “So what brought on this feast?” She asks, raising an eyebrow. “And I know you or James wouldn’t just hire anyone that came calling. I take it the kid’s quite the genius.”  
  
Tony nodded then swore as Clint came out of nowhere snatching the box from him and running off. “I’ll get you, Barton!” He turned back to Natasha. “What were we talking about? Oh yea, even by my standards Peter’s brilliant! He’s right up there with the big geniuses like myself and Bruce... and I guess Reed’s there too.” He shrugged. “But as for the feast, it was all Thor; he said Petey’s too stringy.” Natasha glanced at the table Peter was at then turned back to Tony. “Don’t look at me like that.” He walked off eyeing her once more before going over to the table with Rhodey.  
  
She looked around the eating area, the tables were close enough if someone wanted to just switch seats – like Clint – they were able to easily. Speaking of Clint, he had his arm around Bruce laughing. They just moved to the table with Tony, Rhodey and the Storm siblings. With his free arm Clint was throwing food at Johnny who reciprocated less accurately. All in all, everyone seemed pretty happy. Safe for Johnny but who _would_ be happy with a tracking device in their stomach that had to come out the natural way? As crazy as New York (or the world) could get it was rather nice having some downtime with friends. No. The Avengers (and half of the Fantastic Four) were more like a dysfunctional family, and it seemed that Peter unwittingly joined the ranks. He was like the baby brother everyone coddled, particularly Clint who jumped seats again offering the poor kid liquor.  
  
“Natasha, are you enjoying yourself?” Thor asked with a plate in his hand, standing beside her.  
  
“Yeah, I really am. Feasts are nice.”  
  
“Indeed. It is an enjoyable sight seeing everyone relaxing like this.”  
  
“Yea—”  
  
“Tash, come over here!” Clint yelled waving in her direction. Now he was at a table with Carol, Janet, and Hank. He must suffer from ADHD with all his damn table bouncing.  
  
“It seems you are needed, I shall take my leave.” Thor nodded at her before going to the table with Peter and Jen.  
  
Shrugging, she walked over to the table where Clint was – who was now at the table with Peter, Jen, and Thor. He really couldn’t sit still, could he? Carol, too, since she moved and took a seat next to Natasha. “I don’t think I can sit next to those two anymore.” She said with a shudder. Everyone spared her a glance then looked at the table where Hank and Janet were feeding one another.  
  
“Nat, you and I can definitely out gross them.”  
  
“Definitely.” She replied with a nod and small smirk.  
  
“Do it.” Jen says beaming. “In fact, I think only Tony and James can out gross you guys if it comes down to it.”  
  
“We’ll out gross them too dammit!” Clint got up then started stretching before taking a seat on Natasha’s lap. “Tell me this isn’t the most awful thing you’ve ever seen.”  
  
Jen shook her head. “Needs work. Though I gotta ask, why are you sitting on her lap? Shouldn’t she be on yours?”  
  
“Didn’t you know? I’m the ‘girl’ in this relationship.” He winced as Natasha poked him in the side.  
  
“What’s with the necklace?” Carol asked leaning closer. Natasha looked down – along with everyone else at the table – glancing at the bow and arrow pendant hanging from the necklace around her neck. “Is that a Hunger Games thing? The bow even has feathers. I haven’t read any of the books...”  
  
“I get it!” Jen said leaning back in her seat across from them nodding. “You got a piece of Hawkeye! Like he has a piece of you on that black widow keychain attached to his bow. You crazy kids are so damn adorable!”  
  
Natasha looked up at Clint who was grinning. “I thought Tony threatened to paint your bow red and gold if you didn’t put an Iron Man keychain on it?” Carol asked frowning.  
  
“He did, so I got keychains of most of us on my quiver instead of on my bow. Sorry they didn’t have any Captain or Ms. Marvel merch though.” Carol folded her arms over her chest with a huff muttering under her breath. “And...” He held up his right wrist showing everyone the black widow bracelet. “I got a little something extra.”  
  
“That’s adorable!” Carol said slapping him on the back. “I gotta put in some info on stuff for me but you have definitely out grossed Hank and Jan. By far.”  
  
“Nah. Those two are nauseatingly affectionate, with these two its kinda cute. It’s the little things, ya know?” Jen nodded to herself. “Oh! Did you guys see the news? About the Spider fight thing? I wonder when its happening? I got a case in the morning and I’d hate to miss it.”  
  
“It’s not a pay-per-view fight, Jen, I’m sure it’s going to be private.” Natasha said before allowing Clint to feed her.  
  
“Dammit! Seriously?” She sighed putting her head down as everyone chuckled.  
  
Peter was too caught up in eating and listening to the craziness of these people that he almost forgot about that spider fight! And he’s supposed to be a participant! Spider-Woman didn’t say anything about when it was going to happen but Peter knew he – _Spider-Man_ – had to make the first move. She called him out so all he had to do was show up and accept ...and defeat her but that was obvious. For now he was going to enjoy hanging out at Stark Tower, after all it was the first time he got to hang out with the Avengers. Every time he saw one of them they were suited up dashing off to avert the nearest crisis. Naturally, he’d met a few of these people when they were off duty but he didn’t know their names when they had their masks/suits on: like Carol. He knew she was an Avenger he just didn’t know _what_ Avenger. He made a mental note to do some research on _Captain Marvel_ but he probably wouldn’t find much if she didn’t even have any merchandise out. Hell the first time he accidentally saved someone Spider-Man merchandise hit shelves the next day! Granted, they were crappy merchandise but merchandise nonetheless.  
  
He had to retract every somewhat bad thing he thought about these people. As a whole, the Avengers were pretty okay – one might even say they were down to Earth (pun most certainly not intended). He still didn’t see what was so great about a bunch of super-power-y people coming together. Well, there was that saying about strength in numbers. As long as they stood out of Spider-Man’s way there wouldn’t be any problems.  
  
++  
  
“This is crazy! You realize that, _don’t_ you? You do, right? Why wouldn’t you?!”  
  
Peter tugged his mask over his face. They’d left the tower over an hour ago after the huge feast that Peter was still full from. He had to go back to Stark/Avengers Tower tomorrow for work so he decided to put an end to this spider madness before it began. Translation: he was going to fight Spider-Woman _tonight_. “Relax Gwen, can’t help that I’m a lady magnet.”  
  
“Lady magnet? Are you kidding? The last lady you attracted _tried to kill you_ , Peter!” Right, Peter almost forgot about that Black Cat incident; the trying to kill him part anyway. Other than that, it was fond memories all around. Memories of her chasing him, throwing explosives his way, stealing jewels just to get his attention? Good times. He traded blows with Black Cat a little over a week ago. Apparently, the only way he could get girls as if they were fighting him. What rotten luck. He and Gwen were always arguing, but there wasn’t anything going on between them other than the sisterly overprotective vibe she gave off. “You don’t even know _where_ Spider-Woman wants to have your duel!”  
  
“I’ll just have to think like a spider, Gwen. No biggie. Five years of experience.”  
  
“What if the Avengers come? What if they try and help or if they try to destroy you?”  
  
“Cross that bridge when I get to it, Stacy. For now I’m focusing on taking Spider-Woman down. Was that an innuendo? It sounded like an innuendo.”  
  
“You’re babbling, Parker.” Gwen sighed shaking her head. “Got the comm link?”  
  
“As always, my fair maiden.” She chuckled. He tapped his ear, “testing. Testing~”  
  
“I hear you! Of course, I am standing right next to you.”  
  
“Right. I think I got everything. Costume – which is probably the most important; web shooters.” He shook his wrists, “uh... I think that’s all I usually ever have. Oh! I almost forget.” He put his hands on her shoulders. “I don’t want any pictures tonight, Gwen. This time I won’t give JJ the satisfaction of seeing Spider-Man fight.”  
  
“What if I just take pictures for memory then? Would that be okay?” Peter shook his head, “damn. Really? Alright.”  
  
“As a safety precaution, I kinda don’t want you near the fight either; wherever said fight might be happening. I don’t know much about Spider-Woman or what she’s capable of.”  
  
“I get it, I get it.” She huffed. “Just don’t die, alright?”  
  
“I will try my hardest.” He gave her a thumbs-up. She smiled nodding. “Later, Gator.” They were standing on the roof so Peter pointed his hand toward a building then webs shot out of wrists and he was off. Gwen sighed then headed down the stairs. This was usually the time in which she’d follow Peter anyway – after all he didn’t make her promise him to stay away. _Unfortunately_ , even Peter didn’t know where he was going. He was probably going to swing around the whole damn state looking for another red costumed individual. Which was a lot harder than it seemed – Daredevil had a red costume, Iron Man’s armor was red, Deadpool had a red costume. The only difference with Spider-Woman was her black (brown? _Red?_ ) hair freely flowing. Of course Elektra and Scarlet Witch had their hair coming out of their red costumes but neither of them wore a mask. Gwen couldn’t remember if they did or not, though she did remember that weird headpiece Scarlet Witch wore. The aforementioned individuals crossed paths with Spider-Man in the past (according to Peter – who experienced it first hand – and five years of news reports). Other than Deadpool none of them really wanted anything to do with him anymore.  
  
Gwen exited the building walking down the street. This sucked. She never felt particularly _useful_ with any of Peter’s other fights she witnessed but she never felt this useless either. She should have just latched onto him forcing him to take her along or she should have pulled a Sue Storm and put a tracking device on/in him.  
  
“Ms. Stacy.” Gwen stopped walking then looked up wide eyed at Natasha waving at her, sitting on a tree branch. It was a good thing Gwen was in front of her apartment building. She’d hate to think what happened if she was seen with Spider-Man pre-costume or even during. Gwen gulped; and she just asked Peter what he would do if the Avengers caught on to what he was doing. Gwen slowly walked over to the tree as Natasha hopped down. “Twice in one day.” Gwen smiled awkwardly nodding. This woman was intimidating and all she did was hop down from a damn tree branch! She didn’t really talk to Natasha when she was in Avengers Tower but apparently that didn’t matter right now. “I don’t suppose you know where Spider-Man is, do you?” Gwen looked the redhead up and down, she was wearing a black cat suit and her wrists were kind of _glowing_. Yeah, no cause for alarm or anything!  
  
Gwen shook her head. Fortunately, it wasn’t a lie but her nervousness was definitely going to give her away.  
  
Natasha merely stared at her as if she was trying to discern whether she was being lied to or not. Then, the redhead’s eyebrows furrowed slightly and she closed her eyes (though the rest of her face hadn’t moved an inch). “Right.” Gwen flinched as Natasha’s eyes locked onto hers. “Thank you for your time, Ms. Stacy.” She nodded then turned around walking.  
  
“Wait!” Natasha turned to her raising an eyebrow. Gwen’s eyes glanced at her glowing wrists then back at the woman herself. “Do _you_ know where Spider-Man is?”  
  
“...” Natasha turned around fully, “no. Not yet anyway.” Gwen’s eyebrows shot up. “Have a good night, Ms. Stacy.” Gwen watched the redhead run off. Great, now she was feeling worse than before!  
  
++  
  
“I may not have spider senses boss, but I’m pretty sure I feel a storm brewing.” Spider-Woman flopped back against the door sliding to the ground. She wasn’t familiar with New York but atop a giant building seemed like as good a place as any to fight. Stark Tower was her original choice but her “boss” figured that was a stupid move with all the security and whatnot but the Empire State Building? Why the hell not? She huffed looking up at the sky. “Boss?” She called into her headset looking down. “I don’t wanna sound like I’m doubting you but what if he’s a no show? I’m pretty sure he’s got better things to do, _I_ have better things to do. If he doesn’t show am I supposed to stay here every night until he comes? Because I gotta say I am not keen on that plan.”  
  
 _“Don’t worry your pretty little head. He’ll be here. Tonight. I guarantee it. Even if you didn’t tell him_ where _to meet.”  
  
_ Spider-Woman winced. “Forgot about that part.” Rolling her eyes behind her mask she slumped further against the door. “You seem pretty sure but I got a question? What if the Avengers show up and open a can of whoop-ass? This is their home turf after all. Plus, those west coast guys nearly killed me in case you forgot.” She frowned hearing nothing on the other line. “Boss? Son of a—” She glanced up at the sky right as Spider-Man, in all his red and blue spandex- _y_ glory, landed right in front of her with his arms folded over his chest. “Hey!” She said with a wave beaming.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
She stood extending her hand. “Spider-Woman. Didn’t really rip off your name or anything it’s just that I have spider powers and I’m a woman – you know how that is.” Spider-Man glanced at her hand for a moment before shaking it. “Alright! So let’s get down to this duel. Standard non-death rules apply if that’s okay with you?”  
  
“Oh, I definitely agree. The more non-death the better.”  
  
“I like you.” She grinned. “I’m gonna try doubly hard not to kill you.”  
  
“I appreciate that.”  
  
 _“Stick with the plan, Jess.”  
  
_ “Seriously?” Spider-Man looked at her. “Huh?” She waved her arms defensively in front of her. “No, I’m not talking to you... or myself. My boss is on this headset thing. See?” She moved some of her hair revealing a headset over her left ear. “You know damn well I never said I was going to kill him.”  
  
 _“You know that I don’t want you to kill him._ ” Spider-Woman scoffed, “ _in fact you know damn well what I want you to do.”  
  
_ “Aye-aye.” She put her hair down shaking her head wildly. “Alright! Hope you’re not afraid to hit a lady or get hit by one.”  
  
“Nope.”  
  
Spider-Woman grinned. “Great.” She held out her hands mumbling then her head snapped up at Spider-Man who hadn’t moved. “ _Uh..._ boss?”  
  
 _“It isn’t working?_ ”  
  
“Noooope.” She sighed, “new plan? Yeah. I think I’ll go with a new plan.” She folded her arms over her chest tapping her foot against the rooftop.  
  
“Is there going to be any fighting involved?”  
  
“Hm? Oh, yeah. You see my first plan was to get you to do whatever the boss wanted with my pheromones. Unfortunately, they don’t seem to work on you... _so_ onto plan B which is kicking your ass then taking you back to the boss. Well, truthfully the ass kicking was plan A then the pheromones if I ended up on the losing end. I’m babbling, aren’t I?” She sighed again. “Okay.” She cracked her knuckles jumping up and down shaking herself.  
  
“I don’t suppose there’s a slight off-chance of you telling me who you work for, is there?”  
  
Spider-Woman frowned briefly, “I don’t think so.”  
  
“Just asking.” Spider-Man got into a defensive stance.  
  
++  
  
“The Empire State Building?” Natasha glanced up at the night sky. Spiders _did_ like high places and she knew better than to question whatever the hell Clint saw with his highly impressive farsightedness. Seriously, how could anyone see so well so damn far? Well he was “Hawkeye” after all and there were some things better left unknown.  
  
 _“Yup. Don’t know how much info I’ll be able to get though. Also, it doesn’t really look like they’re doing anything. SW is pacing around talking in a headset while Spidey— nope, never mind he just webbed her hands together.”  
  
_ Natasha looked up again, “and where are you exactly?”  
  
 _“The top of Stark Tower_.”  
  
“Right. I’m on my way.”  
  
 _“Hey, can you bring some chips on the way up?”  
  
_ ++  
  
“This is so rude!” Spider-Woman said trying to move her hands.  
  
“Sorry, you really didn’t give me much of a choice.” Spider-Man sighed. This was not what he was expecting. He was wondering if he should turn her into the cops, but seeing as how she didn’t do anything (other than waste his time) it wouldn’t be worth the effort. “Listen, Red, maybe we can reschedule when you and your boss have a better plan?”  
  
Spider-Man’s eyes widened behind the mask as she broke through the webs. Sure, they weren’t the hardest material to break through but still! His shock only increased as she spread her hands and web-like wings came out and she _flew at him_ tackling him to the ground. “ _Sorry_.” She said grinning over him in a mocking tone, “you didn’t give me much of a choice.”  
  
“Yeah, I deserved that.” He groaned.  
  
“Yeah.” Chuckling, Spider-Woman stood then held out her left hand. Due to the wondrous thing known as his spider sense Spider-Man managed to move his head enough to see whatever she just shot out of her hand put a hole in the roof of the Empire State Building.  
  
“D-Did you just spit _acid_ out of your hand?!”  
  
“Not acid.” She chided, “electricity. Call ‘em my venom blast, like it?” Her grin widened almost maniacally, “but you might be immune to that too. Guess there’s only one way to find out.”  
  
She could fly and shoot _electricity_ out of her hands? Yeah, he might be at a disadvantage here. But seriously, what kind of spider _flies_?? Shaking out of his stupor, Spider-Man jumped to his feet. “Hey, what happened to not killing me?”  
  
“Don’t misunderstand, Spidey.” Spider-Man’s spider sense acted up again as Spider-Woman bent down picking up a sword unsheathing it painfully slow. “Killing you and _hurting you_ are two very different things.” Spider-Man gulped. And she could use swords too? Yup, definitely at a disadvantage.  
  
“Why not just keep with the hand-to-hand? Lessen the chances of, you know, accidental murder and whatnot.” As Spider-Woman lifted her sword Spider-Man quickly brought his left hand forward shooting a web at the sword. They played tug of war for a bit before Spider-Man managed to pry the sword from her hands. “Gotta keep a better grip on these things, ya know?” He webbed the entire sword frowning under his mask.  
  
Spider-Woman smirked. “Sassy aren’t you?” Spider-Man shrugged. He couldn’t very well throw a sword of all things off the Empire State Building and expect it not to hurt or even kill someone despite the fact that it was encased in webs. Naturally, he did the only logical thing he could think of in the next five seconds before Spider-Woman attacked. He lifted the sword in the air then slammed it on the roof satisfied when he heard it shatter. “Aw, _what_?! Do you have any idea how much I paid for that?!” She hissed holding out her arms shooting another venom blast he narrowly dodged. She kept shooting with Spider-Man dodging. Either her reflexes were getting better or his were getting worse because with every shot she fired they seemed to get closer and closer to hitting him.  
  
 _“Stop!”_ Suddenly, as quickly as she started she stopped putting her hands to her sides like some kind of robot. _“We’re going with plan 452.”  
  
_ “Since when did we give the plans numbers?” She swerved as something flew passed her masked face. “Dude, did you throw a _brick_ at me?!”  
  
 _“Now would be a good time to do that thing I said earlier.”  
  
_ “That is not a good idea.” She mumbled.  
  
 _“Really? Because I’m pretty sure I’m not on the losing end of this battle. Get the job done or_ I will _.”  
  
_ “I...” She sighed heavily, “ _okay!_ ” She back-flipped against the door she kicked open then grabbed a sword against the wall and unsheathed it. She then gripped the sword’s hilt with both hands and Spider-Man saw electricity spark from her hands and onto the blade. “Just remember, Spidey, I’m not attacking with lethal force.”  
  
Spider-Man gulped. “Good to know.”  
  
She charged at him with the sword in hand. She swung high and he ducked then she cartwheeled over him and swung the sword down nearly hitting his shoulder. Spider-Man didn’t think he’d ever been as happy to have spidey sense as he was now; not only was he (barely) dodging the sword but the electricity too. Things would get pretty bad if he was slashed up or charred, or a combination of the two. Sure, he had a healing factor but he was no Wolverine for crying out loud! If he lost a limb it wasn’t coming back. Wait, _could_ Wolverine reattach body parts? He knew Deadpool could but he wasn’t sure about Wolverine.  
  
Spider-Woman threw the sword at him. He dodged but looked back seeing that it got stuck in the roof; like embedded onto the roof (i.e. his floor). He sighed in relief then his spider sense reacted about half a second too late but he braced for the kick to the stomach Spider-Woman sent his way causing him to slide back near the edge of the roof. “Oh boss, I don’t know how I ever doubted you!” She straightened herself out. “You alright? It wouldn’t be fun to end it so quick. Boss was confident your goody two shoes reputation was up to snuff; said if I threw the sword you’d look in case it hit a civilian or something.” She cracked her knuckles. “Didn’t think it would work but whatever. He knows you a lot better than I do.”  
  
Damn she was strong. His stomach was aching and that wasn’t good especially since he was so well fed. He looked over his shoulder looking down before taking a step so he was no longer almost hanging off the Empire State Building. “You plan on beating me by talking me to a state of submission?”  
  
“Maybe next time if you’re lucky.” Spider-Woman paused then broke out in a grin. “You wanted hand-to-hand combat, didn’t you? Then let’s go.”  
  
They charged at one another and Spider-Woman caught one of Spider-Man’s fists. “Didn’t think that through...” He said trying to pull his hand back. He reflexively jumped as she tried to kick him. With his free hand he shot a web in her face. She loosened her grip enough so that he was able to break free. He couldn’t just charge again since she had that whole electricity thing going on but playing defense wasn’t good either.  
  
She ripped the webs off her face pursing her lips. “You’re forcing my hand here, Webs.” Her head tilted slightly toward the headset.  
  
 _“Jess, stop stalling, if you keep fighting like this you’ll burn out.”  
  
_ “Don’t know if you realized this boss, but spiders have the tendency to play with their prey.”  
  
 _“You won’t be playing when he hauls your ass in the nearest prison cell! He’s stronger and has more stamina than you do. Which is why I told you to stick to the damn plan. I though my prized pupil would to a better job than this.”_ Spider-Woman grit her teeth. _“But you were never good at following directions, Jessica.”  
  
_ “You know...” Spider-Man shot a web forward at her left hand, which was holding onto her headset. “Its kinda rude to keep talking to someone else in the middle of a duel.” He tsked, “I’m disappointed, Spider-Woman, you don’t hear me talking into my headset.” She tried to free her hand from her head but some of her hair was attached to the webbing.  
  
“Damn you fight dirty.”  
  
“So we’re not counting shooting electricity or throwing swords as fighting dirty?” Spider-Man shrugged shaking his head. “Oh well.” He folded his arms over his chest. “I guess I need to think about what to do with you? Prison seems a bit harsh right?” Before she could open her mouth he shot a web over it. “Oops. Guess I’m still fighting dirty.” The eye parts of Spider-Woman’s mask got a little smaller, meaning she was probably glaring. That happened a lot with masks – Spider-Man spoke from personal experience with that one.  
  
Frowning, Spider-Man started pacing while keeping an eye on Spider-Woman who kept trying to break free from her webbing. He sighed then wrapped up her whole body like a cocoon then went back to pacing. This was an unusual situation to be in. Usually when someone called him out for a fight they didn’t publicly announce it beforehand. They usually stole or injured someone, Spider-Man came by then beat the snot out of them. Simple. Easy. The way things normally were. But here comes the Spider-Woman challenging him on live television then getting distracted by her mystery boss talking into a headset throwing sharp objects and nearly electrocuting him! She didn’t do anything per se, and wasn’t trying to kill him so throwing her in prison seemed _wrong_. Plus, in some weird way he kind of liked her company. How many other human sized spiders did he get to spar with?  
  
“Tell ya what, Spidey.” She looked up at him, which was about the only thing she could do since her head (most of it anyway) wasn’t webbed. “I’m gonna let you go. We’ll get a rematch that doesn’t have your boss distracting you, sound good?” She started with some muffled yelling then began thrashing around and the damn spider sense made him turn around spotting Taskmaster of all people shaking his head as he leaned against the opened door.  
  
“I’m afraid that doesn’t really sound like a good idea, Spider-Man, at least not to me.” He slowly walked over to Spider-Woman hauling her over his shoulder ripping the webs off her mouth.  
  
“ _Fuck_!” She screamed, “why’d you do that?”  
  
“Best way to rip off a bandage is to do it quickly.”  
  
“Way to go all philosophical boss.” She pouted blowing some of her hair out of her face.  
  
Spider-Man tilted his head in blatant confusion, “I’m sorry... did you just—wait a minute! _You work for Taskmaster_? _He’s_ the boss you kept talking to!?”  
  
“Yup!” She grinned.  
  
“Forgive her, would you? She’s a bit of a rookie.” Spider-Woman scowled. “So I can’t necessarily agree with you two having a rematch without my guidance.” He cocked his masked head to the left staring at Spider-Woman who put her head down with a groan. “Seeing as how we haven’t done anything I assume you’ll let us go without any fuss?”  
  
Sure, Taskmaster didn’t do anything _today_ – at least he didn’t hear of anything. Not that Taskmaster did anything that didn’t require payment usually in the form of cash but he took rare moves as payment sometimes. Come to think of it, since the last time he got the crap beat out of him by Taskmaster several weeks ago he hadn’t heard of him doing anything. Why he had Spider-Woman call him “boss” and pick her up like a log was anyone’s guess. Taskmaster did have a lot of students though Spider-Woman didn’t seem like the usual Taskmaster drone; she was too free-spirited, too mouthy, too not evil to be someone who worked for Taskmaster. And he normally wouldn’t come to a drone’s aid either. There had to be some kind of deeper connection. Like a possible daughter? She seemed too young to be a wife/ex-wife – though that did not make it an outright non-possibility. She could be his little sister or cousin or some other family member. Regardless of _that_ , Spider-Man couldn’t possibly take them both on right now; he could barely handle Taskmaster alone. So with a sigh, he nods. Hopefully, he wouldn’t regret this decision. “Until next time, Webs.”  
  
“Bye!” Spider-Woman said with a grin. “And I’ll totally give you a Taskmaster-less rematch.” She winced as he turned to glare at her before they walked down the stairs. “W-What?”  
  
Well, that was a complete waste of the night.

 


	2. Asgardian burritos? And the big game ‘Pool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time Thor comes to Midgard he learns new and wondrous things and while he can’t necessarily bring his friends to Asgard on a whim he surely can expose them to some Asgardian customs! Knowledge will do the Midgardians justice, will it not?
> 
> Meanwhile, Spider-Woman is dead set on a rematch without her boss’ help/interference and only a team up with Deadpool will make things better. Or, in Spider-Man’s case, far more annoying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: No Midgardians were harmed in the preparations of this feast... afterwards, not so much.

“Whoa.” Carol side-stepped as Peter practically flew out of the elevator. “Someone’s in a hurry.”  
  
“Sorry.” He grinned sheepishly, adjusting the stack of papers in his hands as he jogged in place.  
  
The blonde studied him for a moment before patting him on the back. “At ease soldier, Stark’s out.” Peter sighed in relief but continued to jog, though he went a slower pace. “Before I forget to ask, did you enjoy yourself yesterday? The feast thing was nice but really short notice.”  
  
“I enjoyed myself to the fullest, Ms. Danvers.”  
  
Carol smiled. “Great. Thor will be happy to hear that. He’s preparing another one today, says he’s grown fond of the beloved assistant of our dear friend Anthony in such a short time. He even stayed in Midgard—” She frowned, _“—Earth_ an extra day in hopes of seeing you again.” Carol grinned elbowing him, “bet you’re just breaking all the hearts aren’t you?” Peter blushed slightly. “Oh! Jen’s still here too. Actually, she left to do something but came back. In fact, basically everyone wants to see more of you. I don’t really know if that’s a good thing or not. Haven’t really been with the team all that long myself but...” She shrugged, “that’s what you get for hanging out with the Avengers, kid. It’s not gonna be an easy road for you and I will totally understand your desire to quit or flee.”  
  
“Are you kidding? This job is perfect! Hanging with superheroes and playing with Tony Stark’s tech? What more can I ask for?”  
  
She laughed. “When you put it that way I guess not much.” Peter beamed. “I’ll see you around. I’m actually still full from yesterday’s meal, but I’d be a fool to say no to free food.” Peter nodded waving to the blonde as the elevator closed behind her.  
  
He sighed shuffling along to the lab Tony frequented the most. As if last night couldn’t possibly get any worse (or tiresome... whichever), Natasha – no wait _Black Widow_ – found him and started saying a bunch of things that made no sense to him. The one thing he did manage to understand was that she called him a threat. Not in the J. Jonah condescending way either. There was a bit of amusement in her voice even though her expression told no telltale signs of it. She held a blank file in her hands; two actually – one file was for Spider-Woman. The only things on the files were their names and pictures and height. Apparently, she had been spying on the fight. _Where_? Peter had no idea nor had he any idea of how they knew his height just from a glance. But he got the _why_ part. They needed info but came up a little short. Good for him but bad for them. If he did give Spider-Woman a rematch Black Widow would probably watch that match too. He was actually dreading seeing her here. Not that she’d automatically know he was Spider-Man or anything. Plus she spoke to Gwen last night which did little to ease his nerves. But the thing that really made his nerves as uneasy as possible was that there was nothing said about Taskmaster. Either Black Widow and her all seeing eyes didn’t notice him or chose not to comment for whatever reason.  
  
He entered the lab and as expected, Doctor B was behind some screen calculating. “Hey, Doc.” Peter greeted freeing his arms as he put the stack of papers on the formerly empty desk.  
  
“Oh! Hi. Luke was sure you got scared off yesterday with all the glad tidings but I hoped he was wrong.”  
  
“It’ll take more than an impromptu feast to get rid of me, in fact I’d say that’s more of an invitation to stay.” Bruce chuckled cleaning his glasses. “Carol actually told me there’s another one today?”  
  
“That’s what I heard. Or saw. The kitchen is a war zone at the moment so you should probably steer clear of there.” Peter whistled. “Feasts are just our way of enjoying some downtime before the next big monster fight or alien invasion or what have you. They’re never premeditated though since villainy doesn’t have a set schedule. I have to say though, it’s been a while since someone new created so much buzz around the tower so I guess another feast was to be expected. I think the last time everyone got so crazy was when Carol officially moved in. Or was it Sam? I don’t remember.”  
  
Carol did just say she was new to the team or something. Peter could imagine the Avengers crowding around Carol or whoever throwing a feast for them. “So you and Tony bring the science to the fights, huh doc?” Peter rose both eyebrows as Bruce flinched slightly before nodding. That was ... _odd_. Just like yesterday when he asked if the doctor was getting into his suit. Then again, Doctor B was awfully jittery. How did he manage to be around so many short attention span having, feast throwing, nowhere near as jumpy superheroes on a daily basis? Didn’t they make his nervousness worse? Perhaps they made it better? Peter didn’t know. Doctor Bruce Banner was one of the smartest people Peter ever met and if he used his knowledge and general nervousness to help battle supervillains then so be it. Peter had to outsmart a lot of people as Spider-Man; he also had to out-dumb a few too.  
  
Shrugging off that thought, Peter dove head first into his work. Tuesdays were the absolute best! Peter didn’t have any classes so he was free to embrace the science of Stark Towers for pretty much the entire day. It helped that Mondays were payday too. So on the rare chance that he didn’t get to work on Tuesday he had money. And with the promise of more free mouthgasmic inducing food this Tuesday was sure to be great.  
  
++  
  
Meanwhile, in the kitchen the vent cover on the wall in the kitchen came flying off. “Good to see you managed well, James.” A brunet crawled out of the vent. Natasha put a mug on the counter staring at the brunet who started stretching.  
  
“This is usually Barton’s duty, right?”  
  
“Crawling through vents? No, it’s not really much of a duty as it is a privilege for him.”  
  
“How does he manage fitting through those things anyway? He’s taller than me.”  
  
Natasha shrugged. “Clint has... years of body twisting experience.”  
  
“Sounds like you speak from personal experience, Natasha.” The brunet rose an eyebrow at the cup pointing at it with his metal arm, “what’s that?”  
  
“Asgardian tea. You will not be disappointed.” Shrugging, he walked over to the counter drinking from the mug.  
  
“Not really much of a tea drinker but it’s good. Anyway, where’s Barton?”  
  
“With Thor. They went shopping for ingredients to make some kind of Asgardian feast tonight.” Natasha gestured around her to the state of disarray the kitchen was in. Out of all the rooms in the tower, despite being the most used (next to any of Tony’s labs), the kitchen was usually the cleanest.  
  
“Is he making more burritos?”  
  
“After Doctor Banner nearly hulked out when you guys ate his vegetarian ones? Yeah, I don’t think so.”  
  
“If Thor—or Odin or whoever—didn’t make them so damn good we wouldn’t have fought over them. And in what world does veggie shit taste better than meat?”  
  
“In Asgard.”  
  
“Well, if he’s making shit from Asgard and there are no burritos I’m sure Doc will hulk out regardless.”  
  
Natasha sighed, “possibly. Of course only Thor knows what he’s making.” Natasha propped her elbow against the table pressing her face against her palm. It was two months ago – right around the time the Avengers got together to raid Tony Stark’s home/tower claiming it as theirs. After a particularly grueling battle Thor (who had not participated in said battle) flew down from Asgard with food as an apology for not being of assistance in the previous battle. He heard or saw something from some TV show about how food brings people together so he (or Odin or whoever) made burritos. Now this conversation was brought on a few days earlier when the newest Avenger, Sam, was eating a burrito. He spoke to Thor and he tried some saying it was good but not quite like the stuff he had on Asgard so he must have told her he’d bring some then a few days later he delivered.  
  
It was also the first night they began these impromptu feasts as it were – only that night wasn’t so much of a feast as it was a movie night.  
  
Asgardian burritos were about four times the size of Midgardian burritos so everyone took a piece; in order to be fair to the group’s only _known_ vegetarians, Danny and Bruce, they split a vegetarian burrito. _Then_ all hell broke loose. It wasn’t the sort of hell that required hospitalization – although there were a few close calls. Either the food had the tendency to bring out the absolute worst in people or it was so damn good you couldn’t possibly fathom sharing. Either way, everyone managed to get their fill of fighting and eating that had most of the Avengers ending up bloodied in food comas. It was a miracle they were able to respond to any emergency the next day.  
  
The oddest part was that Thor mentioned to them that it was just like being on Asgard. The fighting and eating were “all in good fun” according to him especially since no one was truly mad enough to break out super powers or weapons. Tony did shoot a repulsor blast at a wall with one of his gloves when Sam took a bite out of his burrito. ~~No one knew why he was wearing the gloves and not the rest of the armor though.~~  
  
Truthfully, Natasha wouldn’t mind another Asgardian feast “all in good fun” _but –_ according to Carol _–_ Peter was with Bruce in the lab. While the Avengers family was normally civil-ish all thoughts and forms of civility disappeared without a trace when it came to good food; or more accurately good _Asgardian_ food. If they were already treating the kid like family they were more likely to go all out against him; lack of super powers be damned. Natasha didn’t want to play babysitter when she wanted to eat just as badly as the others. Maybe she’d put Clint up to the task. He was already the most protective of Peter beside Tony and Bruce but putting Bruce on babysitting duty wasn’t the best plan if the food was to remain intact.  
  
The brunet put his mug down with a satisfied sigh. “When did they leave?”  
  
“Don’t know. It must have been a little while ago. Where’s Cap?”  
  
“At S.H.I.E.L.D. headquarters, probably debriefing or something. I got the hell out of there once we were done. Hill likes hearing herself talk.”  
  
“Are you still underground?” The brunet shook his head with a frown, “why don’t you just move into the tower then? You can keep your identity a secret from the public. And I’m sure Cap would appreciate it.” At his raised eyebrow Natasha sighed. “No not only Cap, the rest of us will welcome you with open arms, James. Plus, the food here is much better.”  
  
He tapped his chin with his right hand. “I’ll think about it.”  
  
“Good, because Tony already made you a room.” The brunet sighs chuckling.  
  
++  
  
Hearing a knock at his door, Deadpool lowered the volume on the television picking up the gun he had beside the remote. _{Is that the pizza we ordered?}_ Deadpool glanced at the half empty, opened pizza box on the floor. He might have ordered another box... but he didn’t remember.  
  
 _[Maybe it’s a girl scout? Man I love those cookies! Let’s get a box or three!]_ If it was some bad guy he’d just blow a hole through the door or open the door then shoot. Either way sounded good. He tip-toed over to the door with the gun in hand glancing through the peephole. _[Yay! Spidey’s home! Open up! Open up! And ask her about the mission!]_ On the other side of Deadpool’s apartment door stood a tired, grimy Spider-Woman who looked a few seconds away from collapsing.  
  
It took about ten seconds to unlatch all the locks on his apartment. _{One can never be too careful.}_ Then he opened the door with his arms wide. “Need a hug?” Sighing, she nodded walking into his embrace. _[Score! More hot girls should fall into our arms!]_ After a few seconds she pulled back frowning. “Hey, didn’t I give you a key? I did, right?” _{I remember putting a key into her hands then getting electrocuted.} [Yeah, that.]_   
  
“And your buddy took it.” Deadpool moved aside allowing her to walk in the apartment closing the door behind her. It wouldn’t be the first time some masked individual came in or out of this apartment but it was a pain to keep explaining this to neighbors.  
  
“What did you do wrong?”  
  
“What makes you think I did anything wrong?”  
  
“Because I doubt Tasky is sadistic enough to take it if you did something _right_.” Spider-Woman groaned. _{I don’t know, he is pretty sadistic...}_ “I take it your solo mission went unsuccessful?”  
  
“Unsuccessful?” She barked out a laugh pulling her mask off her face groaning. “I got a three hour lecture on how stupid it is to take on people _so far_ out of your league unprepared and without proper guidance.” She sighed, “ _then_ he put me through basic grunt training, Wade. _Grunt. Training_!” She put her head back against the couch. “What’s with his freaking obsession with Spider-Man anyway?”  
  
“Hold on Jess...” _[Her mask-less name is Jessica.] {You mean secret identity.} [Whichever.]_ “Spider-Man? You took on Spider-Man _alone_? No wonder Tasky’s riding your ass.” _{Eww. Not a pretty picture.} [Are you kidding? Jess is hot!]_ Deadpool had to nod in agreement there. If he weren’t already spoken for. But there was no harm in looking. _[Yeah, and she’s hot and wearing a skin tight suit! And laying on our couch!]  
  
_ Jessica looked up frowning. “You’re doing that thing again, aren’t you? That thing you said I wouldn’t understand?”  
  
“Sure, let’s go with that.”  
  
Sighing, she put her head back against the couch. “I only lost because boss kept distracting me. Telling everything I did was wrong. In the end Spider-Man webbed me to my headset then my whole body.”  
  
 _[{Wait a sec, are we going to ignore that visual!?}]  
  
_ “I promised Spidey a rematch without Taskmaster watching me like a hawk.”  
  
“You’re Tasky’s top student, I doubt he’d let you go off alone.” Jessica grinned snapping her head up. “I do not like that face...” _[I do! I like it a lot!]_  
  
“Wade, you’re getting paid to ‘babysit’ me.”  
  
“And Tasky’s paid to ‘babysit’ me, your point?” _{Some babysitter, he’s barely around and we nearly burned the apartment down twice. He should get fired.}  
  
_ “I won’t be going off alone if you’re with me.”  
  
 _[And there goes that sexy evil grin again!]_ “Jess... I— oh what the hell! I owe Webs a rematch too. Wait, do I?” _{He_ did _get away during your monologue.}  
  
_ Jessica waved him off, “doesn’t matter. You and boss are friends – or something – so it’ll soften the blow to some degree.” She grinned getting up stretching. “I don’t want to do it today and I obviously won’t do another broadcast.”  
  
“You _broadcasted_ your fight?” _[And people say_ we’re _crazy?!]_ Jessica shrugged in a half-assed definitely a student of Taskmaster type of way. “Before or after?” _{Why not during?}_  
  
“Before. I sort of called him out at a news station. The fight itself wasn’t on TV or anything.”  
  
 _{Forget Taskmaster’s student she should be trained under the house of Deadpool. I bet there weren’t any explosions or anything.}_ Deadpool nodded putting a finger to his masked chin. “I have a better idea to call out Spidey 2.0 without causing too much attention to yourself. I know, I know I’m all about too much attention but I do stealth like no one’s business.” _[And pull off red way better than Spider-Man.] {But not as good as Spider-Woman.} [Well almost as good.]_  
  
“I didn’t get to any stealth lessons yet.” Jessica frowned then looked up. “What do I need to do?”

 

++  
  
When Tony returned to the tower he wasn’t alone. Peter saw him, Thor, Clint, Carol and some other person he did not recognize carrying an array of paper bags. Clint had the most bags and was doing an impressive job of balancing some on his shoulders; the bag on his head was a nice touch. Having been bored from not having to deal with his boss’ sass or usual assortment of random questions and with Doctor B slipping in and out every few minutes, Peter decided to walk around. He couldn’twaltz around Avengers Tower and not expect a security program to electrocute him, so he just stuck to the main halls and ended up walking beside the huge ass room with an equally huge television. He _might_ be able to disarm any defense mechanisms or web them into a state of malfunction but he liked his job too much to get fired over something like that.  
  
The elevator pinged open again and another guy came out of it... _floating_. Peter’s interest was officially piqued. The floating guy had a cape and next to him (or floating beside him) were a couple of floating grocery bags following his every move.  
  
Curiosity still piqued, Peter (tempted to just climb the walls or jump) took the elevator one floor down to the kitchen level then peered inside. “I’m telling you, intergalactic grocery stores need to be on every block.” Tony nodded to himself. “It’s a fact.”  
  
“I agree. The stuff they sold there was _amazing_.” The unfamiliar lady said beaming. “And it’s not even just food.” She added.  
  
“Sounds like you guys had a good time.” Peter did a double take at the guy sitting on the counter with _a freaking metal arm_ holding a damn coffee mug like it was nothing. That guy was definitely one Avenger Peter did not recognize. After all, the metal arm would be a dead giveaway. Unless he concealed it...  
  
“Where was this ‘intergalactic grocery store?’” Natasha asked raising an eyebrow.  
  
“Down the street from the X-Men school. Logan told us about it.” The unfamiliar girl said.  
  
“Almost wish I tagged along. But Mars has pretty good intergalactic stores too.” Everyone in the room glanced at Carol who shrugged.  
  
“We all can’t breathe in space, _Captain_.” The blonde rolled her eyes. “Now, I can’t cook so I’m going to get the hell out of here before this kitchen sets on fire.”  
  
“Second that notion.” Clint added, “and ditto for me.”  
  
“Not so fast, Barton.” Carol grabbed him by the wrist. “Don’t give us shit about you not being able to cook. You either, Stark.” She grabbed Tony by the collar.  
  
“I’m sorry, did you just trade personalities with Romanoff?” Tony looked at Natasha who shrugged but did little to hide the amusement on her face. “I have never cooked a day in my life!”  
  
Carol rose an eyebrow. “Two days ago? Before Cap and Bucky left? That huge breakfast you two made?”  
  
“Experiment.” They both blurted out.  
  
“Well it was a damn good one.” Natasha replied, “so you two are going to assist Thor today.”  
  
“Make ‘em wear aprons too.”  
  
“I wouldn’t be laughing if I were you, Ava.”  
  
“Then it’s a good thing you’re not me, Tony.”  
  
“Ava, you’re helping too.”  
  
“Dammit!” She huffed. “Why? I don’t even attempt to cook in the kitchen!”  
  
“All the more reason to learn.” Carol said with a wink. “James, you can help too.” The brunet replied with a shrug. “You too, Doc.” The floating guy nodded wordlessly. “If we’re going to eat, we’re going to help.” Everyone – excluding the floating guy – groaned, even Natasha who’d probably deny it if asked later.  
  
“Tell her, Thor, it would be too much trouble to have so many people _not knowing what they’re doing_ in the kitchen.” Tony said as calmly as he could though he was flailing in the air. He and Carol were about the same size, but she was stronger and she had him a good five feet in the air since she was hovering with him in one hand and Clint in the other.  
  
“Well...” Thor paused as all eyes landed on him, “I believe the meal would taste better if we all partake in the preparations.” Clint and Tony swore under their breath then Carol dropped them with a satisfied smirk.  
  
“Thanks Thor. And, Ava, since you suggested...” The black-haired girl blanched, “let’s get aprons!”  
  
“The frillier, the better.” Natasha said smirking. Huffing, Ava complied with a curt nod bending under the counter getting a stack of folded aprons. Natasha managed to successfully double-knot everyone’s aprons, including her own – and Peter didn’t know _how_ she managed to do that without looking, while giving everyone minus Carol directions. Then she turned to the blonde and whispered something that had her laughing.  
  
Clint elbowed Tony, “translate.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m not really as multilingual as those two.” Clint rolled his eyes, “don’t give me that _but you’re Tony Stark_ look. I can probably make a translator though.”  
  
“This isn’t fair.” Ava said scowling as she peeled potatoes. “I wasn’t even here yesterday. You guys had a feast and no one even thought to tell me! Then next day you have me doing manual labor? I may not live in the tower but I so don’t deserve this!”  
  
“Finished whining?” Carol asked tilting her head.  
  
“Yes, Ms. Danvers.”  
  
“And what exactly are you two doing?” As the “sciency” one – as they so often eloquently put it – Natasha assigned Tony the task of measuring **all** the ingredients. It sounded simple but nothing was in basic English or even British measurements. Tony not only had to figure out what the hell any of this shit meant but put it together too. Clint, beside him, used his aiming skills to perfectly dice and chop random things after Tony measured them out. Unlike Tony, Clint seemed to enjoy his task. Ava was on the other side of the counter peeling while grumbling to herself.  
  
“If you were doing your job, Stark, you wouldn’t be paying attention to us.” He glared at Natasha who shrugged.  
  
Carol and Natasha were with Thor and the floating guy but Peter couldn’t see what they were doing since their backs were turned to the door. The long haired brunet was on Tony’s other side but Peter couldn’t see what he was doing either.  
  
With a smile, Peter slowly stepped away from the doorway. He didn’t want to interrupt them and it warmed his heart a little knowing they were doing this for him. He barely knew any of these people yet they just allowed him into their home and even threw a feast for him simply because he helped one of their own.  
  
These people were more like a family than a band of superheroes.  
  
Peter started walking when the elevator pinged open revealing Susan Storm – well _parts of her_. She must have not realized she was invisible because Peter only saw her clothes come out of the elevator. “Hi Peter.” She said turning tangible. She frowned, “was I invisible just now?” The brunet nodded dumbly. “Damn...” She tapped her chin with her hand that turned invisible again, “its the craziest thing but the Avengers actually sent me a text to help them cook.”  
  
“Sue!” Carol greeted sticking her head out of the kitchen, “we have frilly aprons and your left arm is invisible.” Sue looked down expressionless. “Is your brother here?”  
  
“Nope. Trying to, um, let the tracking device pass.” She grimaced. “So I’m here alone. Actually, I’m not, I brought Ben...” Sue turned around turning invisible for a second before regaining her tangibility. “Who must have disappearing powers too.”  
  
The elevator pinged once more and a huge rock like guy came out. “Sue, you musta turned invisible because I didn’t notice you went in the elevator until I heard it reach this floor!”  
  
“Right, my powers have been fluctuating all day...” Sue sighed. “Maybe I should see Doctor Banner.”  
  
“He ain’t that type of doc, Sue.”  
  
Sue frowned, “maybe Doctor Strange then?”  
  
“He is in the kitchen, but I don’t know how much help he’d be.” Sue sighs again then nods as she shuffles into the kitchen.  
  
Carol watched her walk in before turning to Ben. Peter glanced as she mouthed the word – or rather name – _Reed_ then the big guy shook his head. “Who’s the kid?” He asked jerking his thumb at Peter.  
  
“Oh! Didn’t realize you were there, Pete. This is Peter Parker, Tony’s assistant.”  
  
“Yeah, R—” He glanced in the kitchen, “I heard about ya. Ben Grimm. I’d shake your hand but you’re kinda scrawny.” Peter sighed. Ben had no problem patting Spider-Man on the back or shaking his hand but he didn’t seem as _scrawny_ as Peter apparently. Actually, that wasn’t true, Ben did voice his concern for injuring Spider-Man after their introduction and several times after that. _Hopefully_ , he wouldn’t be able to put the two together. He ruffled Peter’s hair surprisingly a lot softer than Peter would have expected. “Also, Johnny doesn’t shut up about him. Sue told me you got the tracking device out?”  
  
“From what _I_ heard... not officially.” Carol took one more glance into the kitchen. Sue took her seat next to Natasha and started working. The blonde walked over to Ben putting an arm around him. “Susan’s powers... do they go through her emotions?”  
  
“Not always. When she first got ‘em, sure, they were crazy. The slightest thing that set her off had her building up force fields and everything. She’s pretty much got her control down though. And it can’t be because of... _you know_ because me and Johnny have been doing our best keeping them apart outside of missions. I don’t remember this ever happening before. She keeps going in and out; invisible then visible again.” Ben rubbed his head, “don’t know what the problem could be.”  
  
“Well we have several unofficial doctors around that can take a look.” Carol turned to Peter grinning, “wanna help us in the kitchen?”  
  
“Me? No, I’m terrible at cooking.” He gasped as Carol gripped his hand. He made a mental note to remember Carol Danvers had super strength because she gripped the unholy hell out of his hands but didn’t apply enough pressure to break anything, and that was something he was grateful for.  
  
“All the more reason to learn. Come on, Ben.”  
  
“Unlike the string bean I actually have cooking prowess but your kitchen ain’t big enough for me.”  
  
“Are you kidding? A-Bomb was over here the other day and he managed just fine.” With a sigh, Ben nods entering the kitchen behind them. Peter made another mental note to remember Carol Danvers was also incredibly persuasive. Was that her superpower?  
  
It took hours, _hours_ to get everything situated then about close to an hour to clean everything up. Peter got so into it he didn’t realize what he was doing until after everything was finished. They put him with Ava where he’d do the least amount of damage after discovering that he absolutely was terrible at cooking. So he and Ava (who he became friends with rather quickly) were cracking jokes while peeling potatoes and any other food that needed peeling.  
  
Carol put Ben with Thor and the floating guy who he was introduced to as Doctor Stephen Strange. His name really was Doctor Strange. Peter thought it was a terrible nickname but he was assured it was his family name and in no way was associated with his unusual demeanor, which couldn’t be classified as anything but strange. The metal armed guy was named Bucky – that was a nickname because he heard Natasha call him James a few times but everyone else seemed to call him Bucky. To clarify he asked Clint who confirmed. He asked Ava first, since she was right next to him, but she really didn’t know so he went to Clint. So these people were around two people named James yet neither of them were called by their given name.  
  
“How domestic!” Jen squealed walking into the kitchen clasping her hands together, her long green hair was tied into a bun and she was wearing a gray dress suit. “Cooking with frilly aprons?” Peter looked down grimacing; he actually forgot about that but before he could take it off he saw a flash then looked up at Jen grinning holding her phone. “Definitely a keeper.”  
  
“You’d better not post those photos on the Internet, Walters.”  
  
Jen snorted, “threaten all you want, Stark. These babies are for my personal pleasure.” She kissed her phone screen, “that may or may not be used as blackmail material in a later date. I mean Tony Stark in a _pink_ frilly apron? Can you picture that on a magazine cover? By the way Barton, never noticed before but you have a nice ass.” Clint, who was bent down picking something up, rose up a bit too quickly and banged his head against the table. “Sorry...”  
  
“Don’t joke around with Romanoff’s property, Jen.” Bucky said off-handedly.  
  
“His ass is her property?”  
  
Tony folds his arms over his chest shaking his head. “The whole body actually, but I’m pretty sure ‘ _property of Natasha Romanoff’_ is tattooed on his ass.”   
  
“So Clinton has been branded; like cattle?” Thor asks tilting his head to the left. “Interesting...”  
  
“No, it is not interesting. And I haven’t been _branded_! Are you guys really talking about my ass with me standing right here?”  
  
Tony put an arm around his shoulder. “Don’t get so bent out of shape, Barton. Your ass is one of your more redeeming qualities; the main thing one can claim ownership of.”  
  
“Seriously dude, you can bounce quarters off that thing.”  
  
Jen gasped, “are his suits not tight enough for me to notice? Damn you guys are lucky. I should have taken another picture...”  
  
“Wait, you can bounce quarters off an ass? Remarkable!” Everyone paused turning to Thor before glancing at Tony.  
  
“What? Ava’s the one that said it.” He sighed resigning himself to once again be the Midgardian to Asgardian translator. One of these days he was going to con someone else into doing it, “bouncing quarters off someone’s ass is merely an expression. I do not know if there is any truth to the statement. We can ask Natasha to test said statement if you’d like.”  
  
“Wait, with _my_ ass?” Natasha looked over her shoulder at her own ass. “It’s not as great as Clint’s though.”  
  
“No, well... I meant with Barton but if you want to test it on yourself by all means no one is stopping you.” Tony shrugged. “I certainly won’t try and stop you.” He glanced at Bucky who shrugged.  
  
Ava rose an eyebrow at Tony before turning to Natasha. “Yeah, you can do it here.”  
  
“No she can’t!” Carol yelled causing everyone to groan then stiffen. “What is wrong with you people? We prepare food here! Talk of asses and undressing is not proper kitchen decorum.” She sighed, “for goodness sake go to the living room to see if it’s true!”  
  
Needing no further instruction the gang shuffled into the kitchen carrying a confused Peter with them. “Uh, what just happened?”  
  
“I’m gonna let you in on a little secret, kid.” Ava said holding his left arm while Jen held his right, “rules number one and two in Avengers Tower: never piss off Carol and do not defile the kitchen. Of course rule two will create rule one so they go hand in hand.” Peter made a mental note of that. Carol had super strength, was incredibly persuasive and was particular about keeping the kitchen as non-defiled as possible. As they were in the living room all eyes were on Clint.  
  
“I am seriously not taking my pants off in front of you savages.”  
  
“Go on, ytёhoк.”  
  
“Fuck, I hate when you call me that, Nat.” Carol chuckled then cleared her throat when Clint glared at her.  
  
“Y-Yte... what did she say to him?”  
  
“She called him _duckling_ , Ava, in Russian.”  
  
“Ah! Because he’s already a bird?”  
  
“Not necessarily.”  
  
“He doesn’t have to—”  
  
“Don’t try that reverse psychology bullshit on me, Barnes.”  
  
“Clint, listen to me. Tony – the voice of reason.” Clint rolled his eyes, “we’re going to harass you until the end of time. And look at Thor, how could you deny him the opportunity to see if you really can bounce quarters off your ass?”  
  
“I’m not a sheet, _Stark_ , find another ass to test your theory on.”  
  
“You bounce quarters off sheets too?”  
  
“Yeah...” Tony patted Thor on the chest, “we’ll get to that later. It’s not nearly as interesting. We’d find someone else—”  
  
“Was that a pause for dramatic effect?” Bucky’s eyes widened as Tony turned to him. “No! Not _me_?!”  
  
“We need to find a suitable replacement, Mr. Barnes. In fact, it’s time for an all out inspection. I need my assistants...” He clapped his hands. “Ms. Danvers, Ms. Walters.” The two women walked over to Tony linking elbows with him smiling. “Let’s get this started.”  
  
“Uh... does that include me too?”  
  
“Naturally.”  
  
“Peter has a cute butt.” Jen giggled. Peter blushed as Carol merely nodded wordlessly. There was something about the look in the blonde’s eyes that unnerved Peter a bit.  
  
“We don’t need cute, Ms. Walters, we need Barton quality.”  
  
“I’m pretty sure it’s sexual harassment if you start slapping asses, Stark.” Tony glanced at Natasha who rolled her eyes. “We can’t have the paddle incident all over again.”  
  
“Did you become a mind reader in the last five seconds?” Natasha shrugged. Though Peter became curious about the “paddle incident” she said _paddle_ , right?  
  
“Why not just test the quarter bouncing theory since we are all here?”  
  
“Great idea Thor! I’ll need everyone’s consent so I don’t end up with a lawsuit. Granted most of you live here and probably cannot sue since I know what you own and it isn’t much for a counter sue.” Everyone grimaced. “Now who doesn’t live here? Ava despite all possible protests—” She sneered at him and got a kiss blown in her direction for her effort, “Peter, Jen – a fraction of the time, Sue, Doc and Mr. Grimm. Blah, blah, blah, do you – are you okay with Carol or Jen or possibly both bouncing quarters off your asses.”  
  
“Can we stay fully clothed?”  
  
“It defeats the purpose but yes, Susan, you may stay fully clothed if you desire.”  
  
“Sure.” Sue shrugged; Doctor Strange nodded _surprisingly_ , Ava grunted noncommittally and Peter – blushing slightly – nods timidly.  
  
“I don’t gotta do it right? I can tell you off the bat—”  
  
“You are exempt.” Ben sighed in much needed relief, “you can restrain Barton though.”  
  
“Can do.” Clint yelped as Ben grabbed him hoisting him over his shoulder.  
  
“I swear I get no respect in this damn tower!”  
  
Tony waved him off. “You’ll be alright.”  
  
“Okay...” Everyone turned to Bruce pinching the bridge of his nose as he leaned against the wall. “Is this another one of those paddling things—” Everyone but Jen, Carol, Tony, Clint, and Benjamin Grimm were leaning against the walls with their asses out. Clint was held over Ben’s shoulders yelling. Meanwhile, Jen had a deer caught in headlights look and Carol seemed rather expressionless flipping a coin in her hand.  
  
“Not at all!” Tony said walking over to him. “We’re holding truth to the statement of bouncing quarters off asses.” Bruce gaped at him. “Don’t worry. I got everyone’s consent beforehand.”  
  
“Not mine!”  
  
“Well not Clint’s but everyone else’s.”  
  
Bruce looked over the display once more in mild interest. _This_ was probably the thing Pepper warned him about before she left. She said if he let Tony wander unsupervised without any supervillain battles things would get ... _crazy_. The scene looked as though they were about to start making a pornographic film. Bruce only watched those types of movies from a purely scientific point of view, nothing sexual, even if he had a better— But that wasn’t important. An idle mind was the devil’s workshop and that statement reigned supreme for Tony Stark. Still, when Bruce wasn’t available it was Carol who reined in Tony’s insanity but she was involved in this mess. Steve would probably put an end to this being the giant mama bear of the Avengers (alongside Carol) but he was still at S.H.I.E.L.D. for whatever reason.  
  
Bruce went back to pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m probably going to regret asking this, but what brought this on?”  
  
“Ooh! That was all me Bruce-bear.” Bruce sighed at the nickname. Damn Jen. “I saw everyone in the kitchen with their cute frilled aprons...” Bruce nodded since they were still wearing the aforementioned aprons. “And one of my pictures caught Barton on the floor and I saw his marvelous quarter bouncing quality ass. I commented then Thor was all like – you can bounce quarters off asses – then we decided to test the theory.” Jen rocked back and forth on her heels grinning.  
  
“Do us a favor and double check your family tree to see how you two are related, Doc.”  
  
Bruce nods at Bucky. “Noted.” Jen pouts. “Am I to participate in this ass quarter bouncing contest as well?” Bruce tried not to notice how most of the people perked up at his question.  
  
“No, I already know what your ass is capable of.” Blushing, Bruce facepalms. Carol whistled and the perked up expressions perked up even more; if possible.  
  
“Ha! I _knew_ Tony and Bruce were bumping uglies!” Clint hollered still over Ben’s shoulder.  
  
“Shit.” Natasha growled.  
  
“Bumping uglies? Good God man, what are you _twelve_?” Ava shook her head, “oh shit! I lost the bet too!”  
  
Peter tilted his head; they bet on Johnny’s tracking device location so now they bet on who Tony was sleeping with? Why wasn’t he more surprised about that? “If I may inquire... what is this so called bet you speak of?”  
  
Ava turned to him frowning. “Oh right. New guy.” He didn’t have much of a comment for that. While he did work here for longer than most of these people had been around he was considered the new guy among them since yesterday was the first time he truly got to “hang around” with the Avengers. “Well since Tony and Brucey-bear.” Bruce grimaced shaking his head at Jen who shrugged somewhat innocently, “are science buddies – or science bros, whatever – Clint thought they were doing the horizontal mixture of equations.”  
  
“Very nice metaphor, Ayala.”  
  
Ava grinned. “Thank you kindly, Barton. _I_ thought since he and Rhodey are besties that _they_ were... I don’t have a metaphor for that but you know what I mean. Nat thought he was screwing around with Steve since they are like the mom and dad of the Avengers.”  
  
“And... I am still in this bet since I think there is still a possibility of him with all three of them.”  
  
Ava glared at Thor, “...what he said.”  
  
“Oh shit, Thor, _really_? I know Tony’s a flirt but...” Jen cracked her knuckles, “if you think I’ll let you have Bruce as a side piece you got another thing coming—” She growled. “Three guys Stark?! _Three guys_!? I don’t know whether to be pissed or jealous!”  
  
“Wait a sec...” Everyone turned to Peter who gulped. He didn’t know if he was overstepping his boundaries here but what the hell they hadn’t killed him yet. Plus his body was against the wall like a frisking on one of those cop shows so he had nothing to lose. “If there is a possibility of Tony with all three guys then all of you have the option of still winning the bet.” Ben turned around giving Clint the opportunity to gape at Peter incredulously.  
  
“Not true. We made it perfectly clear about what we meant, when we said who we said, we said it could only be one of them.” Peter tilts his head at that. “If he pretty much just outed himself saying he knows Bruce’s ass then they obviously did something intimate whether or not it’s sex doesn’t matter. Nat and I are out. Bucky...” The brunet in question avoided eye contact with everyone, “said Bruce _and_ Rhodey. Carol said Bruce and Steve, which means they’re still in it too.”  
  
Carol shrugged. “Luke’s also out because he said Steve and Rhodey.”  
  
“Of course if its proven that Tony is with either of them too Clint is out.”  
  
“Thanks for the heads up, Nat, didn’t peg you for a sore loser.” The redhead casually flipped him the bird, which had him laughing.  
  
“You guys don’t have much else to do then bet on a guy’s sex life?” When everyone shook their heads Peter sighed. Of course not. Apparently battle supervillains and stopping world ending crises were not high priorities for these people. _Nooooooo_ , their main priority lies in making bets about their friends!  
  
“Don’t worry your cute little butt, Petey. Tony’s not the only one....” Jen glanced at Natasha who rose an eyebrow. “Don’t look at me like that, you know what I’m talking about.”  
  
“Stark, don’t you have something to say?”  
  
“And end the guessing game, Ayala? I think not. It’s quite flattering seeing how much you guys invest your thoughts to me.” Tony clapped his hands startling everyone. “Now let’s not get distracted by the bet of who I am or am not banging and continue with our experiment.”  
  
“Why not be apart of the experiment yourself, Stark?”  
  
“Barton, my good man, I am always up to dropping my pants among a large crowd.”  
  
“No! Don’t do that here!” Bucky yelled shielding his eyes; Ava, Carol, Sue, Clint, and Natasha followed suit. Sue also turned invisible but the sleeves moving over what were assumed to be her eyes were enough proof.  
  
“I don’t know why you’re acting so prude. We shower together for crying out loud. And for the record, Barnes, my ass is a masterpiece; it should be carved out of the finest quality of marble!” Tony nodded to himself. “But if we’re all keeping our clothes on I’ll comply.”  
  
Bucky shuddered. He did not want to see Tony’s pants-less ass again in this or any other lifetime. “It’s not as good as Clint’s.” Natasha mumbled then frowned as everyone looked at her. It was the most her expression changed since Peter first saw her yesterday. “You were all thinking it.”  
  
“You know what? Fine! I’ll humor you.” Clint wiggled from Ben’s grip. “Bounce me, Nat.”  
  
“Why her?” Jen sounded almost offended.  
  
“Property of Natasha Romanoff, remember?” Natasha smirked catching the quarter Carol flicked over to her. “Lay down, Copil.”  
  
“Why is it that she only says sweet words in other languages? She is saying something sweet, right?” Ava tilted her head. “I feel like she is...”   
  
“Because she knows none of you will understand.” Bucky rolled his eyes, “действительно?” With a smirk, Natasha nods. “Of course.”  
  
“Hold on, _you_ understand her?” Bucky glances at Clint then shrugs. “Fucking...! Switch to a new language, Nat.”  
  
“Mais j’avais tellement de plaisir...”  
  
“I understood that.” Tony says smugly.  
  
“Me too! Wait—” Jen frowns, “nope. I know it was French though.” As Jen taps her chin Bruce sighs.  
  
Bucky shook his head. “Une seule langue à la fois, je ne crois pas qu’ils puissent maintenir.” Natasha’s eyes widen for a fraction before she smirks then nods.  
  
“Oh shit, he’s a male Natasha!” Ava says with a groan.  
  
“Less talking and more quarter bouncing if you people don’t mind. Our dinner is in the ovens.”  
  
Ava looked over Tony’s shoulder. “Is he supposed to be laying down?” Pretty soon everyone was hovering around Tony giving Natasha space as she was standing at Clint’s side while he was laying on the floor with his hands propped under his chin.  
  
“Ready?” He couldn’t see where she was talking from but he nods anyway.  
  
Natasha squats down with the quarter in hand then slammed the quarter down on Clint’s ass. Everyone leaned closer to see that it did in fact bounce pretty damn high before falling back on his ass.  
  
“It’ll only bounce once?” Jen said with a huff. “Well, it’s better than nothing.”  
  
“Alright, we can finish this experiment more after we eat. Let’s start setting the table.” Everyone, minus Peter, trudged back into the kitchen with a chorus of _yes dad._ Carol turned to Peter smiling. “You should probably wash up for dinner.” Great, now she sounded like Aunt May. “It’ll take a few more feast nights to let you in on the table setting. We don’t even let Ava set the table yet.” Peter leaned to the side so he could peer into the kitchen watching Ava sit on the counter passing plates and things to the people who kept coming in and out. “No hard feelings?”  
  
Damn this superhero family was hardcore. “No hard feelings at all. I’m still technically a guest, right?”  
  
Carol laughed, “oh no. You’re family! Tony already thinks of you as a little brother.” Peter blushed, “but... you’re pretty much like a newborn and it wouldn’t help with the table setting—”  
  
“Done in four minutes and eight seconds Ms. Mom— Danvers, sir. Ma’am. Captain. Dad.” Clint salutes then Carol nods as he walks off.  
  
“See? Got a good thing going here.” Peter whistled. He saw Ben leaning against the counter talking to Ava. Obviously, neither Ben nor Sue would be included in the family-esque table setting deal since neither of them made frequent visits (Sue told him yesterday was her first time in Stark Tower), but why was Doctor Strange helping out? Was he an Avenger too? If he wasn’t, was he a more frequent visitor? Or was it because he could make things float?  
  
“Oh you guys got cake!?”  
  
“Hold your horses, Parker.” Peter stilled – not that he could move anyway with Carol gripping him by the collar. “You didn’t wash up.” Her voice was downright _lethal_ and Peter nodded dumbly. Once he was released he hauled ass to the nearest bathroom then washed his hands and his face for good measure. He didn’t know whether it was some kind of power glitch or maybe his eyes were playing tricks on him but the room seemed to darken a bit as Carol spoke to him. Suddenly rule one made a lot of sense.  
  
++  
  
Taskmaster noticed two things immediately when he entered Deadpool’s apartment via the key he took from his unruly apprentice. First and foremost was it was empty. Deadpool was loud and Jess, if possible, was even louder but thankfully nowhere near as annoying. A loud, unruly, _annoying_ apprentice was a fate worse than death; but a loud and unruly one he could handle. They usually greeted him with their voices and occasionally their mask-less faces; sometimes their masked faces. Secondly, the apartment was clean. Empty _and_ clean meant they had somewhere to go and spent a lot of time trying to figure it out why/how, which resulted in a clean apartment. Shiklah couldn’t pay him all the money in the nine realms and expect it to be enough to tame Wade. While she was off in another dimension or wherever a demon princess monster goddess or whatever the fuck she was usually goes to blow off steam. With Wade as a husband Taskmaster figured that had to be quite often. She heard about him through Wade and figured he’d be the “best person” to keep an eye on him. He _tried_ to tell her – correct her on a few things but she turned into some kind of freaky human eating sized monster and Taskmaster had absolutely _no_ intention of becoming her dinner so he reluctantly agreed. Plus, she was paying him a hell of a lot and even if Deadpool got into trouble he couldn’t die from it so it was no real problem. Jess, on the other hand, was not immortal but Deadpool grew somewhat (over)protective of her after finding out her secret identity and, strangely enough, vice versa. Jess actually killed a dude who tried to get Deadpool, but, in hindsight, that was before she found out he couldn’t die.  
  
She wasn’t as enthusiastic about her training though. With a sigh, Taskmaster thought of plopping down on one of the couches but he remembered Wade had this annoying habit of sticking weapons in places weapons were not meant to be stuck in. Taskmaster, too, was not immortal and the last time he sat on one of Wade’s shitty excuses for furniture he got a sword wedged in his arm. Who the hell booby trapped furniture anyway? As some sort of act of payback, he threw the sword at Wade and it cut the guy’s arm off so he felt a little better. Wade running around screaming trailing blood on the carpet made for good entertainment.  
  
On the clean side table was a note with Jess’ neat handwriting. _‘Tasky~ we’re off to see the wizard! Wade told me to put that.’_ Underneath Jess’ handwriting was Wade’s. _‘Actually, we’re off doing something you said we probably shouldn’t do. Jess told me to put that.’  
  
_ Fuck, they were idiots. If Spider-Woman didn’t have so much potential he would’ve just left her at the Hydra base with the other half-wits, but _no_ he had to give a fraction of a fuck and take her with him training her personally. It took an insurmountable decrease in his wages to take her in but she was able to pay back as much as he spent with her spy skills. Plus she had a bit of rebellious charm that he couldn’t possibly ignore even if it was a pain in the ass on the battlefield. Of course he couldn’t fully remember what exactly led to him taking her in but that didn’t matter.  
  
What _mattered_ was him finding out where these idiots went off to. If Jess thought she got off easy with hours of basic grunt training she had another thing coming.  
  
++  
  
If possible, the eating area only seemed bigger than it did yesterday. Instead of the cafeteria styled eating assortment, there was one huge ass table composed of all the smaller tables put together plus that monster table that had all the food. Only the huge put together assortment of tables had food on it and the plates were set like a good old traditional family dinner. There seemed to be more food than yesterday too.  
  
“Friends!” Thor began putting his cup in the air, “no need for speeches or pleasantries this time around. Let. Us. _Eat_!” Everyone cheered then took their seats. Peter didn’t know if there was an order or if they just sat down at places randomly.  
  
Peter’s spider senses went off but he managed not to react as he felt a hand on his shoulder. Natasha’s hand. Natasha – Black Widow – who was watching Spider-Man’s “fight” (if you could call it that) yesterday. “You can sit wherever you’d like. A little word of advice, though?” Peter nodded. “Don’t get in the way of Bruce and food.”  
  
Peter couldn’t help but ask. “Is that rule number three?”  
  
“Oh? You know about the rules then?”  
  
“Not exactly. Ava told me one was not to piss off Carol then two was not to defile the kitchen.”  
  
Natasha nodded. “Then I’ll tell you three and four: three – the food is first come first serve. We don’t hold places or take requests to hold anything, sorry.” She might have _said_ sorry but she didn’t sound very apologetic, if anything her voice took on a more humorous tone. “And four would be not to get in the way of Bruce and eating – hell, just Bruce with food in general. Trust me, it’s for your own good. Now you may want to take a seat next to something you want to try before it’s gone.”  
  
“Thanks, Natasha.”  
  
“Don’t mention it.”  
  
Peter nods walking off. He saw the cake and immediately took a seat in front of it mindful of the fact that he was drooling a bit. “Hey...” He glanced at the person to his right and did a mental cheer to see it was Doctor Strange. Why? Because he barely spoke to the guy and he was intent on being at the very least cordial with these people. Most of them _were_ people, right? “Doc, is there some kind of rule about eating dessert first?” Peter really hoped there wasn’t. That cake was begging to be cut into then devoured by no one but the brunet. Common decency be damned, he was getting some of that cake!  
  
“Rule you say?” The good doctor glanced to his right then back to his left at Peter. “No. Carol says it’s alright but Steven would disagree. They have very different parenting styles.”  
  
“I’m sorry, _parenting?_ ” He heard that correctly, didn’t he?  
  
“You were not informed? The Avengers have three parental figures. Tony Stark and Carol Danvers are like the fathers of the Avengers while Steven Rogers is the mother.” So if Tony was like the dad [one of them] why was there no bet on him bedding Carol if she a parent too? Wait, why on Earth (or _wherever_ ) was Steve a mother and Carol a father?! Shouldn’t be the other way around? Was it something he should really be thinking about?  
  
Peter didn’t have the good fortune of meeting the only Avenger he actually heard of safe from Iron Man (and he met the guy before he actually _became_ an Avenger too) but time to digress.  
  
Captain Freaking America – a man among men, the living legend, the super soldier, possibly the coolest guy in the history of the world – Steven Grant Rogers. Peter had all the Cap memorabilia growing up: the trading cards, action figures, shield replica, the Halloween costume, plastic plates, bubble bath, you name it (he still collected some to this day but that was irrelevant). According to Tony (who seemed just as saddened by the news as Peter), Steve didn’t live in the tower because his best friend was skeptical about the whole thing. Peter didn’t know who that person was but they had better get their act together soon. Every second that guy or girl was not living here meant another second Peter wasn’t sharing a meal with a national frigging icon!  
  
Either Peter had awful timing or Cap had something akin to spidey senses (or super avoiding Peter senses) because evidently the man was always around _but_ never when Peter was here. Like in the case of right now. Peter was here but no Captain America. He was told Captain America was here two days ago but lo and behold Peter was off. Did he need to put a Captain America tracker somewhere? No, that would make him seem like a stalker. He just had to play it cool and wait (begrudgingly patient) for his opportunity to meet then subsequently get an autograph from Captain America. Maybe if he waited long enough the big guy would let him use his shield!  
  
Peter was so giddy wrapped up in his thoughts that he almost didn’t realize the cake that sat in front of him was about half the size that it was a few seconds ago. Doctor Strange was on his right dabbing his face with a napkin and the seat on Peter’s left was empty. A few seats down he saw Clint getting food thrown into his mouth by that Bucky guy who was next to him, well an empty seat was in between them. Natasha was in across the table (in front of the empty seat between Bucky and Clint) expertly throwing food into both of their mouths. How they did that he’d never know.  
  
Peter shook his head. He’d get distracted _after_ he got some cake. The brunet managed to get a good sized piece on his plate and he barely got the chance to blink before the rest of the cake vanished. Rule three ladies and gentlemen. You wouldn’t know they had a meal slightly smaller the night before with the way these guys ate!  
  
Ava was in front of him grinning. “Barton, Pete here’s got an empty plate.”  
  
Clint leaned forward in his seat but Carol sent him a look that made him lean back. This table was _long_ Peter didn’t know how they managed to see one another with all the food and other people in the way. Carol was at the end of the table and Clint was somewhere in the middle!  
  
“I really shouldn’t be doing this but it’s a good thing you sat next to me.” Peter looked up at the doctor who had a random assortment of food starting to float including something on someone— _Bucky’s—_ fork. The doctor then had the food come together and neatly organize themselves onto Peter’s plate.  
  
“You’re amazing!”  
  
“Yes, I know. Not exactly the best use of magic, however someone as small as yourself should not be denied basic sustenance.” What was wrong with these people?! So what if he wasn’t six feet _yet_ , he wasn’t small! Doctor Strange glanced to the right again, presumably at Carol, before turning to Peter nodding. “I got a fraction of everything. All your dietary needs. It is a bit of a rule here.”  
  
“Thanks Doc.” Peter did a double take; _another rule!?  
  
_ “It was my pleasure surprisingly.”  
  
“Um...” Peter twiddled his thumbs, “about that rule? Mind explaining it a bit better?”  
  
“Of course. How many rules do you know?”  
  
“I was told four: one and two by Ava, three and four by Natasha. How many rules are there?”  
  
“I’ll admit I am not even certain myself but if you were told rule three then this is a bit of a sub-clause.” Peter nodded. “Food is on a first come first serve basis but, according to dad over there...” He jerked his head in Carol’s direction, “we need our basic dietary needs met in every meal. So while you are entitled to get what you can you also have to get a bit of everything, at least the healthy stuff... or whatever is left of it. Certain things we are required to eat or new things we are all supposed to try get passed out as opposed to being left on the table.”  
  
Ah. Rule three sub-clause. Interesting. Superheroes probably did have a higher metabolism than non-superheroes. Peter recalled a lot of nights after superhero-ing that he was just famished and raided his fridge with absolutely no compassion whatsoever.  
  
Peter glanced down to his left and saw the end seat was empty. Maybe Steve sat there? His brain whimpered slightly at the thought. Tony was in the seat next to the empty end seat though and how a roll flew across the table and landed in his mouth was... _odd_. To make matters all the more _odder_ a roll landed on Peter’s plate.  
  
Before he got the opportunity to question what the hell just happened in the span of three seconds. Clint and Bucky were standing in their chairs flinging rolls across the damn table either in people’s open mouths or on their plates. Surprisingly, Carol seemed fine with this; Bucky managed to land a roll in her mouth.  
  
“Is this normal?” Probably the whole passed out food part the doctor just told him about? But he didn’t think it was _literal_.  
  
Doctor Strange was dabbing his face with another napkin. “Tuesday night roll flight? But of course.” Oh great, they even _named it_. Peter started eating before anymore craziness could ensue. He didn’t know what was on his plate but everything was delicious! He was pretty sure he was moaning out loud judging by the looks Ava kept giving him across the table but he couldn’t help himself. _Or_ bring himself to care.  
  
“Hey!” Peter looked up not knowing when Natasha moved from her seat but she was holding a tray approaching the table. “Everyone gets **one**. Understand?”  
  
“Nat, pivot your body a bit to the right.”  
  
She nodded at Bucky before complying. Peter’s eyes widened as she flung the tray in the air and whatever was in it managed to fall out and land _perfectly_ on every single plate. Everyone clapped and cheered. This was, by far, the strangest dinner he had ever been invited to. Yesterday’s feast was a bit formal but this seemed more like a common occurrence.  
  
“I am eating with you guys every night!” Jen said seated next to Carol on the right.  
  
Peter looked down trying to decipher what was in front of him. It looked like an éclair but there was no chocolate or anything on it. Well whatever it was the scent wafting from it was nothing short of heavenly. Peter glanced around and no one seemed to be eating yet. It was disturbing considering the lack of remorse these people had for food. Was it poisonous? Was it even _edible_?  
  
“Alright.” Janet came flying in. Like _literally_ flying with another tray. “Ladies and gentlemen, hope you saved room for some Asgardian burritos!” As everyone cheered Carol cleared her throat silencing everyone. “ _Dessert style!_ ” Peter looked around again and saw that everyone’s mouths were open then Janet nodded. “That’s right! You did not mishear me!” She held the tray down giving everyone a small opportunity to look at the contents of her tray. “Prepare to have the door to your taste buds blown wide open!” She flew over to Peter placing one on his tray next to the éclair type thing. It was then when he realized she was less than a foot tall carrying a tray more than three times her size. He thought she simply looked small because she was far away! “I’ll get you a regular one later.” She says with a wink before flying off.  
  
Janet was placing a burrito on Natasha’s plate when an alarm started blaring overhead. Everyone looked up their expressions ranging from confused to just plain angry. “An emergency? During dinner? Now that is just rude!”  
  
“I’m sure the bad guys didn’t know they were interrupting dinner time, Thor.” Clint whipped out one of his arrows from the quiver on his chair back. The arrow projected a screen of a scowling dark-haired woman. “Talk to us, Hill.” Peter half-expected Carol to say something about weapons at the table, he didn’t see any close by. Thor’s giant hammer – the thing he kept on his person at all times – was a good distance from the table. Instead, Carol simply sat there with her arms folded over the table glaring slightly. Not glaring at anyone in particular but just glaring. Also, Clint just had the quiver behind him the bow was beside Thor’s hammer so perhaps they were simply used as communication to whoever this Hill lady was.  
  
 _“Are...”_ She looked around, _“let me guess, Tuesday night roll flight?”  
  
_ “You missed that. We’re trying new dessert burritos so this better be a damn near catastrophic call.”  
  
 _“New dessert...”_ She shook her head. _“Remember Spider-Woman, from yesterday’s newscast?_ ” Everyone grunts noncommittally. _“Either she was stood up by her counterpart or she’s back for a rematch. She’s not alone this time, she brought a friend: Deadpool. They’re taking down S.H.I.E.L.D. agents like no one’s business. But surprisingly, given Deadpool’s track record, they haven’t killed anyone. There haven’t even been any real injuries other than guards being found unconscious.”  
  
_ “Is this really something that requires _all_ the Avengers?” Tony asks with a sigh. “I mean it’s Deadpool for crying out loud. He’s... he’s... what’s the word?” Tony looks around the table for answers.  
  
“Obnoxious?” Natasha mutters.  
  
“Loud, yes?” Thor replies.  
  
“Unkillable? That’s a word, right?” Jen tilts her head, “I think that’s a word.”  
  
“Dangerous?” Bruce says frowning.  
  
“ _Super_ annoying?” Ava says with a groan.  
  
“Reckless?” Replied Bucky leaning back in his seat.  
  
“Inconsistent?” Janet yells floating by.  
  
“Someone said loud, right?” Clint asks then was met with a nod. “How about neutral?”  
  
“How about all of the above and then some?”  
  
Hill rolled her eyes. _“None of that matters now. Assemble the Avengers, Stark.”  
  
_ “Yeah... see, I _would—_ I truly would —however this isn’t a full-fledged all the Avengers sort of thing. Who wants to go?”  
  
 _“You’re seriously asking for volunteers?!”  
  
_ “You’re right, I won’t get any so I’ll assign eight Avengers for you which should be more than enough, Director Hill; second-in-command sort of thing. Barton, you two get along somewhat. You’re in.” Clint groans dropping his head on the table keeping his left hand holding the arrow up. “With Clint comes his sniper buddy and buddy-buddy. Who else? Ava, Janet, Jen and Doc. That—was seven. Carol too.” The blonde gasps. “That is my team. And I promise we won’t finish eating until you guys get back.” Everyone not called groaned. “Nat, you’re in command.” The woman nods before her face went off the screen.  
  
The redhead nods at Tony before pushing her chair back. The others begrudgingly followed suit. “Let’s suit up.”  
  
As the eight of them walked off (seven really since Janet was still flying), Peter frowned. Spider-Woman worked for Taskmaster and now she was with Deadpool? Did this lady have a poor judge of character or what? Still, if she wanted a rematch Spider-Man would have to make an appearance but how exactly was Peter supposed to make himself scarce? And around the Avengers, only to bump into _more_ Avengers?  
  
“So... now that meal time got postponed anyone up for a movie?” Tony looked up as he leaned his chair back staring at Thor. “Yes?”  
  
“I volunteer to join the team.”  
  
Tony tilted his head, “excuse me?”  
  
“Deadpool will feel the wrath of Mjolnir for interrupting the Avengers meal time! The woman of spiders too.”  
  
“Whoa! Settle down, big guy.” Tony turned his chair around to face Thor. “You’re free to beat them to a pulp if that’s your heart’s desire. Any objections?” Everyone looked around at one another before turning back to Tony. “I’ll take that as a no.” Thor nodded then walked off. “Okay, about that movie?”  
  
++  
  
Spider-Woman rounded the corner panting. S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were firing at her, she was pretty sure she could take a couple of bullets in the arms or maybe the legs but she wasn’t about to test said theory at the moment. Or get a shot to the head in the process. She couldn’t take one of those, no sir. She and Deadpool were committing petty little “criminal” like acts for over two hours and Spider-Man had yet to show. They hung around all the Spider-Man related popular hot spots (according to Deadpool) and he was nowhere to be found. It was just rude! It shouldn’t take this much to get a little attention!  
  
She growled looking up. “Wade is a dead man...”  
  
“He isn’t the only one.” Spider-Woman yelped as Taskmaster hopped down from who knows where and crouched on the dumpster in front of her. Though he was wearing a mask she was pretty sure he was glaring. Like the kind of glare that can set you on fire or cause puppies to explode. Great, now she was thinking like Deadpool. “How many times have I told you listening to Wade is a bad idea?” Wait, was he reading her mind now? Oh right, she had to answer the question.  
  
“Um, approximately thirty-seven times boss.” Taskmaster sighed. “Oh... that was rhetorical.” With her super sensitive hearing Spider-Woman heard the sound of a plane, or a jet, something high and fast above. “I think S.H.I.E.L.D. sent for reinforcements. Think they’ll let me off easy?”  
  
“Not a chance in hell.”  
  
“Right. I suppose I’ll have to work for getting out early with good behavior.”  
  
“You won’t get caught.”  
  
“ _If..._?”  
  
“ _If_ you actually listen to me for once!” Spider-Woman shrank back. “Shit... you are so insufferable.”  
  
“Tasky! You came.” Taskmaster sighed spotting Deadpool hop down beside Spider-Woman. “Look at us, the trio of neutrality~”  
  
“I told you we are not calling ourselves that. Hell, we aren’t even a team.”  
  
“We are if you want us getting out of here and not in prison.”  
  
“Or worse.” Spider-Woman added then shut up when Taskmaster looked down at her. “I think I’m going to shut up now.”  
  
“Good plan. I don’t suppose you two idiots were trying to find Spider-Man, were you?” They glanced at one another before nodding. “This is your idea of a rematch then? It’s worse than the broadcast yesterday.”  
  
Spider-Woman grimaced. He chewed her out about that yesterday too. In all honesty that lecture was a thousand times worse than any grunt training, but not as bad as the you’re out of your league lecture that soon followed. Before anyone could say anything else a rumble of thunder was heard.  
  
The three of them looked up at the darkening sky. “Spider-Man didn’t suddenly get the ability to control weather, did he?” Deadpool and Taskmaster shake their heads slowly.  
  
“Congratulations, Jess, now you got the Avengers on you.” Spider-Woman gaped at him then at Deadpool who was pointing up.  
  
“The sudden change in the sky could only be Thor.” As if one cue a bolt of lightning crashed down. _[Ouch, Jess is so fucked... and not in a good way!]  
  
_ They both looked down at Spider-Woman who gulped. “There is no ...easy way getting out of this.” He turned to Deadpool. “See how many of them are there.”  
  
“And put _my_ ass out there to get electrocuted? Wait! When did you—”  
  
Deadpool yelped as Taskmaster grabbed the front of his costume bringing him closer. “So help me Wade if I get killed by one of the Avengers—”  
  
“Alright! Alright! No threats!” _{But its unlikely he can actually do something if he’s dead.} [Still, Tasky is a friend (despite what he says) and we can’t possibly afford to lose any friends.] {Because we do not have a bunch to spare! And even if we did friends like the baron of fun sucking don’t come around that often.} [Besides, if we do get him killed he’ll probably find some way to get resurrected then endlessly torment us!]_ Yeah, the boxes made their point. And a life without Taskmaster’s nagging and rare acts of kindness was not a life Deadpool wanted to take part in. _{I believe he is what the manga term describes as a ‘tsundere.’}  
  
_ Taskmaster reluctantly released him and all the while grumbling, Deadpool climbed the fire escape of the building then scouted the area. He saw Thor in all his hammer-wielding, lightning bringing glory. Then there was the BAMF _[Acronym for_ _b_ _ad_ _a_ _ss_ _m_ _other_ _f_ _ucker ladies and gents; though mother-fucker might be considered one word by most people.]_ known as Black Widow. _{We forgot her real name because she kept telling us a new one every time we came in contact.}_ Followed by Ms. Freaking Captain Marvel herself _[Swoon!]._ The wonderful green She-Hulk _[Who kicks our ass every opportunity she gets!]. {And I’m thinking this time will be no different.}_ Lastly, was the “Sorcerer Supreme” Doctor Stephen Strange. _[Wait, his first name is Stephen?!!] {Was that written earlier?}_ A small team of powerful fuckers with the sole intent on bringing him down. Sure, he couldn’t die, but he could still feel pain and those five would undoubtedly bring the pain. _{Particularly Black Widow.} [No dude, particularly She-Hulk.] {Meh. I’d call it a tie.}  
  
_ Apparently, Taskmaster had enough with all the waiting because he was on the roof too with Jessica. “I see... so, the chances of us getting out of here unscathed and out of jail have been decreased to less than five percent.”  
  
Spider-Woman frowned. “I hear something coming...” They barely had time to react before an arrow of all things came out of nowhere pinning Spider-Woman to a door. “What the—!? That moved faster than my reflexes.”  
  
“Barton, my good man! You’re here too!” _[Our poker buddy is here!] {But he’s with the Avengers which means he’ll probably put a hurting on us.}  
  
_ Deadpool waved as Clint came sliding down a telephone line thing landing in front of them. “Hey Wade. Tasky.” Taskmaster folded his arms over his chest grunting. Why people thought they could call him that was beyond him. It had to be fucking Deadpool’s fault. He was Taskmaster for crying out loud! An international, intergalactic “super villain” more like a neutral villain – just a neutral guy occasionally more on the side of villainy than heroism – but nevertheless he should not be saddled with nicknames by the damn Avengers! And if he did get that unfortunate opportunity it should have been something cool! “Listen, I don’t want any trouble and I know ‘superheroes’ get fed that line all the time before they get blasted. I’m gonna level with you guys, the team’s down there attending to the agents you guys knocked out. Me, Jan, Buck and Ava –you remember her right?—” Deadpool nodded. Ava the White Tiger was terrifying. She spoke almost as fast as she moved. “—Took the roofs to scout. But I’m getting off topic. I’m actually— _we’re_ actually in the middle of eating so if we could reschedule this maybe tomorrow or even in like a few hours? That’ll be great.”  
  
“And we won’t go to jail?”  
  
“Now? No. If we catch you later? Possibly.” Clint shrugged. “I certainly won’t put you guys away though.”  
  
Deadpool jerked his thumb behind him, “you shot Spider-Woman.”  
  
“Yeah, don’t really know her so I wasn’t sure if she’d be up to listening.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand while the other hand was clutching his freshly used bow.  
  
 _[Gotta respect the man’s logic.]_ Deadpool nodded in agreement. He too was a fan of the shoot first ask questions later method. And Jess could take an arrow, or two. _{Besides, if Legolas was shooting to kill or even injure this would be a very different situation.}  
  
_ “You said this would be over in five minutes!” Janet growled returning to her normal size with her hands on her hips. “Wade, Tony—” Taskmaster growled and she eeped before standing behind Clint. “Let’s act like civilized individuals, okay?” She said tip-toeing from behind Clint and when she was barely visible due to their height difference she moved in front of him. “Thor’s pissed because you interrupted our meal time. He said you’d face the wrath of Mjolnir for it!”  
  
“You guys have meals together?” Janet nodded. _[That’s so cool! I wanna be an Avenger, like_ _ **now**_ _!!]  
  
_ “If we promise to bring you guys back something, will you not commit any crimes in like the next few days?”  
  
“Done!”  
  
“No!” Deadpool and Taskmaster glared at one another. “You’re serious right now, Wade?”  
  
“Duh! Three of us against... uh, I lost count of how many Avengers are here. Besides, Jan’s like the most peppy, honest to goodness, infectiously happy soul all the nine realms and that was a direct quote from Thor himself!” _{The parts we could understand anyway.}_ “Besides, pissing off an Asgardian? _A hungry Asgardian?!_ Yeah, I’d rather not get electrocuted if it’s all the same to you. What kind of food and how many days are we talking?”  
  
“Let’s see, the rest of the week and whatever food Thor decides to cook.”  
  
“Thor cooks?!” Deadpool and Taskmaster blurted out unable to hide their surprise if they tried.  
  
Janet grinned. “I’m talking serious mouthgasm food cooking.” She glances at Clint who nods. “He even makes Asgardian _burritos..._ ” Deadpool stood there frozen. It was no secret amongst the super- _creatures(?)_ society that Deadpool had an affinity for Mexican food and burritos were among his favorite things. Taskmaster might be harder to convince since Janet knew nothing about his eating habits; or anything about him in general other than his name. “There’s also all the beer you can drink.”  
  
“Hey!” Spider-Woman growled.  
  
Frowning, Janet shrank then flew over to her. “ _This_ is Spider-Woman?” She looked over her shoulder at Taskmaster who nodded before turning back to Spider-Woman. “You could have some too, of course.”  
  
“And what are you supposed to be?”  
  
“Me? Just your friendly neighborhood _ticket out of jail_.” Spider-Woman gulped nodding. “We’d take you back to Stark Tower now but S.H.I.E.L.D. kinda wants you guys imprisoned so we can’t do that.”  
  
“Still in the same apartment, Wade?” Deadpool nodded, “then we’ll drop the stuff off there. Remember to stay out of trouble.” Clint walked over to the wall where Spider-Woman was against non too gently pulling the arrow out of her shoulder. “I’m assuming you have healing powers?” Scowling, she nodded, “that’ll heal in a few hours. You are definitely prettier up close by the way.” She blushed but he already turned around. “Let’s fly, Jan.” Spider-Woman gaped as the small fly lady picked the guy up. “Remember, if you guys renege we’re gonna have to take you out. We’ll see you in about two hours.” Then they flew off.  
  
“That’s it?! What about Spider-Man?”  
  
“Pick your battles, Jess.” Spider-Woman sighed. “Good thing I have friends in high places.” _[That was totally a pun!]_ “Anyway, let’s go. I’m waiting for my Asgardian burritos.”  
  
“I can’t believe you came out here to deal with Spider-Man then get swayed by food from another world! Actually...” Taskmaster shook his head, “I _can_ believe you did something like that. It would defy all Deadpool logic if you didn’t do something so stupid.”  
  
Deadpool pats Taskmaster on the back with a nod. _{He knows us so well!} [He even said we have our own logic! Tasky get twenty extra cool points for that.]  
  
_ “Spider-Man didn’t show anyway and I kinda wanna try some burritos too.” Spider-Woman shrugged.  
  
++  
  
Peter thought of at least eleven different exit strategies safe from burning the building down, but before he got the opportunity to use any the gang came back far more cheerful from when they left. And they were downright morose when they left the tower. The remaining Avengers moved to the in-home/in-tower theater and were watching a Disney movie of all things. These people really blew every expectation out the window. It was probably for the best though, after all they were just regular people who came together to stop multiple threats and whatnot. Tony said it was normal after a long day of supervillainy (or just whenever) to just relax and sing along to classic Disney songs. And he told him if anyone started humming or singing along with anything that happened on screen to simply ignore them. So when the muses started the first song in Hercules and almost everyone was humming along.  
  
“I take it you guys beat up Deadpool pretty well?” Sam asks before stuffing his face with popcorn.  
  
“Nay.” Thor said sounding slightly sulky, “Clinton and Janet were able to talk him out of doing further damage, which was minimal to start with.”  
  
“Talk? Seriously?!”  
  
“Settle Pym, it wasn’t any sort of inner pacifist thing. I was too damn hungry to deal with them. Besides, what did they do besides knock a few S.H.I.E.L.D. guys out with some smoke bombs or whatever? No theft, no arson, no murder, a bit of graffiting but that’s not really a crime.” Clint locked his hands behind his head.  
  
“And graffiting, is not a word.” Carol said before sitting on the couch’s armrest.  
  
Tony paused the film much to the dismay of his team. “The movie just started so we could always move the food here?”  
  
“ _Or..._ we could move the movie to the kitchen?” Everyone seemed to agree with whoever just said that before slowly getting up and stretching before getting into the elevator. Tony popped the DVD out of the DVD player. Peter thought he would have a blu-ray player or something but whatever.  
  
They got in the elevator and rode like fifty floors down (it was only about three but it still seemed like fifty) then they got back into the kitchen— only this was not the same kitchen from earlier. Inside this particular kitchen was the biggest television entertainment center Peter laid eyes upon. All the food from earlier was here too, except it was in trays in front of the couches. It was like the kitchen doubled as a theatre but why have them on two separate floors?  
  
Carol had the remote in her hands as she floated in front of the television, “anyone know the exact minute where Tony took the movie off?”  
  
“It was right after Herc destroyed that coliseum thing and the townspeople yelled and stuff. He was talking to his parents and they gave him that necklace thing during the time they found him.” Everyone stared at Natasha who shrugged. “I pay great attention to detail.” Carol nodded slowly then put the DVD into the DVD player.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: With the editing comes better translating!   
> Copil, from Romanian to English, means Baby.   
> Действительно, translated from Russian to English, means Really.  
> Une seule langue à la fois, je ne crois pas qu’ils puissent maintenir translates from French to English as: One language at a time, I don’t think they can keep up.   
> Also from French to English: Mais j’avais tellement de plaisir means But I was having so much fun.


	3. Boom goes the Hulk?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not knowing low long it’ll last the Avengers make the most of their disaster-free break by engaging in what they call "team-bonding exercises."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N time: In the cartoon – Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, Clint quit S.H.I.E.L.D. (pretty early in the series) and became a full-time Avenger. Natasha did not (she actually wasn’t an Avenger in that cartoon at all if I remember correctly) – I mention, occasionally, how Clint is a former/ex agent, so I’m just putting it out there.

Spider-Man was in full swing; pun very much unintended. The weekend approached and Spider-Man realized he kinda went through a no supervillain week for the second time in the span of five years – this supervillain break excluded the whole thing with Spider-Woman on Monday since she really wasn’t villainous. All he dealt with were regular villains like bank robbers or purse snatchers. Which meant he was free to be Peter Parker and relax at Stark Tower but he still had nightly Spider-Man patrols except for Tuesday when he was too damn tired afterwards to do any patrolling. Besides, the Fantastic Four (Johnny specifically) told him nothing was going on that day when he saw them on Wednesday.  
  
Tuesday night right after the movie ended Clint and Janet took off with giant backpacks and didn’t return by the time Peter left. They watched another two movies in that time frame, meaning it had to be close to four hours. He was off Wednesday and spent most of his night on patrol catching a purse snatcher and two would be robbers who managed to foil themselves with very little assistance on his end.  
  
When meal time approached on Thursday the tower was close to deserted. Tony was held up in his lab for most of the afternoon with Bruce, Doctor Strange, Hank and Reed Richards talking about Pepper maiming him before her delayed return. A handful of individuals: Luke, Clint, Natasha, Ava, Johnny (who invited himself over... presumably with Reed), Sam and Janet had a meal similar to Tuesday’s style, without any new or mysterious foods to try or flying rolls, that escalated to a small food fight until Carol came out of nowhere blasting everyone with some kind of beam from her hands forcing everyone to clean up their mess.  
  
Spider-Man webbed his way through the streets of Manhattan and since this was his turf no one would think anything of it – they certainly wouldn’t think he was just trying to get to Stark Tower quicker. Friday was another class-less day for Peter so he’d do a bit of early morning patrolling before heading to work at Stark Tower by noon. Since he was a college student with irregular school hours Tony didn’t give him a definite work schedule simply telling him to stop by whenever he got the chance.  
  
Speaking of which, he had to find a place to divest of his suit so he could enter the tower as Peter and  _not_ Spider-Man. As he swung by there was an ad about something called the strategic homeland intervention, enforcement and logistics division. He stopped swinging then turned upside down looking at the ad in mid air that was almost immediately replaced by JJ shouting things about Spider-Man and Spider-Woman calling them  _spider twins_ and equal menaces in his book.  
  
“Strategic... home—” He facepalmed. “its acronym is shield!”  _That_ was the thing everyone kept mentioning over the past week!  
  
As his spider sense started tingling he craned his head toward the alley seeing two guys dart out of there. With a sigh, he extended his hand shooting a web at their feet causing them to fall on the ground dropping the contents in their hand. Two cops soon came out of the alley then paused before looking up at Spider-Man waving.  
  
“Hey Spidey, can I have an autograph? I know most of the boys in the prescient ain’t too keen on ya but they’ll come around.” The cop on the left asked while the other cop put handcuffs on the two guys on the floor. Spider-Man signed the notepad (or whatever was being held up to him) still upside down. “Thanks man. My kid’s gonna appreciate this. Oh, my partner’s heading out. Thanks again, Spidey!” The cop waved before trudging off and Spider-Man waved back.  
  
_Then_ his spider senses went off again. He wasn’t going to make it to work any time soon. Sighing, he got himself right side up seeing a blue blur fly by about twice before getting blasted right out of the freaking sky. Stupid spidey sense reacting to the little things! Spider-Man groaned opening his eyes slightly, the roof felt a lot ... _softer_ than usual – and he landed on a lot of roofs over the past few years – then he realized he wasn’t on a roof because roofs did not move. Whatever he was in or on didn’t have a solid foundation because he felt himself slipping slightly.  
  
“Hey, you alright?” A hooded?,  _helmeted_ ?, weirdly suited? — Some guy was hovering over him in the weirdest head piece he’d seen in a while. The guy’s mouth was visible and it was set in a frown. “Way to go Nova, you killed a superhero... possibly.” He groaned.  
  
“What’s a nova?” Spider-Man grit out then gasped as he was let go briefly before caught again.  
  
“Sorry! Sorry. Didn’t expect... you don’t know about the Nova Corps?” Spider-Man shook his head, “man are you behind. Anyway, name’s Nova – kind of a big deal here; not  _here_ here since I haven’t been in New York all that long – like not even a fully day – actually never been to New York at all until just now but I’m a big deal nonetheless.” He grinned, it was then that Spider-Man realized this guy was hovering with him in the air.  
  
“Spider-Man.” He replied shifting.  
  
“Yeah, I can see that with the spider on your chest. Makes sense.” Spider-Man merely stared at him. “Want me to put you down?”  
  
“If you don’t mind.”  
  
They landed on a roof and Nova carefully set him on his feet. “Need a lift anywhere? Saw you got the web thing down but...” He shrugged, “least I could do for bumping into you. Which was a complete accident by the way. Trying to get used to this stuff...”  
  
Spider-Man took a look at this guy’s getup confirming him as the blue blur that blasted him in the middle of Times Square. He was tempted to take the offer but he couldn’t be seen around Stark Tower as Spider-Man and expect not to get jumped by the Avengers. That was an interesting change of pace because he often had to worry about being jumped as Peter Parker in certain locations. It was never the other way around. “I’m good.”  
  
“You sure?” Nova came a  _bit_ closer at that, still floating though, but the kid (thankfully) was definitely shorter than he was. “I got this thing...” Spider-Man gaped at the card in Nova’s hand before Nova handed it to him. The card in his hands said it was an Avengers I.D. card, this particular card had the name  _Nova_ and a picture of his covered head. Spider-Man never saw anything like that before and he spent a lot of time around the Avengers. A lot. Of course Avengers business really wasn’t any of his business whether he was Peter or Spider-Man.  
  
Spider-Man returned the card to Nova who frowned at it. “Apparently, I’m supposed to meet the ‘team’ at a place called Avengers Mansion but when I showed up some guy told me it was being remodeled. Don’t know where I’m supposed to go now though.”  
  
Nova was probably supposed to head to Stark Tower, which – ironically, coincidentally or otherwise – was the exact same place Peter was going.  _Spider-Man wasn’t heading there though.  
  
_ “I’m not an Avenger.” He had to clarify that off the bat, “but you might want to head to Stark Tower.” Nova tilted his head to the right, in fact his whole body sort of swayed. “It’s that huge building with the word Stark on, like, the top floor?”  
  
“Oh yeah? Cool.” Nova started hovering up then he floated back down. “See it. Why don’t they tell you these things beforehand?” He sighed.  
  
“Just a question... where did you get that card from?”  
  
“It was mailed to me; I got it yesterday then flew, like  _literally flew_ , all the way from Arizona because some Tony Stark guy said I’d make a fine Avenger after hearing about the whole Nova Corps incident. The Guardians, for some reason, said it would be a good idea to get some ‘formal Earth training’ before I rejoin them.”  
  
“Yeah, I don’t understand anything about what you’re saying...”  
  
“Yeah, the Guardians Of The Galaxy is some pretty low-key stuff. Probably shouldn’t have mentioned it...” Spider-Man nodded slowly. And people said  _he_ babbled. “So! Thanks again for the help Spidey – can I call you that?” Spider-Man shrugged. Everyone else did. “Cool. See ya around then? Wait... probably none of my business but why aren’t you an Avenger?”  
  
“Uh, never really been approached? Kinda doing my own thing.”  
  
“Like taking down robbers? I get that. Pretty nice.”  
  
“You were watching me?”  
  
Nova shrugged, “I was looking for directions when I saw you web those guys feet to the ground. Then you gave a cop an autograph.” Was that the reason his spider sense were activating and not the robbers? Seemed plausible. Though they weren’t acting up at this moment. “Anyway...” He started floating up again. “Hope to see you real soon. Maybe we can take down some bad guys together.”  
  
“Sure. Sounds good.” Nova nodded then blasted off causing Spider-Man’s spider sense to go off slightly.  
  
++  
  
Peter got to the tower about an hour later than he originally intended. He wasn’t sure if Nova or any other super-creature was around so he waited it out before changing then headed to the tower.  _Unfortunately_ , Johnny and Ben saw him down the street and figured it was perfectly okay for them to tag along. Another reason why he changed a few blocks before the tower and walked the rest of the way here. Sure, Johnny already knew but Ben didn’t. Peter was trying to keep the number of people who knew he was Spider-Man to a minimum.  
  
As they were walking, they told him Reed was in space and they were bored. According to them (Ben mostly), it was a solo mission so they hightailed it out of there as soon as Reed gave them the okay. They also told him Reed probably wouldn’t even notice if they were there or not and took the opportunity to do something non science related.  
  
Exiting the elevator they saw Pepper clutching a folder tightly, behind her was a brunette looking around in awe. “—of what Tony calls the ‘Avengers portion’ of Stark Tower. Their rooms are the next few floors up.” She said to the woman who nodded. “On this floor we have Tony’s lab A and the kitchen.  _One_ of the kitchens. That...” Peter blinked as he was pointed to, “is Tony’s assistant, Peter.”  Peter waved awkwardly at the brunette who waved back smiling. That smile seemed... familiar but Peter couldn’t tell from where. “Beside him are Johnny and Ben two members of the Fantastic Four.” They greeted the brunette with handshakes and Ben patted her on the shoulder. “Guys, this is Jessica Drew my new assistant.”  
  
“She seems more sturdy than Petey over here.”  
  
Peter groaned which made Johnny elbow him laughing. “Come on Ben, there’s something I discovered yesterday that I wanna show you. Later Pepper, Pepper’s assistant.” Ben shook his head forcing Johnny into the elevator.  
  
“Nice to meet you.” She said with a small smile approaching him extending her hand which he shook. Great, even her voice was familiar somewhat.  
  
“You too.” Jessica rose both eyebrows but didn’t do much else.  
  
“Have we met before?” She asked tilting her head. Truthfully, he was about to ask the same question, but he wouldn’t have an honest answer to give her so he simply shrugged. Realizing they were still shaking hands for about thirty seconds they both stopped then smiled awkwardly at one another. “Sorry.”  
  
“Come on, Jessica, there’s something I want to go over.”  
  
It took about five minutes for the elevator to ping again, Pepper had moved to the kitchen with her assistant and they were talking about a bunch of things. Peter was in the kitchen too but getting something to eat; can’t really experiment on an empty stomach. He peered over the kitchen watching Johnny and Ben come out of the elevator with a full-sized Janet (Peter had to admit he was use to seeing her no taller than a foot high as she’d been the past few days), Ava, Luke and Sam then there was another guy Peter never saw before. “You’d think an entire gaming  _floor_ could handle Ben Grimm and Luke Cage in the span of three damn minutes but you’d be mistaken.” Johnny said with a sigh.  
  
“It’s not my fault.” Luke said jerking his thumb toward Ben. “ _He_ started it.”  
  
“Why would you two even think of wrestling in the first place?” Ava asked shaking her head. “And how does a one minute wrestling match even work?”  
  
“Benjamin Grimm doesn’t walk away from a challenge.”  
  
“What did you guys do?!” Pepper asked horrified walking over to the group, everyone turned to her wide-eyed. Pepper took a step forward and the six of them instinctively took a step back. This process repeated itself until they were all against the closed elevator doors with Pepper in front of them with her hands on her hips. “Explain...” She looked around the line of people avoiding her gaze then nodded at the guy at the end next to Luke. “Danny.”  
  
The blond Peter was unfamiliar with nodded. “We started playing foosball after Tony banned us from his lab. When Luke broke the board—”  
  
“Which was an accident.” Luke added with a shrug.  
  
“—We moved on to another game—”  
  
“Then those two showed up.” Ava said jerking her thumb at Ben and Johnny who were at the end of the line on her left.  
  
“Basically Ben and Luke broke everything they put their hands on until they just started wrestling when deciding who would tell Tony and how much money would be owed.” Johnny said tilting his head, “I think. I almost got a fist in the face so I sort of tuned out the conversation.”  
  
“We didn’t break  _everything_ !” Ben and Luke replied.  
  
“Enough!” Pepper sighed massaging her temples. “Most of the stuff in that room is self-repairing.” Pepper frowned as the six of them all looked down. “How could you  _permanently_ break self-repairing games?!”  
  
“Uh... we’re the Avengers?” Ava said with a shrug then shrank back as Pepper glared at her. It probably didn’t help that most of them had super strength either. She nudged Sam to her left, “she likes you... try and talk to her.”

 

Sam sighed. Out of everyone, except maybe Danny, he had the best chance to defuse Pepper’s rage before it fully came out. “We’re really sorry, Ms. Potts. Though neither me nor Danny actually broke anything.” Danny nodded in agreement and the others glared at him yelling that he was a traitor; surprisingly they were yelling at Danny and  _not Sam_ . “But on behalf of everyone I’ll apologize to Tony.”  
  
Pepper sighed. “No need.” Ava elbowed Sam grinning. “But you guys should  _really_ be more careful.” They nodded in unison murmuring apologies that Pepper waved off.  
  
Janet then shrank and flew over to Peter. “Hey, Pete!” She beamed. Peter, who had a mouth full of cookies, merely nodded his greeting.  
  
“That reminds me.” As if on cue the brunette came out of the kitchen to stand next to Pepper. “Johnny and Ben met her earlier but this is my assistant, Jessica.” Peter watched as everyone shook hands with Jessica, she kept smiling and saying things Peter couldn’t hear but that aching feeling of familiarity kept creeping up. In fact, his spider sense started creeping up too.  
  
“Hey, Luke’s wife is named Jessica too.” Sam said as they shook hands, “and he named his daughter after Danny here.” He cleared his throat as Luke glared at him cracking his knuckles.  
  
“Does anyone know where Tony is?” Sam, Luke and Danny pointed at the elevator. Pepper sighed, “why am I not surprised?”  
  
“He and Doctor B are in the middle of a science war between the Doc McCoy and Doc Pym. We were there before Tony had some of his robots physically throw us out.” Sam said with a frown.  
  
“You call Hank Doc? That’s so cute!” Janet said buzzing around him before landing on the floor returning to normal size. “I thought Peter was the only one that did that. No one else calls him Doc like they do Bruce.”  
  
“Alright, Jan.” Janet squealed as Ava grabbed her by the waist dragging her off, “and don’t think about shrinking.” The others wordlessly followed the girls walking down the hall.  
  
Pepper sighed. “Peter, are you ready?” He, still stuffing his face, made his muffled reply.  
  
++  
  
Jessica frowned as the elevator pinged open. She, that damned oddly familiar Peter kid and her new boss exited the elevator and began walking alongside the wall hearing voices. Once they got to the door Pepper punched in some kind of code then swiped her key card and the door slowly opened giving them entry. Inside were four grown men (three of normal skin tones and one that was  _blue_ and furry) with little remotes in their hands that controlled tiny toy cars or something. Jessica didn’t know exactly what the things were but the had antennas and wheels so she figured they were vehicles of some sort.  
  
The Tony guy Pepper seemed to have a complicated (at best) relationship with was the first to see them and he dove under a table while the other three guys stared wide-eyed at the redhead. “Anthony Edward Stark, you hide  _after_ you see me?!”  
  
“It was a reflex.” He replied getting up and smoothing out his lab coat. “You always come down here when you have to yell and it was my first instinct to avoid that. Also, why the full name? I haven’t done anything wrong,  _Virginia_ .”  
  
Jessica tiled her head and the shortest science guy seemed to sense her confusion because he tilted his head, very subtly, at Pepper.  
  
“Who is that?” The blue guy asked eyeing her like she was an experiment or something. It even looked like he took a few steps forward but the shorter guy held him back.  
  
“Hm? Oh this is Jessica, my assistant. Jessica, these guys are... well both of them are named Hank.” She pointed to the blue guy and the blond who shook her hands one after the other, “and this is Bruce.” She shook hands with the shortest scientist. “Lastly, Tony.”  
  
Jessica held out her hand and Tony looked at it before Pepper nudged him then he shook it,  _reluctantly._   
  
Pepper then thrust her folder in Tony’s  _glowing_ chest. “Ignoring the obvious non-work you’re doing I regret to inform you that a few of your house guests, no I’m sorry  _fellow residents_ , destroyed your game floor. Not just a room but the entire floor in less than five minutes I must add.”  
  
Tony skimmed through the folder then put it back in Pepper’s hands. “It was a prototype, I’ll have a new one up and running by the end of next week.”  
  
Pepper sighed, “of course you will. Why not channel some of that enthusiasm into your meetings, huh?”  
  
“Why? Meetings don’t make things happen.”  
  
Pepper merely stared at him expressionless. “I am choosing to ignore that statement.”  
  
“Anyway...” She rose an eyebrow, “I managed to refrain from any suicidal experiments or missions since you left  _and_ you were gone twice as long as you originally planned—” Her second eyebrow joined the first. “I was thinking a reward is necessary.”  
  
“You should not get rewarded for being cautious.... but seeing as how it’s you what did you have in mind?” Tony beckoned her closer then whispered in her ear. She went through about ten different facial expressions, in the span of twelve seconds, ranging from surprised to blank to pissed before he moved back nodding. “Alright.”  
  
“Thanks, Pep. Hank...” Both men, as expected, turned to him and Tony groaned. “Should have expected that, I meant Pym.” The aforementioned Hank nodded. “I’m gonna need you to assemble the Avengers in the training room in about five minutes.”  
  
The not-blue Hank looked around then pointed to himself. “Me? Why?”  
  
“We’re about to do some team-bonding exercises.”  
  
++  
  
Tony wasn’t much for being on time, Pepper could (and would) vouch for that, but he managed to somewhat surprise everyone by showing up exactly five minutes after Hank P. told everyone to show up here. Of course, Tony was told before them so it might have been more than five minutes but that didn’t matter.  
  
Tony was one floor above everyone looking down grinning.  
  
“If this is another stupid science speech you’re getting an arrow in the eye socket, Stark.” Clint yells folding his arms over his chest. Bucky was on his left side hands locked behind his head while Natasha was on the right with her hands on her hips. Peter saw the three of them together a lot the past few days.  
  
“Relax. No science today, Merida.” Most of the people in the room  _loudly_ sighed in relief making Tony scowl. “Of course—” He heard some kind of noise and looked down to find Clint with an arrow in his bow and the bow aimed at Tony. “Oh shit, are you serious right now?!” Clint’s only reply was pulling the arrow back. “Okay! No science at all! I won’t even say the word!” Clint lowered the bow slightly but kept eye contact. Tony then cleared his throat. “Does anyone know what day it is?”  
  
“Friday?” Someone, although he was pretty sure it was Janet ( _or Ava_ ), yelled.  
  
Tony sighed. That was true but not the answer he was looking for. “It is the Fourth Of July. I believe this particular part of Midgard it is known as Independence Day, but we celebrate our Captain’s birthday in lieu of that.”  
  
Everyone simply stared at Thor with their mouths hanging open, not even bothering to hide their shock. “R-Right...” Tony made a mental note to throw in a few extra hours of menial training to the idiot that taught Thor all about holidays celebrated on Earth. Most of the team was born and raised on Earth and didn’t know half the shit Thor knew about the planet – and he learned most of the stuff over the course of eight months! That damn Thanksgiving day feast started this craziness.  
  
“Steve still isn’t here.” Bucky drawls with a glare that would set Tony on fire if physically possible.  
  
“I know, I know.” He waved off the glare that was as terrifying as Natasha’s or Carol’s. “Which is why we are going to bring the party to the Captain!”  
  
“We’re kidnapping Captain America? Hell yes!” Clint, much to Tony’s relief, unhooked his arrow from the bow and put it back on his quiver that he was not wearing when he first came in the room. Tony suspected one of his assassin buddies either hid it on their person or moved faster than the speed of light to bring it to him. Also, Clint’s grin was positively diabolical.  
  
“Last time anyone heard from Cap he was still at the Helicarrier which means S.H.I.E.L.D. probably has him destroying punching bags before he has to give some forced boring ass Captain America for independence speech or what have you.” At this point, Carol was floating around looking about a second away from destroying something.  
  
“So we just bust in and snatch him!” Janet yelled but since she was about six inches tall no one saw her but the sure as hell heard her. “We have enough muscle to do it. We got the big guy then there’s The Thing and Power Man—”  
  
“Man, I told you not to call me Power Man.” Janet grinned sheepishly at Luke before apologizing.  
  
“Wagging war on S.H.I.E.L.D. is not the best idea.” Janet, who in the midst of her rant, flew near Natasha and heaved a heavy sigh. “I work for S.H.I.E.L.D.—” She elbowed Clint who began mumbling, “— _occasionally,_ why not let me just get him?”  
  
“No. They’ll expect that and put you on Cap duty, remember New Year’s Eve?” Natasha’s eyes narrowed and she reached for Clint’s bow but Janet stopped her by flying Clint away from her reach.  
  
“So what do you expect us to do?” Peter didn’t even realize Doctor Strange was here until he started floating beside Carol. “Maria Hill is no Fury. She isn’t going to allow us to whisk the Captain away to celebrate his birthday of all things.”  
  
“I don’t know where you’ve been man, Fury never allowed that shit either.” Bucky said frowning.  
  
“Not exactly true, he may have told us not to but he didn’t exactly try and stop us either.” Natasha muttered. “That’s as close as approval as you’d get with Nick Fury.”  
  
“There is no doubt in my mind Hill will fire a hit squad on us the moment we reach Steve.” Jen said with a growl. “I think the hulk in me is telling me to smash.”  
  
“Either way...” Carol cracked her knuckles landing beside Jen, “we’re going to have a good old fashion captain to director talk.”  
  
“People relax.” Everyone stared at Tony. “I’m all for busting S.H.I.E.L.D. agents heads but I never said anything about going to S.H.I.E.L.D. to get Cap.” At first they looked expressionless but now everyone just looked pissed. “Jan, get that bow away from Legolas.”  
  
“Nah, I’ll wait until after.”  
  
Pissing off a room full of super-powered and weapon wielding individuals was not what Tony had in mind, especially since he’d get attacked faster than he could get any of his suits for protection. “They always try and get Cap to make speeches in public locations, right? Last year was in front of the Empire State Building but luckily we were able to intercept the message and celebrate Cap’s birthday at the Mansion.”  
  
Peter did a double take. Last year? The Avengers only made themselves known about three months ago! Were they here for a while in secret? And the Mansion? The Fury guy? That S.H.I.E.L.D. thing they kept talking about? There were so many questions but Peter couldn’t possibly ask any of them without giving away that he was Spider-Man. Well, at least he knew what S.H.I.E.L.D. stood for ...even if he still didn’t know what they did or why.  
  
Natasha tapped her chin. S.H.I.E.L.D., or specifically Hill, mentioned Central Park a lot the past few weeks. Last year Fury told her in advance that they were planning to have some kind of speech thing because Fury himself didn’t want to be apart of it and he too ended up at Cap’s birthday barbecue. Granted, last year there was about half the amount of Avengers that were here right now. Still, Hill was dead set on last year’s speech and she mentioned the Empire State Building at that time too. She nudged Bucky who looked down. “Did Hill mention anything about Central Park to you?”  
  
The brunet frowned. “Not to me but some other agents said she wouldn’t stop talking about some something. I wasn’t really paying attention.”  
  
“That’s all I need to hear.” She looked up. “Tony.” He cut off mid sentence to stare at her. “Cap will probably be at Central Park in a few hours.”  
  
Clint glanced at her taking an arrow out of his quiver. “Great, so who do we need to shoot?”  
  
“Maybe we can go the somewhat non-violent approach? You know, tear a page of out of the Deadpool – Spider-Woman thing from the other day with smoke bombs and whatnot?” Janet, still on Clint’s shoulder, replied.  
  
“Weren’t you just talking about busting in and snatching Cap?”  
  
“Yeah but I never said violence.” She shrugged, “though I’m not opposed to beating up a few S.H.I.E.L.D. lackeys either.”  
  
“This better be some damn good party Stark, risking our lives and whatnot?” Johnny said leaning against Ben as opposed to a wall.  
  
“Jonathan, when have I  _ever_ thrown a bad party?” Johnny scowls, sulking further into Ben. “I’m sure if we try and publicly kidnap Cap, even if its for his birthday, then all credibility from the Avengers  _and the Fantastic Four_ would go down the drain, so we’ll get him  _before_ he makes the speech. I doubt they’d take the Helicarrier so we just need a group of experienced spies to scope the area.”  
  
Everyone glanced among themselves before Carol started floating again. “Alright, let’s say we actually manage to do this. What then?”  
  
“I may or may not have rented out a place we could take Cap for his birthday.”  
  
“Okay!” Janet flew off Clint’s shoulder then resumed her normal size as she started walking backwards toward the door. “All we need to do is get Steve then—”  
  
The door to the training room opened and the last person everyone expected was on the other side. Captain America – Steve Rogers – clad in his signature uniform was on the other side of the door with a duffel bag over his left shoulder and his shield on his back. “Get Steve what?” Janet turned around gaping for all of three seconds before shrinking then flying over to Hank who was also gaping. “What are you all doing here anyway?” He looked up at Tony whose eyes darted around. “Tony—”  
  
“ _Clear out_ !” Was the only warning Steve got before everyone either ran or flew past him out the only exit on this floor – the door right behind him. If he wasn’t so stunned he might have grabbed someone and demanded answers, but this was not what he expected when he left S.H.I.E.L.D.’s base a few hours ago. Debriefing a mission for three days straight? He was normally all about debriefing making sure there were no mistakes but this particular debriefing seemed a bit unbearable, especially considering it was an easy mission. He carried out his mission with Bucky but his best friend all but bailed after twenty minutes of debriefing on the first day and, other than seeing him among the crowd, hadn’t seen him since.  
  
Steve frowned. Whatever they were doing was ninety-six percent Tony’s idea; no, there was no use giving the man the benefit of the doubt. It had to be one hundred percent Tony’s idea. He was looming over them for crying out loud! Tony enjoyed celebrating holidays or birthdays of the Avengers but surreptitiously ignored his own birthday brushing it off as no big deal.  
  
Steve shook his head walking out of the training room. He wasn’t in the mood to play hide and seek with the Avengers,  _again_ . Not after last year’s Labor Day fiasco.  
  
As he was walking Bucky rounded the corner. “Hey, Bud.” Steve sighs, “sorry about that... thing earlier. We were talking about springing you from Hill then you surprised us—”  
  
“So the only option was to run off?” Bucky winced. “Wait, you were thinking about taking me from the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier?”  
  
“Yeah, thought you were held captive to do some speech at Central Park.”  
  
“I was set to do a speech at Central Park.”  
  
“ _Was_ ?” Bucky echoed.  
  
“Agent Coulson managed to beat you guys to the punch. He, uh, sprung me out a few hours ago, but we weren’t in New York so it took me a while to get here.”  
  
“Coulson would do anything to make you happy,  _Captain_ .” Steve rolled his eyes, “but in all seriousness happy birthday man.”  
  
“Thanks...” Steve’s eyes narrow, “this, by chance, wasn’t a ploy to distract me was it?”  
  
“Steve, my friend, you know me all too well.  _Now, Clint!_ ” Half a second later Steve glanced to his left slightly, his clavicle, where an arrow was embedded. It wasn’t one of Clint’s arrows that instilled pain or pierced flesh or  _exploded_ or who knew what else, it was more like a drug – but the serum made it incredibly difficult for him to get drunk by normal means (or so quickly) but this stuff must have been super powerful to have him swaying.  
  
In his blurred vision, Steve saw Clint jump down from the vent with Sam on his side leaning on him. He didn’t know if Sam came from the vent too. Truthfully, he didn’t know much of anything anymore. “Come on, the boss will be pleased.” He heard Sam say, then he heard some laughter before he blacked out.  
  
++  
  
When Steve came too the first thing he noticed was he was on a bench. The second thing he noticed was he was on a bench in front of a building that said ice skating. He managed to stand on both feet on the first try then he stalked over to the building opening the doors seeing a bunch of the Avengers ice skating. A few of them were leaning against the rail cheering or making lewd comments but the majority of them were skating.  
  
Steve started to walk toward the rink but stopped, startled as Janet flew in front of him. “Whoa man, you can’t go out there without skates!” Then she grabbed him by the sleeve dragging him over to the counter where a kid leaned against it excitedly.  
  
“No one is going to believe that Captain America came to our skating rink on his birthday!” The guy gushed. “What size do you wear?” Steve glanced at Janet who sighed, rolled her eyes, then returned to her normal size grabbed the guy by the collar then whispered something in his ear before letting go. “R-Right away, ma’am!”  
  
“What did you say to that boy?”  
  
“Don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Why did Tony do this? He rented an entire ice skating rink? What happened to the other people that might want to ice skate today?”  
  
“Oh Steven, you’re so obliviously adorable!” He narrowed his eyes at Janet who simply batted her eyelashes. “Tony didn’t rent the place, it was actually empty before we showed up. People only think he rented it  _because he’s Tony Stark_ so they showed up taking pictures but then Beast Hank and Ben scared them off. There are actually a few non Avengers on the ice right now... and not just the two that came with us. No wait, I think there are technically four non Avengers with us. Five if you include Pepper. No, I don’t include Pepper... she’s definitely one of us. So four it is.” She shrugged then handed Steve the skates before shrinking and flying off.  
  
Steve stared at the skates before walking over to one of the benches and sitting taking off his shoes then putting the skates on.  
  
He got up and walked over to the rink, leaning on the rail watching everyone skate. Tony did have the tendency to be a bit ...overzealous but taking the team ice-skating was a real nice gift. Speaking of Tony, he did not see him on the ice.  
  
Suddenly, Bucky skated over to him grinning holding up his arms. “No distractions this time just checking up on you. We were gonna hit you with Pym particles but Hank said it would be ‘immoral’ so we used some experimental stuff from Bruce’s lab.” Bucky tilted his head furrowing his eyebrows; clearly an indication that he’d been hanging around Clint too often. “You alright?”  
  
“I suppose, for someone who got distracted by his best friend to get knocked out by his team.” Bucky stuck his tongue out. “Where’s Stark?”  
  
“Can’t skate, on his little computer thing.” Steve’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Tony couldn’t skate? No, couldn’t  _ice skate_ ? It sounded wrong somehow. There was very little he found that Tony couldn’t do: among that small list was the billionaire’s inability to keep his mouth shut and his refusal to follow direct orders (or orders of  _any kind_ ). “He’s at the food stand.”  
  
Steve nodded then made his way over there. Upon remembering he was wearing skates he slowly made his way over there.  
  
“Ah! The good captain is awake!” Thor patted him on the shoulder. “I sincerely wish to you the happiest of birthdays, Steven.”  
  
“Thanks Thor. So... can you skate?”  
  
“Of course. I was keeping Anthony company...” He looked Steve over, “but since you are here I will take my leave.” He nodded before disappearing. Steve glanced at him literally skate circles around some of the other people on the ice. He was so graceful it was a bit ...unnerving. Like you shouldn’t be able to watch it up close because it was so beautiful. He even leaped over a couple on the ice!  
  
Tony had his back to Steve fiddling away with his tablet or phone or whatever was small enough to fit in his hands and survive the onslaught of pokes from Tony’s fingers. Steve sat beside the billionaire who glanced at him briefly before returning his attention to the thing in his hands. “Thought you’d be on the ice.” His fingers stilled over the phone wincing before he fully turned to Steve. “Not exactly the best choice of words...”  
  
“It’s okay. I’m going to skate but I was wondering if you’d join me?”  
  
“Me? No, I don’t skate. Ice or normal ground. It’s not natural and I’m not exactly as graceful as those guys in the tight clothes on TV. I do enjoy watching it though, with all their fancy flips and whatnot? You know? But sometimes those judges can be real dicks. They pull off a perfect move then they get like a six for technical shit. It’s crazy.” Steve frowned slightly. Tony normally babbled – it was one of the things he learned early about the man (that little bit of information was preceded by the fact that Tony Stark didn’t simply like hearing himself talk. He liked sharing knowledge with the people around him, whether it was from his voice or his fancy machines) – but pretty soon he’d change the subject. “So, enjoying your birthday?” There it was right on cue.  
  
“Why is it that every time I ask you something about yourself you deflect the conversation?” For all the media spoke about Tony Stark the man didn’t really like talking about himself. He’d talk about Stark Industries for  _days_ and his creations but when it came to anything about Tony Stark that wasn’t from a tabloid or “credible witness” there wasn’t much to go on. He’d say a thing or two (if that much) then start talking about random things.  
  
Tony seemed genuinely taken aback by the question. “What? I don’t do that. Why would I throw away the opportunity to talk about myself? I do nothing but talk about myself! We’ve known one another for almost three years Cap, have I not been needlessly throwing information at you since the day we first met?”  
  
Steve was about to respond. Had a retort ready and everything but he did not expect to see the Hulk,  _on skates_ , trudging over to them lifting Steve up and giving him a crushing bear hug. The Hulk had been around the team since the Avengers first came together even though Bruce was a more constant presence now but over the past two years or so Hulk got great along with all the Avengers [well most of them anyway]. He, much to Tony’s displeasure, was particularly fond of Clint; very openly fond. The cause of Tony’s displeasure wasn’t that Hulk was fond of Clint, it was that he was  _more_ fond of Clint than him or anyone else (especially him). Steve suspected Tony was about a strong third or at least a second place tie with Janet – the three of them had the tendency to encourage Hulk’s behavior instead of being weary of it. Tony, in an attempt to justify himself, claimed that no one liked Clint more than him and Natasha kicked him for it.  _Hard._ Everyone winced once she made contact and they were certain if he was wearing his Iron Man armor she would have put a dent in it.  
  
The green guy released Steve grinning. “We set up the fireworks.”  
  
Steve looked at Tony incredulously and all he got was a shrug.  
  
“Excellent work, Mean Green, we’ll be set to go in about ten minutes.” Hulk nods before walking off. Janet flew over to the Hulk skating beside him pretty much confirming her being his (tied) second favorite. Unlike most of the Avengers (Steve had to admit it included him but excluded Tony who was just about certifiably insane when it came to pushing his luck), Janet wasn’t afraid when she was first introduced to the Hulk. According to the others, neither was Clint which was probably why he was the favorite. Some even said he deliberately upset Hulk upon their introduction and only walked off with a broken leg. Which was a lot less broken body parts than everyone suspected.  
  
“Where did they even get skates his size?”  
  
“They’re custom made. Bruce can’t skate but the big guy can. Pym and I worked on them – not really his field of expertise but I couldn’t very well have Brucie-kins work on them if he was set to test them. We made some for Ben too.” Steve nodded watching the man in question and the Hulk trade blows on the ice with Janet cheering on the side while Hank unsuccessfully tried to get them to stop. Why did those two always fight when they came in contact?  
  
“I wasn’t finished with you.” Tony rolled his eyes then groaned dramatically. “You did throw information but none of it was actually about you.”  
  
“So? My life isn’t really that interesting. Why would I take up Captain America’s valuable time with my life story?”  
  
“I wouldn’t—” Steve sighed, Tony was doing that thing again but he wasn’t going to rise to the bait. “...if I didn’t care, Tony, I wouldn’t be this worked up about not knowing.”  
  
Tony’s eyes widened. “Uh... sorry Cap— _Steve—_ I’m not good with talking, you know?” He shrugged. “It’s a bit of a defense mechanism. But happy birthday?”  
  
Steve chuckled shaking his head. Then he stood holding out his hand, “skate with me.”  
  
“Steve—”  
  
“That’s a direct order, soldier.”  
  
“Are you seriously using your Captain America crowd rallying voice on me right now, Rogers?” Tony sighed getting up. “I’m telling you now I’m going to bust my ass either by my own lack of skill or someone out there tripping me. And my money’s on Barton or Romanoff.”  
  
“Don’t be paranoid.” Tony rose an eyebrow. “How about I stay with you?”  
  
“Doubt it would help but what the hell, skating with Captain America is on my bucket list so I might as well cross that one off. Of course, this happens after fireworks.” As if on cue, everyone got off the ice and exited standing in front of the building. Even the boy behind the counter went outside. Not exactly professional but – whatever, who didn’t like fireworks?  
  
Outside, Hulk and Ben argued over who got to light the fireworks but in the end Johnny hit them both with a fireball and unwittingly distracted Ben enough to have him chase Johnny down so Hulk got to work setting off fireworks like no one’s business. And they weren’t little fireworks either. Almost everyone in the crowd had little sparklers but Hulk was firing large, colorful,  _loud_ fireworks one after the other.  
  
Thor, who spent the last Fourth Of July evening in Asgard, looked up at the fireworks in awe. The sky lit up with fireworks of the Avengers among other things, no doubt an idea Tony had and his grin was a dead giveaway.  
  
“You want more!?” Hulk screamed and the crowd cheered, “well Hulk has no more.” Then everyone instantly deflated.  
  
“But Hulk~” Janet sing-songed. “Whatever will we do about the fireworks right here?” Hank beamed holding a big bag of fireworks.  
  
“Hey! Let me at some of them fireworks, huh?” Hulk grunted so Ben took that as an acknowledgment. Instead of getting a match, he stood Johnny in front of the bag of fireworks. “Work your magic, kid.”  
  
Johnny cracked his knuckles, “prepare to be amazed!  _Flame on_ !” The crowd cheered as Johnny set himself on fire floating but what everyone failed to notice was he was right above the fireworks that almost instantly went off underneath him. “Uh-oh...”  
  
People flailed around dodging wayward fireworks. Steve, thankful to be still in his suit, used his shield to deflect a couple of random fireworks spun his way. Hulk and Ben started punching fireworks into the air when they weren’t punching one another. A few of the other Avengers used their abilities to keep the fireworks in the air and away from the ground or the pedestrians... or one another. And quite a few of them were failing  _miserably_ .  
  
“I can see it now, on newsstands everywhere  _tonight_ : The Avengers and half of the Fantastic Four set Coney Island on fire.” Tony said with a sigh as Steve grabbed him just before blocking a firework with his shield. “On the Fourth Of July no less.”  
  
“Tony, I’m pretty much used to your drama but do you think that maybe you could focus on not getting hit?”  
  
Tony looked up watching a firework fly overhead then shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”  
  
“Just how many fireworks did you have in that bag, Pym?” Johnny asked flying by avoiding the fireworks. He was pretty sure he couldn’t cause anymore damage seeing as how the fireworks were already lit (and going out of control) but he wasn’t about to test that theory.  
  
“You realize  _you_ are the one that started this, right!? Don’t you dare go blaming Hank for the fireworks!” Janet yelled then zapped him for good measure grinning as he yelped. Beside her Hank sighed shaking his head to which she simply shrugged in reply. “We need some kind of water based Avenger in this group, Tony!”  
  
“I’ll get right on that. In the meantime maybe we can borrow Iceman, he’s still with the X-Men right Hank?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“Not you!” Tony sighed. “Seriously, every time I put those two together—”  
  
“You should call the other guy Beast Hank then, it’ll make things easier.” Janet paused, “wait a second!” She shrank then flew over to Tony who was still behind Steve using both the man and his shield as, well, a shield. “Tony, Thor can summon rain! He did it on that plant world we got stuck in a few weeks back! He used his rain bringing powers to over water the plants then they exploded!”  
  
“You’re right! Get to Thor.” Janet nodded then flew over to the Asgardian who wasn’t too far away but was merely watching the madness unfold with a huge smile on his face. Dodging fireworks that flew by him but making no actual move to stop any of them. Almost as if he was enjoying this far too much or he  ~~ half- ~~ expected the situation to unfold in this manner.  
  
“I don’t know what’s so amusing, Big Guy, but we’re gonna need you to bring the rain.”  
  
“Dammit Jan, you should have said  _make it rain_ !”  
  
Janet didn’t know who yelled that but she facepalmed nonetheless. “Of course!” She agreed turning back to Thor. “Rain, please.” Thor glanced at her nodding then he closed his eyes. Janet looked up as the skies opened up without warning unleashing a heavy downpour around them. “Yeah... thanks.” She grew back to her normal size blowing some hair out of her face. “Thanks so much...”  
  
As expected, people ran around screaming looking for the nearest place to seek shelter. The Avengers?  _No!_ They were busy  _playing_ in the rain! In addition to stopping the wayward fireworks, the rain effectively doused Johnny causing him to flame out and fall on the ground. Then most of the Avengers plus Ben grabbed balloons from who knows where, filled them with rain water and started pelting them at him. Janet was particularly aggressive with her assault. Hank, who normally found no joy in “acts of violence,” deemed this little exercise to be in good fun and joined in on the assault as well. Pretty much the whole party ganged up on him, even some of the other people from the rink joined in. A lot of the people who sought out shelter came out just for the chance of hitting Johnny. Everyone was passing balloons among themselves throwing them down on the poor boy. Even Tony joined briefly before disappearing.  
  
Steve watched in mild interest as Johnny scrambled to his feet then started running off only to be assaulted by more balloons. Now instead of having a teamed assault, everyone gave their balloons to either Bucky or Clint who were expertly hitting their target every time regardless of where he moved. At certain times neither of them were even paying attention and still managed to hit Johnny.  
  
Steve was using his shield as a makeshift umbrella but most of his body (particularly the lower half) was still getting wet. Still, he didn’t really want to join but he didn’t want to look away either.  
  
“Hey!” Tony suddenly called from inside the skating rink building in the doorway. He was partially wet but not soaked like everyone else. It was probably due to him going inside and not joining in the rain festivities as long as the others. “We’re supposed to be skating, remember?”  
  
As soon as Thor looked up and the skies cleared Steve remembered the Asgardian called the rain in the first place. The group happily trudged inside soaked to the bone dripping on the floor and everything! Johnny groaned slowly getting to his feet then went inside.  
  
The boy from behind the counter provided everyone with towels before going back to his post. “That was fun and all but how do we dry off?” Luke asked wrapping a towel around his shoulders.  
  
“If I could heat up I’ll dry you guys in no time.”  
  
“Down Flame Boy, you’ve done enough damage.” Ben patted him on the shoulder ignoring his pout. “We might as well get back on the ice, all that movement might dry us off.”  
  
Carol floated by completely dry, “or... you guys might want to use that new Asgardian air dryer by the entrance.” Then she floated off back toward the rink. Danny, who had been standing next to Luke, looked over his shoulder at Thor creating a wind with his hammer around about half of the group effectively drying them while making their hair look more than just  _a little_ windblown. He glanced at Luke who shrugged before they and everyone else joined getting dried as well.  
  
“Does this happen often?” Jessica asked Pepper as they, both nearly fully dried, headed back on the ice. The brunette managed to put her hair in a ponytail and wrapped her towel around her head because her hair was way too unkempt to keep out.  
  
“Not this exact thing but something weird always happens when these people get together.”  
  
“Ah. I can see why you need an assistant.”  
  
“Yes, I need someone to keep me sane on a regular basis.”  
  
“Might be a little outnumbered though.” Pepper nodded in agreement. Dealing with these people, most of which had superpowers and one that was from another  _world_ of all things!? Yeah, dealing with the Avengers was not good for her. Tony was enough of a hassle but throw in a couple of people who had Tony-esque suicidal, risk taking tendencies that Tony, unsurprisingly, encouraged? Yeah, no, no thank you. Pepper enjoyed her sanity very much. As much as she adored these super-powered, weapon toting, disaster bringing weirdos she needed a semblance of calm. Peter was already too much under their influence but still not crazy enough so there was still hope. But she needed more than that.  
  
Pretty soon the Avengers (most of them anyway) returned to the ice along with some of the pedestrians outside who also got a free drying from Thor. Even a few more customers came in joining in on the fun.  
  
“Come on Tones,  _seriously_ ?” There was only one person that called Tony that. Steve watched as Rhodey (who may or may not have thrown a few water balloons at Johnny earlier, he wasn’t exactly certain) along with Natasha, Hulk and Carol tried to pry Tony off the rail. Tony must’ve had assistance from Spider-Man to get  _that_ stuck. Carol and Hulk had super-strength and Tony wasn’t budging!  
  
“Just hit his pressure points James; he’ll fall like a log.”  
  
“Maybe I don’t want him to fall like a log, Natasha, I just want him to get on the damn ice. You don’t even have any ice skating experienced trauma to make you avoid skating!”  
  
“Maybe you can get Strange to use some magic?” Carol said with the tilt of her head. “Like a tickle spell or a loosening grip spell? Or maybe Clint can shoot arrows at his hands? We can use glue remover? Get more people to move him? Move the rails? Help me out here I’m running out of seemingly non-violent options.”  
  
“I’m sorry, how is Robin Hood shooting me  _non-violent_ ?! And did you say seemingly?”  
  
Carol paused for a moment, blinked, then shrugged. “Tony.” Still latched onto the rail he managed to face Rhodey. “Wanna talk about this in private?”  
  
“There is nothing to discuss. I simply do not want to go out there.”  
  
Rhodey and Natasha exchange glances before the latter nods. The redhead then turns to Carol then mutters something in some language Tony isn’t fluent in before the blonde flew off.  
  
Steve walked over to the group partially out of curiosity but mostly out of concern. Tony was stubborn but never this bad, at least not without a reason. “What seems to be the problem here?”  
  
“That is a good question, Captain.” Tony turned his head to see Pepper standing on the ice in front of him with her hands on her hips. “Mr. Stark, you must realize you are out there when the party is going on in here?”  
  
“Ms. Potts, you must realize I’m not exactly in the mood to join the party for I would be out there already.”  
  
Both of them sounded incredibly calm given the situation. “How do they manage to do that?” Steve asks and Rhodey shakes his head shrugging.  
  
“Got any ideas, Cap?” Carol asks landing beside him.  
  
“If you guys don’t mind, I’d like to talk to Tony.” They all stare at him none of their expressions showed anything even remotely close to being convinced he’d make Tony move. Natasha, however, was the only one to voice it.  
  
“We’ll be on the ice if you need us, Cap.” He nodded at her before they walked off glaring at Tony before skating away.  
  
“You sure that’s wise, Captain? I’m pretty sure Carol outranks you.”  
  
“I’m aware. What I’m not aware of is your adamant refusal to skate.” Tony groaned. “You said you’d skate with me after the fireworks ended and I’m holding you to that.”  
  
Steve was surprised when Tony released the rail with nothing more than a defeated sigh then stood straightening himself up. “If I remember correctly you coerced me into skating. But I still can’t back out of an order from Captain America, can I?” Steve felt like smirking but that wouldn’t be appropriate given the situation. And a tad bit mocking because Tony was more inclined to consider an idea/order from  _Steve_ than he would Captain America while it would be the inverse for most people.  
  
“Do you want to tell me why you don’t want to skate before we go out there?”  
  
“It won’t change your mind.” Steve was pretty sure Tony was pouting as he petulantly plopped down on one of the benches but nevertheless he uses this opportunity to take off Tony’s shoes exchanging them for the pair of skates Natasha was holding earlier. “Contrary to what you guys may think, I do not have a particular reason for not wanting to go on the ice other than the fact that I can’t skate.”  
  
“When you go on the ice you’ll learn. But that wouldn’t sit well with you because you’d give up your only excuse.” Steve stood then held up his arms for Tony who glared at them before taking them.  
  
“You’re too good for your own good, you realize that don’t you?”  
  
“I’m not sure that makes any sense but I appreciate the compliment all the same – I think.”  
  
Tony sighed then stood wobbly as Steve led them over to the ice. Once he put one skate on the ice he unsuccessfully tried to move back to non slippery ground. “Yeah, I can’t do this. How about a rain check?”  
  
“Tony, relax.” Tony nods but doesn’t really relax, at all. If anything he’s even more tense. “You know, what your doing right now isn’t relaxing. In fact its pretty much the opposite of relaxing.”  
  
“Hey~” Bucky skates by stopping in front of them but that certainly wasn’t Bucky who just spoke. Clint – who is four or five inches taller than the brunet – was perched on Bucky’s shoulders waving. That explained why Steve hadn’t seen Clint on the ice earlier.  _Somewhat_ . No, actually it didn’t explain it at all. If anything, it made things a bit more confusing.  
  
“Does this need an explanation or is it something we’re better off not knowing?” Tony asks looking up briefly before putting his head down staring at the ice below.  
  
“Not really much of an ice fan, don’t even use ice in my drinks let alone skate on it. If we went rollerblading I’d be able to keep up with Thor’s fancy ass.” Thor skated by did some kind of spin in front of them before skating off doing even more spins. Some people actually stopped, stared and applauded as he went by. “Was on the ice for about six minutes. Fell thirty-two times and took Buck with me twenty-seven of those times. Yes, I counted.”  
  
“Then Natasha snatched him up and flung him around like a pinball. I had to grab him and put him on my shoulder to prevent him from causing more damage.”  
  
“To others and not myself.” Clint adds. “One of the times I didn’t fall with Buck I brought down an elderly couple.” Steve winced. “They weren’t hurt! They actually thanked me.” Steve glances at Tony who rolls his eyes. His expression practically screamed:  _see Clint can’t skate and he’s on the ice, why can’t you do it too?_ “You managed to get him on the ice? Nat’s gonna owe me so much cash!”  
  
“Owe  _us_ .” Bucky corrected. “Though we might not get paid if he doesn’t move.” The three of them glanced at Tony who was shaking.  
  
“ _Move_ , Stark, I got a bet to collect.”  
  
Tony was half-tempted to climb Steve to even the playing field but that would make the situation uncomfortable... for everyone. Besides, it was Cap’s birthday and mortifying the poor guy was not on the to-do list (today).  ~~ He could pencil it in as early as next Thursday though. ~~ Furthermore, with all the playful and occasionally flirtatious banter he and Steve had going on he hadn’t yet reached the same level of insert innuendos at will flirting, touchy-feely comfort and craziness banter with him as he did with Clint, Rhodey or Bruce  ~~ – yes even Bruce could be flirty ~~ . Had Clint been on the ice skating Tony wouldn’t hesitate to do what he was doing with Bucky and skate off no problem. Alas such was not the case.  
  
“Why don’t you get down?” Bucky looks up at Clint who groans. The brunet skated over to the rail and Clint detached himself remaining on the rail for a few seconds before hesitantly going on the ice. Tony, with Bucky and Steve holding up upright, saw Clint leaning against the rail – to anyone else it looked like he was just relaxing but the three of them knew he was struggling to keep himself from falling. Then Natasha skated by grabbing him by the arm and Tony barely had enough time to brace himself before she grabbed him with her free hand somehow right out of Steve and Bucky’s grasps.  
  
Bucky shrugged before taking Steve’s hand and skating after them. Natasha carelessly tossed Clint in Thor’s direction who caught him with relative ease going back into his rather impressive spins that several people around him were trying to mimic, including the Hulk who was doing the best out of everyone. Tony gulped as Natasha smiled at him. Natasha smiling was  **never** a good thing. There were rumors of people not living very long after seeing one of her smiles.  
  
Tony saw Bucky and Steve coming up behind them but Natasha did something with her hands, he was too busy trying not to fall to pay attention, nevertheless much to his horror they actually skated in the opposite direction!  “I do not enjoy losing bets, Stark. Especially those I make with ex-agent Barton.” She made him stand upright whether it was due to actually moving him or fear was unknown. Falling on his face and cracking the fucking ice was ten thousand times better than pissing off Natasha. “We knew Steve could be persuasive but to actually get you on the ice with one go? It seemed impossible.” She mused turning taking him with her. “I’m taken the liberty of teaching you to skate. You’re my problem now. Cap can’t save you.”  
  
“Why go through all the trouble?” Why not joke? Joking made everything better. He’d seen – first hand experience – that Natasha, the Black Widow, badass mofo of the Avengers  _had_ a sense of humor. She laughed, she cried (in her weaker moments according to her that were  never to be spoken of aloud in mixed company), she— she was simply staring at him now and that made Tony more than just a little worried.  
  
“It’s no trouble for us teaching you something you can’t learn on your own, just like I’m sure its no trouble for you to build us new weapons or suits or whatever.” She glanced at him. “That’s what a family does, Tony. You’re the one that called the Avengers family so we don’t expect you take that back any time soon.” How could someone sound so sincere and so threatening at the same time? Good Lord, this woman was terrifying! And his life was literally in her hands. He wasn’t shaking as much as when he was being barely held by Steve but as terrifying as Natasha’s hand on his back was it was also very calming. Maybe she drugged him, it wouldn’t be the first ...or second time; not even the tenth time if one was keeping track.  
  
“Switch, for the love of God. Let. Us. Switch!” Clint wailed as he had his arms spread out with Thor on his left and Hulk on his right. Neither of them were holding him, but were close enough to catch him if he fell backwards or faceplanted into the ice.  
  
“Sorry Clint, looks like you’ve got a good thing going there.” Natasha said smiling. See never a good thing.  
  
“Damn you, Natasha. I’ll have my revenge.”  
  
She managed to skate right up to him with Tony by her side the smile never left her lips as he struggled to stay balanced. “Revenge on what dare I ask?” She skated forward and he held his ground – wobbly but he still held it – even though she looked half a second away from pushing him.  
  
“I don’t know yet but I swear if you push me we’re going to have more than just words, Romanoff.”  
  
“Your words wound me, Blue Jay.” She leans forward putting the hand not around Tony in front of his face. “Care to test your luck against me, Barton?”  
  
“Surely you can best Natasha in a bout. I have seen the two of your square off on numerous occasions in the training facility. It is delightful.”  
  
“Are you kidding?” He yelled which made him move backwards and it took a few seconds for him to steady himself. “Not on the ice. You see how she’s perfectly composed and holding onto Stark without so much as a hair out of place? Whereas I’m struggling to keep my ass and/or face from hitting the ice  _again_ ? Not exactly a fair bout.”  
  
“Then I shall fight in your stead my brother in arms. Hulk, I trust you will take care of Clinton and Anthony?” Hulk nodded then skated over to Tony taking him from Natasha.  
  
Natasha wordlessly watched Hulk take Tony and Clint to a presumed safe distance before returning her attention to the God in front of her. “Clear the ice then let’s do this.”  
  
“Very well. People!” He boomed, “I apologize for the inconvenience but the entire rink is needed for a bout between Natasha and myself.”  
  
“Shit Thor, you’re gonna fight on the ice with Natasha?!” Janet seemed a bit too happy about that piece of information. Thor nodded. “You heard the Thunder God, move people!  _Move_ !” Instead of groaning or any sort of displeased noises everyone soundlessly got off the ice as fast as possible leaning against the rail with what could only be described as incredible interest. “The rink is yours, Thor!”  
  
“Do you guys need a ref? Someone that could stand both of your attacks without caving in or curling into a ball of shattered pride?”  
  
“Thanks for the volunteer, Dad.” She stared at Natasha who shrugged. The two of them skated to their respective ends on the rink.  
  
Sighing a bit louder this time, Carol flew to the center of the rink. “What are the wages in this little whatever we got going on?”  
  
“What wages? We are simply battling.” They replied. Carol looked between them. It was the classic - _what the hell is wrong with you people?-_ look Natasha often wore. Only this time she was involved head-on in the craziness instead of being the one to bash skulls together if necessary to pacify the latest shenanigans; she was giving that job to Carol right now. Then again, Carol had the job more often than she did but at the same time Carol also participated in more craziness. Natasha was an Avenger after all; why not lose yourself in the madness every once in a while?  
  
“I’m not sure what to make of this...” Hank said coming to stand beside Steve who was leaning on the rail. “On the off hand, I’m certain this isn’t an actual duel of any sort. However, Natasha and Thor have never squared off against one another with anything.” Steve nodded at that. Any sort of group activity oddly  _always_ had Thor and Natasha on the same team and when they had the “every Avenger for themselves” scenario it was never those two left standing. This little “bout” would be very interesting to watch.  
  
Clint and Tony were perched atop Hulk’s shoulders on the other side of the railing cheering for Thor but other than that the cheers were pretty much split even. Steve heard chants for the pretty blond and the pretty redhead from those that weren’t familiar with the Avengers. It wasn’t that many but a lot of people took to calling Thor the pretty blond or the pretty buff guy.  
  
Thor wasn’t wearing his usual Asgardian clothes, he was decked out in “regular Midgardian wear.” A simple black shirt and a pair of jeans. Possibly due to high probably of falling on the ice no one was truly dressed fancy.  
  
Except if you included Steve with his damn Captain America uniform!  
  
The least they could have done was give him some spare clothes to change into because waking up dressed in something you were not wearing earlier was an experience Steve did not want to repeat. Sure, the Avengers got the hang of changing in front of one another and even showering together under the guise of “saving water” early on in their team forming but Steve wasn’t fond of being considered a prude simply due to him not sharing that sentiment. It wasn’t even a gender thing  _everyone_ changed in front of each other though more often than not Hank would shield Janet from wandering eyes.  
  
“We shoulda brought Sue.” Ben said sitting on one of the benches. Johnny nodded in agreement.  
  
“Wager or no wager there is going to be rules. No, and I mean absolutely  **no** , weapons.” She glanced at Natasha who gave her a subtle yet incredulous look.  
  
“She can use other people’s weapons as a weapon! Excluding Mjolnir.” The voice sounded like Clint so Natasha turned in his direction and sure enough the blond was avoiding her gaze.  
  
“I think I might be the only one but I feel like this needs some kind of dramatic background music going on...” Peter mused sitting on the rail with his legs dangling. “Or a backdrop.”  
  
“And  _that_ is why he is my assistant ladies and gentlemen!” Tony said proudly hopping off of Hulk’s shoulder patting Peter on the back.  
  
“I know Natasha doesn’t lose very often but picking a fight with Thor? That’s Clint level of stupidity.”  
  
“You know, I don’t even resent that.”  
  
Janet rolled her eyes, “as I was saying. Whether they’re fighting or skating the odds do not look in her favor. But because this is Natasha I’d say the odds are pretty close to even.”  
  
Tony glanced at her briefly. “Weren’t you just with Hank?”  
  
“Uh, hello? Power to shrink and fly? And are you nuts even insinuating that I would be next to Hank during a fight of all things? You know how crazy he gets when we train, Tony.  _Train._ If we’re next to one another he’s probably gonna go all  _-we should stop them Janet-_ then I’m going to go  _-and get myself_ _**killed** _ _are you out of your mind?!-_ and that is not how I want to spend my weekend thank you very much.” She sighed, “besides Cap is taking my place. And he could hold Hank down, if necessary.”  
  
“Is that some kind of fantasy for you?”  
  
Janet looked up at Clint, “what if it is?”  
  
Clint glanced at Hulk who stared back before grunting. “My thoughts exactly.”  
  
“Wait, is Cap holding down Hank your fantasy or  _you_ holding down Hank?”  
  
“Mind your own business.” She snapped folding her arms over her chest. Clint and Hulk shared a knowing look.  
  
“Hey, I’d gladly entail my fantasies, Jan.”  
  
“I’d rather you didn’t, Tony.”  
  
Tony shrugged, “your loss.” Then he turned back to the rink. Thor and Natasha were skating around the rink never breaking eye contact and neither of them slipping up in the slightest. It was oddly reminiscent of one of those old ‘80s films in which two groups were battling over some “turf” or whatnot. Great, now Tony had to put more training hours into someone, only this time it had to be the idiot that got Thor into these kind of movies too. Unless it was the same person with the Earth knowledge then they’d just be screwed training wise. You’d think a damn prince, a controller of the fucking weather, a character right out of every Shakespearean classic would enjoy tales of romance and heartbreak.  _Not_ trashy teenage musicals occasionally ending in some kind of miniature feud [i.e. the ‘turf war’] created by a misunderstanding of normal teenage idiocy. Still, they were better than the movies Bruce seemed to enjoy (slightly). Then again, Thor was anything but predictable. Except, you know, for the fact that he was going to beat the shit out of anyone that opposed him or his comrades/family.  
  
They kept skating and if one of them started snapping their fingers Tony was going to lose it.  
  
Carol deemed her safety a necessity and was no longer in the middle of the rink but was sitting next to Hank and Steve assessing whatever the hell these two were doing. Thor was in the air spinning. He wasn’t flying though no one would be able to tell since he was in the air kinda freaking long before a perfect landing. Some of the audience members made up signs giving him a ten.  
  
As Thor landed Natasha sped toward them then managed to flip over him and spun before perfectly landing on the ice skating backwards. Then the audience gave her a ten as well.  
  
“Wait!” Thor said stopping then Natasha skidded to a halt in front of him. It was so sudden she wobbled for a bit before regaining her composure. “Is this not Steven’s birthday?” Steve paled at that. “He should be out here instead of us!” Before Steve could protest Carol and Hank happily pushed him on the ice until he bumped into Thor. The crowd cheered waving their makeshift score signs.  
  
“Uh, I’m not really a fancy skater.”  
  
“That does not matter.” He nodded at Natasha who nodded back, “it is your birthday and the rink is yours to do whatever you see fit.” Then they skated off the ice together and they even managed to make that look graceful.  
  
All eyes were on Steve who took a deep breath. Do whatever he sought fit? At the moment there was only one thing he wanted to do. He crooked a finger toward Tony who froze. “Get over here, Stark. You still owe me a skate.” Then the crowd officially lost it: their cheers erupted to near eardrum splitting levels, their makeshift signs changed to things like  _“go on”_ and  _“you_ _ **cannot** _ _disappoint Captain America on his birthday.”_ How did they manage to fit that on a sign in the first place?  
  
Still, those damn signs were right. One could not disappoint Captain America on his birthday which, ironically so, was also a national holiday and expect not to be chastised  _severely_ . If not by your team/family then by Cap’s beloved sometimes overly obsessed fans.  
  
Besides, Tony had to move before someone came out of nowhere and pushed him; Thor had a particularly mischievous glint in his eyes – a clear indication that he’d been hanging around Clint too often. Steve skated over to him taking his hand. “Just five minutes then you guys are free to go back and skate.”  
  
“Better make that ten, Cap.” Natasha says with a nod.  
  
Steve smiles at her. “Ten minutes it is.” Then they skated off to the center of the rink.  
  
“They’re not gonna have sex on the ice are they? Because I would very much like to not lose this bet.” Clint winced as Natasha hit him over the head as did Thor. “Okay, ouch?”  
  
“You would jeopardize your comrades, your friends,  _your brothers_ happiness all for the sake of a bet?”  
  
“Damn Thor, when you put it like that it makes me sound like a dick of Stark’s level.”  
  
“You already are a dick of Stark’s level, Clint.”  
  
“Thanks, Tash, you are a gem.” He sighed, “I’m not trying to jeopardize anything and you trying to goad me isn’t gonna help since if this keeps up it’ll be closer to  _you_ winning than me.”  
  
“Nay. I will not provide distractions or anything of the sort in order to gain the upper hand.” Both Clint and Natasha exchange glances before raising an eyebrow at him. “I would be more than willing to pay up if I should lose but I believe I won’t especially if we allow nature to take its course. You Midgardians are so skittish, if you are backed into a corner you will flee so interfering is often more harm than good.”  
  
“Someone seriously needs to take those damn romantic dramas away from him.” Natasha nods in agreement.  
  
Meanwhile, Tony found himself still on the ice with Steve very pleased that he hadn’t fallen yet. Sure he slipped a few dozen times but Steve caught him before he could actually fall. This whole thing was nice, at certain points it almost felt like they were dancing together. Though Tony would  **never** voice that out loud especially since there were a few dozen people in this very area that would mock him to the very end of his existence if he ever did.  
  
The ten minute marker was winding down and people weren’t even sure if they wanted to go back and skate. The people seemed to come to an unanimous decision mentally –  _because they looked so damn cute!_ – to let Captain America and Iron Man have just a few more minutes skating to themselves. They took complete advantage of the fact that they were so immersed in skating with one another that it presented several good photo opportunities. Clint, no longer in skates and genuinely finding joy sneaking up on people (though it was slightly less joy than Natasha found), came around and offering random things for a good shot (or several) of the two of them together. Natasha soon followed, then Sam, Thor – who was surprisingly stealthy for a normally loud and overall large guy, Pepper, Rhodey and finally Bucky. They were so perfectly mapped out that one would not believe they didn’t even plan to go around hassling people for pictures of their friends. But why just take cute pictures of just those two? Pretty soon everyone in the building was exchanging contact information and pictures of the events that transpired throughout the afternoon. Especially of the Tony Stark daytime visible fireworks (patent pending).  
  
Johnny was particularly pissed when Ben forwarded a picture – and the corresponding  _video –_ of him getting pelted by water balloons to Sue who almost immediately replied about being informed the next time the Avengers got together for anything.  
  
Ben, then, got another reply from Sue who looped the video. He showed Johnny and he kept getting assaulted by the part that kept playing over and over was when he got up and a water balloon hit him right on the back causing him to fall back down. It helped a lot that the video was in slow motion.  
  
“My sister is a sadist!” He said groaning. “Don’t you dare send that to anyone else!”  
  
“Relax, half-pint, I won’t. Sue might though...” Johnny groaned louder at that.  
  
“Hey! Avengers!” Tony skated over, with Steve’s assistance, to the rail panting. “Skating wasn’t the only thing we had planned today.” He seemed to be getting better because he was no longer clutching the rail like a lifeline and was able to stand on his own and sway slightly. But Steve was holding his hand until they got to the rail.  
  
“Tony, no!” Pepper groaned. “This was a wonderful idea, wasn’t it Steve?” The blond nodded beaming adorably. His teeth were flashing so brilliantly that she needed a moment to recover. “I don’t think we need go-karts or batting cages—”  
  
“Batting cages? Slow down Potts, who said we’re not going to a batting cages?” Clint asked. “I  _live_ for the batting cages.”  
  
Natasha nodded, “it’s true. He does.”  
  
“Aye, what is this cage of batting you speak of and the going karts?”  
  
“Go karts.” Pepper corrected. “Tony seemed to have this ... _idea_ of you guys behaving like children playing games along Coney Island and going on rides—”  
  
“You can’t deny this! Deny  _us_ this, Pepper! We’re  _starving_ for playing.”  
  
“And Coney Island hot dogs of course.” Sam pipped in receiving a few dozen nods.  
  
Pepper sighed, “fine! Go play your games but return your skates to the owner!” Everyone all but ran over to the counter.  
  
Rhodey clamped a hand on her shoulder grinning once everyone was out of an earshot. “Right around your finger, Potts.”  
  
“You played your part pretty well too, James.”  
  
Rhodey shrugged, “I’ve picked up a thing or two from Tone.”  
  
“So that whole thing just now was staged?”  
  
“Yup.” Tony grinned taking Steve’s hand as they stepped off the ice and onto the hard, non slippery ground. He’d kiss it if it weren’t so damn dirty... and sticky. “I’m pretty sure everyone would have stayed until closing time but why go to Coney Island and just skate?”  
  
“So you got Pepper to corral you?”  
  
“As usual.” She said with a grin. “ _But_ James is usually on my side whenever Tony’s plans get too chaotic so for a nice change of pace we had him play against me so the Avengers would take his side forcing me to cave.” She shrugged. “I’ll admit I had my doubts but look how nice its playing out.” Damn near everyone filed out of the rink.  
  
“Looks like you got a few fans willing to fill a couple of extra seats, lets see how many people you bring into this mess once we hit the batting cages or the roller coasters.”  
  
Tony, now thankfully in shoes, patted Rhodey on the back. “We’re going to find out. However, I have the feeling you won’t like it, Rhodes.”  
  
“That makes two of us, Stark.”

 

++  
  
Turns out, it was a lot easier than they expected to get Thor into bumper cars. Not  _into_ into, because once Clint explained the concept he was more than excited, but like physically inside of a bumper car. Having said that, the Asgardian probably would not be recommended to get an actual license any time in the near future.  
  
Thor drove the same way he did anything else – reckless,  _loud_ and generally crazy. And the guy was having  _way_ too much fun ramming into other people and had equal amounts of fun taking hits that seemed to do absolutely no damage to him. Sometimes the other bumper car drivers would gang up on Thor attacking him from all possible angles and even then he’d manage to free himself and return the favor.  
  
It was even more amusing getting Hulk and Ben into a bumper car. Tony was sure he’d have to pay hundreds or even thousands worth of damages with Hulk, Thor and Ben beating the absolute hell out of everyone in their tiny little cars but the damage they caused surprisingly stayed in the cars... without breaking said cars.  
  
This went on for quite a while, everyone taking turns because there were too many damn people and not enough bumper cars. At one point, Thor was in for about five different turns because he got stuck in his bumper car and before anyone noticed the next round would start up.  
  
The big guy didn’t seem to mind though so that was that.  
  
But even bumper cars got boring after about an hour of repetition so the batting cages were up next. Actually, this would probably be the best time to sing happy birthday and shovel some cake into their mouths before it got too dark. The batting cages arena had lights around it.  
  
The sky was still somewhat light so it was perfect to set the cake outdoors on a table with everyone behind Steve cheering as the cake was being situated by Pepper and Natasha. Janet tilted her head at the candles on the table. “How old is Cap, by the way? I mean, I know he’s like ninety something but physically? What is his current non frozen age?”  
  
Bucky frowned, “he should be about twenty-eight.”  
  
Janet gasped, “you’re kidding!?”  
  
“Nope.” Tony replied. “Steve’s birth certificate says 1920 which would, mathematically speaking, make him chronologically ninety-four years old today.” Janet whistled, “but he was frozen in ‘45 and defrosted in ‘11 which puts that at about sixty-six years. Ergo, he is physically twenty-eight.”  
  
“So, he’s younger than most of us but still technically older? Or is he technically younger but still older?” Tony turns to Clint then shrugs.  
  
“You guys must realize that I can hear everything you’re saying, right?”  
  
“Then you can help us.” Sam said beaming. “ _Them_ , I mean, because you’re older than me regardless. But you are physically younger although actually older than most of the group.” Sam got a couple of grunts for confirmation. “I guess you could just word it that way.”  
  
“Step away from the birthday boy, Greenhorn.” Natasha said moving Sam aside, “so am I putting up ninety-four or twenty-eight candles? We have to make up for sixty-six birthdays here...”  
  
“Put up...” Tony frowned, “fuck this is confusing. Which would you prefer Steve?”  
  
“Personally, I wouldn’t mind both but either or is fine.” He shrugged, “you guys didn’t really obsess over candles last year...” At that, Tony got several glares sent his way. And really, why were they glaring at him? They should be damn happy he even put together a party that last minute! No one knew Steve’s age – sure they knew he was on ice for more years than most of them were alive but no one knew the exact year it happened or for how long (at least off the top of their heads). Hell, they didn’t even know his birthday was July 4 th until he made some off-hand comment about it, jokingly! Which prompted everyone to go crazy trying to put something together for the next day! They didn’t have ninety plus candles to put up so they just put one since it was the first birthday he was celebrating with them.  
  
It was a month later that Tony saw Steve’s driver’s license with his birth year of 1920. Tony learned two things that day: one, Steve was old as hell yet looked unbelievably good for a ninety-three year old man; and two, the blond had absolutely no problem telling people he was as old as dirt. A few days after that he received a copy of Steve’s birth certificate –  _why_ ? He still did not know.  
  
So, this year, twenty-six single candles were spread out all over the cake and the numerical nine and four were in the center in between the lettering that said:  _Have The Happiest of Birthdays Captain Steve_ . If Tony and Clint had their design input the greeting would be something more festive/appropriate/kickass and not so Thor-like but Natasha wasn’t having any of their bullshit. The cake was not red, white, or blue which everyone was silently grateful for.  
  
Off-key crooning was heard all around as Steve blew out all twenty eight candles in one go. Empty plates materialized out of nowhere and Bucky helped Steve fill them with cake then pass them around.  
  
“Why is my cake melting?” Thor frowned at the half-melted cake now dripping from his spoon.  
  
“Dude, it’s ice cream and it’s hot. It’s gonna melt.” Sam replied before putting his spoon into his mouth.  
  
“This cake is also ice cream then?”  
  
“No, the cake  _is_ ice cream.”  
  
“Is that not what I said?” Clint replies by putting the spoon of misshapen, melted ice cream in Thor’s mouth. Sam looks on with interest as Thor furrows his eyebrows once his mouth is empty. “I thought it was customary to indulge in cake alongside ice cream. Was that not what we did for your birthday last month?”  
  
Sam glances at Clint who shrugs. “Yeah...” The blond replies, “but this is an ice cream cake, it’s the best of both worlds.”  
  
“How? This is merely ice cream  _shaped like a cake_ therefore it could not be the ‘best of both worlds.’”  
  
Sam glanced at Clint again who tilted his head. “I guess you have a point.” Sam replied, “but who doesn’t love ice cream?”  
  
“People with lactose allergies?”  
  
He turns to Clint before sighing. “Aside from them and they have lactose free ice cream.” Clint makes some kind of noise at that. “We’ll get some cake just because later on.”  
  
“That is acceptable.” Thor scooped some more ice cream into his mouth. “And even melted this ice cream is delightful.” Sam and Clint clinked their spoons together in a cheer.  
  
After several more face stuffing minutes, the Avengers and the remnants of the ice cream made their way to the batting cages. Pepper, who had not indulged crazily with ice cream cake, stepped into the cage scowling. Her assistant was in the box next to her then Carol was in the one next to Jessica. In fact, all the boxes were filled with girls at the moment: Ava, Natasha, Janet and Jen – who switched out of her “She-Hulk” appearance going in as “Regular Jen” claiming she’d have an unfair advantage in the cages. Carol possessed super strength, but the blonde wasn’t about to argue.  
  
Three minutes into the cages and not getting a single hit, Jen figured fuck advantages and She-Hulked out hitting an oncoming ball with her fist sending it flying across her space earning some cheers. Carol turned to her grinning, “so we’re forgoing bats? I can do that.” Cracking her knuckles, the blonde dropped her bat and had a particularly maniac grin going on as she punched one of the oncoming balls sending it flying almost as far as Jen did.  
  
“I am so not following suit!” Janet says then meeps as a fast ball flies by her face. Hell, she didn’t even like baseball and had no intention of even getting into this damn thing but Hank in all his nerdy adorableness cheered her on. Several other people did it too but none of them mattered.  
  
The time in the batting cages went on in a blur, but Janet noticed Pepper seemed a bit more pissed than usual once she exited. “There are only seven cages, are we to take turns?”  
  
“Sure Thor, wait – _whoa_ ! You cannot take the hammer in with you.” Thor looked down at the hammer hanging off his waist. No one was able to lift that thing so blond Hank took a tentative step back because last time someone told Thor he had to drop Mjolnir he literally dropped it – on that person’s foot. Like that time, Thor did it again but it hit the floor putting a miniature crater in it. “You can get a bat.” Natasha walked over to him handing him a bat, which he thanked her for before examining it.  
  
“And I am supposed to hit these baseballs with this thing?”  
  
Hank nodded, “it’ll be fine. You’ve seen baseball games on TV before right?” There were so many sports fans among the Avengers someone had to school Thor on baseball. Though things got particularly frightful when football season came around. Sports rivalries were absolutely nothing to take lightly – especially around a house full of super-powered, short-tempered individuals.  
  
Hank managed to know close to every rule about the sports watched in the tower (which were: football, hockey, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, volleyball, racing, and golf; respectively) without ever watching a single game!  
  
“Aye.” Thor swung the bat awkwardly. “Are you certain I cannot use Mjolnir?”  
  
“I am certain.”  
  
Thor nodded then walked into the cage. Janet flew over to Hank landing on his shoulder, “how bad do you think Thor will do?”  
  
When the machine fired the first ball Thor swung and the bat slipped from his hands flying over to the machine. Hank grimaced, “about that bad.”

 


	4. Emma Frost should come with a warning (or at least an advisory)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the neutral and occasional X-Men is on the move; Spider-Woman is far more popular than her male counterpart, Black Cat is truly nothing but trouble and Nova is just an unfortunate tourist along for the ride.

Black Cat loomed overhead grinning. “This partnership worked out pretty well, Kid.”  
  
“I agree.” Spider-Woman says beaming, then frowns. “Not about the kid part, though.” Black Cat shrugged, “but otherwise... yeah, so, wanna officially team up?”  
  
“And have Taskmaster e-mailing me death threats? No thanks. That guy has serious pseudo daughter issues. You’re not secretly his daughter right? There is no other way he could be so damn attached to you. He’s going a bit out there for just a minion.”  
  
Spider-Woman shrugged, “cutting my traumatic/ _dramatic_ life story short. I got a severe case of memory loss—” She taps her head, “first thing I remember is doing grunt work with Hydra when Taskmaster found me whipped me into shape, then training me when I broke out.”  
  
“ _You_ were a Hydra goon? Yeah, don’t really think green is your color.”  
  
“Painted my uniform red.” She said with a grin. “The nonconformist in me. Head’s up, he’s starting to move.”  
  
Black Cat looked down stomping her foot on Spider-Man’s chest. “Rude! We’re trying to have a conversation, Webs.” She rolled her eyes, “as you were saying?”  
  
“Yeah, uh, that’s pretty much it. It’s been like months since I’ve been working with— _for—_ Taskmaster. Hydra must’ve been pretty happy to get rid of me because they haven’t once come looking for me. Also, despite what boss may say Deadpool helped a lot too.”  
  
Black Cat huffed, “Deadpool doesn’t help with anything.”  
  
“Got your ass out of jail.”  
  
Spider-Man groaned looking at the sky secretly wishing they’d just kill him already instead of talking about nothing! Was this some new torture scheme? They had to be at this for at least half an hour! Black Cat, as per the norm, was robbing a jewelry store. You’d think a supervillain would be a bit more original? But no, she was a jewel thief first and supervillain second. As he managed to  ~~ somehow ~~ defeat her and return the jewel to its rightful place here comes Spider-Woman flying into him releasing Black Cat from his webs, shocking him to a state of semi-conscious twitching with her damn venom blasts. Which led him to right now. According to Spider-Woman, her pheromones still weren’t working against him but she took what she could get.  
  
“What are we gonna do with him? He’s far too much fun to just kill. I look forward to my bi-weekly interventions with the spider thank you very much.”  
  
“Can’t kill him anyway, supposed to take him back to the boss.”  
  
Black Cat rolled her eyes, “never pegged the all-powerful Taskmaster for a fucking spider enthusiast. What’s next? He’s gonna start hanging around Black Widow?”  
  
“No, but I heard he and the first Ant-Man got along pretty well.” Spider-Woman grinned as Black Cat sighed. “They used to sext and everything.”  
  
“I sincerely hope you are joking.” A pause. “And that you said  _text_ .” Black Cat deadpanned then bent down to pick Spider-Man up by the front of his costume, with him twitching occasionally. “You two are the same size.”  
  
“We shop at the same spandex spider store.” Black Cat made a noncommittal noise at that. “Oh! You mean we’re the same  _height_ !?” Black Cat let him on the floor so Spider-Woman could stand in front of him. “Yup. Twinzies!” Spider-Woman cooed. “I’m slightly taller though~”  
  
“It’s nonexistent.”  
  
“How could you say it’s nonexistent!?”  
  
“How could you  _not_ ?”  
  
“You don’t think—”  
  
“Can you focus on—”  
  
“ _Look out!_ ” They turned around in time to get blasted by  _something_ sending them both a few feet away _._ But hey Black Cat managed to drop Spider-Man in the process so he wasn’t about to complain. Unless whatever that was aimed at him next.  
  
“Spidey!” Spider-Man looked up at Nova floating in front of him grinning – it was a  _huge_ grin, like the Grinch but far less sinister and a lot more teeth _._ “Remember me? I know it’s been like two weeks but—” He gently moved Spider-Man aside to blast Black Cat as she was getting up. “—as I was saying, it’s been two weeks. Or was it longer? Anyway, had to tie up some loose ends but I’m back and getting to see you again is a bonus!  _And_ we can team-up!” He could have been bouncing but the kid was still floating so Spider-Man wasn’t exactly sure.  
  
Spider-Woman got to her feet, “what’s with the bucket, Kid?” Black Cat got up stretching, Spider-Woman winced when she heard something crack.  
  
“It isn’t a  _bucket_ , lady. It’s a Nova Corps helmet!  
  
“Nova Corps?” Spider-Woman and Black Cat exchange glances. Which made Spider-Man a little weary since he was probably the only costumed person to never hear of this Nova Corps. Was there some kind of website he could go on for this information? Or did he have to leave it to Google? “A runt like you—” Black Cat yelped as Spider-Woman pulled her just before Nova could blast her again. “You fucking—”  
  
“Easy...” Spider-Woman grinned, “wanna throw shit at people, Kid?” She held her hand up firing a venom blast that Nova dodged.  
  
“You  _have_ heard of the Nova Corps, haven’t you? I’m assuming you have since you work for Taskmaster. If you’re trying that pheromone shit you might as well stop. Nothing gets passed that helmet.”  
  
“Said it wouldn’t work on you but we know how that turned out.” Black Cat huffed scowling. “Kid, what are you?  _Twelve_ ? Why don’t you go back to the playground where you belong and leave the fighting to the grown-ups?”  
  
Nova growled trying to fly at her but Spider-Man held him back. He knew all too well about that whole age obsession/distraction ploy. That was years ago (but Spider-Man did still get lip from most of the villains and even some heroes), however Nova had to be no older than when Spider-Man first started out; though he  _could_ have been younger. Not one to be a hypocrite, he wasn’t going to stop Nova from fighting but he  _was_ going to stop him from jumping into a fight he couldn’t win. If he flew right at Spider-Woman with Black Cat beside her special shiny bucket or not he’d get mutilated.  
  
“What are you doing?! Let me go!”  
  
“Relax Nova, she’s trying to get a rise out of you.” Uh-oh, spider sense started tingling. “Hey, can you fly with me on you?”  
  
“What do you take me for?”  
  
“So, can you do it...  _like right now!?”_ Nova, evidently, didn’t need to be told twice  ~~ – a third time – ~~ because he hovered as a venom blast whizzed by his head. Stupid late reacting spider sense! One day he was going to pick apart his brain and fix it!  
  
“I really wish I had like a whip or something.”  
  
“Kinky.” Black Cat rolled her eyes then nudged Spider-Woman. “Huh? Right!” She held up both hands firing venom blasts at them. “You two should be happy pretty girls are paying attention to you!”  
  
“I wouldn’t really consider this the kind of attention I deserve nor appreciate!”  
  
“Always the comedian, aren’t you?”  
  
“It’s something to fall back on when this hero thing goes bust.”  
  
“You—”  
  
“Get me in the air.”  
  
Spider-Woman glanced at her with a frown still firing. “Listen sister, I cannot fly as fast as a Nova Corps member. Hell, I can barely fly for long. I’m sure even the baby unlocked a few of the helmet’s secrets.”  
  
“You hang around Taskmaster  _way_ too often.”  
  
“Uh, work for?”  
  
“Yeah, that. And I don’t need you to keep up with them just throw me at them.”  
  
“So you can miss and become a nice fur rug in the middle of Flushing? I do not know if you realize this – and I don’t know how you wouldn’t – but seeing as how we’re on top of a building that might not be the best strategy. Let’s face facts, I do not have any other females to team up with B.C., I mean I worked with Deadpool, Taskmaster, Punisher—”  
  
“ _You_ teamed up with  _The Punisher_ !?” Both Spider-Man and Black Cat asked yelling.  
  
Spider-Woman let out an exasperated sigh. “ _Yes_ ! It was a long story and do not interrupt me! My point is— _oh the hell with it_ !” Black Cat gave an emphatic yell as Spider-Woman grabbed her by the shoulders and all but flung her in Nova and Spider-Man’s direction. What she nor Black Cat did not expect was Spider-Man webbing Black Cat in mid air in a full body cocoon gripping the string before he webbed her in the same fashion.  
  
“Damn Spidey, you are amazing! Thorough too.”  
  
“Thanks, now we gotta get them to jail before they break free.”  
  
“Or suffocate.”  
  
“Right, that too.” Nova nodded then sped off.  
  
++  
  
When Spider-Man flying with some kid in a shiny bucket dropped two people sized web cocoons in front of the police station it wasn’t exactly surprising. Well, the bucket wearing kid giving Spider-Man a lift was a bit unusual, but it wasn’t the first time Spider-Man sent the police a nice little gift in the form of a webbed criminal or two. Nevertheless, the cops hauled the cocoons into a cell.  
  
One of the cops stopped in front of the cell watching the unmoving cocoons more than just a little apprehensively. “Shouldn’t we  _unwrap_ whoever are in those things?”  
  
“Last time we did that we had to flag down Spider-Man to reseal the guy.” The cop beside him said scowling.  
  
Maria Hill walked over to the cell opening it. “Stand aside boys, this is official business.” The cops nodded then complied. A few S.H.I.E.L.D. agents grabbed the cocoons then nodded at the cops before walking off. She frowned exiting the police station. Spider-Man was a good asset to the community, one that would be better working with S.H.I.E.L.D., but he had to know supervillains like Black Cat and Spider-Woman didn’t belong in prison where they could break out on a whim. Even if Black Cat only robbed a jewelry store she and her little friend weren’t meant to go to prison, not when there were perfectly good holding cells in the Helicarrier. “Let’s move out.”  
  
Maria nods to the guards by the doors then reached for the passenger’s side of the truck door. As soon as she opened said door the truck exploded hurling her and a few of her guards to the wall, streets or back into the station. Cops came barreling out of the station with their guns aimed at the smoking truck carefully walking up to and around it.  
  
When the smoke cleared there stood Elektra atop the damaged truck with Spider-Woman and Black Cat freed from their web cocoons; the two women at her sides sharing equally maniac grins while Elektra remained expressionless. The cops aimed their guns higher and Elektra threw a sai at every single cop knocking their guns out of their hands. Spider-Woman gave an appreciative whistle before grabbing both Elektra and Black Cat by their waists jumping off the truck.  
  
“Don’t let them get away!” Maria yelled. Cops scrambled to get their footing then charged after the trio.  
  
“We’re not seriously going to try and outrun the cops, are we?”  
  
“Elektra, babe, relax? Spidey’s got this.” She turned around and the cops immediately stopped. “ _Yes!_ Now my pheromones work! I was a bit worried there and—”  
  
“Stop babbling and  _do something_ !” Black Cat screams.  
  
“Alright!” Spider-Woman cleared her throat. “So, here’s the deal... you guys are gonna be dolls and let us escape, okay? Oh and make it look like we put up one hell of a fight so beat yourselves up a bit. Make it look real convincing.” She saluted then scaled the side of the building with Black Cat grabbing Elektra before following suit.  
  
++  
  
When Peter got to the Tower it was in an unusual state of quiet. That Maria Hill lady from the arrow projector a few weeks ago was sitting on the couch with her arms folded over her chest. Pepper was on the couch as well looking through a folder. “Hi, Peter.” She said not looking up.

 

As Maria was looking at him Peter noticed she looked kinda beat up. Like narrowly escaping an explosion beat up. “Who is this kid, again?”

 

“Tony’s assistant.” She said flipping through the folder, “and Bruce’s. Bruce officially hired him last week though Tony is still the one that metaphorically signs his paycheck.”

 

Maria nodded, “how old are you, kid?”

 

“Twenty.”

 

“ _What?_ ” Pepper dropped her folder staring wide-eyed at him. Maria stared too but her facial expression was blank. Yeah, not exactly the first time he got that reaction... either of them.

 

“Hill?” Clint groaned and turned around only to come face to face with Natasha, which caused him to turn back around and approach the couch, because she was pushing him forward. “To what do we owe this _honor_?”

 

“Spider-Woman is becoming a real pain in S.H.I.E.L.D.’s ass. Yet there is no known record of her.” Maria sighed. “This afternoon, just a few hours ago, Spider-Man caught her and Black Cat and sent them to prison but Elektra busted them out before we could take them to the Helicarrier.”

 

Peter gulped. That wasn’t good. If Spider-Woman worked for Taskmaster, affiliated herself with Deadpool, and teamed up with Black Cat  _and_ Elektra – she was certifiable trouble. Or certifiably surrounded by trouble. None of those people were exactly good guys with Black Cat being the only full-time villain while the other three remained neutral: their “alignment” depended on price or in Elektra’s case – motive.

 

“I _also_ got several calls about some bucket wearing kid flying around Brooklyn and Queens.” Clint and Natasha exchanged glances.  
  
“Did you say bucket?” Bruce asks wandering into the living room wiping his hands with a napkin. When Clint nods, he frowns. “Oh...” Bruce’s frown deepens, “yeah... I see. Uh, Tony?” Tony stuck his head out of the kitchen. “I think your little friend is lost _again._ ”  
  
“Wha—”  
  
“I’m here, I’m not fired am I?” Jessica stepped into the living room with her hair tied up neatly in a ponytail. “This place has _stairs_ , that is so weird! I climbed like thirty floors to get here.”  
  
“Never thought stairs would get that kind of reaction from someone.” Natasha gives a one-shoulder shrug, “um, who is this girl?”  
  
Grinning, she walked over to Clint extending her hand. “Jessica Drew, assistant of Ms. Pepper Potts, working here for almost two full weeks.” Clint nodded then shook her hand, she turned to Natasha who also shook her hand. “I was at that big skating thing on the fourth but it was too crazy to start introducing myself. Come to think of it, I think that’s when I got hired...”  
  
She turned around then flinched as Tony stared down at her. “You survived a holiday with the Avengers and haven’t run for the hills?”  
  
“What does that say about your assistant, Stark?” Natasha tilted her head, “he was there too. And he survived _two_ dinners and a holiday.” Jessica whistled. “In the same week.”  
  
“I am in awe. Like speechless, I’m gonna start to babble anyway awe.”  
  
“It says, _Natasha_ , that Pete is fearless. He met Barton on his first day and did not cry.” Clint stuck his tongue out. “Rhodey had three would-be assistants not make it past their interview because they met Barton. Three grown-ass men, one of which was an ex-marine, burst into _tears_ because of that man right there.” Clint gasped pointing to himself feigning shock. “According to Rhodey, Barton stared Peter down for a full ten minutes before he got bored.”  
  
“Who got bored? Clint or Peter?”  
  
“Both.” Clint said locking his hands behind his head. “He even tried to engage in conversation. Aimed an arrow at the kid and he did not flinch. I’m wishing I had shit to do so he could be my assistant.”  
  
Peter shrugged as everyone stared at him. He wasn’t fearless (quite the contrary actually) he didn’t flinch because his spider sense hadn’t gone off. _Although_ , it might have been stupid because it could have just given a delayed reaction that could have given him an arrow to the eye or something. And even without his spider sense his reflexes would (hopefully) have been more than enough for him to dodge if necessary. Whenever he and Clint were hanging out his spidey sense never acted up even if the man had his quiver filled to the brink with so many types of arrows.  
  
“Probably for the best that you got someone younger instead of an old man to be your assistant. Someone needs energy being able to put up with you.” Tony frowned. “Also, if he doesn’t cry being around Clint the kid would make a good S.H.I.E.L.D. agent.” Natasha nodded at Peter. “It’s been a while since I trained a junior agent.”  
  
“Down, Romanoff.” Clint elbowed her in the arm.  
  
Maria rubbed her face with her hands. “No one is going to be anything if we don’t catch Spider-Woman. If she’s out freeing and working with supervillains then she’s a bigger threat than we thought.”  
  
“Didn’t you just say Elektra busted them out?” Clint asked.  
  
Jessica tilted her head, “wait a sec... Spider- _Woman_? I thought there was only Spider-Man?”  
  
“We all thought that, kid. This Spider-Woman comes out of the woodwork in her form fitting spandex suit flaunting—” Clint winced as Natasha elbowed him in the ribs, “what was I saying?”  
  
“You were talking about spiders in form fitting spandex suits.” Jessica deadpans.  
  
“Ah, right—”  
  
“But doesn’t Spider-Man also have a form fitting spandex suit?” Natasha asks, raising an eyebrow.  
  
“Yeah but he’s like twelve and I’d probably go to jail just having this conversation, Nat, so I’d rather we not.” Natasha shrugged, but Clint saw the smirk on her face.  
  
“Spider-Man isn’t twelve.” Peter blurted out eyes widening when everyone stared at him. “He’s gotta be _at least_ seventeen, right? Eighteen...? Possibly twenty? I don’t know.”  
  
“Well you’re a baby yourself so I understand why you’d get defensive but Spidey can’t possibly be older than fourteen, hell even that’s pushing it. I have socks older than Spider-Man, a couple broken arrowheads too.”  
  
“Do we need to discuss why you keep broken arrowheads again, Barton?”  
  
Clint sighed heavily, “no, Natasha, we don’t.”  
  
“You know...” Tony tapped his chin. “Peter makes a lot of sense.”  
  
Peter gulped. “I-I do?”  
  
“Obviously.” Bruce replied. “Spider-Man has been around for about five years slipping through wherever, in and out of New York fighting crime. He doesn’t look any bigger when he first started out so I doubt he started before he hit puberty.”  
  
Clint shrugs. “He could have been an early bloomer, lots of kids start at nine.”  
  
Tony and Bruce exchange glances with the latter frowning. “Possible, though unlikely. Whatever made Spider-Man into Spider-Man might not have affected his growth, at the same time it might have. We don’t know. But it’s best to conclude he’s probably seventeen or eighteen like Peter says... if we base it on the national average of children hitting puberty in the last twenty or so years.”  
  
“Where are you getting this information?”  
  
“From books?”  
  
“They still have those?” Natasha sighed smacking him upside his head. “What is it with you abusing me?”  
  
“Mainly because you deserve it.” Everyone, safe from Jessica, recited. Peter had gotten used to that over the past two weeks but what he wasn’t used to was keeping his damn mouth shut! For twenty years his mouth continued to slip away from him. That S.H.I.E.L.D. thing _obviously_ wanted data on Spider-Man and he just put the bloodhounds on the right trail. Stupid age sensitivity! Most people killed to look or be seen as looking younger. Though being told you look like a child would grate on almost everyone’s nerves eventually. Anyway, time for a tactic Peter was also good at: switching conversations.  
  
“Where is everyone, by the way?”  
  
“Hm? Oh, Stark Mansion has been officially remodeled, re-fixed or whatever so everyone is back there.” Tony announced proudly. “ _However_ , some people are too damn fond of the tower and can’t decide whether they want to live in the mansion or here.”  
  
“Oh... yeah, no, I’m not really following.”  
  
“The Avengers lived in Stark—” Bruce paused, “no wait, _Avengers_ Mansion for almost two years before the Wrecking Crew, well, wrecked the building under orders by someone. I can’t remember. They tried to get us but we got out mostly unscathed. Anyway, most of us had no choice but to live here until it got fixed. But why just fix things when you can make them better?”  
  
“You said what I was going to say.”  
  
“I’m perfectly aware.”  
  
“That’s just mean, Brucie.”  
  
“Okay, so, am I working _here_ or at this mansion place I’ve never heard of?”  
  
“You work wherever Pep works.” Jessica tilts her head then nods. “Speaking of work... I had to move most of my stuff to the mansion.” He glanced at Pepper who shrugged. “So who is up for a little field trip?”  
  
Both Peter and Jessica rose their hands, “Me! I ...am?” They glance at one another.  
  
Clint laughed, “they’re so adorable.”  
  
++  
  
Frowning, Jessica locked her hands behind her head as the group took “a field trip” down to Stark— _Avengers—_ Mansion. It wasn’t that far from Stark Tower but everywhere in New York was within walking distance; almost everywhere. The _problem_ , if it could be called that, was the strange looks Peter kept giving her. Ever since they bumped into one another trying to get into the elevator he kept glancing at her strangely.  
  
He was a few steps ahead of her behind Clint and Tony who were arguing. He looked over his shoulder at her and before he could turn back she grabbed his arm but subtly so no one else would notice. “Why do you keep staring at me?”  
  
“I-I’m _not_?”  
  
“Uh, yeah, you are.”  
  
“Oh. I didn’t realize.” He frowned. “Is it bothering you?”  
  
“Uh, a little?” She let go of his arm.  
  
“You know, you wouldn’t notice I’m staring at you if you weren’t staring back at me.”  
  
“Damn, you have a point.” She frowned as he grinned at her. “Alright stop grinning.” Huffing, she walked a few steps ahead glancing to her right as he fell into step with her. “Exactly what do you do as both Tony and Doctor Bruce’s assistant?”  
  
“Uh... experiment? See, Tony works on machines and things like robots and computers and whatever while Doctor B works on, I don’t know, real life science things like people. I kinda like both so I help them with both.”  
  
“That was the most vague explanation I’ve ever heard.”  
  
“Yeah... what about you? Personal assistant to Ms. Potts. That’s gotta be cool.”  
  
“I suppose. I just putter after her keeping her sane when she deals with Avenger business through Tony.” She shrugged. “Not much different than my other job.”  
  
“Other job?”  
  
“Huh? Oh, you know as a college student.” She grinned. “Jobs a plenty, ya know?” She sighed as he nodded slowly. “So many jobs... so what do you do when you’re not here?”  
  
“I’m a college student myself; I’m also a part-time photographer work at the Daily Bugle but business has been so _ssssssllllllllooooooowwwww_.” He groaned. “I’m like on call or whatever. Part of the reason why I’m always here. I should be grateful there hasn’t been a lot of supervillains gumming up the works but I can’t help feeling antsy.”  
  
“Just waiting for some kind of monster brawl to snap pictures, huh? Kinda cool.” A loud off-key tune made her pause, making Peter stop too. “Thought I turned this thing off...” She fished the phone out of her pocket then paled slightly.  
  
“Is everything—”  
  
“Everything’s cool, one hundred percent copacetic. I gotta take this but I’ll catch up with you guys?” Peter nodded skeptically before walking off. Once he was out an earshot and the streets were cleared she pressed the talk button. “Really Felicia, you call me _now_?”  
  
“ _Why, you busy?_ ”  
  
“Kind of? I’m at work.”  
  
“ _I don’t see you—_ ”  
  
“ _Work,_ work, Felicia; like actual, physical, I’m getting paid for this kind of work.”  
  
“ _Ah... because you don’t get paid from your other job?_ ”  
  
“I’m hanging up—”  
  
“ _No, wait! I was thinking about that team up suggestion?_ ”  
  
“Now is definitely not a good time.”  
  
“ _Ugh!_ ” Felicia groaned. “ _What is with you and the whole ‘secret identity’ bullshit, Jess? Wouldn’t it be better just having one life?_ ”  
  
“Maybe for you but I’m perfectly content ‘having the whole double life thing going on.’”  
  
“ _Hey, suit yourself. It’ll get hella messy when it gets discovered. Do you have any idea how long S.H.I.E.L.D. was on my ass before they discovered my identity? Six years, Jess. Know how long Spider-_ Man _has his identity secret from S.H.I.E.L.D.?_ Five _years, I give them another year before they discover who he is._ ”  
  
“Well shit, Felicia, do _you_ know who Spider-Man is?”  
  
“ _Of course I do._ ”  
  
Jessica blinked at her phone. “Excuse me? You do!?”  
  
“ _Yeah. I know his identity, he knows mine too._ ”  
  
“Everyone in the tri-state area knows your identity!”  
  
“ _Not true. Only S.H.I.E.L.D. and the local authorities know my identity._ ” Jessica furrowed her eyebrows as she heard Felicia click her tongue, “ _and my girlfriend._ ”  
  
“Yeah, you— you flirt with me when you’re already taken?!” She can just hear Felicia shrugging. “Listen, we’ll talk more later. Okay? I gotta go.” Felicia huffed out something but Jessica didn’t hear it and the white-haired woman hung up before Jessica could ask. Oh well.  
  
Pocketing her phone, Jessica resumed her walk. By the time she reached the gates of Stark Mansion Jessica stared in absolute awe. This place wasn’t as big as Stark Tower and if she wasn’t told ahead of time she was pretty sure she wouldn’t recognize it but even if it wasn’t big it sure was fancy looking. “Name, please.” Jessica jumped then turned to the glowing red virtual eyeball thing near the gate. “Name, please.” It repeated.  
  
“And now the gate is talking to me.” She cleared her throat, “uh, Jessica Drew?” The eyeball freakishly rotated then blinked then it closed for a few seconds before opening.  
  
“Name not found.”  
  
“Of course it’s not. Listen, I don’t want trouble. Please do not shoot me with lasers. I...”  
  
“Name, please.”  
  
“I already gave you my name!”  
  
“Name, please.”  
  
“Shit, what do you want? I—”  
  
“Name, please.”  
  
“A— _Peter Parker_!”  
  
She hesitated, wincing a little as the eyeball did its freaky rotating a bit slower than last time then blinked a few times before turning green. “Name accepted.”  
  
Grinning, Jessica strode through the opening gate. “Gotta work on that voice recognition~” She whistled walking up the walkway. “Time to see if this bad boy is as nice on the inside.”  
  
“Jessica!” Frowning, she turned around watching a black-haired woman sprinting toward her – more accurately the closing gate. Jessica could only watch as the woman managed to squeeze through the gate before it fully closed. “Damn, I’m good.” She winced as the brunette hit her. “What was that for?”  
  
“Idiot! The damn Avengers are inside this building.” She hissed. “Plus I’m sure there are cameras all around!”  
  
“Tell them I’m an Olympic class track star or something.”  
  
“More like you’re an Olympic class dumbass.” She linked arms with her. “Let’s introduce you to my boss and these crazy people before you get me fired.”  
  
“That’s the spirit!” They stepped up to the closed door. “So... do we knock or what? Is there a doorbell, how does this work exactly?” Rolling her eyes Jessica rang the doorbell in the center of the door. “Ah!”  
  
The door opened revealing a brunette. “Oh! Hey, Jessica! Who is your friend?”  
  
“This is Felicia, she stalked— I mean saw me coming this way and decided to tag along.”  
  
“Right. Well come inside.” The brunette pulled them along. “So, I’m Janet by the way.”  
  
“Nice to meet you.” They walked behind Janet elbowing one another often until they reached this enormous hallway. Felicia whistled. “You got a housekeeper? I would love to work here.”  
  
“Tony has robots for that sort of thing. Or rather he _did_ but Steve got all crazy and said since we’re living here we gotta clean up the place ourselves.” Janet sighed, “I didn’t leave _my_ apartment where I had to clean up after myself to come here and do the same thing.” She shook her head, “but I guess its okay. Everyone’s in the kitchen, which, if you can believe it, is bigger than the one in Stark Tower.”  
  
True to form, the kitchen was freaking huge! So huge in fact, it comfortably fit about fifty people. Maybe more – but neither Jessica nor Felicia bothered with a head count to see just how many people were in the area walking around not bumping into one another or a counter or something. “This is as big as my apartment.” Felicia hissed.  
  
“I’ve been to your apartment, this kitchen is almost twice the size.”  
  
Felicia clutched onto her arm. “I’ll get lost in here.”  
  
“Oh! There you are.” Pepper laughed grabbing Jessica’s hands. “Is everything alright? Peter said you had to take care of something.”  
  
“Hm? Oh, yup. _This_ was that something.”  
  
Pepper glanced at the black-haired woman Jessica jerked her head toward, she also noticed one of the woman’s hands was latched onto Jessica’s. “Hi. Its nice meeting you, Ms. Potts.” She extended her free hand, which Pepper shook. “Felicia Hardy, Jess is like my best friend so I wanted to see her at work... if that’s alright.”  
  
“It’s no problem at all. The more the merrier.”  
  
“That’s what I always say.” She scowled as Jessica elbowed her. “What?” Pepper led them through the kitchen passed the sea of Avengers who stopped them for brief conversations/introductions before they ended up in front of an elevator.  
  
“Uh...” Pepper took in the arm still woven around Jessica’s, “Felicia, would you mind if I borrowed Jessica for a moment?”  
  
Felicia looked down at her arm before reluctantly releasing it. “Sure.” Jessica rubbed her now red arm before following Pepper into the elevator. Felicia waved as they walked in and it closed behind them.  
  
Locking her hands behind her head, Felicia started to walk – usually when she was bored or waiting for something (which usually meant she was bored anyway) she’d wander and today was no exception. There were various pictures and statues along the wall each looking more expensive than the last. Surely no one would notice if _one_ weird looking whatever the hell – “Shit...” She picked up a blue glittery jeweled egg examining it closely. “A _fake_ Faberg é egg?”  
  
“Wow.” Felicia stilled seeing a brunet out the corner of her eyes. “Not that many people get it that quickly.”  
  
Straightened herself up Felicia smirked putting the egg back down, “I know a thing or two about jewels.” She turned around then paused. “ _Peter_?”  
  
“Yes?” The brunet’s brown eyes narrowed then widened considerably. “Felicia?! I almost didn’t recognize you...” He looked her up and down. “Your hair is black now.”  
  
“Yeah, trying out a new thing.” She twirled a lock of hair between her fingers. “Tell me the truth, blonde suited me more right?” Peter nodded dumbly. “Might dye it back or go red, everyone loves redheads right?”  
  
“Yeah, sure. Red. Um, what are you doing here exactly?”  
  
“Wow, that’s rude.”  
  
“Sorry. Not really in the mood for pleasantries... especially after what happened earlier.”  
  
Felicia nods. “Ah. Yes, weren’t expecting to see me so soon?” She mock pouts. “A favor got cashed in. You know its hard to stay mad at you, Parker.” Peter’s eyes narrow. “You’re so damn cute mad. Relax, Sugar, I’m not looking for a fight. I’m here with Jessica.”  
  
Peter blinks. “Pepper’s Jessica?”  
  
“No. My Jessica.”  
  
“You’re dating Kitty, so Jessica isn’t really yours.”   
  
Felicia shrugs. “Right. But Jess and I are bros... but girls. Girl bros.”  
  
“Does she know?”  
  
“Does Gwen know you’re here?” Peter’s eyes widen. “And you didn’t tell Gwen you’d be here.”  
  
“I didn’t even know! It was last minute. I work at Stark Tower and they just took an impromptu field trip here because the Avengers moved back to Stark Mansion after the repairs were all done.” Groaning again, Peter cradled his hands in his face. “She’s gonna kill me.” He muttered. His head snapped up at Felicia, “don’t change the subject—”  
  
“Hands in the air, _Black Cat_.” Felicia sighs turning toward Maria Hill who is at the end of the hall gun aimed at her. “It’s pretty stupid of you to sneak into Avengers Mansion.”  
  
Felicia smirks. “Well, it would be if I were Black Cat.”  
  
“Cut the shit, Hardy, I’m the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. of course I have your records.” Peter gulps. This is an unfavorable outcome. Felicia just _might_ blab to Hill (and damn near everyone else) about his identity. More importantly, Felicia just might tell Spider-Woman who’d tell Taskmaster then his life would really be over! Then again, Felicia had ample opportunities to reveal his identity yet she never did. It probably had something to do with how much she liked to bother him. Out of all the people that knew Peter’s identity (at least all the people _he knew_ that knew his identity) Felicia knew it the longest.  
  
Felicia laughs. “That’s cute. _You_ , the director of S.H.I.E.L.D.? You’re just a stand in for Fury. And he’s the one with Black Cat’s records, not you.” Maria’s grip on her weapon tightens.  
  
“W-Wait a minute!” Peter steps in between them. And he’s not really sure _why._ Felicia, despite her penchant for causing trouble ...and stealing, is his friend. And Peter Parker/Spider-Man has this whole no killing credo he follows. Why do you think he’s always throwing criminals in jail instead of offing them? Besides, he’ll try his damnedest not to let someone else he cares about get hurt as long as he can prevent it. “There’s gotta be a non violent approach to this, right?”  
  
The elevator pinged. “Cool, so I’ll report back tomorrow~” Jessica sing-songed walking out of the elevator with Pepper who waved walking off in the opposite direction. The brunette froze. “Uh...?”  
  
Felicia smirks, then picks up one of the Fabergé eggs throwing it at Hill who instinctively catches it. The shit, fake or not, probably costs more than her annual S.H.I.E.L.D. salary. Then the egg opens and smoke comes out of it. Peter knew Felicia was a skilled thief but just _when_ did she get the opportunity to do that?! When the smoke clears Felicia is gone. “Dammit!” Peter gulps as Maria approaches him. “Kid, I don’t care how noble or chivalrous you are – if you _ever_ get in my way again I’ll throw you in jail.” Then she storms off.  
  
++  
  
“I knew it, I knew it, I fucking knew something like this would happen.” Jessica groused. “Why did you come to the mansion!? How did you even know I was in the mansion?!”  
  
Felicia shrugged. “Anyway, would you relax? I’m wearing a wig—”  
  
“A fat lot of good _that_ does, you know, since you’re still going by your real name and leaving the rest of your face unchanged!”  
  
Felicia rolled her eyes taking the wig off revealing her long white hair, “I’m not exactly hiding anything. Yes, I bear an uncanny resemblance to a wanted criminal; that isn’t a crime in itself.” It was Jessica’s turn to roll her eyes. “Besides, S.H.I.E.L.D. is nowhere near as competent as they used to be when Nick Fury was running the show.” Jessica turns to her. “They won’t put two and two together, Jess. You have nothing to worry about.” She pats the brunette on the shoulder.  
  
“Fine. Just don’t expect me to get you out of jail or prevent you from going back.”  
  
“Aww, don’t be like that.”  
  
“Listen, I gotta go. Try and stay out of trouble?”  
  
“Nope.” Jessica rolls her eyes then walks off.  
  
++  
  
“ _Seriously_?” Black Cat hissed as she came face to face with that bratty bucket brat from a few hours ago. “Twice in the same day?”  
  
“Where is your friend?”  
  
“Could ask you the same question. Looks like we’re spider-less this time around.”  
  
“That’s fine with me.” Then the kid’s hands started glowing and taking one of those hits was a bitch in no uncertain terms and she got hit by at least three this afternoon. As fast as she was the kid was faster. If he could just attack without questions they weren’t doing one another any good fighting on opposing sides. She didn’t have Spider-Woman’s pheromone induced apparent ability to get ~~(almost)~~ anyone to do what she wanted but she was charming in a devilish sort of way. And who could really resist a devilish charmer?  
  
“Why should we fight one another, Kid? We both know how it’ll turn out – if the cops don’t get to us some superhero will. Its obvious we’d be better suited as allies.” Then the kid frowned, it was adorable but that was beside the point.  
  
“May I remind you that you are a thief?”  
  
“True but should I remind you that loner heroes don’t mesh well with hero groups? S.H.I.E.L.D. has been trying to get Spider-Man for years because he’s off doing his own thing. They did the same thing with me.”  
  
The kid floated down to her with his hands on his hips. “The Avengers gave me a card.” Black Cat leaned forward a bit looking at the card in question. “You don’t think it’s to _spy on me_ , do you?”  
  
She shrugged, “could be. The Avengers and S.H.I.E.L.D. _are_ in cahoots after all.” Then the frown was back. “I’d give that back if I were you.” The kid was about to respond when the stupid card started shrieking. “Turn that off!”  
  
“I didn’t even know it could turn on!”  
  
 _“Calling all available Avengers_.” The card said in the midst of its shrieking. _“Calling all available Avengers. Black Cat is on the loose. All Avengers are ordered to apprehend on sight. I repeat, Black Cat is on the loose—_ ”  
  
“Wasn’t expecting that.”  
  
“Come on.”  
  
Black Cat winced as the kid grabbed her by the arms flying off. She didn’t know whether it was the helmet or not but the kid was stronger than he looked. “Seriously? After our little heart to heart you’re turning me in?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Oh, I see you— _no?!_ Why no?”  
  
“Would you _like_ me to turn you in?”  
  
“Uh, no? No thank you? Not at all. You can’t blame me for being curious though?”  
  
“I do believe that is what killed the cat.”  
  
Black Cat scowled, “cocky little shit, aren’t you? What’s your name, exactly?”  
  
“Just call me Nova.”  
  
“Sweet. I’m Black Cat but I guess you knew that already.” She looked up as Nova was flying, “you know where you’re going?”  
  
“This is my second time in New York so I’m gonna have to say no.”  
  
Black Cat sighed, “figured as much. Fly and I’ll lead the way. Make sure to avoid any flying heroes you see, alright?” She looked up as Nova nodded probably concentrating on flying. Spider-Woman sure could use some, every time they flew and the idiot tried to talk they ended up almost crashing into a wall. “Oh and I probably shouldn’t have to say this but I’ll do it anyway, you should avoid any flying _villains_ too. While we’re at it.”  
  
“Gotcha.”  
  
They flew low avoiding any and all sky personnel, but high enough to not be seen by people on the streets (basically they were weaving through buildings. Something Black Cat always wanted to do but never worked with the right person until now). It was a close call when Iron Man zoomed by overhead but other than that everything was good. Swearing at least seven of her supposed nine lives flashed before her eyes, Black Cat had them land on a roof as they walked into what looked like an apartment building.  
  
“We’re just gonna lounge in a building?” He asked as she walked through the roof door leading them down a couple flights of stairs.  
  
“I doubt anyone would look _inside_ a building.”  
  
“What if someone from the building sees us?”  
  
“You worry too much, kid.”  
  
“No, he has just the right amount of worry.” Black Cat simply frowned as a person came out of the wall. Nova, on the other hand, shrieked hiding behind her. “You give cats a bad name.”  
  
“Kitty!” The brunette fully came out of the wall allowing herself to be embraced a few seconds before pushing Black Cat back.  
  
“I—who is this?”  
  
“This is Nova, my new buddy.” Nova inclined his head slightly and the brunette smiled.  
  
“I’m Shadowcat but you can call me Kitty. Or rather I’m Kitty but—” She frowned, “never mind. Kitty’s fine.” She went in hugging Nova then released him glaring at Black Cat. “ _You_! I don’t know what you did but you’ve got the whole super-powered population of New York after you! S.H.I.E.L.D. told the Avengers, the Avengers called us, _we_ called Doctor Strange’s league of magical weirdos, Doctor Strange’s crew called the Fantastic Four.... Do you have any idea how screwed you are?!”  
  
“Shit... but I haven’t done anything!”  
  
“That is _so_ not what they are saying.”  
  
“What are they saying? Did you get stuck on Black Cat retrieval?”  
  
“Because I enjoy the possible thought of going to prison for assisting a fugitive.” Kitty frowned putting her hands over her hips. “You think anyone knows I’m warning you beforehand?”  
  
“Nice to know how you value our relationship.”  
  
“Don’t get all sulky now, _you_ were the one that wanted to keep this thing a secret!”  
  
“You didn’t have to agree!” Kitty rolled her eyes, “but I forgot your little X-Men are a self-righteous crime stopping group so of course you’re gonna agree!”  
  
Nova tilted his head, “I’m confused. Are you two friends? Are you going out? What is going on here?”  
  
“You. Uh, Nova or something. Did she steal anything?” Black Cat huffed.  
  
“No. I don’t think so. Spider-Man didn’t tell me. He just said we had to take them to— _wait_! How did you get out of prison?”  
  
“Elektra owed me a favor so she busted me out. Whatever I attempted to steal is back in its rightful position thanks to your friendly neighborhood web slinging do-gooder. I haven’t taken anything since. Hell, I was just on my way home!” Black Cat winced at the glare she was getting. “I _might have_ went to Avengers Mansion but I didn’t steal anything!”  
  
“Why were you in Avengers Mansion!?”  
  
“A friend of mine was there.”  
  
“Then this doesn’t make any sense.”  
  
“Kitty, it’s been a slow few weeks in the super-powered crime department. I’m sure these people are just itching for some action. They’ll probably let me escape so they can try and catch me again.”  
  
“Yeah, that Spider-Woman stuff seems pretty exclusive.”  
  
“I do get around!” Kitty, Black Cat and Nova glanced up at Spider-Woman hanging upside down on the ceiling waving. “Hi, never been formally introduced but B.C. talks about you all the time. Spider-Woman.”  
  
Smiling, Kitty accepts the outstretched hand shaking it. “Shadowcat. Haven’t really heard about you though.”  
  
Black Cat groans. “Can we not talk about this now?”  
  
“Fine, whatever you say.”  
  
Spider-Woman jumped down elbowing Black Cat. “Did I get you in trouble?” Black Cat hissed at her. “I’ll take that as a yes. Um, why is the Nova Corps kid with you? Didn’t he, like, assist with beating our asses and almost getting us into jail a few hours ago?”  
  
“Didn’t you try and get me in jail only to break me out the following day?”  
  
“Somebody’s touchy. Hey, didn’t I tell you to try and stay out of trouble?” Black Cat simply rolled her eyes.  
  
“Truthfully.” Nova rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t really know what I’m doing here.” The three women stared at him, all frowning.  
  
“Well I’ll tell you what you’re not doing; you’re not gonna take any of us to jail.”  
  
“Yeah, I kinda figured that.”  
  
“So what are we going to do then Black Cat? Since you’re chocked full of so many ideas.”  
  
“Now is not the time, Kitty.” Black Cat sighed sliding her left hand down her face.  
  
“Well, I have work in the morning so jail is kind of a deal breaker. In fact, you – Black Cat – are the only one here with a criminal record.”  
  
“Thanks so much for the reminder.” Spider-Woman merely grinned folding her hands behind her head. “Anyone have any suggestions?” Spider-Woman and Nova exchanged glances before looking back at Black Cat. “Great, so we’re fucked.”  
  
“Oh come now, don’t talk like that. Surely there is some way out of this mess.” Eyes widening, Kitty looked down clamping a hand over her mouth.  
  
“ _No!_ ” Black Cat hissed gripping Kitty’s shoulders. “Get the fuck out of there, Frost!”  
  
Kitty removed her hand from her mouth grinning manically, “awww don’t worry, your precious Katherine is safe; just borrowing her for a bit. You know, its so damn hard to possess someone when they go intangible.” Kitty shrugged, “but whatever. Before you bite my head off in the figurative sense I thought I could help you out. I’ll simply use my powers to make it seem as though you guys aren’t around.”  
  
“I don’t trust you, Frost.”  
  
Kitty shrugs, “and you have good reason not to but as long as I’m in Katherine’s body I’m pretty sure you’ll be easier to convince.”  
  
“Her name is _Katherine_?”  
  
“Shall we talk about names, Spider-Woman?” Spider-Woman shook her head. “Now what do you want us to do, Frost?”  
  
“Oh, I’m actually quite interested in this Spider-Woman. After all, it is not often one meets a minion of Taskmaster with a mind of their own. How adorable!” Kitty removed Black Cat’s arms from her shoulders by going through them ~~(obviously)~~ then walked over to Spider-Woman tip-toeing and grinning in front of her. There’s about a good three or four inch difference in their height so Kitty grabbed Spider-Woman by the head putting them at equal eye level. “No, no, no. This will never do.” She sighed releasing Spider-Woman who stood up straight stretching. “I’ll need my powers if I’m to—”  
  
“Don’t you even think about doing that freaky power swapping shit with Kitty’s body!”  
  
Kitty frowned then sighed pointing down the hall. “Fine. I won’t ...this time. I’m down the hall, come to me within the next five minutes or I’m possessing Black Cat next. And I can detect other mutants so don’t bother trying to run.”  
  
Kitty blinked and Spider-Woman waved a hand in front of her face before turning back to Black Cat. “But you’re not a mutant, I think you’re what they call a mutate right?”  
  
“I don’t have superpowers idiot, _you_ are the mutate here.”  
  
“Right. I think I’ve been told that once. So this Frost person shouldn’t be able to find us, right, if we’re not with Kitty? And who is this Frost anyway? A mutant detector or something?”  
  
“Frost _is_ a mutant; a telepath or some shit with the ability to fuck people’s shit up – in every possible way. And even if we’re not with Kitty she’d be able to find us anyway and we’re not gonna just leave her. I’m not gonna get possessed.”  
  
“But...” Spider-Woman latched onto Nova, “this thing.” She tapped on his helmet, “should protect us right?”  
  
 _“Us?_ Fuck no! But _him_? Absolutely _. However,_ Frost has a bunch of other powers that’ll obliterate the kid.” Spider-Woman grimaced. “Yeah, like I said, she can fuck people’s shit up.”  
  
“Frost!?” Kitty shrieked wrapping her arms around her body. “She was inside me again? Ewww!” She shuddered. “I feel so dirty!”  
  
“Yeah, that’s Kitty alright.” Black Cat slung an arm over her shoulder. “Come on. We need to see Frost or she’ll possess me and we both know what happened the last time.” Black Cat shuddered then lead her little group down the hall.  
  
As expected, when they entered the apartment down the hall Emma Frost was sitting in a lone chair in the middle of the room smiling. “Welcome!” She announces standing walking briskly over to Spider-Woman smushing her cheeks together with her hands. “What a pretty little thing you are.”  
  
“Hey! We didn’t come here for your Jedi mind-fuckery, Frost.”  
  
“What a bore you are, Black Cat, I’m simply attempting to get to know my new friends. As I know you and your darling Katherine already. Spider-Woman, was it?” She released Spider-Woman’s face. “And a member of the Nova Corps?” She turned to Nova who nodded. “You do get around, Black Cat. And it seems as though you’re in quite a pickle. Pity. Such a pity.” Shaking her head she walked back over to the chair standing in front of it. “It wouldn’t do me any good for any of you to get captured or imprisoned so let’s just forget this whole incident even occurred.”  
  
“You can do that?” Spider-Woman asks massaging her face, “I’d appreciate it, I’d like to keep my prison record clean if its all the same to you.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m with Spider-Woman on this one.” Nova said hovering.  
  
“Oh, definitely.” Kitty added. “Clean prison records for all. Emma, Black Cat—”  
  
The blonde held up her hand then sat in the chair. “You don’t need to _tell_ a telepath anything dear... unless you’re wearing a Nova Corps helmet.” She glanced at Nova who flew behind Spider-Woman leaning over her shoulder. “Now, I get that you’re pretty much gonna take the fall for everyone being bored but it’s a small price to pay.” Black Cat balls up her fists. “There are far too many people around for me to effect everyone’s memories but if we can somehow get S.H.I.E.L.D. to call off the search you’ll have nothing to worry about.”  
  
“I hear buzzing overhead.”  
  
“What kind of buzzing?”  
  
“Like _metal_?”  
  
“Oh! It’s Tony.” Kitty grinned, “I have an idea!” Grinning, Kitty walks through the wall.  
  
Black Cat turned to Emma, “ _well_?”  
  
“Hm? Oh, I wasn’t paying attention so I don’t know what she was thinking.” The blonde shrugged glancing at her nails as Black Cat groaned loudly.  
  
++  
  
“Shadowcat?” Kitty sputters, looking up as Iron Man hovered down to her level – which was on the ground leaning against a café. He snapped the faceplate of his helmet up looking around. “Nice to see ya.” She hummed in agreement. “Would it be terribly unreasonable to think this wild cat chase was some kind of hoax to sharpen our skills? I’m not doubting someone saw Black Cat at some point past her escape from S.H.I.E.L.D., but calling everyone just to track her down seems odd. No, not odd, it’s stupid—”  
  
“Definitely.” She agreed. “You know it’s been a good month or so, right? These z-list criminals with no names just aren’t cutting it.”  
  
“What are you saying? Boredom is driving us to unjustly attack the first villain that shows sign of life? For all we know the ‘big bad’ supervillains found a hero proof hot-spot with free wi-fi?”  
  
“And an all you can eat deluxe continental breakfast?”  
  
“Or something else to occupy their time? Like maybe they’re working together for some grand scheme?”  
  
“Well I’d go if for no other reason than the free breakfast. All we have at the school is cereal.” Kitty groaned. Damn X-Men couldn’t splurge for decent hot breakfast every once in a while?  
  
Iron Man snapped the faceplate back down before tossing a tablet in her hands. “You can eat breakfast in Stark Mansion every morning for the rest of your natural born life if you find a faster way to hack into S.H.I.E.L.D..”  
  
“Awww, Tony, how sweet~” She cooed with a devious grin, “not sure where this came from with no pockets and all but... if you wanted my company so badly all you had to do was ask.” Then she tossed the tablet back at him.  
  
Whistling, he snapped the faceplate up again landing beside her. “Ms. Pryde, I am humbly at your service.”  
  
“Oh please, like you couldn’t hack into S.H.I.E.L.D.’s database with your eyes closed even faster?”  
  
“I probably could but how else would we go about getting you hot breakfast?” Kitty smirked, “besides if you hack S.H.I.E.L.D. I can provide distraction, buy you time, keep the others off your scent? That sort of thing.”  
  
Kitty nodded, “sure, sure. I could have done the same but who am I to question the methods that get me food?”  
  
“Exactly. I’m gonna name a robot after you.”  
  
“Make it two. I also want an invite to the next time you guys go skating or whatever and a movie night.”  
  
“Deal. Hank told me he got _quite_ the scolding from Storm.” Kitty nodded. That poor blue scientist. Storm, usually, is a very reasonable person, but for Hank to blow off teaching for a day of science with Tony Stark, Hank Pym and Bruce Banner that escalated to skating and an afternoon/evening at Coney Island seemed unreasonable at best. Truthfully, Kitty was surprised she didn’t shock the guy with lightning or something. “Done. Thanks for the assist.”  
  
“What did I assist, exactly?”  
  
“Shutting down this whole thing?”  
  
“You shut down _S.H.I.E.L.D._?!”  
  
“Of course not! I’ll need more than a few seconds to do that. I shut down the Black Cat retrieval thing. I’m not missing Pasta Thursday, which you are coming to.”  
  
“Hey, no arguments here. I will never look a free meal gift horse in the mouth.”  
  
“You can also tell Black Cat, Spider-Woman, Nova and Emma Frost to come out of hiding.” Kitty’s jaw dropped. “Biometric scans and heat signatures.”  
  
Kitty shook out of her stupor. “Yes. Of course. So... did S.H.I.E.L.D. have Black Cat’s info on file?”  
  
“Oh yes they did as a matter of fact.” Kitty grimaced. “Don’t worry though, there is no record of her being in connection to you.”  
  
“That’s not the issue—”  
  
“Ah. Hey, I get it. I’m not gonna turn you in – especially to S.H.I.E.L.D. – for befriending a supervillain, or ...you know, whatever you two got going on.” Kitty sighed. “Wait, you don’t want me to _delete_ Black Cat’s record do you?”  
  
“What!? N-No! That wouldn’t be right...”  
  
“But?”  
  
“No but. It’s just... I can’t. Nothing, it’s—forget it.” Deleting Felicia’s records from S.H.I.E.L.D. wouldn’t automatically make her no longer a fugitive _nor_ would it make her stop stealing. It would be pointless. Not to mention a crime of some sort. ~~Plus, having a secret supervillain girlfriend was kind of cool.~~  
  
“No one but S.H.I.E.L.D. has her records and according to the tablet, it’s deep within the bowels of the records with the identities of the X-Men.”  
  
“It’s level ten secret or something?”  
  
“Something like that. Hey, do me a favor? Bring Nova when you stop by for dinner? That kid is such a tourist.” Kitty nodded then Iron Man closed his faceplate. “See you around.” Then he flew off.  
  
++  
  
Kitty managed to sneak back into the building but not before a long, _unnecessary_ debrief from her team. Questions ranged from: why were _they_ called?, what was this about again?, and this had to be the work of the Avengers right? Nevertheless, some fifteen odd minutes later she was watching Fel— _Black Cat_ was arguing with Emma and Spider-Woman. “You’re back.” Nova greeted. “They’ve been arguing since you left.”  
  
“Hey!” The three women turned to her. “We’re good. Iron Man took care of the ‘retrieve Black Cat mission.’” Black Cat sighed in relief.  
  
“Why would Iron Man help?”  
  
“He said something about pasta...”  
  
“Oh right.” Spider-Woman nodded, “the Avengers don’t fuck around when it comes to food. Thor was gonna take his hammer to Deadpool because he interrupted their meal time once!” Black Cat, Nova and Kitty whistle. “Yeah. That’s what I thought.”  
  
“Well...” Emma stood, “the crisis has been averted so I shall take my leave.”  
  
“And just what was the point of you coming in the first place?”  
  
Emma smirked at her. “Oh Black Cat, surely you don’t need to be a telepath to know what I desire. I’ll be in touch.” She nodded at the group before walking out the door.  
  
Black Cat suppressed the overwhelming urge to hiss at the retreating form of Emma Frost. “Well damn...” Spider-Woman’s voice broke through her train of thought. “That lady should come with a warning label or something.” She sighed.  
  
“Yeah, I agree. _Oh!_ Nova, the Avengers invited us to dinner!”  
  
“Sweet. Oh... uh...” Nova bit his lip, “is that okay?”  
  
Black Cat shrugged. “Might as well get a free meal out of it. _Then_ you can return the card.”  
  
“Card? What card?”  
  
“The kid has an Avengers card.”  
  
“Well that explains why you knew to hide.” Spider-Woman pursed her lips. “Doesn’t explain much else.”  
  
“Forget all that. What time is dinner?” Kitty shrugged. “Well, I’m sure the two of us can hang out before then? I need to ‘lay low’ for a while. You know how that goes.”  
  
Kitty hummed. “I see.”  
  
“Hold on.” Spider-Woman glanced between them. “What that an innuendo?”  
  
“So they _are_ dating?” Nova tilted his head, “this is very confusing.”  
  
“I’m with you on that one.” Spider-Woman sighed, “anyways. I gotta get going... we’re good right?”  
  
“Go on, J. I’ll talk to you later.”  
  
Spider-Woman nods, “cool. Make sure she stays out of trouble Kitty. I gotta make this bromance work with another girl.”  
  
“I think it’ll be called a _sis_ mance.”  
  
Spider-Woman turned to Nova. “For some reason, I don’t like the way that sounds.” She shrugs. “Later.”  
  
“Later.” Spider-Woman opened one of the windows and climbed out.  
  
“Just like a spider not to use the damn door.” Black Cat sighs, “I guess we can’t do anything over a G rating with the kid around, huh?”  
  
“Hey, I’m fifteen!”  
  
Kitty blinked, “you are? I would have guessed twelve!” Black Cat snickered.  
  
“Dammit!”

 


	5. Multitasking with Taskmaster: part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spider-Woman, Deadpool and Taskmaster (otherwise, infrequently, known as the “trio of neutrality” at least according to Deadpool anyway) get themselves into some crazy shit involving Hydra goons, S.H.I.E.L.D., random solo costumed individuals, crazy-ass mercenaries forming a gender neutral band, A.I.M.’s beekeepers, the X-Men and Venom symbiote that Deadpool [and the boxes] thinks would make for one hell of a movie!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I know I never stated it before but all the chapters prior to this one had Taskmaster in his regular white, blue and orange outfit – this chapter has him in the second... gray and blue costume. ~~As Edna Mode from The Incredibles said: _“No capes!”_~~

The only rational thought Taskmaster had, as he jumped through the rooftops of Manhattan on what should’ve been a lazy Wednesday morning, was:  _why the fuck was he, a non-superhuman, constantly putting himself on the line for people he barely tolerated and would undoubtedly outlive him?_   
  
Someone put a hit out on him – surprise, surprise. So now he was  _literally_ running for his life from that crazy asshole known as Bullseye who really wasn’t living up to his namesake at the moment. Or at least he wasn’t until an arrow grazed his mask pretty damn close to his eye.  
  
This “hit” had to come from someone who wanted to know more on Spider-Woman because there were direct orders not to kill him. And how did Taskmaster know about his own hit? He had accomplices in low places.  _That_ and he kept getting mysterious texts from some mercenary after school group that someone signed him up for. Not only him but every mercenary Taskmaster ever possibly remembered working with; including Deadpool. Hell, even Bullseye was up there but the club’s creed – ironically – was not to kill other members and Bullseye, surprisingly, was taking that shit to heart. It wasn’t really that surprising he had a strange loyalty kick. Which was why all the arrows and bullets and whatever else was wedged into Taskmaster’s body were only going to do minimal damage. Once Taskmaster found some ammo he’d be more than willing to reciprocate.  
  
“Hard to kill asshole...” Bullseye muttered, “stupid non killing creed...” He set another arrow on his bow. “Tasky, come out and play~” Bullseye had no competition when it came to marksmanship, except from Hawkeye but with Taskmaster stealing both his and Hawkeye’s particular skillset it meant he had to worry about this bastard too. Which was why he almost preened at the opportunity to off the “Almighty Taskmaster” until the big bold letters that displayed the words.  **Do. Not. Kill.** Yeah, that put a damper on his mood. He didn’t know who organized this whole mercenary boy band but he wasn’t about to complain. Well, he’d complain a little if it had something to do with keeping them (mostly Taskmaster) alive. “Gotcha.” He fired an arrow that hit the bastard right in the back as he crashed into the glass wall of a building. Sighing, he put his bow back against the quiver. Well, now that his work was done it was time for him to get something to eat. Oh and to collect his pay. Stupid non killing rule...  
  
Groaning, Taskmaster lifts his head to see Emma Frost and Phil Coulson of S.H.I.E.L.D. casually sipping tea at a table peering down at him. “Glad you can make it, Tony.” Coulson says before taking another sip. Oh right, he  _did_ have a meeting with these two. Must have slipped his mind when he was being shot at.  
  
“You have an arrow in your back.” Frost states, calmly putting her mug down.  
  
Grunting, Taskmaster stood not even bothering to take the arrow out. It wasn’t that deep and it beat the hell out of a knife or sword. Wiping the shards of glass off his body, he took the empty seat to the side of both of them. No way in hell was he sitting next to either of them.  
  
Coulson, as unperturbed as ever, slid a folder toward him. The man must have been used to having his fellow agents come in with worse conditions than a simple arrow in the back, or a few bullets in his legs. Shit, he needed to get those taken out.  
  
Phil Coulson was a recent agent of the organization known as S.H.I.E.L.D. after Hawkeye called it quits a couple years ago with them trying to kill him and all. Oddly enough, that was how Taskmaster think he ended up leaving S.H.I.E.L.D. too. According to Weasel (who got a kick out of this sort of thing), Taskmaster and Hawkeye both were instated and left S.H.I.E.L.D. around the same time. They worked together and Hawkeye was one of the first skills Taskmaster learned/copied and one of the few he keeps in his “memory” because who wants to lose a skill like that? The inability to miss a target? And Hawkeye was self-taught too. Just a regular human working his ass off to never miss a shot with his fucking bow. It was that kind of crazy, suicidal shit that was admirable. It was the main reason he stuck to not killing that particular Avenger when their paths crossed with them being on opposite sides.  
  
Now then, after losing two top agents, Fury had to find some new agents to take their place and while no one actually could he did find some other people that had different skills. But then Fury up and disappeared putting Hill in charge only to reappear but leaving the brunette as the director of S.H.I.E.L.D..  
  
But he was getting off topic.  
  
“S.H.I.E.L.D. must be pretty damn desperate to ask for my help.” He would have said it a bit more smugly but he was in pain. He  _did_ have an arrow in his fucking back for crying out loud! Luckily, it wasn’t too deep so he could pull it out himself. And Frost kept eyeing him like she wanted to do it herself... or push it in deeper. And though the fighting styles, skills and reflexes he copied made him almost as fast as a superhuman he  _probably_ couldn’t outmaneuver a telepath. Suppressing the wince, he leaned a bit in the chair mindful of the arrow. “And don’t give me that whole  _once an agent, always an agent bull._ ”  
  
Coulson sat up impossibly straighter in his seat. “Taskmaster...” Coulson then gestured to the folder, “we’ve been informed you’re harboring an ex-Hydra member.”  
  
Taskmaster glanced at Frost who shrugged then back at the folder. “Really? Who ‘informed’ you? That’s kind of on a need to know basis.”  
  
“Not for other Hydra agents.”  
  
“Oh...” Taskmaster whistled in a long drawn out sort of way, “you infiltrated Hydra? I really shouldn’t be as surprised as I am. What about A.I.M.? Working on them too?” Taskmaster waved him off. “Whatever, what does this have to do with me? And you know  _she—_ ” He jerked his thumb at Emma, “can’t read my mind.”  
  
“I’m aware.” Coulson took out another folder from who knows where then put it on the table. “No one seems to have any memory of the one we now know called  _‘Spider-Woman._ ’” This new folder he opened had a picture of Spider-Woman; well several pictures of Spider-Woman. Then there was one of those personal information pieces of paper and the only thing filled out was her alias –  _Red, Webs, Spidey 2.0, Spiderella, Spider-Woman, Spider Chick, Black Cat’s New BFF?, Taskmaster’s Grunt/Lackey/Daughter/Pawn/Minion/Protege???_ Honestly, excluding the daughter, bit Taskmaster wasn’t sure what label he liked best. Her correct height of 5’10”. Her hair color was stated as Dark Brown/Black. Everything else was blank and, obviously, gender was written in as Female but there was a question mark next to it.  
  
“You want Intel on the rookie? Even if I remembered I wouldn’t tell you, you gotta know that.”  
  
“Of course you wouldn’t... not for free anyway.” Taskmaster leaned back in his seat then immediately straightened up. Fuck, he forgot about the arrow. “All we know is she’s former Hydra; oh and that she has powers similar to Spider-Man—”  
  
“Whom you  _also_ know nothing about?”  
  
“I’ll get to that in a second since you seem to be as interested as we are. Back to the matter at hand, all we need is a name—”  
  
“So you can figure out the rest? Nah. Not gonna happen. Its hard to come by decent grunts you should know that better than anyone, Cheese.”  
  
“What do you think we’ll do if we find out her identity?”  
  
“I don’t know. S.H.I.E.L.D. type things! You might make her an agent or something and I got enough people trying to take me down – I don’t need one more.”  ~~ Never mind the fact that he got attacked on the way over here.  ~~ Coulson nodded. “I appreciate you not bothering to deny it.”  
  
“You’re a smart guy, Tony, you should know it’s easier to tell the truth.” Taskmaster nodded with a hum.  
  
“Let’s talk about the reason you’re here.” Emma says.  
  
Taskmaster picked up the closed folder on the table skimming through it then whistled loudly. “Damn...” He glanced at Coulson, “are you serious right now?”  
  
“It’s what the director wants.”  
  
“And if the director in question is batshit crazy?” Coulson merely shrugged. Sighing, he turns to Frost. “I can’t help but think you had something to do with this.”  
  
The blonde smirked. “I was the one who suggested they bring you in.” Of course she was. Hell, Taskmaster wouldn’t be surprised if she was behind the hit either...  _or_ the little mercenary of the month club going on.  
  
++  
  
“Jesus, Tasky, you look like hell.” After the little “meeting” with Frost and Coulson, Taskmaster had to right himself before getting what he needed for his new “mission.” Although he was arrow-free, bullet-free and no longer bleeding he was still wobbling a bit as he entered his apartment. He may have been getting paid to “babysit” Deadpool but he sure as hell wasn’t going to  _live_ with the guy 24/7. Besides, Deadpool joked that this place was their “home base.”  
  
A home base that didn’t have weapons poking out of ever piece of furniture. To emphasis said point, Taskmaster plopped down on the couch flipping Deadpool off. “You look worse.”  
  
“Someone’s cranky.”  
  
“Were you followed?”  
  
“Nope.” Deadpool locked his hands behind his head. “By the way... where does Jess live exactly?”  
  
“How should I know?”  
  
“You’re practically her ‘handler’ or something, right? I think you of all people should know where she lives.”  
  
“Well, hate to burst your fucking bubble, Wade, but I don’t know where she lives. Don’t really care either.”  
  
“Well then  _Tony_ maybe you should find out.”  
  
“I get the feeling I’m missing something... or we’re having two very different conversations.” Sighing, Deadpool plopped down on the couch arm dangling a piece of paper. “I’m too tired to know what the fuck that is.”  
  
“Well...” Deadpool drawled. “Weasel can occasionally be good for stuff.”  
  
“You have  _Weasel_ stalking my grunt?”  
  
“Just like you have my assistant working on  _your_ bank account? Yeah, I’d say we’re pretty square wouldn’t you?” Taskmaster snorted. “So anyway, Weasel tracked our itsy bitsy spider to Manhattan. Well we’re in Manhattan now but where he tracked her is dangerously close to Stark Tower.”  
  
“Right. Also, you should have said former assistant.” Deadpool sighed, “but when Jess isn’t in costume I could give a fuck where—”  
  
“She works for the Avengers.”  
  
Taskmaster sat up. “Are you fucking  _kidding me!?_ ” Did S.H.I.E.L.D. get to her  _already_ ? No, S.H.I.E.L.D. and the Avengers were two separate parties that often had similar or the same goal but ultimately were not the same. However, Spider-Woman doesn’t work for the Avengers, no Jessica Drew does. “What does this mean... exactly?”  
  
“What do you want it to mean? They obviously don’t know she’s Spider-Woman—  _{Because they haven’t imprisoned her yet} —_ so do we leave it alone or go all psycho-strict parent and forbid her from going?”  
  
“No. This actually might be a good thing.” Having her close enough to S.H.I.E.L.D. without being detected? It was fucking  _perfect_ ! Provided she didn’t fuck up she could keep up the double life fleeing from the Avengers one minute and helping them out the next. Ah, such was the life of a neutral. Now that raised a particular question. “When did this happen, or start?”  
  
“Uh, according to Weasel? The Fourth Of July.” Which was after the whole interrupting of the Avengers meal thing. Well, at least they knew now to  _never_ interrupt the Avengers during the hours of five to eight if they didn’t want a certain hungry, pissed off, hammer wielding Asgardian on their asses. Actually, that is information Taskmaster fully intended on keeping to himself.  
  
“Great. Was that all?”  
  
“No. Did you sign me and Weasel up for a mercenary club?”  
  
“I was going to ask if you signed me up.”  
  
“Oh... well that’s strange. My damn phone’s been buzzing all day. Someone sent a hit out on you.”  
  
“Yeah, I know.”  
  
“I wasn’t going to cash in, regardless of how high the pay. And it was pretty damn high.”  
  
“I wasn’t told the amount just there was a hit out.”  
  
“Well, it was more like an escort.” Taskmaster tilted his head, “you had to be ‘brought’ to a certain location mostly intact. The pay was about 50,000.”  
  
“ _Dollars_ ? Just to get me somewhere I already had to be?!”  
  
“No wait, I fucked that up. You were supposed to stay away from somewhere. It was an escort and distraction job. But there was no info about where unless you took the job. The website is pretty low-key but most of the gang is up there.”  
  
“I’m sorry...  _the gang_ ?”  
  
“You know.” Deadpool sighed waving his hands gesturing wildly, “the gang. All the old mercenaries from back in the day? Mamba, Outlaw, Weasel – who is not a mercenary but still one of the gang. Who else?”  
  
“I saw the names and I know I had to do some kind of work with a few of them but they’re not jarring anything specific. Any idea who set this shit up?”  
  
“Nope. I was thinking it was you but then I realized you wouldn’t have much of a reason so it has to be someone on the website. Its run by NO.”  
  
“ _No?_ ”  
  
“No. Not no, N-O. I think or maybe its number. I don’t know.”  _{You’re leaving out that other bit, something about the White Queen?} [Ooh! From Alice In Wonderland?! She was so pretty... but I liked the Red Queen because she yelled a lot and decapitated people!] {Yes we all loved the Red Queen but the club with the mercenaries is run by both this N.O. fella and The White Queen.}_   
  
“No... N-O.” Taskmaster leaned back on the couch. Who the hell had the initials  _n_ and  _o_ that could pay a handful of mercenaries to do their bidding? “Oh. That reminds me. I got a mission.” Deadpool whistled. “Up for destroying some Hydra bases?”  
  
The grin beneath Deadpool’s mask was clearly visible. “Hell yeah.”  
  
++  
  
Taskmaster and Deadpool have not always been “buddy-buddy” but if you honestly ask Taskmaster he’d probably tell you he wouldn’t remember (and doesn’t really give a shit). Even for someone with as shitty a memory as Taskmaster, their little rivalry/bromance/friendship/whatever the hell they have going on is humorously chaotic at both best and worst.  
  
The two of them took a trip on Taskmaster’s (possibly stolen) S.H.I.E.L.D. floating bike thingies everyone and their mother seems to have nowadays. It was how they ended up seated on the roof of a random building that was just in front of what could may or may not be a Hydra bases. A warehouse in New Jersey, by the docks, mafia movie style.  _{At this point, I’m not even sure we_ want _to know what Taskmaster’s mission is.} [Are you kidding?! I want to know more than ever!]_ “I was expecting something a bit more flashy!”  
  
“S.H.I.E.L.D. doesn’t  _do_ flashy.”  
  
_“No, but Hydra does. Their bases have the tendency to throw out some pretty heavy shit.”_ Deadpool tilts his head in Taskmaster’s direction.  _“Just say the word and I’ll disable all the little traps I can find. Which, I gotta tell you, is a lot.”_   
  
“What do you think?”  
  
Deadpool shrugs. “It’s your mission. I’m just here to kill and make shit explode, but Weasel knows a thing or two about hacking.”  
  
_“A thing or two?!”_   
  
“Just take the compliment.” There’s a loud sigh on the other end of the comm. “And disable whatever the hell you can.”  
  
_“Great. Always a pleasure, Tasky. Oh! I am getting some of the cut, right? I have bills to pay—”_   
  
“Just shut the damn traps down, Weasel!” There’s a huff on the other side of their comms before the lights shut off. Both Taskmaster and Deadpool facepalm as Hydra agents come out of the building running around screaming. Deadpool sighs then turns to Taskmaster who is glancing in his direction.  _[Is he frowning? I think he’s frowning. He’s probably frowning, right? You can’t tell with the skull mask but we should know Tasky’s mannerisms by now.]_ “Why are you looking at me?”  
  
“He’s your tech guy.”  
  
“Well Jess is your minion, so there.”  _[Ooh, I bet he’s rolling his eyes now!] {We’re official Taskmaster expression experts.} [Interpreters even!]_   
  
“She has nothing to do with this.”  
  
“Uh, destroying Hydra bases and not informing your former Hydra goon? Jess has  _everything_ to do with this.”  
  
“Believe it or not, Wade, my job doesn’t revolve around her.”  
  
_[I wonder if he can tell if we’re rolling our eyes.]_ “Whatever you say, Tasky. Let’s just—”  
  
An explosion reverberates through the Hydra base. “Weasel...” They mutter. More Hydra goons are running out of the base. Sighing, the two of them stand.  
  
While breaking into a Hydra base is relatively easy the getting out unscathed part is usually where things get complicated. They had taken out at least a dozen guards running around. Not killed, because the guards were absolutely no threat. They weren’t even armed. And it would be a shame to waste bullets on them.  
  
There’s a soft thud behind them and in one swift motion they take their guns out pointing them at...  _Spider-Woman_ !? The brunette holds up her hands in a placating gesture. “ _Do not_ shoot me.” They lower their weapons  _slowly_ then eventually place them back in their holsters.  
  
“Why are you here?” Deadpool asks tilting his head. “You woulda been pumped full of more holes than.... than...”  _{Swish cheese?} [No, that’s too unoriginal. Maybe that blanket we carry around to sleep!] {I doubt she needs to know about that.}_   
  
“We get it.” She rubs the back of her neck. “This is gonna sound weird...” She sighs. “I was on my way to Wade’s when some guy named  _Weasel_ said you needed backup?”  
  
“Weasel told you  _we_ needed backup?”  
  
“And that  _you_ should do it?!” Deadpool finishes.  
  
Spider-Woman huffed. “Uh, yes? I’m more than capable of being backup! I’m a part of this trio too, remember? And what’s the deal with leaving me out of the loop! Don’t you think  _I’d_ like to bust some Hydra skulls too?”  
  
“You wanna do this  _now_ , Jess? Fine. What’s the deal with working with the Avengers?”  
  
“O-Oh...? W-Well then...” Spider-Woman chuckles awkwardly. “I suppose we can let this one time slide.”  
  
Taskmaster mutters something then turns around coming face to face with a Hydra agent who let out some kind of high-pitched squeak as he found four sets of guns pointed at him. Ouch. Not something Spider-Woman would wish on her worst enemy. Good thing she was on their side. Whatever side  _that_ was.  
  
“W-Wait, don’t kill me!”  
  
“Hold on... I know that voice.”  _{Is it Spider-Man?} [No, Spider-Man wouldn’t be here dressed up as a Hydra goon! Besides, it doesn’t sound like Spidey.] {But this whole thing is about Spider-Man isn’t it? He’s bound to make an appearance sooner or later!} [I don’t think so. This chapter is all about us.] {You’d_ think _so but I doubt it. I mean, just where the hell did Jess come from?} [She’s in the synopsis! Her name is the first word there!]_   
  
The hydra guy held his hands up in a defenseless, begging you not to kill me here gesture. “Mr. Wilson?”  
  
Deadpool’s head tilted. “Oh!”  _[{I remember him now!]}_ “Bob, how you doing, bud?” Taskmaster doesn’t exactly lower his weapon when Deadpool pats the guy on the back. “Whoa, cool it, Tasky.” He cocks his head at Taskmaster lowering one of his guns. “Only I get to shoot Bob.”  
  
“You know someone in Hydra?”  
  
“Long story.  _Wait..._ ” Deadpool jerked his head toward Spider-Woman. “ _She_ was with Hydra.”  
  
“ _Former_ .” Spider-Woman interjects frowning. “And ‘Bob’ was it? Who is running this place now?”  
  
“Madame Hydra.” He said with a shrug. Taskmaster and Deadpool exchange glances before turning back to Bob each holding up a gun in their left hand. “W-Wait! It’s the truth! I’m too afraid to lie!”  
  
“Who the hell is Madame Hydra? I thought Vermis was running this place?”  
  
“Vermis is old news...” Bob glances at the guns then gulps. “Madame Hydra – I don’t know where she came from  _or what her real name is_ .” Taskmaster lowers his gun but Deadpool merely pats Bob on the back twirling the gun in his hands.  
  
“You’d say we’re friends, right Bob?” He nods slowly eyeing the gun Deadpool keeps twirling that seems to be way too close to his head for comfort. “Great. So you wouldn’t mind letting us give her a message... would you?”  
  
Deadpool nods at Taskmaster who takes a step forward aiming the gun at his face. “Tell her to call off the deal with A.I.M. if she expects to make it out of here alive.”  
  
Spider-Woman’s expression seems pained somehow, “and aim would be?”  
  
“A.I.M.”  _{She can’t see the dots you know. Besides, its pronounced aim right? A-I-M? It doesn’t matter how you write it, it’ll be said aim regardless.}_ “It stands for Advanced Idea Mechanics?”  
  
Spider-Woman tilts her head, “was that a question?” Deadpool shrugs. “Okay, so what’s this ‘advanced idea mechanics’ doing striking deals with Hydra?”  
  
Taskmaster cocks his head to the right putting his gun away. “That’s what I’m here to find out.”  
  
“We.” Deadpool corrects.  
  
“Right. That.”  
  
A bullet whizzes past the four of them. While Bob dives to the floor Deadpool, Taskmaster and Spider-Woman look up at the green-haired woman in the bright yellow outfit  _{It looks more like a gold than yellow.} [You can’t interrupt the narration!]_ standing against the railing about two floors above them.  
  
“Well, well, well. This must be the rumored Spider-Woman.” She says tilting her head. Below her dozens of Hydra agents appear not only on the floor below, but the floor the four of them are on surrounding them.  
  
“Holy shit! That’s Viper from the Serpent Society.”  _[Quick, check the wiki on her real name!]_   
  
“That’s Madame Hydra to you.” She hisses.  
  
“What are you doing with the symbiote A.I.M.’s giving you?”  
  
“Straight to the point I see.” She sighed. “Well, you of all people should know Hydra’s objective. We’re creating the perfect soldier! With The Winter Soldier stolen from us and reprogrammed we had to... start from scratch as it were.”  
  
“They didn’t steal the Winter Soldier he wasn’t yours to begin with.”  _{Wait, who is the Winter Soldier again?} [The guy that shot us.] {That’s way too many people to know based on that description alone.} [He has the super wavy hair. Oh! And the metal arm! Also, who is ‘they?’]_   
  
Viper sighed heavily. “That’s not true.  _We_ , Hydra, created the soldier therefore he is ours.”  
  
“That’s all well and good, I’m sure. You and The Avengers can hammer out the details the next time they kick your ass. We’re only here for the symbiote.”  
  
Spider-Woman hears some kind of scratching noise so she slowly turns toward the only door in the area still closed. “Hey... you hear that?”  
  
“You’re the only one with super hearing.”  
  
Spider-Woman frowns. “Right.” She turns back to Madame Hydra. “What’s behind that door?”  
  
“I doubt you want to find out. Symbiote doesn’t take to spiders very well.” The scratching becomes louder and if Spider-Woman  _had_ spider senses they’d be tingling right about now. Suddenly, the scratching stops and there’s a howl.  
  
“I didn’t do  _anything_ to any symbiote.” And how could she, she doesn’t know what the hell symbiote is.  
  
“It’s not  _you_ .” Spider-Woman sighs in relief. “Wade, blow the shit up.”  
  
“Finally~”  
  
“You fool! If you do that who knows what will happen!”  
  
“What happened to your  _perfect soldier_ , Madame Hydra? You’re not keeping him locked up because you’re afraid, are you?” The green-haired woman grits her teeth.  
  
“ _Fire in the hole!_ ” Deadpool cheers then yelps as some kind of black slime shoots from the newly opened door straight at Madame Hydra pinning her to the wall.  
  
“What the hell is that stuff?” Spider-Woman winces as she hears a high-pitched screeching noise. “Turn it off!”  
  
“Invest in some ear plugs.” Taskmaster grabs her throwing her at Deadpool, who barely manages to catch her upright, then dives out the way as more of the slime comes out. Spider-Woman’s jaw drops as the slime comes together in the middle of the room forming into a  _person_ ?  
  
The black slime creature appears to be panting heavily as it surveys the area. A few Hydra agents are attempting (and failing) to free Madame Hydra while the rest of them have their weapons pointed at the thing. Spider-Woman realized, as the Hydra agents were shooting, that bullets didn’t affect this thing. They were just getting absorbed into the slime. “Again, what is that stuff?” She hisses.  
  
“That...” Deadpool begins, “would be one of the twelve symbiotes we’re looking for.”  
  
“ _Twelve?_ ”  
  
He nods, “Jess. Meet Venom.” Spider-Woman looks up at the “Venom” thing who has his arms out now. Then, in the blink of an eye, the very same bullets the agent shot into him come back out firing at every agent that fired a shot back. Some of them get hit in limbs while others don’t get so lucky taking a bullet in the general head area. “Damn...” Deadpool breathes.  
  
“You cannot do this to us!” Viper growls, “we made you!”  
  
Venom freezes then turns to her grinning manically. “I take it you didn’t ask for permission first~” Deadpool sing-songs.  
  
“ _They_ are the enemy!” She yells. Venom slowly turns to them and both Spider-Woman and Deadpool gulp loudly. “Do you remember how miserable and broken you were before Hydra helped you!?”  
  
“It’s not like you to go for the sob story approach, Viper.” Taskmaster tsks. “Surely you had a failsafe program or something in case something like this happens, right? Something that can’t easily be canceled out by something as ...simple as a vibrator.”  
  
Spider-Woman does a double take. “Wait,  _what_ ?”  
  
Deadpool twirled a bright pink vibrator in his hands, “to think I’d actually use this baby in a mission.” He chuckles.  
  
“I hope that hasn’t been used. Also, as loud as that thing is – what does it do for the creature?”  
  
“Had you not left Hydra you would know all about symbiote.” Spider-Woman scowls folding her arms over her chest. “Vibration and heat are the two main – and only known – weaknesses for any kind of symbiote.” Viper sighed. “But unless you touched him—” She gasped. “You bastard!”  
  
Spider-Woman turns to Deadpool grimacing. “What did you do?”  
  
“Well...” Deadpool drawled, “when the door opened and shot out the symbiote I slipped the vibrator in there. Thought I’d need a boombox or something bigger to do the job but—” He shrugged, “it got the job done.”  
  
Venom, who is looking more like a solid form being, cracks his knuckles and his mouth splits in a shit-eating grin. “I should thank you... for the legs and the powers.”  
  
“He speaks?” Spider-Woman whispered.  
  
“I’m just as surprised as you...”  _[Didn’t he usually go the whole ‘we’ first-person in conversation? Why the hell did he just say_ I _?]  
  
_ Venom takes a step closer to Madame Hydra still smiling. “And keeping me locked up has helped me control them. I am one with the symbiote.” Some of it extends from his arm latching onto her neck. “Let me thank you properly.”  
  
“Don’t kill her.” He, Spider-Woman and Deadpool turn to Taskmaster. “We won’t know where the other symbiotes are.” Venom hisses loudly.  
  
“They shouldn’t be allowed to live.”  
  
“You are what you are because of us!” She coughs as he squeezes tighter.  
  
“They just have shit luck with their soldiers, huh?” Deadpool shakes his head. “But Tasky’s right. We’ll be up shit creak without a paddle unless Madame Hydra gives up the goods.  _Then_ you can kill her.”  
  
“No, don’t kill her. Two more are just gonna take her place.” Spider-Woman shudders. “Oh! And if you do kill her, you’ll be as much a monster as she and Hydra are.”  
  
The grip immediately loosens and Venom takes a step back eyes wide. Taskmaster and Deadpool glance at Spider-Woman who shrugs with a grimace. Venom glances down at his shaking hands. “I’m a  _monster_ !” He screeches.  
  
“What the fuck is going on?” Deadpool whispers; Taskmaster shrugs. “Hey!” Venom’s head snaps up as he turns to them. “If you’re not going to kill her – which I guess is okay—”  _[Like hell it is!]_ “—we, I mean  _you_ , should make sure they don’t wanna make any more Venoms. We’ll call S.H.I.E.L.D. and—”  
  
“S.H.I.E.L.D. isn’t taking this.”  
  
“I thought we were working for S.H.I.E.L.D.?”  
  
“Oh we are but they’re not taking the symbiote. We’ll find some other way to subdue Madame Hydra because if S.H.I.E.L.D. finds even a sliver of symbiote they’ll come looking for Venom.”  
  
“Ooh Tasky, are we gonna keep him!?”  
  
“Is this another one of your double missions boss?” Spider-Woman’s frowning. “Who paid you to double-cross S.H.I.E.L.D.?”  
  
“No one and I’m not doing any double-crossing. I want the symbiote – my orders were to destroy it but I see no reason to if he can fully control it.”  
  
Deadpool pats Venom on the back. “Welcome to the Quartet of Neutrality bro. Available for birthday parties and Hydra base explosions.”  
  
“I never said—”  
  
“But you didn’t say we couldn’t~” Taskmaster sighs. “Lucky for you I brought dynamite. Enough to possibly destroy any symbiote we may or may not have come in contact with.” He rubs his hands together. “We’ll bring Madame Hydra outside and the still alive agents then blow the place to high heaven!”  
  
“Good luck with that, I won’t talk.”  
  
“You know, I forgot she was still conscious.” The four of them turn to her, “let’s remedy that, shall we?”  
  
++  
  
According to Bob, who managed to steer the fuck clear of everything, there was a double agent or something working for/with/around the X-Men. Stop number two on the symbiote hunt was Professor X’s school. “You know he could be lying, right?”  
  
“Bob’s a coward, not an idiot.”  
  
“He keeps getting tangled up with you so I guess that could make him both.”  
  
“You’re getting tangled up with me too, Tasky, so what does that say about you?” Taskmaster paused as the others continued walking. Turns out Venom didn’t need much convincing when it came to destroying/capturing other symbiote. He seemed indifferent about it overall but when Deadpool mentioned explosions he was all for it. This new Venom only had a fraction of the old Venom(s)’ craziness and memories. On the whole, he was unnervingly stable... for symbiote.  
  
Why would whoever the fuck bring the symbiote here? Who knew? Was it even really here? Again, who knew? He was just doing what Coulson told him to do. Find/Destroy all the symbiote he can because the shit was making a comeback in a big way (only he wasn’t going to destroy any of it, but S.H.I.E.L.D. didn’t need to know that tidbit). Taskmaster liked to believe he was a good agent at one point in his life; not that he could remember or anything. Working freelance was far better than being forced to take orders. This way he could make his own work – for the right price.  ~~ And not actually care about how remembering the details afterwards, provided that he got paid. ~~   
  
Some guy with a black and white mask was suspiciously waiting by the corner of the building across from the school. Deadpool stared at him and he stared back. “So boss,  _this_ is your new partner?”  
  
“Damn right. Tasky and ‘Pools for life! Is this guy trying to come in the middle of our bromance?”  _[{We’ve killed people for less!!}]_   
  
“No.” The guy said shaking his head. “I just wanted to know what boss was up to.”  
  
“Boss?” Spider-Woman parroted.  
  
“Surely you didn’t think you were my only student, did you?” Spider-Woman clicked her tongue loudly. “This is Crossbones; an old student of mine.” And damn if Tasky didn’t sound  _proud_ at that. Guy must have been one hell of a student. He even kept the skull theme Taskmaster had. He must have gotten brownie points for that. And the fact that Taskmaster actually  _remembered him_ had to be a good sign too.  
  
“Tasky taught a whole school of villains in and out of working with Hydra... and A.I.M.,  _and_ S.H.I.E.L.D., apparently. You are one busy guy.”  _{Its not like he remembers any of it anyway.} [That’s kind of a waste though.]_   
  
Taskmaster shrugs, “it’s all in the pay.”  
  
Deadpool nods. “Right. So, about us being here. Are we seriously going to bust into Professor X’s school? I mean,  _I know we’re crazy but we’re not_ _**this** _ _crazy!_ ”  _{I really don’t think there’s much of a difference.}_   
  
“That’s where I come in.”  
  
“Listen pal, you may have obviously ripped off Castle’s costume but you’re clearly not him. How do you get us in there?”  
  
Venom’s head snapped up. “We’re under attack.” He hissed. Taskmaster, Crossbones and Deadpool slowly turn to him as he points up. There were lasers atop the gates of the school pointed directly at the five of them.  
  
“That’s some security.” Spider-Woman says appreciatively.  
  
“Goddammit!” Deadpool yelled. “Wait a sec...” He, and the others, slowly turn back to Venom. “How did you—”  
  
“Think about it, Wade. Venom was first created through Spider-Man—”  
  
Deadpool nods. “Ah! Then he’s got Spidey’s abilities! So this is some kind of Venom supped up spider sense?” Venom nods slowly. “Do  _all_ Venoms do that?”  
  
There was a loud all too familiar sound of metal then pretty soon the five of them were surrounded by a net of webbing right as a pair of claws came out on the webbing. “Seriously!?” Someone huffed. “I thought we had a real threat. And this stuff is disgusting!”  
  
“Release the webbing, V, I know that petulant voice.” Venom nodded dissolving the shield – that may or may not have come from his body, so Deadpool could go up to the newcomer getting symbiote off their claws. “X! So good to see you.”  
  
The black-haired, green-eyed woman rose an eyebrow putting her metal claws back in her hands. “Right. What are you doing here? With...” She leaned to the left watching everyone else then back at Deadpool, “these guys.”  
  
“Recon mission! We’re here to destroy symbiote on behalf of S.H.I.E.L.D.”  
  
“ _Destroy_ ? There’s a shitload of symbiote right behind you.” Venom hisses at her and she hisses right back. “And whose gonna believe you guys are doing work for S.H.I.E.L.D.?”  
  
“Because our loyalties lie wherever we’re getting paid—”  
  
“Ooh! Can we use that as a slogan?”  
  
“—You don’t have to believe us.”  
  
“And I don’t. Just to let you know, you’re making it incredibly easy for me not to believe or trust any of you. I mean – the Merc with a Mouth, whatever the hell they call you, this spider chick, some fake Punisher guy and to top off the sundae of weirdness you unleash an unstable mutate.” She shakes her head. “If nothing else the professor will think this is amusing. It’ll be fun watching you idiots squirm.”  
  
“The Quartet of Neutrality doesn’t  _squirm_ !”  
  
“Quartet? There are five of you.”  
  
++  
  
“...it’s you, isn’t it? The mastermind behind this whole ‘mercenaries of the month’ club?” Bullseye sighs, “of course it is. You should know it’s not in the job description to ‘team up’ and ‘not kill’ one another.”  
  
“Then how do you explain the ‘team’ of Taskmaster and Deadpool?”  
  
“That’s not a team, it’s a train wreck.” He flung a dart at a picture of Taskmaster hanging on the wall. “Whatever those idiots do is none of my business. You should’ve let me kill him.”  
  
“That wouldn’t do you – or anyone – any good. Taskmaster is acquiring precious cargo for me after all.” Bullseye snorts. “And I’m paying you to make it your business to find out what they’re doing. A Hydra base housing symbiote was destroyed about an hour ago. S.H.I.E.L.D. came to handle the clean up but there was no trace of the symbiote in question.”  
  
“Then how do you know there was symbiote in the first place?”  
  
“I think I would know where I put the symbiote I acquired.”  
  
“Of course you would.” Bullseye sighs. “Why give it to Hydra anyway? I wouldn’t be surprised if the thing went nuts and destroyed the base on its own.”  
  
“I did not give anything to Hydra, A.I.M. did.”  
  
“But  _you_ gave it to A.I.M.”  
  
“True.”  
  
“Alright. What do you want me to do?”  
  
“As Deadpool cannot be killed and Taskmaster needs to be alive, nothing drastic.” Bullseye nods with a hum. “Just follow them. My source indicates they’re on their way to the Professor Xavier school.”  
  
“Well unless you have some symbiote for me to use, I’m at a severe disadvantage.” A door opens and Bullseye gasps. “I-I stand corrected...”  
  
++  
  
“—This place is pretty big when you’re not being kicked out of it.”  
  
“I’m sure someone would apologize for that if it weren’t your fault Wade.” Deadpool shrugs. “So... symbiote? Hydra? And A.I.M.?” Taskmaster nods. “Yeah. It still doesn’t make any sense. Professor!”  
  
Professor Charles Xavier and Ororo Munroe – more commonly referred to as Storm – round the corner. “Ah. Welcome.” The professor greets. “I don’t know of any symbiote here but you are free to look if you desire.”  
  
“Ah dude, why? How are we supposed to explain ourselves if you read our minds?!”  _[I guess it saves him the trouble?]_   
  
Taskmaster tilts his head, “you could be sending us on some wild goose chase.”  
  
“I assure you if there is any symbiote here I have no desire in keeping it.”  
  
“So... you can’t like sense it or something?”  
  
“Symbiote doesn’t generally have thought capabilities unless it merges with a host.” Spider-Woman nods with a hum, despite not fully getting it.  
  
“That isn’t necessarily true, Taskmaster.” The professor turns to Venom. “But you would know that better than any of us, correct?”  
  
“You can’t read Venom’s mind?” Spider-Woman asks.  
  
“Unfortunately, no. Its more like—”  
  
“He’s crazy too?”  
  
“No Wade. The symbiote must have some telepathic shield or something. Symbiotes are known to adapt.” Everyone stared at him, confusion evident on their masked faces. “Never mind. As I said, you are free to look.”  
  
“Want me to keep an eye on them?”  
  
“I don’t think its necessary, Laura, but if it puts your mind at ease.” The black-haired woman scoffs putting her hands on her hips.  
  
A trail of ice appears then comes a blond sliding on it. “Wha—?” He blinked then glanced around at the group then the professor and his fellow X-Men as the ice disappears. “A-Are we under attack?”  
  
“Do you really think we’d just waltz in here if we were poised for attack?”  
  
“Poised?” The blond grins. “I like her. ‘Sup. I’m Bobby.”  
  
“Iceman!” The brunet leans to Spider-Woman’s left seeing Deadpool then waving. “That’s Spider-Woman. She’s not a clone.” Bobby nods.  
  
“Good to know. Anyway, why are they here? Aren’t they criminals or something?”  
  
“I’m not a criminal... I’m neutral.” Spider-Woman huffs folding her arms over her chest.  
  
“Well not you, I meant  _them_ ...” He pointed at Taskmaster and Crossbones. “And definitely  **him** .” Venom hisses at him then he takes a step back. “See?”  
  
“He’s just hostile toward those hostile to him.” Bobby’s eyes narrow. “Professor, you’re a reasonable guy, you don’t need to sick your guard dog on us.” Laura growls at him. “You can keep the kid if anything’s out of place.”  
  
Spider-Woman gapes. “ _Hey_ !”  
  
Xavier taps his chin, “normally I wouldn’t accept such an outrageous deal ...however I could use a substitute teacher.”  
  
“Aren’t there like a million X-Men?”  _[I wonder if_ that’s _why there are never any openings?]_ “Where  _are_ the X-Men anyway?”  
  
“Most of them are training with some of our new recruits. Others are scouting. I’d like to have the kids learn from someone with experience.”  
  
“Experience in what? ‘Fighting?’ Running from S.H.I.E.L.D.?” Spider-Woman pursed her lips in Taskmaster’s direction, especially when he air quoted when he said fighting. “She’s a  _mutate_ , you sure they want to be around her?”  
  
“The school welcomes all kinds, Taskmaster.”  
  
Venom hisses loudly snapping everyone’s attention toward him glancing at the entryway. Once everyone saw Daredevil round the corner they sighed in relief. “What’s he doing rolling with the X-Men?”  _{The professor_ _**did** _ _just say they welcome all kinds.} [Really? So what’s their excuse for not letting us join?!]_   
  
“Oh... I wasn’t aware there was company.”  
  
“He’s blind, right? How did he know we’re here?” Taskmaster shook his head and Crossbones  _probably_ lost some brownie points for that. No, it wasn’t even probably. It was a definite definitely.  
  
“There are other senses beside sight.” Daredevil shook his head. “I’ll let that settle in for a while. So... anyone wanna clue me in on the little gathering?”  
  
“We’re looking for symbiote!” Bobby chirped then the group slowly turned to him. The professor must have told him telepathically because no one mentioned symbiote after he arrived. “Well  _they_ are. Though I gotta admit I’m a little interested in looking for it now too.”  
  
The visible parts of Daredevil’s face paled. “Why are you looking for symbiote?”  
  
“I’m guessing all your little ninja sensing techniques didn’t alert you to Venom’s presence?” Taskmaster said; Daredevil turned in Venom’s direction, which made Crossbones wonder if the guy truly was blind or just putting on a front. “Or maybe it did.”  
  
“It doesn’t feel like any other venom symbiote I’ve ever been around.”  
  
“He’s not evil.” Deadpool assured. “Helped us take down a—” The rest of his monologue was muffled by Taskmaster clamping a hand over his mouth.  _{[Rude!!]}_   
  
“Forget about that. This whole thing will go by much faster if we break off into groups.”  
  
“I call Spider-Woman.”  
  
“Of course you do.” Bobby seemed affronted at that. “Prof—”  
  
“Who the hell put you in charge?” Laura bit out.  
  
“No one put me in charge, I volunteered.” Laura’s eyes narrowed. “Can I continue or are you going to interrupt me again?”  
  
“You can continue but there’s no guarantee I won’t interrupt.”  
  
“Fine.” Deadpool was still muffling, as his mouth is still being covered, so Taskmaster sighed then removed his hand. “No Wade, we’re not teaming up. In fact, you go with Crossbones.”  
  
“Dammit.” Crossbones muttered.  
  
Deadpool folded his arms over his chest glaring in Crossbones’ direction.  _[Yeah, well the feeling is mutual, buddy.]_   
  
“I’ll go with Taskmaster...” Daredevil smirked, “to keep him out of trouble.”  
  
“Cute, what are you even doing here anyway?”  
  
“You have your reasons, I have mine.”  
  
Laura sighed, “so that means I’m with Venom? Great.” Venom hissed at her... again. “The feeling’s mutual pal.”  
  
“Would you like to trade?” Storm asked – and honestly most of them didn’t remember she was even there since she hadn’t said anything since their arrival. Laura glanced at her then the professor then Storm again before nodding. “Okay Venom, you’re with me.” Venom nods as she walked over to him.  
  
“We meet back here in an hour whether we found the symbiote or not.” The professor instructs. “Then each of you are going to explain to my students the cons of going rogue.” Everyone stared at him blankly. “Not the X-Men Rogue, I meant going rogue – as in doing you’re own thing as opposed to working as a team?” They continued to stare. “I called Daredevil here because S.H.I.E.L.D. is trying to find out his identity. In fact, they have become obsessed with solo heroes.” He glanced at Spider-Woman. “Or solo  _neutrals_ , if you prefer.” Spider-Woman nods. “They think—”  
  
“That they’ll become threats. We get it.” Taskmaster sighed. Trust Professor X to know these things even without his mind reading abilities. Or maybe S.H.I.E.L.D. was just predictable, “you don’t need to be a telepath to figure that out, Professor. We’ll do it,  _only_ if you let me – personally – explain the pros of it as well.”  
  
“If you feel there are any besides money and power go right ahead.” Taskmaster grumbled something before shuffling off with Daredevil stifling his laughter then walking after him.  
  
Spider-Woman cleared her throat blushing a little. “Okay, I’m not repeating that.”  
  
++  
  
The teams break off but not before Taskmaster informs them that vibrations and fire are the only known weaknesses to symbiote. The teams comb the  _entire_ school over the course of an hour but don’t even find a spec of symbiote so they all return to the lobby. “Jesus that was pointless.” Crossbones says with a growl, “and boss ...how could you stand working with this guy?”  
  
Taskmaster glances at Deadpool twirling the sword in his hands then back to Crossbones shrugging. “I often wonder that myself sometimes.”  
  
“Your informant or whatever obviously lied.” Laura said putting her hands on her hips. Hissing, Venom’s head snapped up toward the ceiling prompting everyone to do the same. A loud growl was heard before the lights went out. “Oh, come on!” Laura bit out. “Professor, what the hell was that?” Spider-Woman held up her hand, which was now lighting her face with a venom blast. Laura turned to her then back to the professor. “I reiterate, what the hell was that?”  
  
“My guess would be the symbiote. Make the light bigger, Jess.” Spider-Woman groaned then complied making the venom blast large enough to illuminate in front of her – well in front of them. Then she shot the blast upward at the lights turning them back on.  _Briefly_ before they shut off again.  
  
“Your lightning game is weak, kid. Storm, you should show her how it’s done.”  
  
In the darkness the only thing anyone could make out was Storm’s eyes glowing white before the lights turned back on.  
  
“What the hell is  _that_ ?!” Spider-Woman asked pointing to the red and black thing hanging on the chandelier.  
  
“ _Carnage_ !” Venom hissed only to receive a hiss in reply.  
  
Taskmaster facepalmed. “Oh fuck me. You gotta be kidding!”  
  
Blood-red symbiote started falling down the chandelier. “I’m sure we all know what happens when symbiotes mix so we  _might_ not wanna let that stuff touch, V.”  
  
“You gave him a nickname already?” Deadpool shrugs.  
  
Laura unsheathed her claws as everyone else got into offensive stances. “I get the feeling that’s not the symbiote that we’re looking for.” She grinned, “but it’s still a fight so I couldn’t care less.”  
  
“You sound a lot like Wolvie.” Laura shuddered with a grimace.  _{Wait, she’s just now realizing it?} [Isn’t she a clone? I’m pretty sure she’s a clone.]_   
  
“Do you have a way to seal the symbiote?” Daredevil asks.  
  
“I do just get it down.” Venom and Carnage were engaged in a screeching match that put Spider-Woman and her enhanced hearing at a painful disadvantage. Daredevil was grimacing but Spider-Woman didn’t really know this guy’s deal: other than the fact that he was a blind, supremely badass hero (Deadpool’s words, not hers). “Venom.” Venom turned to him. “You  _might_ wanna take a step back.” Venom seemed torn between lunging at  _him_ and lunging at Carnage, either way he took a couple steps back with Carnage watching his every move. “Storm, I need you to light the bastard up.”  
  
The white-haired woman nodded with a smile, “my pleasure.” Her eyes turned white again and lightning crackled all around, particularly around the chandelier – around Carnage – who howled in pain when he was hit. Storm overcharged the lights causing them to explode sending sparks and bits of glass into Carnage’s body. Most importantly, a small fire broke out enough for Carnage to release his grip on the chandelier as he fell to the ground.  
  
Once Carnage reformed, he glanced up at the group surrounding him and barked out a laugh. “You must be off your game, Taskmaster.”  
  
“I’d have to disagree. Why are you here?”  
  
He unleashed a feral grin. “I was promised I’d see you~” Carnage’s name  _was_ among the list of mercenaries on that website. Just what the fuck was going on? “I have info you’re gonna be interested in~”  
  
Laura rose an eyebrow then turned to Taskmaster. “What do you think?”  
  
“We should hear him out.” Iceman pipes in.  
  
“Unless he can tell us who is setting the symbiote loose I doubt he’ll be much help.” Carnage growled at Venom who growled back. Taskmaster sighed. He hoped they weren’t going to keep growling and screeching at one another all day. “Did you happen to get a look at who set you free? I believe you were in a secured S.H.I.E.L.D. prison last time we spoke.”  
  
“A S.H.I.E.L.D. agent released me and hid me here.”  
  
“A S.H.I.E.L.D. agent? I knew we shouldn’t trust those bastards.” Laura growled unsheathing her claws. “Strategic homeland inter—whatever the fuck the rest of the letters mean my ass...”  
  
“Did you get a good look at this  _agent_ ?” The professor asked. Carnage shook his head. “Any look at all?”  
  
“They were kinda small and wearing a hood that covered their face.” The group looked among themselves.  
  
++  
  
Felicia plopped down on the carpet in her Black Widow pajamas she actually legitimately bought – which was a scary thought – turning on the television. What kind of professional thief  _buys_ things? Maybe she was hanging around Peter and Kitty too much. Still, these were pretty kick ass pajamas. All the Avengers merchandise was. But they weren’t kick ass enough to actually warrant a purchase. Well, she was already in the store getting food so why not buy them? She knew, from experience, that stealing certain foods wasn’t even worth it – no matter how much of a master thief you were – so she usually bought food when she wasn’t wearing her outfit(s). She did, however, steal the Iron Man slippers because those were expensive as hell. She wiggled her toes beneath the plush of the red and gold of the Iron Man helmet.  
  
Anyway, her phone buzzed beside her and she paused the movie to check the text from an unknown number.  
  
The text read  _mercenaries of the month club (official name pending)_ and there was a link to its website. Felicia hummed. You could seriously put anything on the Internet nowadays. While she was no mercenary it would be interesting to sign up, so she did. Besides, one could never have too much money. And it wouldn’t put a damper on her rep because mercenaries as a whole were neutral. Though Felicia had to wonder who the hell knew her identity and would casually text her to boot? It could only be Frost because that would be a very Emma Frost thing to do. That and the fact that she could possess Felicia on a whim and was twisted enough to lord that knowledge over her ~~ constantly ~~ .  
  
Once signed up – and got approved – she saw that it was a private website that only members could access. It was then she saw the club’s creed ...which was not to kill any other members. Well, that seemed reasonable enough. Don’t want to worry about someone  _literally_ stabbing you in the back while working. However, the list of individuals that were members might have constant urges to kill one another, or at least maim because there was no rule against that.  
  
And seeing her name up there was weird because she just signed up not even ten seconds ago! Furthermore, she hadn’t even heard of half these people. The “club” was formed by The White Queen and NO? Or were the initials N and O? It didn’t matter. The White Queen had to be Frost, Felicia heard someone refer to her as that once.  
  
Great, she just got involved into some shady shit with Emma Frost  _again_ . Oh well, now that she was at it she was going to look up the rest of these so-called “mercenaries” that she might have to work with in the near future.  
  
++  
  
“This is a trap, right? Why would Carnage  _willingly_ give us the location of this ‘Toxin’ symbiote before giving himself up?”  
  
“Jess...” Deadpool chided putting an arm around her, “you worry too much. We just need to make it  _look_ like Carnage gave himself up.” Spider-Woman frowned at him. “The thing about being a neutral is sometimes you have to fool the even badder guys into thinking you’re just as bad as they are.”  
  
“What about that club for mercenaries he spoke of?”  
  
Deadpool shrugged, “wouldn’t be the first time I joined a mercenary club.”  _[Ooh! I wonder if we can get the old band back together?!] {Most of them are already there...}_ “You either, right Tasky?” Taskmaster grunted in affirmation.  
  
“You guys confuse me. Seriously.”  
  
“You’ll get used to it.” Was a simultaneous chorus from the rest of the group. Spider-Woman sighed. Hydra wouldn’t be as tiresome as these guys. No, actually it would be a tie.  
  
“I thought we were supposed to  _destroy_ the symbiote. Imprisoning Carnage is not the same as destroying him.”  
  
“Carnage is stronger than Venom.” Venom growls at that. “And Toxin is stronger than Carnage. We can’t kill Carnage if we expect to capture Toxin. You get it?”  _[Do we?]_   
  
“No. And I doubt you get it too.”  
  
_[Ooh. Did she read our minds?]_   
  
“That doesn’t matter.”  
  
“Taskmaster is correct. We were being watched as Carnage attacked, whoever came left once Carnage was ‘imprisoned.’”  
  
“Great. Who was watching us?”  
  
“It felt like Bullseye, he wasn’t even trying to mask himself.” Taskmaster sighed. Not Bullseye again. “Now then, I believe each of you owe me a favor for assisting you in finding the symbiote.”  
  
Crossbones pointed at himself, “does that include me too?”  
  
Professor X shrugged, “sure. The more, the merrier.”  
  
“Wait a minute. If you knew we were being watched,  _why didn’t you try and do anything to stop it?!_ ” Spider-Woman all but shrieked.  
  
“Listen, kid, we’re been doing this longer than you’ve been alive. The professor knows what he’s doing.”  
  
“Besides, we do not know who Bullseye was working for.” Storm added and once again, everyone forgot she was there – judging by their shocked, stiffened expressions by hearing her voice.  
  
“Bullseye’s working for Norman Osborn, I should know. I’m working for him too...”  
  
Deadpool gasps, “Norman Osborn!”  
  
“What about him?”  
  
“No. N-O. He’s the one behind the website!” Everyone turns to Deadpool.  _{Wait, why—how the hell did_ you _figure that out? Seems like one hell of a plot twist.} [Isn’t it obvious, the writer loves us so~] {Clearly not as much as Taskmaster but that’s irrelevant.}_ “Who but Osborn could afford to pay us – out of pocket? And we all know Oscorp does shady shit behind closed doors!”  
  
“Good job, Wade.” Laura says with a grin. “Wolvie will be proud.”  
  
“He will, won’t he?”  _{Doubt it.}_   
  
“But the question remains... why?” Storm asks. “What purpose would it serve to hire two dozen mercenaries and force them to work together? And explicitly have them not kill one another?”  
  
“That part is obvious.” The professor replies. “The more people Mr. Osborn has working for him the less people he has to worry about trying to kill him. After all, you said the club’s creed was to not kill other members. The founder is a member, which means he’s on the ‘do not kill’ list as well.”  
  
“And at any given moment he can just have one of his mercenaries come forth and protect him if necessary.” Crossbones swore then dug out his vibrating cellphone. “Guess who else just got roped into the club.” He showed Taskmaster his phone.  
  
“Great, we get to work with this guy again?” Deadpool sighs.  _{I believe you just said that part out loud.}_ Everyone stares at Deadpool. “Oops. That was supposed to stay in my head.”

 


	6. Simply Sinister?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter Parker may have terrible luck but Spider-Man’s luck seems to be far worse – almost incomprehensibly so. It doesn’t help that they’re essentially the same person. The only good thing about having a "double life" is the amount of people that know of it is less than ...what, five?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: It is not public knowledge that Felicia Hardy is Black Cat – it's just known to those who work for S.H.I.E.L.D. at a certain level or whatever. Kitty/Shadowcat, Spider-Woman and Spider-Man also know her identity, obviously. Having said that, Felicia herself was arrested for theft which prompts Harry’s reaction to her name.

Spider-Man could swear his eyes were playing tricks on him; there was no other explanation. After oversleeping this morning he figured the best way to travel Manhattan avoiding traffic would be via webs. Sure, it wasn’t the most productive use for the webs but he was going to make it to class on time so it wasn’t a waste.  
  
As he passed a rooftop he could swear he saw an all-too familiar sight, a blob of what appeared to be symbiote was curled into a ball. However, that could not possibly be correct. Five years as Spider-Man; three-and-a-half years of symbiote exposure. Everything from Riot to Anti-Venom. It’s been almost a year since the last symbiote induced “adventure” and that was with Toxin. Last Spider-Man heard the venom symbiote had been destroyed but that purplish-black blob was ninety-seven percent likely to be Venom  _or_ Spider-Man had some other type of symbiote to deal with. Either way, dealing with it meant he probably wasn’t going to make it to class on time today.  
  
Spider-Man wasn’t equipped to take on symbiote. It was the only thing he couldn’t be warned of with his spider senses (well the only thing he knew he wouldn’t be warned of which gave symbiote a huge advantage over him). Before fully getting any kind of semblance of a game plan going the symbiote disappeared.  _Great_ . That symbiote didn’t look bonded, which meant there was now loose symbiote – loose  _venom symbiote –_ around Manhattan. Not only would Peter not make this class trying and failing to track the symbiote down but he’d probably miss every subsequent class for the rest of his natural born life. He had to come up with a game plan to get the symbiote without alerting it to his presence. But first he had to get to class!  
  
++  
  
“—And you got this ... _legally_ ?”  
  
Taskmaster lolls his head back and forth, “define ‘legally?’”  
  
Reed glances down at the microscope then back to Taskmaster furrowing his eyebrows, “legally as in upon actual purchase with a receipt.”  
  
“I can’t  _purchase_ what I already own.” Taskmaster pats the bag at his feet, “my own little secret stash; though I am curious as to how one  _buys_ a particle accelerator?”  
  
“I don’t need to buy one, I already have one. Two in fact.” Right,  _of course he did._ Like sciencing it up didn’t assist in creating The Fantastic Four in the first place? Some people just didn’t learn. Oh well, as long as he got paid he didn’t give a shit what Reed needed vibranium for. Reed assumed, as many people would, that he had some sort of Wakandan contact to give him all the vibranium he could ever possibly need. Sure, he had one – once upon a time – but the guy hadn’t been in contact in a while so he was most likely six feet under. Nevertheless, Taskmaster had to get the damn shit himself but this was years ago.  _A year ago_ but semantics. Luck favors the prepared. Buying stolen vibranium from jewel thieves then catching the thieves to get even more vibranium from the grateful Wakandans was how Taskmaster did his business in this world of the supernatural. “I just need the vibranium to replace the metal lining.”  
  
“Blah, blah, blah. I’m too stupid to even attempt to understand what you’re talking about.” Reed huffs. “Normally, this is where I expect payment in the form of cash but your case – being all sciency and whatnot—”  
  
“Sciency is not a word.”  
  
Taskmaster waves him off. “Not important. What I’m about to tell you stays between us or you’re going to find your particle accelerator vibranium-less and don’t think I won’t.” Reed nods with a frown. He knows Reed knows he copied Black Widow’s skillset so sneaking in and out of places would be child’s play. “I  _may have_ found some venom symbiote.” Reed straightens up in his seat. “Guy claims to be in complete control but I’m not too sure.”  
  
“So you’re asking me to do a check up on the new host of the venom symbiote... in exchange for the vibranium?”  
  
“When you think about it, I’m getting the short end of the stick here.”  
  
“I’m going to hazard a guess here and say Venom has joined your little neutrality group?” Damn Wade. Taskmaster was going to kill him, wait for him to regenerate, then kill him again.  
  
“So what if he has?” So had Crossbones but Taskmaster wasn’t going to mention that.  _Wait_ ... there were five of them now so they couldn’t possibly be the trio or quartet of neutrality. Not that Taskmaster approved of that little group name – either name. Oh shit, he had a group now! A nameless group. ~~ Unless they were going to be Taskmaster’s Quartet of Neutrality because for reasons beyond comprehension  ~~ ~~ _quintet of neutrality_ ~~ ~~ just sounded  ~~ ~~ _wrong._ ~~ Either way he had to rack his brain trying to figure out how the hell he ended up with a group. Taskmaster  _used to be_ a loner. Oh well, at least now neutrals were no longer going to be ignored. It was like you’re either good or bad, why can’t you be both (or neither) whenever the hell you felt like? Tell S.H.I.E.L.D. to stuff  _that_ in their helicarrier and smoke it.  
  
“Okay. I’ll check over Venom.” Taskmaster eyes him suspiciously, “what? He hasn’t harmed anyone has he?” Taskmaster shook his head. What was a couple of Hydra agents? “Besides, I really need the vibranium.”  
  
++  
  
The kitchen in the mansion – after the remodeling – looks like the Iron Man armor exploded all over it. The damn kitchen is red and gold with hints of blue. It’s loud and one hundred and thirty-seven percent Anthony Edward Stark. To make matters worse there are tiny portraits of the team (and The Fantastic Four) all over. When Natasha walks in, shielding her eyes with her bandaged arm, she spots Clint leaning into Bruce as the two of them stand in front of the stove with their backs to one of the doors. Thanks to their latest assemblage with some wannabe Doom asshat who had way too many explosions and not enough experience using them. Coupled with the fact most of the Avengers were humans that went around saving people in one-layered outfits, the team didn’t walk away exactly unscathed. No one died, so that had to be a win right?  
  
Natasha was certain Clint had a broken arm in his sling – Clint was ambidextrous and despite having his key weapon require both arms he wasn’t useless in the field down one arm. Bruce’s soft spot for the blond must have been stemmed from Hulk’s. At first, Bruce and Clint could barely stand each other but that was because Hulk and Clint had hit it off disgustingly well. Clint’s lack of self-preservation might have been a key factor since the idiot antagonized Hulk during their second [or third?] meeting  _after_ antagonizing him during their first meeting. Natasha had to admit she was pissed too. A seven foot tall, thousand pound  _thing_ snatching up her best friend? Didn’t sit well with her. Never mind she couldn’t go all barbaric and challenge Hulk to some kind of contest to see which of them was the better deserving friend.  _Great_ , only constant exposure to Clinton Francis Barton would provide such thoughts.  
  
Wordlessly, she chucked an apple that Clint caught effortlessly without turning around. “Smells weird in here, what are you two doing?” He glanced over his shoulder at her frowning. Like he would have expected anyone else. Good to know the skills hadn’t diminished since quitting S.H.I.E.L.D.. The redhead grabbed an apple for herself depositing herself on the table. “How did you get injured further, Barton? One trip to medical not enough for you?”  
  
“We’re making soup.” Bruce replies, “well I’m making it and the stove injured Clint further.” Bruce and Clint exchange glances before Clint drops the apple on the counter signing.  _Ah_ . He either took his hearing aids out or they got fried. Frowning, Natasha signed her last question when Clint looked back over his shoulder at her.  
  
Clint huffs tilting his bandaged head, “okay first...” He turns around facing Natasha fully signing as he spoke, “one trip to medical will  _always_ be more than enough for me and secondly I’m not going back there lucid.” Natasha shakes her head ignoring Clint’s pout. “I’m just not.”  
  
“By the way...” Natasha’s eyes dart to Bruce, “do you think you can teach me sign language? I’d like to be able to communicate with him.” Natasha would have cooed but it was beneath her. So she settled and the filthiest grin imaginable that makes the brunet blush.  
  
“Sure Doc, I’d be  _happy_ to help you  _communicate_ with Barton.” She waggled her eyebrows in a manner Clint did constantly. Right, they were best friends of course they were going to mirror the other’s mannerisms. Though it looked hella terrifying on Natasha.  
  
Rhodey pops in with a small box placing it near the apple on the counter, “Tony wanted to give Clint these himself but he passed out before making it out the door.” He shakes his head, “I don’t know what to do with him.” Natasha turned her filthy grin on Rhodey.  
  
“I’m sure you could think of something.”  
  
“You know, I didn’t want to believe Tones when he told me...” He rubs the back of his neck, “I think I understand your friendship a bit better now. Unlike him you’re filthy in a sneaky way, but sneaky is sort of who you are.” The redhead gives a half-shrug, “do me a favor and wait until he’s lucid to mess with him?”  
  
“For you, Rhodes, I will.” Rhodey sighs eyeing the redhead distrustfully before walking off. “Testing?” Putting his hearing aids in with just one arm was less than ideal but Clint managed. Natasha looked at him raising an eyebrow, “can you hear me now?”  
  
“Yup. No wait,  _good_ .” Natasha rolled her eyes. “Damn these things are clear.”  
  
The doorbell interrupted Natasha’s (no doubt smartass) follow up. The spook twins – as Tony (and by extension everyone else) calls them – exchange a glance that spoke in more volume than the two of them often did verbally. Natasha smoothly got off the table walking out of the kitchen. The redhead looked through a screen pressing a blue button until it turned yellow then the door opened a few seconds later. Tony had to fix this damn security system.  
  
“Hi.” The brunette on the other side of the door says awkwardly. “My van just broke down and my cellphone battery died. I’m not exactly having the best luck but that’s not important. Can I use your phone?”  
  
Natasha looked the brunette up and down before taking her cellphone out of her pocket with her left hand. Fortunately, it was in her left pocket so she didn’t have to awkwardly shuffle around for it. “Thank you. My name is Jane.”  
  
“Natasha.”  
  
Jane glanced down at Natasha’s bandaged arm, “guess its gonna be weird to shake hands, huh?” Natasha simply smirked extending her hand that Jane shook. After that, Jane thanked her once more before calling someone on the phone.  
  
“Nat! Give me like three boxes of Thin Mints! No wait, make it four! I’ll pay you back!”  
  
“It’s not a girl scout!” Natasha called over her shoulder before leaning against the opened door.  
  
“...Then who the fuck is it?”  
  
“A paramedic.” Natasha continues to lean against the door and counted to three before Clint came barreling down the hall. They exchanged glances then Clint straightens up. “Managed to get here mostly intact I see.” He nods.  
  
“Thanks.” Jane said returning the phone to Natasha.  
  
“No, thank you.” Clint says beaming then glanced at her name-tag. “ _Jane_ . Ever patched up a couple of superheroes?”  
  
Jane blinks at him. “Excuse me?”  
  
“Forgive him. Subtlety was never his strong suit.” Clint groaned as Natasha glared at him. “Would you like to come in?”  
  
“I don’t want to intrude.”  
  
“You’ve done that already—” Clint winced as Natasha elbowed him in his bandaged ribs. Trust Nat not to pull any punches, “not in a  _bad_ way.”  
  
“Um, okay then?” Jane walks completely into the mansion startled when the door closes behind her since no one was around other than the two people walking in front of her. Damn rich people, this wasn’t the first time that happened to her but it never failed to startle the hell out of her.  
  
“That’s Clint by the way.” Natasha says jerking her thumb in the blond’s direction who gave her backwards wave with his free hand.  
  
Taking in his bandaged fingers, head, ribs and the sling over his left arm plus the redhead’s bandaged right hand she asks: “If you don’t mind my asking, exactly what happened to you guys?”  
  
“Wannabe Doom jackass.” Was the simultaneous reply.  
  
That had the brunette stop walking. “Wannabe...  _Doom_ ?! You mean those jelly filled green things that were exploding all around 42 nd street?!” This time two nods were her reply. “Ah.” Frowning slightly, she started walking again. “So that makes you guys—”  
  
“Badass? Yup.” Clint looked over his shoulder grinning, “ _Crazy_ ? Possibly. Suicidal? Only on occasion. Though, overall, we prefer being called Avengers.”  
  
“I’m in Stark Mansion.” It wasn’t a question but Clint nods nonetheless. “ _Why_ am I in Stark Mansion?”  
  
“You said you had car trouble.” Natasha replies as they entered the kitchen.  
  
“But mostly since we have to borrow S.H.I.E.L.D. doctors and they are, no doubt, sadists.”  
  
Jane’s jaw drops as she saw the frowning man wiping his hands with a cloth. “D-Doctor Banner?” Bruce’s head snapped up at the newcomer then tilted his head. “I— wha— you guys  _live_ with Doctor Banner?!”  
  
“Why does everyone have that reaction?”  
  
“It’s not as exciting as you think.” Natasha muttered, “nevertheless let’s introduce you.” Jane allowed Natasha to bring her closer to the brunet. “Bruce, Jane. Jane, Bruce.”  
  
“H-Hello.” Jane squeaked.  
  
“Hello.” Bruce smiled as Jane nervously shook his hand.  
  
“It’s an honor to meet you Doctor Banner. I found your research so fascinating and—” She gasps blushing, “s-sorry.” She clears her throat. “I, I—I’m just a huge fan, you know?”  
  
The spook twins share another silent conversation solely with their eyes. “ _You know_ ...” Clint begins.  
  
“If you became the team’s main source of medical attention...” Natasha continues smoothly, “you and Bruce...”  
  
“Can geek the hell out and have science fests all the damn time?” Clint finishes. At least Bruce  _thinks_ they’re done. They are still doing the contemplating eye thing. Honestly, Bruce is wondering how they’re able to fully understand one another when their eyes are void of any sort of expression.  _Then again_ , they are spies – or in Clint’s case a former spy, doing shit like this must be natural.  
  
“Besides.” Natasha adds.  _Yup_ , he should have known they weren’t done. “Tony can no doubt double or even triple your current salary.” Natasha shrugs nonchalantly, “if you decide to agree.”  
  
Jane gulps audibly. Bruce has seen the spook twins gang up to terrify, physically beat up and mock but never entice. It was intriguing, but that might’ve been the constant exposure to Clint talking.  
  
++  
  
Harry sighs heavily as he raps his knuckles against his father’s office door. He waited a few seconds before getting the affirmative then entered. Harry’s eyes swept over the room. Nothing  _looked_ out of place, but this is Norman Osborn’s office. Things could be out of place and you could spend hours – maybe even weeks – looking and never find anything wrong. His father was seated in his chair with his back to the door and a rather large wine glass in his hands moving from side to side. “You’re drunk.”  
  
“If Stark can run a multi-billion dollar corporation and be a functioning alcoholic why can’t I?” Harry frowned then Norman turned to him. “Want a drink?”  
  
“I’m underage.”  
  
“By, what, a few months? Live a little.” Harry sighed turning back to the door, “Wait. I actually need you for something. The Parker kid that works at the Daily Bugle? You’re still  _friends_ with him, right?”  
  
“Hard to say. I barely see him in school and you have me working here every day.”  
  
Norman waved him off, “forgive me for letting my son take the helm of my company.”  
  
“That’s not what I’m saying!”  
  
“It isn’t? Then what are you saying, Harold? You can’t possibly be worried about disobeying me, are you? Or disappointing me?”  
  
“No, it’s too late for the latter.”  
  
“Ah. You know, not necessarily.” Harry rose an eyebrow. “You may be a terrible businessman but you’re not a bad son.”  
  
“Am I supposed to feel good about that?”  
  
Norman leaned back in his seat, “you should. Children are going to disappoint and disobey their parents – it’s the way the world works. I don’t care. Rebel as much as you want. You’re my only heir and will get the company whether I prepare you for it or not.”  
  
“I don’t understand what any of this has to do with Peter.”  
  
“Who? Oh, I’m getting to that. Oscorp is going to have an internship program. I want to interview your little buddy so spread the word.”  
  
“You only want him because he works for Stark Industries.”  
  
“See? That old Osborn brain of yours is firing on all cylinders. In fact, tell all your friends to try out. I mean, you have more friends than just Parker right?”  
  
“Is that all you wanted? You could have just forwarded an e-mail; like you did for my birthday.”  
  
“You should do something about that jaded nature of yours, son.”  
  
“I’ll try.” Harry turns around then walks out the office closing the door behind him without so much as a glance back.  
  
Smirking, Norman tilted the glass before putting it to his lips taking a sip. There was a tapping on his window that made him pause mid-sip. Sighing, he turned the chair around opening the window as Bullseye came in. “You couldn’t use the door?”  
  
“Sorry. I’m sure your company would  _love_ to know about all your little excursions with the supernatural. Next time you want to send me on one of your little  _missions_ against Taskmaster make sure I’m fucking prepared! I’m surprised they didn’t try and kill me!”  
  
“Taskmaster can’t kill you remember?” Bullseye rolled his eyes. “I take it you did poorly?”  
  
“What do you think? It wasn’t just Taskmaster and Deadpool, they had the  _X-Men_ with them! Not only that but the symbiote – no, the goddamn Venom – was working  _with_ them.”  
  
“With them? A new Venom?” He gave A.I.M. the symbiote – who gave it to Hydra – but he didn’t expect either group to make a new Venom. Just who did they get?  
  
Bullseye nodded. “But this wasn’t like any Venom I’d ever seen. It was almost like the guy controlled the symbiote not the other way around, but that wasn’t all. Fucking Carnage was there too but they stopped him.”  
  
“Carnage? With the X-Men? What happened to him?”  
  
“He got imprisoned.”  
  
“And what of Toxin?”  
  
“I didn’t want him getting caught too so we left. You only wanted me to watch after all.”  
  
“Then tell me who was there, specifically.”  
  
“Taskmaster, Deadpool, Venom – version calm as all hell, a handful of X-Men and their ringleader. Goddamn  _Daredevil_ . Oh! And there was Spider—”  
  
“Spider-Man?”  
  
“No. The costume was different... and it was a chick.” Bullseye tapped his head, “I think they called her Jay? Jenny? Julie? It was something with a J.”  
  
“Go away Bullseye, you’re not helping.”  
  
The bald man huffed, “fine. I’m still getting paid regardless.”  
  
Norman leaned back in his seat. A new Venom who could fully control the symbiote? That was unheard of... and yet, so damn intriguing. He needed to find out more about it;  _especially_ if Venom was with Taskmaster.  
  
++  
  
Peter’s spider senses were activating but there didn’t appear to be any oncoming danger. Oh wait, he saw it. Mary Jane Watson marched toward him then wordlessly grabbed him by the arm dragging him down the hall and around the corner. For someone with super strength it was ridiculously easy for Peter to be dragged around like a rag doll. He probably needs to look into that...  
  
He managed to make it to class on time, but he was so damn worried about the symbiote he barely paid attention. A superhuman attention span was not one of the things the spider bite gave him. Peter gulps audibly because Gwen is leaning against the wall waving lazily. “Hiya, Parker. Too busy eating extravagant meals with the Avengers to pal around your normal friends?”  
  
“W-What?” Suppressing the urge to shoot a glare Gwen’s way, Peter shakes his head. She was there for one of the Avengers extravagant meals so she shouldn’t be too angry with him. “Don’t be ridiculous!”  
  
“Well you haven’t been at the Daily Bugle as often so that has to be the case.” Mary Jane put her hands on her hips pursing her lips slightly. The two of them ganging up on him is never a good sign. Four months ago they ganged up on him – the result of a “fun-filled adventure with three friends just screwing around” was the three of them in the hospital getting their stomachs pumped. Aunt May wasn’t too thrilled about that.  
  
Now Peter can’t necessarily tell Mary Jane he spends his non-working nights scouting the state looking for danger. As masochistic as the thought may be. He can’t tell Gwen he’s been not telling her because he’s trying to keep her out of the same danger he’s looking for. All in all, it’s a pretty bad situation.  
  
“Hey! Let’s go to Coney Island?” Peter manages not to grimace. They’d probably hate him even more if he told them he went there a few weeks ago with the Avengers for Captain America’s birthday.  _Captain America’s birthday!_ He didn’t even get time to properly freak out over it! He actually went skating with Captain America. Sure, he didn’t actually talk to the guy, but he saw him a few times and that was worth freaking out over.  
  
“Why don’t we do something less money involving? Like staying at home watching old movies or something?” Gwen and Mary Jane exchange glances at that; dubious glances. After simply staring at him for a solid minute Gwen just shrugged. It would have nothing to do with suspicion (of how much of his free time he’s been hanging out with The Avengers) and everything to do with how damn broke he is. It’s not a lie because he’s broke as shit.  
  
“Look, it’s Harry!  _Harry_ !” The brunet blinked looked up then gave a small smile before walking up to them with his hands jammed in his pockets. “Hey, Stranger.”  
  
“Hey... what’s up?”  
  
“You’re awfully mopey.” Gwen hissed as Mary Jane elbowed her. “What I  _meant_ to say was... hey Harry.” She glanced at Mary Jane who smiled.  
  
He sighed, “my dad said Oscorp is starting an internship and he wants all of you to apply.” Gwen, Mary Jane and Peter exchange glances before Gwen and Mary Jane started jumping up and down excited. “So I take it that’s a yes?”  
  
“Of course it’s a yes! If I can’t work for Stark Industries I’ll definitely try working for Oscorp.”  
  
Mary Jane glanced at her, “but what would you do?”  
  
“Who cares? It’s Oscorp.”  
  
“That might actually make for a good slogan.” Peter chuckled, “anyway I’m gonna have to pass. I think I can only hold down two jobs at the moment.”  
  
“You sure? Dad kinda had an eye on you.”  
  
Peter shrugged. “I can always check it out for you Harry but there’s no guarantee I’d get accepted  _or_ , you know, accept if I do get accepted.”  
  
Gwen rolled her eyes. “Peter, stop babbling and just do it.”  
  
++  
  
Peter begrudgingly joins Gwen, Mary Jane and Harry on their way to Oscorp the following day. Even though, he insisted on it being unnecessary. There had to be hundreds of people on the line awaiting entry though the majority wouldn’t even make it through the door. There were guards going up and down the line interviewing then subsequently taking people out of the line.  
  
Instead of going to the front, Harry simply waited in line with them. In the year and a half he knew Harry, Peter only met his father twice. Both instances had his spidey sense flare up. It wasn’t completely unheard of for Peter’s spider sense to act up around people upon introduction. The thing was a warning after all. The first time he met Tony his spider senses acted up – but that was because the guy flew through the room in his suit. Norman, however, was just... sitting there  _staring_ . Both times.  
  
The line trimmed down even more and the group found themselves near the front. A few people managed to make their way into the building in high spirits only to leave dejectedly moments later. Peter gulped. It was a good thing he wasn’t considering working for this guy.  
  
The guards didn’t even bother interviewing them once they reached the door and just let them through moving on to the people behind them.  
  
A guard motioned them inside Norman’s office where he was talking to a blonde. His spidey senses tingled immediately once he caught the profile of the blonde. “Mr. Osborn.” She purred. “I would be a very valuable asset to Oscorp.” The blonde drummed her fingers along the desk as Norman read her (possibly  _fake_ ) resume.  
  
Norman glanced up from his desk motioning Harry closer before looking back down at the folder. Harry sighed before pushing himself off the wall approaching his father’s desk. “What do you think?” He handed the folder to his son who skimmed it.  
  
Harry’s eyes widened. “S-She—”  
  
“Shhh. Overlook that part, the resume as a whole. She has Oscorp potential, don’t you think?”  
  
“We can’t have a criminal working here!” He hissed.  
  
_“Former_ criminal. Felicia Hardy is reformed and  _I_ believe in giving everyone a second chance.” Harry glanced at his father then Felicia who smiled innocently.  
  
The door opened again and a tall strawberry-blond walked in the door that closed behind him. Everyone stared at him for a moment before he took a seat in the chairs opposite of Peter, Gwen, and Mary Jane. Peter regarded him a bit longer than the others before returning his attention to the trio at the large desk. “I don’t agree to this.”  
  
“Well, good thing you’re not in charge then.”  
  
“Why bother asking for my opinion if you ignore it?”  
  
“I was hoping you wouldn’t be so shallow, son; no one is perfect. As a reformed jewel thief Ms. Hardy has a keen eye for details.” Felicia winked at Harry. “Ms. Hardy, go take a seat to the left.” Felicia nods complying.  
  
“Mr. Thompson, you’re up next.” The tall man nodded then stood, he and Felicia made some kind of visual exchange before he approached the desk (or maybe Peter was just being his usual paranoid self). The guy was so damn familiar yet Peter’s spider senses weren’t even giving so much as a pre-warning. Norman glanced at the resume, “your name is Eugene?” The guy nods. “Your resume is as impressive as my other... potential employee’s. Take your seat to the left.” The strawberry-blond nodded walking over to where Felicia was seated.  
  
It was then Peter recognized the guy completely. The guy sitting there was his former arch nemesis throughout the first two and a half years of high school. Eugene “Flash” Thompson was the typical bully/jock that spent his free time beating up or picking on Peter – among other kids. Ironically, Flash was Spider-Man’s biggest fan. He either got sick of bullying or went through one hell of a change because the last sixteen months of high school didn’t have Peter getting beaten up. No, that’s not true, he still got beaten up but it wasn’t by Flash. Then again, Flash wasn’t the only guy to beat Peter up but he sure as hell hit the hardest; even his superhuman durability didn’t lessen the pain.  
  
They parted amicably during graduation but Peter wouldn’t say they were  _friends_ or anything. In fact, Peter hadn’t seen the guy since graduation. Last he heard, Flash was joining the army or something.  
  
“Mr. Parker.” Peter’s head snapped up at Norman who beckoned him. He suppressed the sigh and ignored the thumbs up from both Mary Jane and Gwen as he walked up to the desk. “Resume?” Peter wordlessly complied.  
  
“Mr. Osborn—”  
  
Norman held a hand up as he kept reading, “don’t interrupt.” Peter was left standing there awkwardly while Norman deliberately took his time reading his resume. “As qualified as you are... something tells me you’re not interested in working here.”  
  
“Well, I already have a job—”  
  
“Working for Tony Stark.” Though it’s not a question Peter nods anyway, “do you even do any work over there?”  
  
Peter had to wonder that himself. A lot of the time, he just hung around the Avengers watching Disney movies, taste testing or playing with prototype Avengers merchandise before they got shipped out worldwide.  ~~ Those miniature Hawkeye arrows were awesome! ~~ Peter’s job was to help Tony and – vague as that description may be that was exactly what he was doing when he stopped by. A good number of Tony’s projects were solo, making Peter wonder why he even needed an assistant in the first place. However, whether the project was solo or not Peter’s opinion – as a “science bro” was often needed. “Yes.”  
  
Norman nodded. “Well, go sit on the left anyway. I’m not through with you yet.” He hands Peter back the resume as Peter walks over to the assigned seats plopping down next to Felicia. It was more like he took a seat at the edge and Felicia got up then sat next to him.  
  
“Fancy meeting you here.” She whispers, batting her eyelashes.  
  
“What are you doing here?” He whispered back but kept his eyes up front. Norman called Gwen up and she was standing at the desk.  
  
“Getting a job.”  
  
“Because fleeing from the authorities wasn’t enough for you?”  
  
“Ooh, someone’s cranky.” Peter tilted his head slightly in her direction. “It’s not like that was the first time that happened so don’t get your spandex all bunched up, Parker.” He glared at her. “Furthermore, contrary to what you may think, my resume is real. I’m highly qualified to work here. I even got interviewed at Stark Industries but it was too tempting working there.” That, Peter did not know... but this place didn’t have any fancy artwork or whatever usually caught Felicia’s eye. Stark Tower, however, was littered with priceless artifacts that Tony generally didn’t seem to care too much about and may not have noticed their disappearance. Sad to say but Felicia was a smart thief and Peter suspected she only got caught when she wanted to get caught. Damn, that probably meant he wasn’t as good at finding her as he originally thought.  
  
Gwen marched over to them warily eyeing Peter and Felicia before taking an empty seat away from them. The door opened then more people hustled in as Mary Jane approached Norman’s desk. It was possible Gwen knew Felicia was Black Cat but Peter never told her so she didn’t find out from him... if she even knew. And knowing Gwen she probably knew and was waiting for the appropriate time to chew him out.  
  
Mary Jane takes her seat next to Gwen then the next person steps up to the desk. The two girls are whispering to one another and Felicia is checking her nails. It was more out of a habit than anything. “You seem tense.” She glanced at him out the corner of her now brown eyes – first the wig now a wig and contacts?  ~~ She seemed to be a bit more subtle this time around. ~~   
  
“Yeah, imagine why.”  
  
Felicia smirked still checking her nails. “I have a viable piece of information you might be interested in hearing.” He’s gotta be breaking some sort of superhero/vigilante code by using a criminal as an informant... right? Then again, its not like Spider-Man has any high tech communicating devices like the Avengers or the Fantastic Four (that bastard Johnny showed him all kinds of tech his team used). Besides, he’s a loner so he really has no use for communication when he works alone. He  _had_ a comm link; an old one Johnny took from the Fantastic Four but he rarely uses it since he’s a solo act trying to get Gwen  _away_ from that scene. Still, Black Cat  _did_ try and team up with him a few times leading Peter to believe she’s not truly evil. Misguided? Yes. Occasionally up to trouble? Definitely. But not evil. Well not  _fully_ evil anyway.  
  
“What’s the information?”  
  
“I’m not giving it to you for free.”  
  
“You know I’m poor, right?”  
  
“I don’t  _need_ your money, Peter.” Riiiight, she’s a thief – if her money wasn’t stolen he’d be asking her for some. “And I don’t need your body either.” Peter couldn’t help but sigh – though he wasn’t sure why. “Info for info, seems fair right?”  
  
“What info could you possibly need from me?” Felicia just stares at him in that unnerving way she usually does when she thinks he’s being an idiot. She couldn’t possibly want Avengers info, could she? Black Cat was a loner too; albeit a criminal but a loner all the same. Avengers information wouldn’t be of any use to her.  
  
“You’re a smart guy, Pete, I’m sure you’ll figure it out. In the meantime I’ll take solace in you owing me.” She waggled her eyebrows. Peter sighed heavily. “There’s this new hero...” She pauses to which Peter feels is a dramatic effect, “Lightning guy or electric man?” She shrugs. “He controls electricity or something. I wanna scout him out and I want you to join me.”  
  
“Wouldn’t that be us calling it even?”  
  
Felicia scoffed. “I said info for info not info for teaming up.” Peter scowled. “We’ll meet tonight, in front of the building.”  
  
“Right.”  
  
Norman stands walking in front of his desk. “Congratulations to the eight of you.” Peter looks around noticing only ten people in the room. There had to be at least twenty before he started talking to Felicia. “You’re the only ones who qualified for part two.” The eight of them look around the room at one another then at Norman. “Be prepared for tomorrow because that’s when the fun begins.” As he dismisses them Felicia elbows Peter winking at him before disappearing.  
  
Once the room is empty Harry turns to his father. “ _Fun_ ? What do you plan on doing?”  
  
“I plan on having brilliant minds come together for Oscorp! I surely can’t leave the future solely in your hands. Not that you’re incapable it’s just...”  
  
“I’m not you.”  
  
“Exactly. Need I remind you of your grandfather?” Harry bristled. “I won’t let you turn into a failure, Harold. If that means giving Oscorp to someone who can run it the way I do when I’m gone – and I mean retired and not dead – that’s what I’ll do. Meanwhile, I’m going to assist you in becoming a better business man. The first step is to know who to trust. Contrary to the approach of most ruthless business men there are trustworthy people in the world you just need to know where to look.” Norman slowly walked behind his desk taking a seat. “Is there anyone you trust, Harold?”  
  
“Can’t say there is.”  
  
“Shame. You should work on that. Take the day off, son. I expect you here bright and early tomorrow. I’m not only looking for interns. I’m looking for your new partner.”  
  
“I can run Oscorp on my own.”  
  
“Prove it to me.”  
  
++  
  
After engorging himself with cheese fries at Gwen’s place, Peter suits up then resigns himself to meeting  ~~ Felicia – er,  ~~ Black Cat in front of Oscorp. It’s best to just get it out the way because she not only knows his secret identity, but she knows where he lives so she’d harass him. She may know Spider-Man is a tenant of the building the rest of the neighborhood does not, and Peter is content on keeping it that way. “It’s not like you to keep a girl waiting.”  
  
Black Cat swoops down beside him. Oscorp more than likely has cameras coming out the wazoo so they meet atop the building across from it instead. Spider-Man looks her up and down. “I should tell Kitty how much you like to flirt with me.”  
  
Black Cat just gives him that manic grin accompanied by a mischievous twinkle in her blue eyes. “Spider, we are so far over it’s not even funny.”  
  
“We were never together!”  
  
“And we never will be with that attitude.” Spider-Man sighs. This has become his superhero life: exchanging snarky comments with a villain... then teaming up with said villain. “ _Look_ .” Black Cat gasps, “see the lights flickering?” Sure enough the lights in Oscorp turn on. Then they shut off.  
  
Spider-Man’s frowning beneath his mask. With all the money Oscorp makes this can’t be the work of a delayed bill payment  _or_ faulty wiring. On the subject of bills – Peter had to pay his light bill before that cut off. If this electric guy was a good guy perhaps he could keep Peter’s lights on. No. That would technically be dishonest and an upstanding New Yorker such as Peter Parker didn’t get by having electric themed heroes juice up their electronics or keep their stuff going when they were legally cut off.  
  
“How are we supposed to get in there? Oh right, I forgot who I was asking.” So Spider-Man swings himself and Black Cat to the roof of the Oscorp building where Black Cat’s impressive burglary skills come into play and they slip inside. “I can’t believe I just unlawfully entered a building.”  
  
“Quit your whining.” The two of them make their way down to the ground floor, the lights turn on and they freeze. A man in a garish green and yellow outfit is also frozen standing in the middle of the floor. “Who the hell are you?” Black Cat, tactful as always, asks tilting her head.  
  
“I am Electro!” The man announces and the lights flicker off then on. “I’m a superhero.”  
  
“Well you’re certainly dressed the part. The name’s Black Cat, this is my associate Spider-Man.” Electro nods at them. “Why are you Oscorp after hours?”  
  
“I could ask you two the same thing.”  
  
“We only came here because the lights kept going on and off.” Spider-Man replied before Black Cat could, because he’s sure she was going to say something smart.  
  
“Oh, that was me.”  
  
Spider-Man sighed, “yeah. We figured. It doesn’t explain  _why_ you’re here.”  
  
“Oh. Well, I was here to test the circuit breakers and all that. One can never be too careful.” Spider-Man and Black Cat exchanged glances.  
  
“I think your source was skewed.” Black Cat sighs out a “yeah” shaking her head. “So, Electro, wanna tell us why you’re really here?”  
  
“I just told you—”  
  
“Really?” Black Cat puts her hands on her hips, “a  _‘superhero’_ coming into a closed building in the dead of night to test  _circuit breakers_ of all things? I don’t think I’ve ever heard such an array of bullshit in my entire life!” Electro scoffs. “At least when I get caught trying to steal something I have the courtesy to not lie about it.”  
  
“Alright fine! I’m no superhero, what’s it to you brats anyhow?”  
  
“We just  _might_ have to take you to jail?” Spider-Man shrugged. “That’s usually how these things work.” Electro balled up his fists as electricity started crackling around them. Black Cat gripped onto Spider-Man’s left shoulder.  
  
“I’ll assume you two aren’t Oscorp’s new security guards.”  
  
“Well you know what they say about assuming?” With Black Cat practically attached to his shoulder, Spider-Man jumped out of the way of Electro’s little bolts of electricity. The elevator dinged open then Black Cat detached herself then grabbed Spider-Man’s hand and they ran inside. Electro shot another bolt at them as the doors closed. “Oh, great idea because the elevator isn’t run by electricity!”

  
“You think I’m an idiot?” She climbed Spider-Man’s shoulders then punched off the top of the elevator and climbed out of it. Sighing, Spider-Man scaled the elevator climbing atop it. “Get us to the top.”  
  
Spider-Man grabbed her by the waist then shot a web upward climbing the elevator chute until they reached the top floor where he manually opened the doors enough for them to slip through. “This better not be a ploy to steal something.”  
  
Black Cat’s reply was cut off as the elevators dinged open and Electro came out. “I don’t know what you two thought you were doing but watching you squirming around is adorable.”  
  
“Couldn’t you try and break into somewhere else? There are people with job interviews here tomorrow!”  
  
Electro looked around, “I’ll spare your lives for now. You led me right to the good stuff.” He walked right past them going over to a desk. Spider-Man was set to say something but Black Cat tapped him on the shoulder with a knowing look. Great, she intended for this to happen. Electro was here to steal and who knew the mind of a thief better than a thief?  ~~ Black Cat would make one hell of a reformed villain. ~~   
  
Spider-Man rolled up his mask over his mouth to mouth the words:  _don’t. Steal. Anything!_ to Black Cat who sighed then rolled her eyes nodding with a grimace. Spider-Man nodded back puling his mask down all the way.  
  
Black Cat got to her feet slowly and silently then picked up a vase caressing it. “Hey,  _catch_ !” Electro turned around in time to get the vase thrown in his face. Spider-Man winced as he doubled over in pain broken shards around his bloody face.  
  
“Please don’t tell me that was your plan.”  
  
“Well no... but it worked, didn’t it?”  
  
The elevator dinged open again and Harry Osborn came out. “What’s going on here!?” He stared at Spider-Man, then Black Cat – who was wearing a different outfit than usual accompanied by a curly green wig – and finally his eyes landed on Electro who was cradling his face.  
  
“We caught the bad guy.” Black Cat replied. “You’re welcome by the way.”  
  
“You broke one of my father’s vases!”  
  
“Like he can’t buy another.” Black Cat rolled her eyes, “damn rich people. And they wonder why I steal...”  
  
“Your stealing isn’t justified.”  
  
“I’m like a modern day Robin Hood without the bow and arrow.” Spider-Man shook his head. Electro started to get up but Spider-Man webbed his feet together tripping him. “Kinky. Spider-Woman told me you webbed her whole body like some kind of bondage thing.”  
  
“We’re not talking about that now.  _Or ever_ .” Spider-Man turned back to Electro webbing his hands together for good measure. He turned to Harry, “you should probably call the cops now.”  
  
“Huh? Oh! Right.” Harry nods taking his cellphone out his pocket dialing the numbers nine and one before the battery dies. “What the hell?”  
  
“I control electricity.” Electro says proudly, “and I don’t even need to touch it.”  
  
“Great.” Spider-Man and Black Cat groan. They both turn to Harry.  
  
“W-What?”  
  
“I can’t go to the cops...” Black Cat starts then jerks her thumb at Spider-Man, “and neither can he. We’re both ‘menaces’ the authorities don’t trust. Me more so than him.”  
  
“But who knows how far Electro’s range is.” The lights shut off and the only reason why Spider-Man knows Black Cat is glaring at him is because her eyes are glowing... “You have glow in the dark contacts?” He sighs, “why am I surprised?”  
  
When the lights turn back on Electro’s gone. “Way to go, Spider.”  
  
“ _This_ is why we don’t team up, Cat.” Black Cat grabs his wrist then presses down on the web shooter shooting it in the corner around the desk. At the indignant squawk she shoots him a grin. The two of them walk over to behind the desk that was webbed where Electro is fumbling around. “X-Ray, glow in the dark contacts?  _Really_ ?”  
  
“With you? I figured I’d need them.”  
  
“How do we call the cops if he controls electricity?”  
  
“Here’s a crazy idea...  _walk to the police station_ .” Spider-Man elbows her shaking his head.  
  
Electro barks a laugh, “if any of you try to leave I’ll just reactivate the alarm—”  
  
Black Cat rolls her eyes, “which would put  _you_ in trouble since the cops will come anyway.” Electro gapes at her. “They just let anyone become a villain nowadays, huh?” She shakes her head. “No, no, by all means trip the alarms. Spider and I will get out just fine.” She grins.  
  
“I doubt that, we’re on the top floor.”  
  
Spider-Man turned to Black Cat who put her hands on her hips, “he’s got a point. We’re at least forty stories high.”  
  
“True but you could just web us out if something happens.” Black Cat sighed, “he needs villains coaching.”  
  
“Uh,  _no_ , he doesn’t. The less competent villains the world has, the better.”  
  
“ _Hey—_ ”  
  
“Wait.” Black Cat and Spider-Man turn to Harry. “How  _do_ we get to the cops if he cut off our only means of exiting?”  
  
“What? The place doesn’t have stairs? I’m pretty sure we walked down the stairs when we got here. Didn’t we?” Spider-Man nods.  
  
Harry sighs, “the doors open electronically.” Black Cat facepalms and Spider-Man loudly groans. “I told dad he relied on electricity too much...”  
  
“Then we’ll take him to the cops the old fashion way.” Black Cat unzips her outfit slightly and Spider-Man puts his hands over the eye parts of his mask. “I’m not getting naked, Jesus don’t be a prude.” She huffed taking out two pairs of rubber gloves.  
  
“Why did you—”  
  
“I don’t have pockets.” Harry nods slowly. Spider-Man slowly moved his hands catching the gloves she threw at him. He tilts his head. “On the off-chance he wasn’t a hero.”  
  
“Will the webs hold him?”  
  
“They usually do... but I never dealt with any electric based villains.” Spider-Man shrugged. “The only people I know that use electricity are Thor and Storm and I’ve never fought against them; thankfully.” Then there was Spider-Woman but he didn’t get the opportunity to see if she could break through his webs or shoot electricity all over her body and not just from her hands. Actually, she did break out of her webs but she didn’t use electricity. Which, now that he thinks about it, makes him wonder why she hadn’t tried it when they first met... or when he webbed her the second time?  
  
Black Cat hums putting her gloves on. “I don’t suppose you have any duct tape, do you?” Harry nods opening a draw tossing a roll toward her. She thanked him then strode toward Electro unrolling the tape.  
  
“N-Now wait a minute—” His protest was cut off when Black Cat slapped the tape over his mouth. She then cut the webs around him putting the duct tape over his hands and feet.  
  
Harry watched in awe, “you look too comfortable doing that.”  
  
“Hey man, the less you know – the better.” Gulping, Harry nods. “So what now Cat?”  
  
“ _Now_ , we have our friend here drop him off at the police station. Another job well done, pats on the back, etcetera, etcetera, all that jazz.”  
  
“But we’ll need to put the alarm back on.”  
  
“I can do it.” Despite wearing a mask, Black Cat just  _knows_ Spider-Man’s glaring at her. “I told you I wasn’t going to steal so I won’t.”  
  
“There’s a way to enable and disable the alarms—”  
  
“Its on the roof, I know.” Black Cat shrugged. “What? I saw it on the way in.”  
  
Harry blinked at her. “Right. There’s also one by the entrance. We can get to that one and enable the alarm manually, without electricity, so Electro can’t affect it.”  
  
“Great. Cat give him your gloves.” Black Cat started to protest but Spider-Man held up a hand. “I’m going to need to carry Harry and Electro.”  
  
“I’m not wearing the suit that helps me climb walls Spider-Man.” She took off one glove giving it to Harry. “This way we’ll both be alright.”  
  
“Fair enough.” Black Cat climbs on his back grinning, he cradles Harry under his left arm and a webbed up Electro in the right. Black Cat does that spy movie thing where you cut a whole in the glass in the shape – this time it’s a rectangle that can somehow fit all of them - then sticks it back.  
  
Spider-Man starts climbing the wall downward but slips dragging everyone even further down. “Are we too heavy? I really don’t want to test if cats really land on their feet.” They slip down further.  
  
“Maybe we should have tried the roof?”  
  
They continue slipping down until Black Cat lurches forward flying off Spider-Man’s shoulders. “Cat!” Harry latches onto Spider-Man’s waist as he shoots a web catching Black Cat. They must have slipped down at least ten floors so Spider-Man guides the webs to the ground but he sort of miscues it because Black Cat somehow ends up in a dumpster. He’s pretty sure she’s glaring and shouting obscenities at him but he can’t worry about that now. After all, she’s able to swear at him so she must not be injured. They slip even further and both Harry and Electro fall from his arms. “Oh great.” He jumps off the wall then webs both of them in mid air sticking them to the building before falling... onto a  _mattress_ ?  
  
“You’d be surprised what people throw out. Thanks for throwing me into a dumpster by the way!”  
  
“You’re not injured are you? So you’re welcome.”  
  
“What the hell happened exactly?”  
  
“I couldn’t stick... and I don’t even know why.”  
  
“Maybe you just can’t stick to glass?”  
  
“I usually can. A-Anyway, I can’t just leave them like that. I have enough webs to get up there and back so you work on the alarm.” Black Cat winked then saluted him then walked over to the circuit box.  
  
Spider-Man shot a web upward at the building then climbed it up to Harry’s level freeing him then instructing him to climb down the web, which he did. Now getting to Electro... the man was still tied up in duct tape and webbing so to get him off the wall would mean freeing most of the webs that prevented his escape. So he cut just the webs that stuck him to the wall then swung down to the ground with Electro.  
  
When the lights came back on in the building Spider-Man sighed. “I don’t know whether to be impressed or terrified that she got the power running.” Spider-Man shrugged. “So, thanks Spider-Man. Black Cat. I don’t think anyone’s gonna believe this.”  
  
Black Cat wrapped her arms around his shoulders, “which is why you’re gonna tell everyone Spider-Man did this job solo.”  
  
“But Cat—”  
  
She shook her head moving from Harry. “Let me have a little mystery, Spider. The two of you made a fabulous team, bad guy was no match. You get the drill.” Harry nods. “Great.” Suddenly the lights flickered on and on again in rapid succession until they all blew.  
  
The three of them looked down at Electro. Harry rubbed the back of his neck, “he  _did_ say he didn’t need to touch electricity to control it.” An alarm blared loudly.  
  
“And that, gentlemen, is my cue. Until next time Spider-Man.” Something inside the building exploded and shook the ground. “Okay... maybe I can stay for a bit longer.”  
  
“My spider sense...” Spider-Man trailed off then dove at Harry tackling him to the ground as one of the glass windows shattered spraying shards all over. “Hey are you alright?” Spider-Man loomed over Harry wincing at the cuts from the pieces of glass over his face and neck. “Oh no...”  
  
“I’m gonna have to say the response to that is no.” Spider-Man turned to her and she shrugged. “But think of what would have happened if you hadn’t moved him.” The sound of sirens approaching had them both snap up. “I’m getting the hell out of here and you  _might_ wanna do the same.”  
  
“But I can’t—”  
  
“Right. I forgot, you’re a morally upstanding kind of guy. Tell ya what, Kitty and I will visit you from jail.” She blew him a kiss before running off.  
  
His rep would suffer a blow regardless. If he left when the cops arrived things would get suspicious however if he stayed it would look like the whole thing was his fault. Flee or stand his ground and face being thrown in jail. Neither were very fitting options but Spider-Man – regardless of what the Daily Bugle said – was a hero and heroes didn’t flee to save their asses.  
  
The cops arrived suspiciously eyeing Spider-Man going over to Electro who was thrashing about. At least they didn’t point their guns at him this time. They must have been assessing the situation or something. The cops had to know Spider-Man didn’t just web people for fun – okay he  _did_ but only villains. Usually.  
  
“I need a medic.” One of the cops said into his radio. He turned to Spider-Man nodding. “We’ll take it from here, Spider-Man.” Trying not to seem as relieved as he felt Spider-Man nodded back.  
  
He swung away but stayed close enough to watch the paramedics take Harry away.  
  
++  
  
“What do you mean my son is in the hospital?”  
  
“ _There was...._ ” Static. “ _Something..._ ” More static. “ _Oscorp._ ” Static kept crackling through. “ _—ider..._ ” Then the phone call cut off.  
  
Sighing, Norman pushed himself out of his chair. Though Harry was legally an adult they were family and if Harry was injured there would be hell to pay. No one fucked with the Osborn family. When Norman got to the hospital he approached the desk. “I’m here for—”  
  
“You’re Norman Osborn!” The receptionist screamed. “I-I...” He blushed. “I’m so sorry. What can I help you with?”  
  
“My son Harold. Where is he?”  
  
“Harold?” The man flipped through a notebook of some sort. “There’s no one here by that name—  _Ah!_ The only Osborn here is Harry so you must mean him. He just came out of surgery.”  
  
Surgery?  _Surgery_ ! Norman balled up his fists. “What happened?”  
  
“It wasn’t a major surgery Mr. Osborn. There was just some shards of glass embedded in him. Oh and he broke his wrist but the surgery wasn’t for that.” The man cleared his throat. “He’s in room 209.” Norman took the offered visitors pass then walked down the hall. He must have looked as pissed as he felt because people were going all out trying to avoid walking in his way.  
  
“Well, well, well.” Norman froze before he could turn the knob on Harry’s door. “If it isn’t Osborn.” Norman turned looking at the man in the red scrubs.  
  
“Shouldn’t you be with neurology,  _Doctor Strange_ ?”  
  
“I was called to check on your son. He had a bit of hysteria earlier.” Norman opens the door and Doctor Strange follows. He pulls up a chair next to the bed and sits there wordlessly while Strange flips through the chart. “There are no abnormalities in his brain activity so I shall take my leave.”  
  
“Do you know what happened to him?”  
  
“I’m afraid I don’t. I’ll get one of the nurses to fill you in.” Then the doctor leaves.  
  
Norman sighs leaning back in his seat. If this was Harry’s interpretation of “proving” himself worthy of running Oscorp it needed work. Still, what the hell could have happened to him? There were hundreds of scenarios running through Norman’s head. And not one of them was pleasant. Though they lived in the same mansion Norman barely saw his son outside of work – and even those times were rare. Harry mentioned something about forgetting then left. Norman didn’t want the last words to his son to be:  _Prove it to me_ . He had half a mind to sue this hospital, he’d been waiting here for who knows how long and no one informed him of Harry’s condition or anything.  
  
There was a soft groan then Harry’s blue eyes fluttered open. Norman stood looking at his son. “What happened?”  
  
Harry grinned. “It was awesome.” He rasped. “I got to help stop a criminal with Spider-Man and Black Cat.”  
  
No wonder the doctors thought he was crazy. Norman believed him but it still sounded like a stretch. “It’s their fault that you’re like this?”  
  
“What? No.” Harry frowned, “why do you even care anyway? What’s with this sudden interest in my life dad?”  
  
“Sudden? Oh no, this hasn’t been  _sudden_ . I’ll admit I haven’t been the most affectionate father in the world but I care about you. I’d kill for you Harry,  _die for you_ , if Spider-Man or any ‘hero’ is responsible for you—”  
  
“Were you even listening? Spider-Man saved my life! If you wanna point fingers and blame someone blame the Electro guy. He controls electricity – he disabled the alarms then came into the building looking to steal something. When I got there Spider-Man had him webbed up but I couldn’t call the cops because he killed my phone battery. When we were climbing out the building something happened – I don’t remember then all the lights went out and something exploded.” Harry cradled his head.  
  
“You said  _Electro_ ?” Harry nods weakly. “Get some rest. I’ll be right back.” Without waiting for a reply, Norman exits the room then puts the phone to his ear dialing the number 7. The phone doesn’t even ring once before someone picks up. “I need info on an Electro.”  
  
_“Electro? Never heard of him... at least not yet. Standard fees apply either way.”_   
  
“I don’t care just do it.”  
  
_“Sure thing though you’ll be singing another tune when you get the bill. Oh... by the way, we know all about the little mercenary clique you created to help you save face. And just a little heads up? You might want to watch who you hire to protect you.”_ Norman shakes his head at the dial tone. When he walks back into Harry’s room his son is asleep again. They probably pumped him full of so many meds it’ll be impossible for him to maintain consciousness. Well, it didn’t matter it was probably for the best that Harry didn’t witness the upcoming events.  
  
++  
  
Peter slipped into his apartment, via closed but unlocked window away from any street lights just in case, shucking off his costume. It was a good thing his apartment had a built in washer because he couldn’t begin to explain to the neighbors why he was washing a Spider-Man costume; well, just as well he made two outfits. Either way they’d think he was Spider-Man or some huge ass nerd obsessed with him. With Peter’s luck it would undoubtedly be the latter. Which wasn’t  _much_ of a lie...  
  
Groaning, he pulled out a sewing kit. While his skin healed with the cuts, his suit – did not. Again, he had two outfits (more like he made the same outfit twice): one – a full one suited outfit and the other a pants/shirt combo. Right now he was working on sewing the latter.  
  
Grabbing a pair of boxers, he slipped them on then sat on the floor sewing up his suit. He probably should have grabbed a blanket or something because the floor was  _cold_ . The last thing people needed to see was him puttering around the apartment naked; fourteenth floor or not. He wasn’t the only person – hero/vigilante or otherwise – capable of soaring up high. And no one needed to think Peter Parker was some kind of exhibitionist; even worse than that was anyone finding out Spider-Man normally went commando under his suit.  
  
Maybe he’d build in some pockets or something while he was at it.  
  
The generic albeit angry ringing of his cellphone broke his train of thought. Realizing he didn’t take off the web shooters he aimed at the phone then when a web attached to it he pulled it to him answering it. “Parker residence, Peter speaking.”  
  
_“Oh good, I got you. I was afraid I’d have to talk to voicemail. How are you?”_   
  
Peter shifted, holding the phone between his ear and shoulders as he resumed sewing. He was half-expecting Gwen to call and bitch at him but talking to Doctor Connors was always a pleasant surprise. “Good Doc—” Just how many scientists did Peter truly know? “How are you?”  
  
“ _I am good as well. You certainly are popular._ ” Peter gulped. “ _I heard you had or rather have an interview with Norman Osborn?”_   
  
Peter grimaced thankful he wasn’t having a video call. “Yup. But, as you know, I already have a job – two really... so I’m going to politely decline Mr. Osborn’s offer. I mean, you did right?”  
  
“ _Of course_ .” The doctor chuckled. “ _Great minds and all that I suppose._ ”  
  
“Indubitably. So, not that I don’t enjoy our conversations but is there something on your mind, Doc?”  
  
_“No, not on my mind. On my hard drive.”_ Peter’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline. “ _If you’re not too busy, could you take it to Stark Industries and have them decode it?”_   
  
“For you, Doc? Of course. But you don’t need me to do it for you, I’m sure Tony will allow you entry.”  
  
_“I’m not so certain of that.”_   
  
“Aww, Doc, it’s cool. Look, what if we go together?” He heard the scientist hum on the other line, “and you and the other scientists can gush over your latest experiments! It’s a win-win.”  
  
_“I will take your word for it. So, tomorrow then?_ ”  
  
“Yes, absolutely. Meet me at Stark... oh crap. I’m working from Stark Mansion now. Do you know where that is?”  
  
“ _I’m sure I can find it. How about we meet there at noon?”_   
  
“Sounds good, talk to you— _see you_ tomorrow, Doc.”  
  
_“And you too, Peter.”_ Then the man hung up.  
  
Peter put the phone down then held up his sewn together shirt. He could never accuse himself of not being able to multitask again; now he had to move onto the pants. Only the phone started ringing again. “Parker residence—”  
  
“ _Don’t give me that bull, Parker.”_   
  
Peter flinched pricking himself with the needle, “G-Gwen? Wha—”  
  
_“Imagine my complete and utter shock when I see Spider-Man and Black Cat falling from Oscorp!”_ Peter winced.  _“What were you even doing!?!”_   
  
Peter sighed, “I may have teamed up with Cat tonight?” Peter held the phone away from his ear as Gwen screeched. “H-Hey, listen! Occasionally, Black Cat and I team up.”  
  
_“Why!?_ ” Gwen bit out.  
  
“Because sometimes she isn’t as evil as she lets on.” He had to tack on  **sometimes** because Black Cat could be downright ruthless. Oddly enough, as the years went on she became less like an insane run of the mill “neutral evil” villain and more like a “chaotic neutral” character. Which was still bad but not terrible.  
  
_“Peter, you goddamn idiot!_ ” Gwen hissed. “ _Do you have any idea how many times Black Cat tried to kill you?”_   
  
“Eight.” It might have been a rhetorical question but Peter made a note to remember how many times certain people tried to kill him. So far the person with the highest count was Doc Oc at thirty-two. Although he doubted Gwen wanted to know  _that_ piece of information. “Gwen, I’ve worked with lots of people who tried to kill me one minute then saved my life the next. This superhero thing is really fickle.” He heard Gwen groan on the other line. Peter’s phone was beeping. “Oh, Gwen. Got another call—” He snuffed out Gwen’s protests as he hit the talk button. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to hear your voice.”  
  
_“You’re just a regular ray of sunshine, ain’t ya, Parker?”_   
  
“What’s up, Storm?”  
  
_“You tell me. I was on my way home and I saw you and Black Cat slipping into Oscorp. Dude, don’t tell me her skintight outfit corrupted you to the dark side! Come back Pete, I’ll show as much skin as I have to in order to get you back on the side of good—”  
  
_ “Johnny, you don’t wear enough clothes and secondly I think Black Cat is going on the side of good.”  
  
Johnny scoffed. “ _Yeah right. Black Cat will never be good, at least not one hundred percent.”_   
  
“Are any of us?”  
  
_“Deep. Anyway, I need your apartment. I have to entertain and the Baxter Building is cockblocking central.”_   
  
“I’m busy sewing my suit, it got badly damaged. And that’s not something I can do anywhere else.”  
  
“ _How long will it take?”_   
  
“I’m willing to bite back the scathing remark on the tip of my tongue and just answer your question: it shouldn’t take too long. You owe me for this, you realize that... don’t you?”  
  
_“Dude, I will literally heat your apartment for the entire winter.”_   
  
“That’s all well and good but I need upfront payment Storm.”  
  
“ _I’ll let you stay in my room in the Baxter Building? Sue and the others may not know but they like you and they know we’re friends so...”_ Peter was beginning to suspect having Johnny know he is Spider-Man was not the best course of action, but nothing could be done short of going back in the past and erasing Johnny’s memories of that night. Johnny was his superhero best friend and occasionally when The Human Torch wasn’t doing fantastic things with the Fantastic Four he and Spider-Man were working together. Jeez, how much of a lone wolf was Spider-Man if he had so many team-ups?  
  
If he ever got to team up with Captain America his life would be set. The pinnacle of superhero-dom? Its definitely on his to-do list.  
  
“Nah... I kinda wanna stay in my apartment? I gotta meet someone – Doc Connors before you put your mind in the gutter – to talk to Tony about stuff.”  
  
“ _Ah. Well, I’m sorta flying over there right now but I’m alone so it shouldn’t take too long.”_   
  
“You abuse your powers of flight, you know that right?” Peter glanced up as his spider senses started flaring up to see Black Cat tapping on his window. “Let me call you back.” Then he hung up and scrambled over to the window opening it. “Twice in one night, now I know I’m unlucky.”  
  
Black Cat looked him up and down, Peter shook the though of hiding himself. This was his apartment dammit, he could be as naked or half-naked as he chose. “Someone put a hit out on you.”  
  
“Excuse me?”  
  
“You know, a hit? It’s when—”  
  
“I know what a hit is! My question is  _why_ ?!”  
  
“Hell if I know.” Peter gulped accepting the phone from Fel— _Black Cat_ . She was Black Cat in uniform.  
  
“The mercenaries of the month club? You’re not a mercenary.” Black Cat shrugs. Shaking his head, Peter checked the text.  
  
_‘Attn: Mercenaries. Is Spider-Man good or bad? It doesn’t matter. I’ll give a handsome reward to the one who brings me him alive.’_   
  
“Please don’t tell me you’re here to turn me in.”  
  
Black Cat rolled her eyes, “ _please_ . I came to offer my assistance.” Peter rose an eyebrow. “I need you alive and I doubt N.O. and that Frost bitch are going to keep it that way.”  
  
“Frost?  _Emma_ Frost? Wait, you need me alive?” Black Cat smirks at him. Peter shakes his head and if things couldn’t get any worse Johnny comes in the apartment through the opened window.  
  
“I’m—oh shit!” Johnny rubs the back of his neck. “Ah. I guess I know why you— I’m guessing she knows your identity if she’s talking to you while you’re in your skivvies.” Peter blushed with a nod. “‘Sup. We haven’t been properly introduced.” He flamed off extending his hand. “Jonathan Storm, Human Torch.”  
  
Black Cat removes her mask shaking Johnny’s hand. “If you know Peter and haven’t sold him out you must be somewhat trustworthy. Besides, everyone knows your identity.” Johnny shrugs. “You can call me Felicia. I’m sure Reed had Tony hack into S.H.I.E.L.D.’s files so you should know who I am.”  
  
“Reed doesn’t let me near the hacked files anymore so I don’t but you’re pretty so it’s alright.”  
  
“I appreciate the compliment but I have a girlfriend.”  
  
“Damn. I’ve been real unlucky as of lately.”  
  
“Don’t mention  _luck_ around someone with the moniker Black Cat.” The platinum blonde shrugged with a small smile. “I’m still working.”  
  
“Last minute cancellation.” Johnny shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Anyway, since I’m here we can go superheroing.”  
  
“He really shouldn’t, mercenaries are after him.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Although I’m not one hundred percent sure I have a pretty good idea.” Peter turns to her. “I got a text from Deadpool, well it was from Spider-Woman. I know, I know—”  
  
“So Spider-Woman  _does_ know your identity!”  
  
“And I know hers, not important.”  
  
“Wait, wait, wait. Spider-Woman, from the broadcast three weeks ago? I have that on my DVR. Is she seeing anyone?”  
  
“Johnny,  _really_ ? This isn’t the time! She works for Taskmaster, teams up with Deadpool  _and_ Black Cat, breaks criminals out of prison—”  
  
“And used to work for Hydra.”  
  
“—And use to—” Gaping, Peter blinks at her. “Are you serious!?!”  
  
Black Cat nods. “Told me herself. Anyway, so Spider-Woman and Deadpool told me the N.O. guy running the website is Norman Osborn and I told them the White Queen helping out was Frost.”  
  
Johnny tilts his head. “But how did they know you were up there?”  
  
“The website has a list of all mercenaries – by alias only – employed by N.O. and The White Queen. Apparently, while Spider-Woman is not listed Deadpool and Taskmaster are and since they work together and she knows me she told them to tell me or got them to do it. I don’t know the specifics.”  
  
“So I take it Frost knows your identity too?” Scowling, Black Cat nods. “Well, it’s not a stretch. She is a mind reader after all. Why would Norman Osborn have a website for mercenaries and have Emma Frost help?”  
  
“Don’t know about the Frost bit – other than her sending out the texts because who else knows who we really are behind our masks.” She huffed out a sigh, “as for Osborn, he’s rich so he can do whatever he wants.”  
  
“Then why would Osborn want Spider-Man?” Peter gasped. “It’s because he— _I—_ got Harry injured!”  
  
“When did you do that?!”  
  
“A few hours ago. It wasn’t on purpose, we weren’t really  _fighting_ but dealing with this guy named Electro when the building exploded and my spider sense activated because I saw some glass coming. Harry was right next to me, so I got him out of the way but he hit his head on the sidewalk.” The brunet grimaced.  
  
“Dude...” Johnny patted him on the back, “that’s so many levels of not right. If you need backup just say the word. The Human Torch and Spider-Man on another kickass adventure!”  
  
“Sorry, darling.” Black Cat drawled, “but this one’s all me.”  
  
“ _You_ ? You’re working for Osborn, right?”  
  
“Hey, I worked for a lot of people. Some of which actually tried to have me killed. I have no loyalties toward Osborn.”  
  
“Yeah and you don’t have any loyalties to us either.”  
  
“My loyalties are none of your goddamn business!”  
  
“It is when it puts my best friend in danger!”  
  
“Children!” Peter yelled massaging his temples. “ _The three of us_ are going to pay Osborn a visit.” He glanced at Black Cat, “if he or Frost have some kind of weird mind controlling device attached to you I’m not going to be very happy.”  
  
“ _You’re_ not going to be happy? What about me!?”  
  
++  
  
“Funny, I didn’t know Asgardians made house calls.” Taskmaster greets eyeing Amora the Enchantress and her faithful  ~~ lapdog— ~~ bodyguard making themselves comfortable in his apartment. If other worldly creatures wanted to just drop by unannounced he might have to relocate. Soon.  
  
Amora rose from the couch planting her hands on his masked face. “Master of tasks, I have heard many wonderful things about you.” She releases his face then walks back over to the couch. Yeah, that’s not good. Seriously, not good. All the people that hear “wonderful things about him” usually try to kill him because he’s too damn “wonderful.” “I come bearing a gift!” Taskmaster wanted no gifts from anyone outside of this world. Unless it came in the form of money.  _Usable_ “Midgardian” money. “Your doubt is radiating, darling, calm yourself.” Taskmaster sighs. “Now onto business I believe your woman of spiders will be able to assist with me returning by beloved to Asgard?” Right, this chick was— _is—_ super obsessed with Thor. But how the hell did she know about Jess? Wait, how the hell did she know about  _him_ ?!  
  
“The ‘woman of spiders’ is that what you said? Who told you about her?”  
  
“Darling, no one needs to  _tell_ me anything. I can influence mortals with the flick of a wrist, it’s child’s play really.” Taskmaster sighs heavily. Yes, of course.  _Everyone_ had mind-fucking powers lately. He wasn’t sure if Professor X didn’t just  _insist_ that they all talk to his mutants instead of them doing it willingly. Ah, if only he were able to copy abilities instead of just moves. The world would be a much simpler place for him. Less deadly too. But where would the fun in that be? Fun or no fun the less deadly part would be rather beneficial in his line of work.  
  
“Yeah. So... this ‘gift’ you have for me? What is it?”  
  
“All in good time, my friend. I am much more interested in what she will do to you.”  
  
“ _She_ ?” Taskmaster found himself pressed against the wall with a blade at his throat. “Don’t you ever use the door?”  
  
The blade was slowly removed, but not by much, “where would the fun in that be?”  
  
“To what do I owe the pleasure, Gamora? As you see I’m already entertaining this evening.” The green-haired woman looked over her shoulder at Amora who gave her a wave. “I’m working on your little project so don’t worry about it.”  
  
“Oh?” Gamora’s eyes narrow, “if you’re taking care of it  _why_ am I receiving intergalactic calls about mysterious blue blurs around New York?”  
  
Taskmaster shrugs, “don’t know but your phone bill is going to be incredibly high.” She slams him against the wall. “Fuck that’s gonna bruise.”  
  
“Start talking, Tony.”  
  
“Look, you told me Quill entrusted the kid to Stark so why are you giving him to me? I don’t recall becoming a mercenary and babysitter but I’ll make sure to update my status the next time someone wants me for a job!” That he could almost picture: Taskmaster – mercenary, all around badass, lovable son of a gun,  _solo “hero” babysitter_ . Not much for taking in work. “Oh and thanks for Spider-Woman by the way; she’s a real gem.” _When she was around!_   
  
“I didn’t give you Spider-Woman.”  
  
“No but  _you_ sent me to the Hydra facility under a guise of purebred bullshit. That much I can remember.” Even if he didn’t remember much else in the matter.  
  
“Yes, I sent you there but I never told you to train her.” Oh fuck, she’s  _right_ ! But how right is another story. If he could access his memories or jump back into the past he’d kick the shit out of himself for even suggesting bringing her with him would be a good idea. “We’re getting off topic. Whether you like it or not Nova is official Guardians business, the Avengers have no jurisdiction to him.”  
  
“Yet  _I_ do?”  
  
“Train him or I will kill you.” That’s about as much jurisdiction as he needs. “And spare me your bullshit, okay?”  
  
“What bullshit? The Avengers may not have any ‘right’ to take in Nova but seeing as how your leader pretty much handed him over on a shiny blue platter they kinda do. And you know they’re all about taking in strays.”  
  
“I’m not too sure that’s entirely true. Certain... individuals would think twice before teaming up with symbiote.”  
  
“You following me now?”  
  
Gamora grinned, “never stopped.”  
  
“Great. So I wasn’t just being paranoid. That’s good to know.” Yet utterly frightening. Didn’t they call Gamora the most dangerous woman in the galaxy or something? Oh why did he accept that phone call? Right, the money. Of course. What other reason could there be?  
  
“While I normally do not enjoy getting caught up in pathetic human problems you amuse me.”  
  
“So glad to be of service.” She releases her grip on him then walks over to the counter sitting on it. “So we’re done?” She nods. “Great, now you. My gift?”  
  
“Hm? Oh yes. It is rather... ironic actually.” Executioner _—that was the only thing the man was ever addressed as so, shitty memory notwithstanding, he (or anyone else) wasn’t gong to know the guy’s name (assuming he actually_ had _one)—_ stepped aside. Taskmaster leaned closer and would have comically rubbed his eyes in disbelief had it not been for the mask—oh hell he did it anyway. “As I said, rather ironic.” She smiles. Taskmaster blinked at the hooded individual standing there stoically, no matter how you looked at it the kid was clearly under some kind of mind control. “You can never have too many underlings.”  
  
“Let’s agree to disagree. Whatever spell or enchantment or whatever you have on her, can you lift it?”  
  
“Naturally but why would you want me to?”  
  
“I prefer my minions to be free thinkers, I’m old school like that.” Gamora snorts. Taskmaster pointedly ignores her before turning to Amora who waves her now glowing green aura having hands around then when she snaps the kid falls forward to Executioner’s waiting hands.  
  
“Not going to be much of a present if they refuse working with you.”  
  
“Trust me, I’m a very convincing teacher.” Rolling her eyes, Gamora shrugs. “Now... what is it exactly you want Spider-Woman to do regarding Thor?”  
  
++  
  
Norman Osborn was— _is—_ a rich man, getting mercenaries to do his bidding was but a small feat. Having two dozen highly dangerous people at his beck and call was nice and whatever, but it would be even nicer not to look over his shoulder during every disagreement. The only person that would be on par with mercenaries... are other mercenaries. Would he really hire  _more_ mercenaries to protect him from the group of mercenaries he already hired? No, that was wasteful; not to mention stupid because the new mercenaries might turn out to be worse than the first group.  
  
What he  _needed_ was a handful of “mercenaries’”(or what have you) watching his back. Some key choice “loyal” individuals that won’t just up and shoot him on a whim. People who had a common interest and a common enemy. So far he only had Toxin and Bullseye but they weren’t nearly enough. Toxin practically owed him his life so there was that; Bullseye was a different story though.  
  
It would be no trouble for him to spend the evening in the hospital, but he couldn’t put Harold in any more danger so he went home when he fell back asleep for the second time.  
  
His informant had yet to get back to him on any news on that bastard that put his son in the hospital. He was torn between killing this Electro fella and forcing him to work for him. Maybe he’d come to a compromise – force him to work then kill him when the job was done.  
  
“I believe you are overreacting.” Emma drawled as Norman glanced down at his phone. Still no damn call. How the hell much did you have to pay to get some damn information nowadays?! He glanced up at her, “it was his fault you know. Getting caught in the crossfire?”  
  
“So I have you to thank for Electro’s appearance?”  
  
“Of course not. I just read his mind I didn’t try and stop him. Besides, I can’t predict the future.” Norman narrowed his eyes at her. He doubted that was true. “Your boy will live. He has no serious injuries and he’s secure and away from any danger, which was you wanted in the first place, was it not? And I don’t have to be a mind reader to know that.” She shrugs, “it helps though.”  
  
“Noted. And if you think I am overreacting you have no idea what overreacting truly is. Someone is going to pay for putting my son in the hospital whether it was his fault or not.” Emma rolls her eyes. “And don’t think I’m taking Spider-Man or Black Cat out of this.”  
  
“Electro is who you want but since you put out that text Black Cat is bringing Spider-Man here.”  
  
“Oh? Well she works fast.”  
  
“Do you truly believe she is here to turn him in?”  
  
“I never understood your fascination with insisting she join this little ‘club’ in the first place. We can’t trust her...” He looked Emma up and down, “then again, I can’t trust you either.”  
  
“And you shouldn’t.” She folded her arms against her chest as she sat back, “that would be stupid.”  
  
Damn right it would be. Honestly, he wouldn’t be surprised if she influenced him into starting this whole arrangement of theirs in the first place. Outright  _asking_ would be a no go and you can’t really outsmart someone who can read your mind. In fact even thinking about it wasn’t a smart thing to do. At least she expressed an interest in keeping him alive so he didn’t have to worry about any of their “employees” putting a bullet or knife in his back... or front.  
  
_Unless_ her only interest in keeping him alive was for her to kill him herself.  
  
Honestly, that wouldn’t be too much of a stretch. The only way for him to beat her to the punch was if he got a telepath at her level. Unfortunately, he didn’t know any telepaths other than her, Professor X or Jean Grey and neither the Professor or  _Phoenix_ would help him.  
  
“I don’t suppose  _you_ would be willing to help, would you?” Emma rose an eyebrow looking him up and down. “I’d be no good to you dead.”  
  
“Don’t worry your pretty little head, Osborn, I doubt Spider-Man would purposely kill you.” Why did she say purposely? “Anyway the number four is already taken, right? There’s just something  _fantastic_ about it, wouldn’t you agree?”  
  
“Oh no, my dear, with you makes six.” Emma turned around in her chair seeing Bullseye, Toxin, Doc Oc and some guy she didn’t recognize.  
  
“Oh dear, that is almost as interesting as...” She trails off as Black Cat taps on the window. Norman stands motioning for her to come in.  
  
“You’d better have good news for me, Cat.”  
  
“Mr. Osborn.” She curtsies despite the absence of a skirt. “I’m here to collect my fee, no muss... no fuss.”  
  
“I’m not sure how I’m going to pay you when I don’t see Spider-Man with you.” Black Cat folds her arms over her chest. “Besides, considering you were indirectly involved in my son ending up in the hospital I’m not obligated to pay you anything.”  
  
“That’s a shame. Such a fucking shame.” She sighs dropping her hands to the side. “And your villain reject posse? Were you expecting a fight?”  
  
Two of Doctor Otto Octavius’ arm things shoot out grabbing Black Cat by the waist and neck. “I thought spiders played with flies not cats.” Black Cat grins at him. Doc Oc’s right eyebrow twitches and he starts flexing his real arms since the ones around Black Cat are motionless. “Why can’t we kill her again?”  
  
Emma sighs that  _-I’m surrounded by idiots-_ sigh Norman has unfortunately become familiar with over the past few days. “Black Cat is merely a distraction.” She shakes her head, “darling, why bother protecting Spider-Man?”  
  
“Frost, the only one I’m protecting here is myself.” An alarm blares overhead, everyone but Black Cat looks around the room. Doc Oc tightens his grip around Black Cat’s waist. The lights shut off, Doc Oc howls in pain then the lights turn back on.  
  
“Now this is a party!” The Human Torch says – due to him being on fire its difficult to see his expression clearly. Surrounding him (but not floating in mid air) are Black Cat, Spider-Man, Spider-Woman, Shadowcat and Nova on a ledge. “Would you look at that? There are six of us and six of you~”  
  
Spider-Man sighs as Osborn’s little clique gears up for a fight. By the time they got to Oscorp’s main warehouse, Kitty and Spider-Woman were here waiting. Spider-Man believes Black Cat contacted them beforehand. He’s still not sure  _where_ Nova came from though. But that was just Nova – the kid seemed to pop up in random intervals.  
  
“Spider-Man, what are we doing? I simply want to talk to you.” As Norman takes a step forward someone (either Spider-Woman or Nova) shoot something at his feet.  
  
“Do I get my fee now? I brought Spider-Man to you.” Black Cat grinned. Norman narrows his eyes. “No? Fine. Att—”  
  
A loud whistle draws everyone’s attention (and flares up Spider-Man’s spidey sense). “Sorry. I’m terribly sorry for this.” Taskmaster drawls leaning against one of the open doors, “I’m afraid you guys have something that belongs to me.” He gestures to Spider-Woman who stiffens. “Two things really.” He looks over his shoulder and nods. “But hey, I’m a fair guy so I’m willing to trade.” Two black arms shoot out from behind Taskmaster, one grabs Spider-Woman and the other grabs Nova. Before anyone could say or do anything the arm pulls both of them to Taskmaster tossing someone else out in front of Osborn. Norman raises an eyebrow as he sees a bound and gagged man at his feet. “Electro. You’re welcome by the way.”  
  
Spider-Woman is freed from the black arm (most likely Venom but Spider-Man doesn’t know  _why_ Venom has teamed up with Taskmaster), she leans over to Taskmaster whispering in his ear. Sighing heavily, he nods.  
  
_Something_ flies into the middle of the room. It starts beeping before smoke erupts from it.  
  
Johnny de-flames almost instantly and Spider-Man grabs Black Cat and Shadowcat with one hand and Johnny with the other as he swings out of there. When they get outside they see Spider-Woman saluting before jumping over a building.  
  
“Well that was anticlimactic.” Johnny sighs flaming up again. “I was itching for a fight.”  
  
“By the way, that thing in the floor was an arrow.” Shadowcat says with a nod. “I managed to get a look at it as we were swinging away.”  
  
“Bullseye?” Johnny asks.  
  
“No, he was with Osborn.”  
  
“Hawkeye?” Spider-Man asks.  
  
“Doubt it.” Kitty frowns. “Not that arrows are rare or anything but they aren’t exactly the weapon of choice for most people. It’s either swords or guns or bare hands. Who else uses a bow and arrow?”  
  
“We can worry about that later. We need to worry about Taskmaster having Venom symbiote.”  
  
Johnny turned to him. “Are you sure?” Spider-Man nods. “Damn. I should have shot at it then.” He sighs.  
  
Kitty frowns, “so Taskmaster has Deadpool, Spider-Woman—” She shoots a glare to Black Cat who shrugs, “Venom and now he kidnapped Nova?”  
  
Spider-Man facepalms. “I forgot about that!”

 


	7. The Hydra Grunt Formerly Known As Arachne

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica Miriam Drew is far more than just Taskmaster’s right-hand underling and a former Hydra grunt... wait, what do you mean she isn’t?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Memo (or A/N or whatever): the events of this particular chapter go in backwards order; also, this takes place (way) before Web # 1 – Spider Vs Spider?

“You gotta understand, kid. No one wants to hire anyone without experience. I mean, what did you think would happen when you showed up? You’d just get the job? Just like that? Ms. Potts isn’t looking for any mook off the street for—”  
  
“What’s going on here?” The security guard stiffens as a redhead strolls over to them. _Everything_ about this woman exudes an aura of intimidation; from the woman’s tight ponytail to her kickass power suit to the heels on her feet. Jessica doesn’t know _who_ this woman is but in addition to being slightly intimidated she might be salivating a bit. “Well?” The man twitches. To hell with _a bit_ she’s salivating _a lot_.  
  
“S-Sorry, Ms. Potts. This... _kid_ claims to be interested in the personal assistant job, but she has no references, no experience, no—” When the redhead lifts a perfectly french manicured hand, the man snaps his mouth shut. Damn.  
  
The woman turns to her, “what’s your name?”  
  
“J-Jessica. Jessica Drew.”  
  
The woman nods walking over to Jessica extending her hand. “Well Jessica. Jessica Drew. I’m Virginia Potts but...” She sighs, “I go by Pepper. Long story.” The two of them shake hands, “let’s talk.”  
  
“Ms. Potts—”  
  
“I can handle it.” The guard deflates but not before shooting Jessica one more glare. Jessica resists the urge to stick her tongue out at the man and follows the redhead— _Pepper—_ down the hall. Jessica believes Pepper can wholeheartedly handle it or damn near anything that comes her way... and then some. Pepper might be one of the scariest people Jessica’s ever met. “How old are you, Jessica? If you don’t mind me asking?”  
  
“I don’t mind at all; I’m twenty.”  
  
Pepper nods, “to be honest as a personal assistant myself I normally wouldn’t need an assistant of my own but...” She trails off with a shrug.  
  
“Wait, you’re hiring me?”  
  
“Not yet.” Pepper laughs, “I’m an equal opportunist. No experience or a hell of a lot of experience – everyone gets a shot.” Pepper grins, “thing is...” She stops walking then opens a door. Jessica eyes the group of people all staring back at her. This was not what she expected, “ _all_ my potential assistants start working at the same time.”  
  
“A personal assistant battle royale? Nice.”  
  
“Thank you.” Pepper chuckles, “and good luck.” Jessica nods as Pepper closes the door. There is no way in hell she’s leaving here without being Pepper’s assistant.  
  
++  
  
Taskmaster considers himself a reasonable man – at least he _thinks_ he considers himself so. Despite the label of “neutral” in this superhero-supervillain world we all live in, it appears that “villains” are (slightly) more likely to pay for his services. Not that he doesn’t get offers from heroes or other neutrals. It’s roughly 45% villains, 30% neutrals and 25% heroes if Sandi’s stats are anything to go by (and they usually are).  
  
He doesn’t know _what_ Osborn considers himself, but Taskmaster could only classify the guy as batshit cuckoo bananas. And if there is one thing Taskmaster knows its purebred certifiably not sane individuals. Interpreting crazy could be a side job of his; well, _another_ side job. Well, it would be his only side job since this whole mercenary gig is a full-time deal. Osborn, with a serious face, asks him – _him of all people_ – to get the blood of one Spider-Man; local solo hero of the great state of New York with a non-costumed identity currently unknown. Doesn’t want the identity, just wants the blood. Although getting the blood might lead to the identity but that is neither here nor there. ~~This task required subtly and a shitload of other things to weird to even mention.~~ Osborn would send cryptic messages every few days, which meant Taskmaster had to stay in one place – said place being New York in order to remain close to his target. Being in one place didn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t taking other side jobs. It just meant he was taking jobs within the tri-state area. Considering a large population of the super community located in New York he didn’t have to worry about work.  
  
He spent a few days crashing at Wade or _Deadpool’s_ place until the man annoyed the shit out of him – per the norm – and he got his own place. A better base of operations as it were. A place where he and his... underling can train, meditate _and_ steer clear of Wade. A triple win if there were such a thing. Of course when he always went over to Wade’s then Wade, in turn, came over to his it wasn’t as big a win as one would think.  
  
Jessica huffs for the fifteen thousandth time. “Come on Boss, you know I can take him!” The brunette paces back and forth around the living room; he, Wade, Sandi and Shiklah were watching with barely concealed amusement. “It’s like before a football game and we strategize and whatnot? Checking the target’s abilities, strengths, weaknesses? That sort of thing?”  
  
“This isn’t just some fight, Jessica, you need to get his blood.”  
  
“Did we—” Shiklah clamps a hand over Wade’s mouth.  
  
“What better way to get his blood than to beat it out of him?” Taskmaster glances at Sandi who shrugs before jotting something down in her notepad. “I need to get out of this apartment!”  
  
Shiklah sits up removing her hand from Wade’s mouth. In Wade’s apartment, Wade is Wade meaning he’s maskless. Had the present company not been used to his face he wouldn’t be as comfortable without the mask... at the same time there were several boxes of pizza around and he couldn’t eat with the mask on. Because, being Wade, he has tried that... several times. “I believe you should allow the child this one mission. How do you expect your warrior to gain strength if you micromanage her?”  
  
“Okay, first of all, I am not a child and secondly thank you for your confidence, Shiklah.” The woman inclines her head in Jessica’s direction.  
  
“I would have no need to micromanage if she...” Taskmaster groans, “alright I get it!” Jess pumps her fist in the air. “You fuck this up and you will not be so eager for another solo mission, ever. You can do this on your own, your own way, but we will be in touch. But we’re gonna need to go over a few things before you do.”  
  
“That’s fine. It’s completely fine.”  
  
“I’m not expecting you to rush head first into battle.”  
  
“And I’ll try my hardest not to.” Taskmaster facepalms.  
  
“What are we supposed to do?” Wade asks, holding several slices of pizza near his mouth.  
  
“This doesn’t concern you three so I suppose you have a few nights off.”  
  
“Just as well, I should probably get back.” Shiklah stands gracefully pulling up Wade, pizza and all, up with her. “The primary reason for this visit was of conjugal.” Jessica and Sandi look up at her. “I leave you to your evening.”  
  
“My baby’s a freak~” Wade crows being dragged into the room.  
  
“You sure you two got this?” Sandi asks raising that oh-so familiar unimpressed eyebrow of hers.  
  
“No, but you deserve time off.” There’s some exaggerated throat clearing coming from Jessica but Sandi brushes it off. “We’re getting this done within the week so don’t be too busy after that.” She grins then winks at him before leaving. “Now we need to get the hell out of here before those two start fucking.” Jessica nods in agreement.  
  
++  
  
“I need a job.” Jessica breathes out tossing the paper on the table. “What’s the point of having the classified ads if you don’t hire the people who answer them?”  
  
“I think it might have something to do with job experience.”  
  
Jessica groans, “that’s discrimination, Sandi.” The brunette hums nodding in agreement. “How am I suppose to juggle a mild-mannered alter-ego if I don’t have a mild-mannered, alter-ego job? It’s impossible to juggle one thing.”  
  
“Hm. True. That _is_ difficult.” The brunette twirls her pen between her fingers. “Hey, gimme a word that rhymes with purple?”  
  
“Purple doesn’t have a rhyming word.”  
  
The brunette tilts her head, “seriously? Shit, I need to edit this...”  
  
“Please tell me Wade doesn’t have you writing actual letters of trash-talk to his various enemies?” Sandi looks up briefly before putting her head back down writing. “I swear you have the world’s easiest job.” Jessica blinks, “wait a minute! You’re pretty much Wade’s personal assistant, right? If your job is so damn easy I should be able to do that and the... _the other thing_.”  
  
“In theory.” She side-eyes Sandi, “I didn’t say it wasn’t possible. I said in theory. Being a personal assistant is not as easy as it looks. Granted, I am a special case because my boss is a superhero – or tries to be one.”  
  
“Sandi, coffee break~” Deadpool wails.  
  
Sandi rises from the desk. “Sure thing boss, extra marshmallows?”  
  
“You know it!”  
  
Jessica grimaces, “he puts _marshmallows_ in coffee?”  
  
“As I said, I’m a special case.”  
  
“So, all I need is to find a superhero that needs a personal assistant—”  
  
“All the while hiding the fact that you are a masked neutral ‘vigilante’ that person will, at some point in time, try to stop. _Plus_ , you work for Taskmaster; someone the majority of the costumed community, good or bad, considers a serious threat.”  
  
“Shit, when you put it that way it does sound a lot harder than it needs to be.”  
  
++  
  
In Oscorp, Taskmaster – in a different mask but outside his normal cape motif – approaches the desk of one Norman Osborn. He and Osborn have not done much business in the past because Osborn’s preferred go-to mercenary is lounging in the chair beside the aforementioned man. Taskmaster can’t say he has many regulars. “Tasky, its been far too long... or has it?” He tilts his head, “I forget and I know you sure as hell don’t know.”  
  
“Bullseye, I need to speak to Mr. Masters alone for a moment.” If Bullseye’s surprised by the dismissal he doesn’t voice it. The bald man blatantly sizes him up before leaving the room. Osborn sizes up the man himself before sitting up straight. For someone who dons a mask all the time, Taskmaster’s masks are inherently expressive – one might think it’s the opposite of how it should be but its part of Taskmaster’s unique charm as it were. “I have a proposition for you; have a seat.”  
  
“I think I’ll stand.” Taskmaster cocks his head to the left. “If you don’t mind.”  
  
“Very well, I’ll get down to it. Last week I saw that fight – if one might call it that – between yourself and Spider-Man.” Taskmaster scoffs. “Considering you have history with him this job should not be too difficult.” If the man’s mask had eyebrows, Norman was certain they’d be raising right now. “You see, I am in need of Spider-Man’s blood.”  
  
“Are you shitting me right now?”  
  
Norman shakes his head. “Rest assured, this is an actual job—”  
  
“That has taken on levels of creepiness not yet achieved by any other client, ever.”  
  
“It’s a scientific reason.”  
  
“You should know Stark is the only one allowed to use _for science_ as an actual response.” Norman rolls his eyes. “Don’t tell me, in fact I’m asking you not to tell me. The less I know about this the better.”  
  
“So you’ll do it?”  
  
“Well, Mr. Osborn, that all depends on the price, right?”  
  
++  
  
“Boss, you have a guest.”  
  
“A guest?” Deadpool shot out of his chair running into the next room. Pausing, he sees Taskmaster leaning against the doorway. Out of all the mercenaries or whatever he teamed up with in the past Taskmaster, by far, is one of the most – if not the most – entertaining. {Of course that’s not something we’re gonna tell him, ever.} [It’ll boost his ego.] Sandi turns in the swivel chair shrugging. “Tasky! And you brought your fabled right-hand with you.” The girl in the red and white mask looks him up and down.  
  
“This is Spider-Woman.”  
  
[{“That’s seriously the name you’re going with?”}] Deadpool tilts his head, “you’re not getting any points for originality.” Taskmaster jerks his head in his direction and Spider-Woman’s hands dart out grabbing him by the shoulder. Before Deadpool could speak electricity comes from Spider-Woman’s hands shocking him. [This is far hotter than it has any right to be! Literally!]  
  
Taskmaster nods and she drops her hands. “I’ll admit the name isn’t original but this masked vigilante game isn’t either.”  
  
Deadpool nods twitching. “I like her. Where’d you get her from?”  
  
“Is he alright?”  
  
“That depends.” Taskmaster pats her on the head, “sprang her from a Hydra facility.”  
  
“I distinctly remember you destroying a Hydra base just last week.” {Why are we reminding him of this? It’s not like he’ll remember.}  
  
“I got paid to do that last week just as how I got paid to train their grunts three months ago. Trust me, Hydra is the one organization my loyalty will never be with – even for the right price.”  
  
“How noble of you, Tasky. Anyway, the girl... what are you going to do with her?”  
  
“Train her, of course.”  
  
“Who paid you to do that?”  
  
“Gamora.”  
  
“Gamora!? Guardians Of The Galaxy Gamora? What the fuck would she want with you?” [Is that a spoiler?] {No, it’s just a question. We haven’t gotten to the point where it would be a spoiler.} [Oh.] Taskmaster shrugs. “Okay so... Taskmaster, notorious mercenary and professional babysitter?”  
  
“Just because you cannot die permanently does not mean I am incapable of murdering you, several times.”  
  
++  
  
“Yeah, yeah. Hail Hydra and all that jazz.” Taskmaster said flippantly simultaneously pretending to listen to whoever the hell this was walking by while seeing if Hydra had any good weapons ripe for the picking. He was in dire need of some blackmail material. A.I.M. won’t leave him alone. Ooh, _Project Venom_? That was something to come back to. Hacking that file is definitely under the “ _do now”_ category.  
  
Suddenly, a frumpy looking Hydra agent falls in front of his feet. Impressive way to grovel, but he was a bit busy at the moment. Taskmaster normally wanted nothing to do with Hydra in any way shape or form, but who was he do discriminate when it came to getting paid? Besides, all Hydra asked him to do (at the moment) was train new recruits. “Training” consisted of them fighting one another – at once, with weapons, there was an eighty-five percent chance that they’d all end up dead. Anyway it was best to prepare them. Easiest payday ever.  
  
This aforementioned frumpy agent stood and cracked their back in a painful sounding way. Like A.I.M., Hydra had gender neutral, hideous outfits. Unlike A.I.M., these weren’t giant beekeeper outfits... not that they weren’t just as ugly. Green and yellow only looked good together when they were on the uniform of the Green Bay Packers... unless _they_ were all Hydra too. _That_ was something to think of.  
  
Aside from the pay, he also took this Hydra job to retrieve something from Gamora. The... whatever the hell she is, sent him cryptic, contradicting, condescending messages, but paid him an exorbitant amount of cash. Unless she was asking for his severed body parts he was going to at least scope the place out. There were no refunds since he normally got the job done and even if he didn’t, he already got paid and nothing short of Gamora skewering him would make him grant a refund request. He should really narrow his jobs down to the ones that **don’t** result in his imminent death if he fails.  
  
He and the agent engaged in a masked staring match until yet another frumpy agent landed on the floor. If this was the best Hydra had to offer, Taskmaster himself would have no trouble taking them down. Take their money while destroying them from the inside? He’d be doing the world a public service getting rid of Hydra (and think of the pay...), but there was the whole _cut off one head a million more rejects line up to take its place_. No way in hell was he going to be on Hydra’s hit list... even if they got their thousands of sad lackeys to get him.  
  
The way he saw it, he could train the hell out of these losers and turn them into Taskmaster certified killing machines. _Or_ he could “train them” and spend the rest of his miserable, paranoid life fleeing Hydra’s ever extending gangly limbs.  
  
Maybe he could train them part of the way, that way they wouldn’t be too much for him to handle when he got the fuck out of dodge.  
  
Which was going to be sooner rather than later. He could only stomach so much green and yellow in one sitting.  
  
Oh, and the frumpy agent number one was still staring (?) at him. “Can I help you with something?”  
  
“Aren’t you supposed to be training us?”  
  
“What do you think I’m doing?” Another agent falls on the floor near them, “group attacks are a popular thing; you gotta be prepared.”  
  
The agent just stares – probably, they are still wearing a mask – before heading back to the pile. Yeah, he’d have to watch out for that one.  
  
The days turned into weeks that turned into months – well _a month_ – and he is _still_ training these idiots in hand-to-hand combat. After day two’s disaster with the firearms that cost Hydra four agents their lives, he stuck to not having them blow themselves up. The frumpy agent engaged in his first day stare down dyed their suit red. He’s really not sure how he can tell it’s the same person, but he knows. Whoever is behind that suit is in a level above the rest. Vermis didn’t seem to mind but that guy hardly paid attention to anything the grunts did.  
  
“I see the training is going well?” He wore a mask with eye holes, which enabled him to roll his eyes at the “Supreme Hydra” beside him. “Oh...” He tilts his head, “that is not good.” Taskmaster follows his line of sight to the red clad agent. “Fix that.” ~~Apparently, he does mind. He minds it a lot.~~  
  
“ _Me_? Why the hell should—oh right, that’s what you’re paying me for.” He sighs then nods.  
  
“Excellent.”  
  
After the agents, not clad in red, beat the ever loving shit out of each other Taskmaster beckoned the red agent over. “Vermis says you’re becoming a problem?”  
  
The agent snorts taking off the helmet revealing long brown hair and a pissed off expression. “Wouldn’t be the first time.” Taskmaster nods slowly, “still not bothering to actually train us?”  
  
“You I’d train, let the others figure it out.” He jerks his head to the left, “follow me.”  
  
Hydra Agent Red is one hell of a quick study: agile, mouthy, strong. All in all it seems a waste to leave her with Hydra. But Taskmaster is far from sentimental. She’d pass through grunt status to be one of Hydra’s top lackeys – Vermis’ right hand even. Or, considering how _old_ Vermis is, Vermis’ successor’s right hand.  
  
After “training” the other recruits, he individually trains Red – who has been given a new fancy suit equipped with glider wings (oh and it’s after a few days of training Taskmaster notices her “abilities”). She’s no longer nameless Hydra Agent Grunt Number One Thousand-One after less than two weeks of individualized Taskmaster training. She’s now Hydra Agent Arachne – the new outfit is green, much to her dismay, but she no longer needs grunt classes.  
  
Red huffs eyeing her red suit in the glass case in front of her. After she got the new suit she dyed that red too, so they gave her a _new_ -new suit. Either she has an affinity for the color or she likes pissing off Vermis. Taskmaster’s developed a penchant for doing that as well. The man turns an undiscovered shade of red when he reaches his boiling point. She disappears the days Taskmaster isn’t training her, and his damn curiosity has him asking “Supreme Hydra” where she is. His response is usually the same: she’s being conditioned ( _re_ -conditioned). It’s gonna be tough breaking this kid. He’s heard the stories about how difficult The Winter Soldier was at first, she seems up to par in that regard. Red usually dives head first into training, but that’s not the case today. She’s sitting on the floor watching the other agents do laps. Or whatever they pass off as laps. They’re getting better with the fighting. No casualties since day two. Yet, they’re still running at a subpar level. How is that possible? He glances down at Red who huffs again. “Why the long face, kid? You’ll be bringing justice in the name of Hydra and whatever else monologue that goes on—”  
  
“Do you ever get the feeling that you’re not going up to your full potential?” She glances up at him. “Only doing things because you don’t know much else?”  
  
“Since when did you get so deep?” Taskmaster plops down beside her. “Speaking as a mercenary, I’m used to doing things because I don’t know much else. As far as living up to my full potential, I do that all the time. You are living proof.” She purses her lips. “It’s been seven weeks since I came here and not even two full weeks since I trained you and you’re good enough to be a Hydra right hand. Hell, you’re even better than that. I’d even take you as a lackey.” He shrugs as she glances at him. “Kid—”  
  
“Jessica.” Taskmaster tilts his head, “my name? It’s not _Agent_ or Kid or Arachne.” She shudders at the last bit, “it’s Jessica. I liked training with you, the last few guys we had here weren’t that good.”  
  
“Well we all can’t be Taskmaster and you weren’t as annoying as I initially thought you would be and I’ve dealt with annoying individuals – and annoying Hydra individuals.” Jessica hums. “Look. I normally don’t do this and I’ve already got my pay but let me offer some advice; if you’re soul searching and whatever why not just ditch Hydra? You didn’t sign away your free will did you? Because that’ll be a deal breaker.”  
  
“No.” She snorts a laugh. “I didn’t sign anything. I’ve been here as long as I could remember. Vermis has always been watching out for me. He’s the one that made me this way.”  
  
“I’m going to need an elaboration on that part.”  
  
“I was a spider, experimented on and became human.” There were far too many puns buzzing around in his head so he just gestured for her to continue. “It was Hydra, Vermis, that made me – well made me human. I owe them, right?”  
  
“Well, based on that logic, I’d so S.H.I.E.L.D. an arm and both legs and maybe even a kidney, but I have no loyalty to them.”  
  
“S.H.I.E.L.D.? You work for _S.H.I.E.L.D._ yet you’re training Hydra agents?”  
  
“Work _ed_ for, past tense. I’m a neutral, don’t ally on either side of that whole good versus evil debate. My only allegiance is my bank account. Which has been a very good friend to me over the years, best friend even.”  
  
“And one could just _become_ a neutral?” Jessica tilts her head, furrowing her eyebrows.  
  
“Sure. All you need is a broken moral compass.”  
  
++  
  
“I have a feeling I’m going to need a favor from you.”  
  
Taskmaster blinks, blinks once more, then blinks a third time. “Can you see into the future? Here I thought your only powers were annoying Spider-Man.”  
  
“Cute.” Black Cat huffs. “It’s my woman’s intuition.” Taskmaster shrugs. “You help me and I will help you. Fair trade is it not?”  
  
“How am I getting paid for your alleged help? You have just as much, if not more money than I could ever make, but I get the feeling you’re not willing to part with your stolen cash.”  
  
“Your feeling is correct. I distinctly remember your forms of payment being either money or moves.” Taskmaster sighs. He really should fix his business card. “You’ll wanna see the moves I recorded for you~”  
  
“I’ll humor you, Black Cat. Feel free to show me what you want to show me.”  
  
“Are you kidding? You only need to see it _once_ and it’s there. How long it’s there is a completely different story.” Does _everyone_ know about that?! She pulls out a phone waving it. “Do we have a deal? When I ask for your help, you’ll help no questions asked.”  
  
“Can’t guarantee there will be no questions but I’ll help. Just know that I’m not a fun guy to double cross.” Black Cat smirks tossing the phone over to him. Taskmaster opens the video watching it. Its Daredevil; of course it’s Daredevil. On the other hand, that man moved like a fucking ninja and even being able to record him is an impressive feat. “Not bad, Cat. Not bad at all.”  
  
Black Cat grinned like the Cheshire Cat she not-so secretly was. “I always deliver.”  
  
“I don’t know about that. Daredevil might just skin you alive for recording his fancy moves. The shit you’re going to get yourself into must be big.”  
  
“Tasky, you have no idea.” He tosses the phone back to her. “What you can do for me, is keep me alive until our next encounter.”  
  
“That should be easy enough, I’ve been keeping myself alive for this long. Just keep the moves coming, Cat, and we’ll talk more business.” She salutes before disappearing. “Oy, the people I get myself involved with.”  
  
++  
  
Waking up with a knife embedded in his pillow is surely not a good sign of things to come. Nevertheless, he turns around seeing _Gamora_ of all beings sharpening a different knife. “Morning, Tony.” She points the knife at him, “let’s talk business.”  
  
++  
  
“So you just, _oh I don’t know_ , lost The Winter Soldier? What was Skull even doing?” Vermis sighs, “you know what? Never mind. That is of no consequence. I have a super soldier of my own.”  
  
“The girl still believes she’s a spider?”  
  
“You have no idea how many mind wipes I had to go through with that one. Do not remind me.” Vermis sighs again. “The only thing that matters is her loyalty to Hydra and our cause. Plus there is no way she is connected to Captain America so having her assassinate him will be easy. She just needs training.” He looks over the grunts tripping over one another. “They _all_ need training. Although, what they need training may not be able to provide.”  
  
“Speaking of super soldiers, once we get Project Venom going there will be no need for grunts, and that means no need for training grunts.”  
  
“We cannot solely rely on Project Venom, Hydra will always need grunts to be as efficient as possible.” The others nod.  
  
“No. Hydra has no need for grunts, we have agents. Precise killing machines that will lay themselves on the line for our cause as the rest of us will.” The others nod again, in agreement. “So, either way with or without Project Venom we need our agents trained in top form.” Vermis massages the crease in his eyebrows. “Who can we get to train our agents?”  
  
“How about the best?” Vermis raises an eyebrow. “I am speaking of Taskmaster, of course. He has worked with Skull once before. Why wouldn’t he work with Hydra as a whole?”  
  
“Taskmaster? We cannot trust him. No one can.”  
  
“Why should we? If we pay him he’ll comply, that is a loyalty in itself.”  
  
“We must make sure Taskmaster does not have his own agenda first and foremost.” A new voice pipes in. “Sure he is good, but we are all aware of how our dear Taskmaster operates. Entice him with a deal so grand any other deals he makes will almost seem unworthy of taking.” The others in the room nod. “We are all in agreement then? Contact Taskmaster, we have agents to train.”  
  
++  
  
“This is him? The Master Of Tasks you speak so highly of?”  
  
“Babe, don’t tell him we speak highly of him.” Deadpool whines. {He’ll tease us mercilessly!} “I speak a regular amount about him.” Shiklah raises an eyebrow looking him over. [It’s amazing how human she looks right now. I think we taught her about human customs too well.]  
  
Shiklah strides forward extending her right hand. “Greetings. I am Shiklah.” She grins. Taskmaster takes the hand shaking it. “I have a proposition for you; you will receive a hefty pay of course.”  
  
“Proposition? And a hefty pay? What is it?”  
  
She jerks her thumb at Deadpool. “I have business to attend to, so I require you to keep him company.”  
  
“I’m getting paid... to babysit Deadpool?”  
  
“Accompany, babysit, however you want to call it.” She pinches his masked cheek. “I cannot bare the thought of him being all alone.”  
  
“Then take him with you.”  
  
“He is adamant about staying here and ‘working.’” She air-quotes awkwardly. “He says you two are buddies.” Deadpool locks his hands behind his head as Taskmaster’s head snaps up toward him. “He also said you’d be willing to take almost any job for the right price.”  
  
“There is no price on this earth that will allow me to spend all day with him.”  
  
Shiklah grips him by the throat. “We are not in an understanding, Master Of Tasks, I do not wish for my husband to be lonely and as a friend you are lucky I am even paying you at all.” She squeezes him tighter, “you two _are_ friends, correct?”  
  
“Sure!” He rasps. Not like he has many people lining up to team up with him but constant annoyance aside Deadpool is far from the worst person around. He doesn’t remember every encounter the two of them had over the years, but they’ve worked together more often than they work against one another. Despite being in the same field with the whole mercenary, neutral thing the two of them don’t even come in contact all that often – at least not that he can say he remembers. Damn memory. But the retaining of moves is a far sweeter deal than remembering ~~heartwarming~~ mercenary ~~bromances and/or~~ team-ups. For example: he can’t remember _why_ , but he knows he dislikes the ever loving hell out of Bullseye. That must be muscle memory because even if the brain does not remember the body sure as hell will; the statement is especially true for him.  
  
Shiklah glares but releases him. “Then we are in agreement. Tell Deadpool your price and you shall receive it. If anything should happen to him while I am away I will not kill you because that would be too simple but I will make sure you suffer... endlessly.”  
  
Taskmaster rubs his throat, “lady, you already made me suffer endlessly.”  
  
“Then my work here is complete.”  
  
++  
  
“The Avengers seem like good people.” Rocket snorts but Peter ignores him, “next universal crisis we contact them, agreed?”  
  
“I. Am. Groot.”  
  
“Okay then. That’s one vote... I think? Gamora, what do you think?” Peter turns around blinking at the empty chair. “Uh... I’ll take that as a second vote? Where in every hell, I suppose, did Gamora run off too?”  
  
“Business.” Adam replies leaning back in his chair, “I take it she could no longer stomach your apparent gushing of the earthlings?”  
  
“Hey, I’m half-earthling, I am allowed to gush.” Rocket snorts again, “that’s enough outta you, pal. They did help us out. It’s only fitting we return the favor.”  
  
“Did you forget it was their fault to begin with?”  
  
“Uh—?”  
  
“Considering you are _half_ -terran you should be listening to your non idiotic half and not blindly trust a bunch of flighty weirdos.”  
  
“I am Groot.”  
  
Peter stares at Groot before turning to Rocket, “ _oh_? You wanna talk about flighty weirdos? I can do this all damn day.”  
  
“Children.” They look up at Gamora, “must we constantly argue? We’d be no better than the terrans.”  
  
“You know, you guys say terran like it’s a disease or something.” Rocket and Gamora share a glance. “More to the point, the whole Nova Corps bull? What do we know about that?”  
  
Gamora takes her seat. “With the explosion, not much. We’d be lucky to find one of them alive.”  
  
“And there go the Nova Corps.” Rocket huffs. “Now how am I supposed to take apart those helmets?”  
  
“I am Groot?”  
  
“ _Yes_ , that’s what I’m pissed about.”  
  
“So...” Peter grins looking around at his team, “I’d say we’re in the market for allies, wouldn’t you guys agree?” The others groan and he claps his hands together. “So glad I got The Avengers calling card.” He flashes the card in his hands. “Wonder if it gets reception in space.”  
  
“Quill, I’ve said this about a thousand times before—”  
  
“I. Am. Groot?”  
  
Rocket snorts then shakes his head, “no. Well, yes, but not the point...” He turns to Groot who shrugs. Sighing, he turns back to Peter. “I’m all for keeping the terrans as pets, on standby, but we’re not gonna help those idiots prevent themselves and their planet from getting vaporized – unless it benefits us, of course.”  
  
“That’s fine with me.”  
  
“Because you believe they can take care of it themselves? You have a lot of faith in them, Quill.” Gamora looks him up and down. “It’s foolish but still admirable. I, on the other hand, will require testing them beforehand.”  
  
“Do whatever you need to, Gam. Just don’t kill them.”  
  
“If they are as worthy as you claim they won’t die.”  
  
“I am Groot.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m Groot too.” A sudden, shrill beeping has the seven of them turn toward the monitor. “A distress signal?”  
  
Rocket climbs up his shoulder staring at the screen. “No, worse than that. A Nova Corp failsafe signal has been activated in the Carefree of Ari-zone? What the hell is that?”  
  
“I am Groot?”  
  
“No, I don’t think so—”  
  
“I. Am. Groot.”  
  
“Carefree...” Peter interrupts, “is a city in Arizon _a_ , a state on Earth. You know, the place full of _terrans_?” Rocket glares at him. “This is Guardians business, so let’s take care of it, team!”  
  
“Were we not just talking about the Nova Corps being destroyed and a signal pops up on Earth?” Gamora frowns, “something does not add up.”  
  
“I agree.” Adam says, “this could be a trap.”  
  
“Well, whatever it is, it’s our business so we’re gonna check it out.”  
  
++  
  
“I hate cleaning out the attic.”  
  
“You and me both, sister.”  
  
“I’m sure the less time the two of you spend complaining the faster your clean up will go.”  
  
“But _mom_.”  
  
“No buts.” The black-haired woman rubs her temples. “I’ll check on you guys in an hour.” As their mother walks down the stairs the siblings sigh.  
  
“Okay Sam, you heard mom its clean up time.”  
  
“Uh, Kaelynn, she said we’re both suppose to clean.”  
  
“You expect me to lift heavy objects and injure my delicate frame?”  
  
“You are so full of crap.” She sticks her tongue out at him. “If I find any cool stuff I’m not sharing them with you.”  
  
“What!?” She groans, “alright, _fine_. We’ll do this together and I get first pick of all the cool stuff.”  
  
“Not _all_.” She glares at him. “You forget I’m the only one that knows how evil you truly are.”  
  
“Pity no one seems to believe you.” She shrugs, “let’s split up and keep all the cool things we find in our pile? Agreed?”  
  
“Agreed.” They shake hands.  
  
Nodding, Sam walks over to his pile looking through it while his sister does the same. “Sweet!” Kaelynn crows picking up a Cardinals jersey. “I’m keeping this forever.” She looks over her shoulder at Sam, “find anything?” He merely growls in reply.  
  
All he found in his pile were old cookie tins, snow globes and empty pill bottles. “Why did dad have so much junk?”  
  
Kaelynn walks over to his pile, “switch?”  
  
“Nah.” Sam runs a hand through his head. “I’ll find something good.”  
  
“Doubt it.”  
  
“Will you just go back to your pile?” Kaeylnn sticks out her tongue, but complies going back to her pile. They spend the next half-hour cleaning in silence before their mom came upstairs calling them for lunch.  
  
“Did you two find anything interesting?”  
  
“No.” Sam replies.  
  
“Yup.” Kaelynn answers, at the same time.  
  
“Oh.” Their mom shrugs.  
  
A half-hour after lunch, they return to the attic resuming clean-up. Sam hears his sister’s cries of joy every time she finds something that piques her interest.  
  
His pile is almost empty and the only interesting thing he finds is his dad’s old journal. Once their piles are sorted, they move to different parts of the attic. “Sam, come here a sec?” Putting down the copy of _Alice In Wonderland_ he found, Sam walks over to his sister who is kneeling in front of a chest.  
  
“Open it Legend Of Zelda style!”  
  
“I can’t! It’s locked.” She huffs.  
  
“Let’s look for a key.” Kaelynn nods accepting Sam’s outstretched hand and the two of them search the attic for a key matching the lock on the chest. An hour passes and the damn attic is spotless.  
  
Kaelynn groans laying on the chest, “why can’t we find the key!?” She whines glancing up at her brother, “what’s in your hand?”  
  
“Dad’s journal.” He shrugs, “but it’s blank.” He sifts through the pages and even shakes the book, startled when a key falls out.  
  
The siblings exchange glances and Sam bends down to pick up the key. Kaelynn gets off the chest watching her brother insert the key and twist it in the lock. She even hums the Zelda theme as her brother opens the chest.  
  
“It’s empty.” Kaelynn sighs, “that sucks.” She plops down on the ground.  
  
Sam taps the bottom of the chest and frowns. “It’s hollow.”  
  
“Huh?” He moves the “bottom” revealing a secret compartment with another notebook and a helmet beside it. “This totally counts as mine.” She gets up, picking up the helmet putting it on.  
  
“It’s too big.” Sam laughs picking up the notebook. “Nova Corps?” He opens the notebook with actual writing on the pages. “I think this might be dad’s real journal.”  
  
“Why have a fake journal?” Sam shrugs. “Wanna try the helmet?”  
  
“Lemme take a picture first.” Kaelynn poses, putting her hands on her hips as Sam takes out his cell taking a picture of his little sister.  
  
“Send it to me! I wanna make it my wallpaper!” Sam chuckles. “You wanna try it on, now? You have a big head, so it’ll fit.”  
  
“Har, har.” He lifts the helmet off Kaelynn’s head and puts it on his. “It’s a little too big for me as well.” He hands Kaelynn the phone and she eagerly takes a picture.  
  
“Weird, it suits you. Like _really_ suits you.” Kaelynn holds up the camera to take another picture and stills as the helmet starts glowing. “Sam...”  
  
Sam stares, worried instantly with his sister’s freaked out expression. He holds out his arm noticing it’s turning blue. He thought the same thing was happening when Kaelynn wore the helmet, but he figured he was hallucinating. Sam pulls the helmet off and the blue stops.  
  
The siblings stare at one another. Kaelynn nods, then Sam nods back putting the helmet back on.  
  
Everything turns blue a lot faster and suddenly Sam’s enveloped in a blue light briefly before Kaelynn shows him her latest picture of him wearing a suit that matches his helmet.  
  
“This is so cool.” His voice echoes.  
  
“Can I have a turn?” Just as Sam starts floating, he takes the helmet off and falls on his butt. Kaelynn accepts the helmet putting it on and giggles when she’s enveloped in blue wearing the same suit Sam was a second ago. “We can’t tell mom about this.” Sam frowns, but nods. Their dad was a superhero or, at the very best, one hell of a cosplayer. Neither of them recognized the helmet though and nothing in his journal made any sense.  
  
Kaelynn takes off the helmet putting it in Sam’s hands. “Kae—”  
  
“Keep it. You’re the one that found it. I’m gonna be sore about it, but it’s only fair. Besides...” She tip-toes to ruffle his hair, “I don’t like helmet-hair.”  
  
++  
  
“How many mindwipes does this make, Vermis? Your pet project doesn’t appear to be worth the effort.”  
  
“This is for the good of Hydra and the world, Zemo, she is worth it.” Zemo scoffs. “Why don’t we compare – oh, that’s right, you don’t have a soldier.”  
  
“Your ‘soldier’ is one mindwipe away from an unusable brain. Soon _she_ and you will be obsolete. Hydra is moving forward and you are moving backwards.”  
  
“Yes, but which of us is the Supreme Leader?”  
  
“Bah. I prefer the view from where I’m standing. Everyone wants to see you fail and they won’t have to wait very long.” Vermis glares at Zemo’s retreating form. The bastard had a point. His project wasn’t moving the way he preferred. Time to speed up the process.  
  
Vermis heads to the holding cell where his “project” is being kept. The medical team eyes him wearily as they scurry. His “project” is kept in cryostasis much like how The Winter Solder was in between missions and training. The chamber opens and his “project” is released. One of the man heads of Hydra could not be cut off so prematurely.  
  
“And how are you feeling this morning, Jessica?” Dull green eyes follow every movement of his pacing. “It’s been quite some time since your last mission, agent. Let’s see your skill level.”  
  
There is no name befitting for an agent as skillful as Jessica. She only responds to her given name any how. Vermis needs to do something about that. Unlike most Hydra agents, Jessica’s been with them for a while – in and out of cryo actually _growing up_ with Hydra. Red Skull even taught her various languages when he was still around. It was unusual, at first, raising a child while training other agents also children but older. Though younger, Jessica wasn’t exempt from training.  
  
When Vermis found Jessica she already possessed powers; powers she couldn’t control but powers nonetheless. He immediately made plans to mold her into the perfect soldier. The best soldier Hydra had to offer – even better than The Winter Soldier. Several times outside of cryo, Vermis has noticed slivers of nonconformity in his prized soldier – it was those times where she went back in cryo so they could start the process all over again. Can’t have another soldier break through their conditioning. When any agent came fresh out of cryo, they were ready to comply. Jessica was no exception.  
  
One thing Vermis noticed about Jessica, excluding her unusual powers, was her aging; or lack thereof. She’s been an agent for decades and even without cryostasis she hasn’t aged much. He figures it has something to do with her powers but no one knows when she got them or how.  
  
Vermis has scientists doing research on the full extent of Jessica’s powers. She can’t be the best until they destroy any and all weaknesses she possesses. It will be difficult, but nothing is impossible for Hydra.  
  
++  
  
“The last thing I saw before I fell asleep was my parents faces...” The officers look among themselves before staring down at the little girl. “There was a big glass bed too.”  
  
“Do you know where you are now?”  
  
“Don’t ask her that, ask her something simpler. Do you know your name?”  
  
“Jessica.” She beams. “Jessica Miriam Drew.” The officers nod. “Where’s mama and papa?”  
  
“We don’t know, kid. London is a big place.”  
  
“But don’t worry.” The other officer adds, glaring at his partner, “we’ll help you find them.”  
  
“That’s her!” A woman gasps, “the witch!” The officers turn to the hysterical woman. “My poor Jimmy tapped her and she electrocuted him!”  
  
“Ma’am, I think that’s highly unlikely.”  
  
“Go ahead and touch her then!” The officers exchange glances then nod, each off them putting a hand on the child’s shoulder.  
  
“See? Nothing to worry about.” When the woman starts sobbing a third officer comes to console her.  
  
“Ah! There she is. You found my granddaughter.”  
  
“Who are you?”  
  
“I am Otto Vermis, this is my granddaughter Jessica.”  
  
“You recognize this old guy?”  
  
“No. But I don’t remember anything after the bed.”  
  
“Why would I lie about being her grandfather.”  
  
“I don’t know, pal. There are lots of reasons. You can be a child molester for one.”  
  
“I am nothing of the sort! Just a concerned grandfather.”  
  
“Then what can you tell us about the glass bed?”  
  
“It’s a stasis chamber. Jessica is very sick.” The guards share a look.  
  
_“Vermis, you better know what you are doing!”_ Screams his earpiece, which – thankfully – the guards do not hear. He saw the little girl electrocute the dumb brat that slapped her on the back. It’s rare to get a Hydra agent so young but she will be well worth it. With the Soldier in cryo, they’re gonna need someone new to pick up the slack.  
  
“Sir, if you follow us to the station we’ll have you fill out the paperwork before you can take your granddaughter.” The guards are still giving him dirty looks but he nods with a big smile on his face.  
  
And Zemo said he wouldn’t find anything worthwhile in London. That purple masked freak is going to eat his words! Hopefully, he’ll choke on them too.  
  
“That old lady was right...” Jessica says sniffling, “I did shock the little boy.” It was a good thing the guards were walking behind them and not close enough to hear that confession.  
  
“Well, he shouldn’t have touched you. You were merely defending yourself. You did nothing wrong.”  
  
“Daddy’s work had funny gases. He worked with spiders a lot too.” She rubs her chin, “I don’t remember anything else.”  
  
“Spiders...” Vermis nods slowly, “we can work with that.”  
  
“Work with it? How?”  
  
“What if I told you I could help you control your powers.”  
  
“What do I have to do?”  
  
“Convince the officers I’m your grandfather. Shouldn’t be a problem. How old are you?”  
  
“Seven...” She narrows her eyes. “What would I get? Other than controlling my powers?”  
  
“You’ll be helping save the world. Wouldn’t you like to become a superhero, Jessica?”  
  
Her green eyes light up, “a superhero?” She whispers.  
  
“Yes. We’ll have to take you to America, though. Have you ever been?”  
  
“I don’t remember anywhere that isn’t my glass bed – and the gases. Daddy said the needle would help with the poison.”  
  
“I’m going to need more context than that.”  
  
“I don’t remember.” She frowns. “I’m sorry.”  
  
“You have no reason to apologize. I’ll help you figure everything out.”  
  
They arrive at the station and the guards sit them down before disappearing. “Do I have to go back in the glass bed?”  
  
“You might. I need to know everything you are capable of first. Then we can talk whatever bed you like.”  
  
“Can I get a pretty princess bed?”  
  
“Sure. Why not.”  
  
The guards come back, still eyeing Vermis wearily. “Let’s get started with the paperwork, shall we?”


End file.
